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Viewing comments for Chapter 6 "The Price of Freedom"A Flash Fiction Collection
40 total reviews
Comment from barkingdog
This is the only thing for a kid to do if the teacher's won't listen. Loosing two teeth for throwing spitballs sounds a bit drastic, but who's to know what damage a chair might do.
Suspension was worth it.
Nicely written. Good pacing, dialogue and character development.
:)
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2013
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This is the only thing for a kid to do if the teacher's won't listen. Loosing two teeth for throwing spitballs sounds a bit drastic, but who's to know what damage a chair might do.
Suspension was worth it.
Nicely written. Good pacing, dialogue and character development.
:)
Comment Written 29-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2013
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Thank you very much. It sounds that way, but in Chicago that's quite tame.
Comment from LYLE
You could not have chosen a better time to remind people that freedom is not accepting garbage to eat when, with a little effort, you can work and eat prime meat. Of course, work has become a dirty word, when it is so easy to get food stamps, welfare checks, housing, etc, by merely giving up your right to think to the political group in Washington. Surrender your freedom and see how long it takes to become a slave.
Lyle
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2013
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You could not have chosen a better time to remind people that freedom is not accepting garbage to eat when, with a little effort, you can work and eat prime meat. Of course, work has become a dirty word, when it is so easy to get food stamps, welfare checks, housing, etc, by merely giving up your right to think to the political group in Washington. Surrender your freedom and see how long it takes to become a slave.
Lyle
Comment Written 29-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2013
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Thank you very much, Lyle. It does seem many people do not understand what freedom is anymore, or the responsibility that comes with it. Thanks for the great six star review.
Comment from MissMerri
I feel this is such a well-conceived story, I wanted to give it six stars in spite of a couple of minor editing problems. The very first paragraph needs some tweaking. The colons are unnecessary and out of place in that first sentence. I would simply say, "Grandpa Willie sat in his rocker and watched his grandson Jason, striding up the driveway. His daughter, Karen, and her husband Jim, were close behind, and by the expressions on their faces, he knew things had not gone well at the school." (Or something similar.) one more thing... I think you meant to say, "For the rest of THE time..." Rather than "for the rest of time." (Which implies forever) A wonderful moral at the end of this truly captivating tale, makes this a six in my opinion.
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2013
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I feel this is such a well-conceived story, I wanted to give it six stars in spite of a couple of minor editing problems. The very first paragraph needs some tweaking. The colons are unnecessary and out of place in that first sentence. I would simply say, "Grandpa Willie sat in his rocker and watched his grandson Jason, striding up the driveway. His daughter, Karen, and her husband Jim, were close behind, and by the expressions on their faces, he knew things had not gone well at the school." (Or something similar.) one more thing... I think you meant to say, "For the rest of THE time..." Rather than "for the rest of time." (Which implies forever) A wonderful moral at the end of this truly captivating tale, makes this a six in my opinion.
Comment Written 28-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2013
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Thank you very much. I think you absolutely right. It does sound and read much better that way.
Comment from MarjorieAnne
Well done. Great moral interwoven early on. Dialogue is lively, characterization excellent, plot suspenseful, leading to satisfying conclusion. A few minor corrections: no colons needed in first paragraph; insert comma after "face", period after "married" and capital B on "but"; insert comma after "back in his chair"; insert "a" in "Jason is good boy", comma after God is my witness, and add "bed" to "grab...the chair".
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2013
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Well done. Great moral interwoven early on. Dialogue is lively, characterization excellent, plot suspenseful, leading to satisfying conclusion. A few minor corrections: no colons needed in first paragraph; insert comma after "face", period after "married" and capital B on "but"; insert comma after "back in his chair"; insert "a" in "Jason is good boy", comma after God is my witness, and add "bed" to "grab...the chair".
Comment Written 28-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2013
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Thank you very much. I really appreciate the great editing assistance. I will fix those.
Comment from nancy_e_davis
I like this story. It tells both sides of the thoughts about war and it proves that the cost of freedom is very high but it is worth fighting for. Well done. Good luck. Nancy
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2013
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I like this story. It tells both sides of the thoughts about war and it proves that the cost of freedom is very high but it is worth fighting for. Well done. Good luck. Nancy
Comment Written 28-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2013
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Thank you very much.
Comment from Millibrad
A good story.The moral works for the tale, but I was expecting, indeed hoping that dad would get the moral of this story. The loss of two front teeth (permanent for 8th graders) is serious.
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2013
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A good story.The moral works for the tale, but I was expecting, indeed hoping that dad would get the moral of this story. The loss of two front teeth (permanent for 8th graders) is serious.
Comment Written 28-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2013
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Thank you very much. Yes, I guess it is.
Comment from Scott David
Excellent. Very well written. The dialog was superb, and showed all the characters personalities and emotions perfectly.
Good read. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2013
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Excellent. Very well written. The dialog was superb, and showed all the characters personalities and emotions perfectly.
Good read. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 28-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2013
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Thank you very much.
Comment from STEPHEN A CARTER
LOVED THESE BITS:
"... freedom. It must be won or it's not valued."
"Would you trade back the two weeks for more bullying?"
CONSIDER: "For the rest of time Grandpa helped...
"... younger, taller man.
"... getting the mail(,) stopped...
"... down Lucas shot POKED me in...
"... threw it into IN his...
"...for two weeks," cried Jason. his face wrought
with confusion.
"Would you trade two weeks for more bullying?"
The above are just suggestions, that's all. A good read.
Regards:
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2013
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LOVED THESE BITS:
"... freedom. It must be won or it's not valued."
"Would you trade back the two weeks for more bullying?"
CONSIDER: "For the rest of time Grandpa helped...
"... younger, taller man.
"... getting the mail(,) stopped...
"... down Lucas shot POKED me in...
"... threw it into IN his...
"...for two weeks," cried Jason. his face wrought
with confusion.
"Would you trade two weeks for more bullying?"
The above are just suggestions, that's all. A good read.
Regards:
Comment Written 28-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2013
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Thank you very much. Those are the right changes to make. I appreciate your help.
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Always glad to help.Good luck in all your efforts.
With Respect: Steve C
Comment from sweetwoodjax
this is very well written, mystery writer, you did an excellent job writing this story about the price of freedom being worth the time invested. good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2013
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this is very well written, mystery writer, you did an excellent job writing this story about the price of freedom being worth the time invested. good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 28-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2013
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Thank you very much.
Comment from denhagan
This was an interesting short story to read, which held my attention all the way though, about a retired military grandfather giving his grandson advice.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2013
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This was an interesting short story to read, which held my attention all the way though, about a retired military grandfather giving his grandson advice.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 28-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2013
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Thank you very much.
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You're welcome,
Dennis