Comment from Phyllis Stewart

Excellent

Whew! I thought George was a child molester looking for an easy catch. Good twist at the end, and a good story overall. But I wanted some popcorn. STill do. :)

 Comment Written 02-Oct-2016

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reply by the author on 02-Oct-2016

Thank you so much, Phyllis Stewart, for taking time to read my story. Sounds like we have the love of popcorn in common, I could eat it every day. The only thing this story is missing is a clown, but with all the scary clowns running around I decided against it. LOL! Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated. :-)

Comment from CEO2020

Exceptional

This is an exceptional flash fiction. The view you gave from a 5 year old is vivid and impactful from the very beginning. Super great writing. Very impressive. Good Luck in the contest.

 Comment Written 02-Oct-2016

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reply by the author on 02-Oct-2016

Thank you so much, CEO2020, for taking time to read my story. Department stores are dangerous places for children, and unfortunately, not all who are lost have such a happy ending. Your kind words and extra-special six-star review are greatly appreciated. I'm glad you like it. :-)

Comment from Dean Kuch

Excellent

"From the snack bar, commingled smells of popcorn and cotton candy permeated the air, but I knew better than to ask before checking out." ... This "commingling" of alluring aromas is one of the primary things I adore about carnivals, circuses and fairs, Anonymous Author. Oh, and the clowns...I can't forget the clowns, heh-heh ...

Mom smiled and hugged me tight, standing there with security guard, George. ... Hahaha, good foreshadowing, or throwing us off the scent as the case were.

Grrrrrrrrreat story, I really enjoyed this.
Best wishes to you in the contest. I think you'll do very well.
~Dean

 Comment Written 02-Oct-2016

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reply by the author on 02-Oct-2016

Thank you so much, Dean, for taking time to read my story. I love the clowns too, but they aren't going over so well where I live right now. They are getting locked up for standing by the interstates scaring people. LOL! Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated. I glad you like it. :-)

reply by Dean Kuch on 02-Oct-2016

It's going on here too.
In fact, a lady in Cincinnati was attacked and nearly strangled to death by a guy dressed as a clown just yesterday.

Here's the link in case you're interested.
And no, I swear I had absolutely nothing to do with it, heh-heh...
Cincinnati Clown Attack

~Dean



In fact, people dressed as clowns are attacking folks all over the country.

Comment from Heather Knight

Excellent

Good story. I liked the twist at the end. I have also written a story for this contest and mine is also about a child who gets lost in a supermarket...
Thanks for sharing.

 Comment Written 02-Oct-2016

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reply by the author on 02-Oct-2016

Thank you so much, M J, for taking time to read my story. Yes, department stores and supermarkets are very dangerous places for children to get lost of even kidnapped. I look forward to reading your story. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated. :-)

Comment from Tpa

Excellent

A very good, well-written story that I'm sure grabbed the interest of all parents. Your descriptions of the setting and characters were good. The story was very entertaining and the ending most enjoyable.

 Comment Written 02-Oct-2016

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reply by the author on 02-Oct-2016

Thank you so much, Tpa, for taking time to read my story. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated. I'm glad you liked it. :-)

Comment from Stephanie Burster

Good

I liked the story well enough but thought that the security should have identified himself to the young boy, not frighten him. Also there would be other people to help if he was indeed being stalked. There is more that could be added/taken away so the piece has more substance.

This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.

 Comment Written 02-Oct-2016

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reply by the author on 02-Oct-2016

He wasn't being stalked. He was looking at the toys. The security officer was just trying to be nice and talk. This is a writing site. Not necessarily about our personal likes and dislikes. The writing is much better than good, and about all that anyone can do with a five-hundred word limit. I would like to say thanks, but everyone of the four-star reviews eliminate a more deserved six-star review. So please, just don't read my work. Thanks

reply by Stephanie Burster on 02-Oct-2016

I'm sorry that you didn't like my rating. and I wasn't making it personal. Aren't we here to suggest how some other path might work just as well. We don't always get 5's and I think having a thicker skin would do you well. Believe me I will never read your things again

reply by the author on 02-Oct-2016

I apologize if you think I was rude, but I am not a beginner, and know very well that this is an outstandingly well written story. This site is not for opinions as lots of new members seem to think. It is to make suggestions that can help us all get better, but if we don't understand a single thing that we have read, how can we suggest anything. I'm not a nasty person, and wasn't trying to be mean to you. It appeared to me that you were just trying to be mean and nasty. When I review anyone's work I try to do it fairly, but if I gave everyone who deserved two's and three's what they deserve,I wouldn't be helping them, but hurting their feelings. I try to praise and encourage everyone that I can to get better, and seldom give anyone less than a five. However, I do give them written suggests to show them how to correct their mistakes, or make it better. Anyone who's work is so bad that I can't give them help or a favorable review score, then I just don't review their work. My opinion of whether I like something personally, or think it might be better said another way, never come into the mix. And that is why I was upset with your four. I have no spag or mistakes, so there is no reason it wasn't a five or better. My quick aggravation came from a few weeks back when I was given a one-star, two-star, three-star, and four-star review from a group of people who were keeping track of all my six-star reviews and intentionally offsetting them. Please, excuse my outburst. And if you ask around you'll find I'm considered a nice person, and one who can be helpful. I apologize!

reply by Stephanie Burster on 03-Oct-2016

I really don't know how to respond. I am also a seasoned writer but I don't always expect to get 5stars on everything I write. For me this is a place I can post my work and not worry so much about my star status. Good luck to you

reply by the author on 03-Oct-2016

I didn't seem to make my point with you at all. It's not about the stars, in the least. Good Luck!

reply by Stephanie Burster on 03-Oct-2016

Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell

Excellent

That sounded very real to me, are you sure this was fiction? It's very well written, and I used to work in a large store once, and a little boy went missing. The father was crying and calling for his child, we shut the doors so no one could get out, especially the child. They found him laying down of a low shelf fast asleep. LOL, he got bored waiting for his dad. Your story reminded me of that, and how easy it is to lose someone in a big store like that. Well done, it's a brilliant contest entry. Good luck. xsx Sandra

 Comment Written 02-Oct-2016

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reply by the author on 02-Oct-2016

Thank you so much, Sandra Mitchell, for taking time to read my story. Fortunately, this is all fiction, but I'm sure that all of us have heard some of the horror tales of children being lost or abducted in department store. They are dangerous places for children, and especially, on weekends when they are so busy. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated. :-)

Comment from giraffmang

Excellent

Hi there,

There were a couple of expressions in here I'm not so sure 5 year olds would use. (commingled, permeated) My daughter is 5 also. Other than that a good write. Nice to have it from the young one's perspective.

At the men's clothing section, I crawled up under a rack of hanging men's trousers. - probably don't need the repetition of men's here.

I hustled all over the parking lot, screaming--MOMMY!
- maybe put this in speech marks.

Good stuff
All the best
GMG

 Comment Written 02-Oct-2016

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reply by the author on 02-Oct-2016

Thank you so much, Giraffmang, for taking time to read my story. This is intended to be someone telling the story as when they was a five-year old, but telling it when they are older. As always, your kind words, suggestions, and generous review are greatly appreciated. :-)

Comment from Jackarrie

Excellent

This is a very good story about a child being lost. It is typical of what would happen to a little boy who wants to play with the toys. Thier mind gets so engrossed and this is why we have to watch them every minute.
What a relief George was the security man. a very good contender for the contest. Good luck Mary

 Comment Written 01-Oct-2016

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reply by the author on 02-Oct-2016

Thank you so much, Jackarrie, for taking time to read my story. Yes, busy department stories are dangerous places for children. I'm just glad I could give my story a happy ending, because I'm sure the endings are not always good ones. Your kind words and generous reviews are greatly appreciated. :-)

Comment from Thomas Bowling

Excellent

Great story with a twist. I didn't see this coming. I went from horror to laughter when I read your great story. Good luck in the contest. I'm sure you'll do well.

 Comment Written 01-Oct-2016

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reply by the author on 02-Oct-2016

Thank you so much, Thomas Bowling, for taking time to read my story. You and I both have a tendency of adding a little giggle getter or two to most any of our stories, no matter how serious. Of course, that's what immediately made me a fan of your writing. No matter how much drama, if there isn't a some fun, then why read it. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated. :-)