Act of Endurance
Viewing comments for Chapter 34 "Down On My Knee"Dawn of Chaos
32 total reviews
Comment from Lance Polin
I really, really wanted to like this a whole lot more. It's premise is sterling and the general execution and structure is excellent. I went in salivating (you need a far more poignant imagine), expecting to be blown away . . .
Some of it is mishmashed together and then ripped apart. Poetry is about movement--about a nuanced rhythm that catches on fire and sings unto the judgment day! Instead of that passion you mumble out something like "Hear again laughter he's just ignorant,/year joined to rob and strip innocent,/let others promote fear say it's fair law."
. . .
Huh? What was that? Say that to yourself out loud in this exact tone, with the punctuation stops and then the intentional pushed rhyme, it sounds like a monotone and makes very little sense.
I do not say this to be mean, but to point out what I see as a legitimate problem (editing and tense and spelling and grammar are easy enough to tweak on your own). There is a great premise in here, or an idea of one anyway, but you have drowned it with too intentional efforts at being 'poetic.' Form and style and structure and limitations of form are not what a poem should be about. It's all about rhythm--beat-beat-beat on the door to Heaven within the moonglow and watch all them angels in the sky beaming down salvation from the eternal light!
Clearly you don't mind not entirely making sense, and this is a potentially very good thing to find the appropriate rhythm--the temper of words, the sharpness and dullness of sounds. So make that work for you. Don't be intentional. Run with it! Run away with it! Turn your song into the chorus from the sky that those angels from the last paragraph are singing.
Good luck and I want to see a future draft. Thank you for allowing me to comment on this.
reply by the author on 29-Sep-2018
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I really, really wanted to like this a whole lot more. It's premise is sterling and the general execution and structure is excellent. I went in salivating (you need a far more poignant imagine), expecting to be blown away . . .
Some of it is mishmashed together and then ripped apart. Poetry is about movement--about a nuanced rhythm that catches on fire and sings unto the judgment day! Instead of that passion you mumble out something like "Hear again laughter he's just ignorant,/year joined to rob and strip innocent,/let others promote fear say it's fair law."
. . .
Huh? What was that? Say that to yourself out loud in this exact tone, with the punctuation stops and then the intentional pushed rhyme, it sounds like a monotone and makes very little sense.
I do not say this to be mean, but to point out what I see as a legitimate problem (editing and tense and spelling and grammar are easy enough to tweak on your own). There is a great premise in here, or an idea of one anyway, but you have drowned it with too intentional efforts at being 'poetic.' Form and style and structure and limitations of form are not what a poem should be about. It's all about rhythm--beat-beat-beat on the door to Heaven within the moonglow and watch all them angels in the sky beaming down salvation from the eternal light!
Clearly you don't mind not entirely making sense, and this is a potentially very good thing to find the appropriate rhythm--the temper of words, the sharpness and dullness of sounds. So make that work for you. Don't be intentional. Run with it! Run away with it! Turn your song into the chorus from the sky that those angels from the last paragraph are singing.
Good luck and I want to see a future draft. Thank you for allowing me to comment on this.
Comment Written 29-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 29-Sep-2018
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I've heard that believing this view. I do get a kick out of babbling and mumbling about things. Thanking you for your generous rate and warm sentiments.
Comment from Liz O'Neill
The Crux of the whole poem: "Hear again laughter he's just ignorant," Some may not be able to see any metaphors. But depending upon our current lense, the reader will get different meaning out of this, or no meaning all. I'm feeling like this is reflecting to me how the ways of the world are crumbling like rusted iron. It has a somber tone yet has a note of hope in it and an effort being made to bring things into balance. A sort of naming the proverbial elephant in the living room. There will definitely be a great invitation for debate here as to the meaning presented here. It of course, will depend upon the reader's situation and if they look through the political lense and their country of origin. Well written..
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reply by the author on 29-Sep-2018
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The Crux of the whole poem: "Hear again laughter he's just ignorant," Some may not be able to see any metaphors. But depending upon our current lense, the reader will get different meaning out of this, or no meaning all. I'm feeling like this is reflecting to me how the ways of the world are crumbling like rusted iron. It has a somber tone yet has a note of hope in it and an effort being made to bring things into balance. A sort of naming the proverbial elephant in the living room. There will definitely be a great invitation for debate here as to the meaning presented here. It of course, will depend upon the reader's situation and if they look through the political lense and their country of origin. Well written..
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 28-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 29-Sep-2018
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Interesting observation I will consider again this work to enhance clarity. Thanks for the heads up. Also thanks for generous rate and touching remarks.