Steve's Story-Poems
Viewing comments for Chapter 34 "Death of a Dream"A collection of my poems
62 total reviews
Comment from Irish Rain
i wish i had six stars for you, you certainly deserve them! i have never heard of a weta... so i've learned a lot here...my favorite line in this well written story poem was...when they couldn't get a weta then they whaled on me instead! priceless! blessings to you tonight!
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2013
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i wish i had six stars for you, you certainly deserve them! i have never heard of a weta... so i've learned a lot here...my favorite line in this well written story poem was...when they couldn't get a weta then they whaled on me instead! priceless! blessings to you tonight!
Comment Written 26-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2013
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Jo, thanks for the kind words and the virtual six - I appreciate it.
Steve
Comment from janalma
Oh, I got a kick out of this. I love your story poems. Amazing how you can rhyme all the way thru without making it sound forced. This one called out a diverse set of feelings. I laughed in places, gagged in some and felt a bit sorry for the narrator at the end. Very descriptive of the hard scrabble life they were enduring and the fellow who was going to change that. Wonderful word pics that made the images come alive.
This is a sentence that I thought was great:
"Luck had hit a rocky bottom - then had kept on drillin' down."
The only sentence that I thought a little odd was this one:
"Is seldom met by those who get a latte with their feta."
But I know this is a comical poem so I'll accept having cheese with a fancy coffee. Maybe some people do...what do I know? Lol. It does give the image of a city slicker, so I guess it's right on. Could see this in a mag, so a six.
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2013
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Oh, I got a kick out of this. I love your story poems. Amazing how you can rhyme all the way thru without making it sound forced. This one called out a diverse set of feelings. I laughed in places, gagged in some and felt a bit sorry for the narrator at the end. Very descriptive of the hard scrabble life they were enduring and the fellow who was going to change that. Wonderful word pics that made the images come alive.
This is a sentence that I thought was great:
"Luck had hit a rocky bottom - then had kept on drillin' down."
The only sentence that I thought a little odd was this one:
"Is seldom met by those who get a latte with their feta."
But I know this is a comical poem so I'll accept having cheese with a fancy coffee. Maybe some people do...what do I know? Lol. It does give the image of a city slicker, so I guess it's right on. Could see this in a mag, so a six.
Comment Written 26-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2013
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Thanks for the thoughtful review and the galaxy of stars - I appreciate your time spent reading and reviewing.
I know what you mean about the latte and feta line - you are right that I wanted to single out yuppie, city types - and do you know how hard it is to get a true rhyme for 'weta'?
Steve
Comment from pipersfancy
I couldn't help but cringe as I read my way through this very entertaining story... and now I keep feeling tiny feet scurrying up my backside...
Good luck in the contest! This is a great one!
PF
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2013
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I couldn't help but cringe as I read my way through this very entertaining story... and now I keep feeling tiny feet scurrying up my backside...
Good luck in the contest! This is a great one!
PF
Comment Written 26-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2013
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Thanks, PF - only reviewer so far to comment about the 'refuge up a crack' line!
Many thanks for the six stars - glad you enjoyed.
Steve
Comment from cheyennewy
Hi kiwi,
I am not a fan of long poetry or bugs but once I began to read this story I couldn't quit. I found it to be entertaining and quite compelling. The picture you chose is creepy and a bit scary but it serves to highlight your well chosen words. Your rhyme is first rate and the flow is smooth. Well done and good luck in the contest.....chey
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2013
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Hi kiwi,
I am not a fan of long poetry or bugs but once I began to read this story I couldn't quit. I found it to be entertaining and quite compelling. The picture you chose is creepy and a bit scary but it serves to highlight your well chosen words. Your rhyme is first rate and the flow is smooth. Well done and good luck in the contest.....chey
Comment Written 26-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2013
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Thanks, Chey
I know this is a little long for some, but this story demanded quite a lot of detail. Back to sonnets next week...
Steve
Comment from Leineco
Applause......Applause......Applause......
I really enjoyed the rollicking fun of this tale built 'round the weta!
A smidge of Tom Sawyer's adventures seemed to filter through :-)
Plus, I got an entomology lesson in the middle part!
(too bad about lost riches :-(
Nice write :-)
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2013
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Applause......Applause......Applause......
I really enjoyed the rollicking fun of this tale built 'round the weta!
A smidge of Tom Sawyer's adventures seemed to filter through :-)
Plus, I got an entomology lesson in the middle part!
(too bad about lost riches :-(
Nice write :-)
Comment Written 26-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2013
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Thank you, thank you
Not sure if Mark Twain wrote any verse, but if he did, maybe it was something like this.
Steve
Comment from allborn66
This is a well told tale. I like the tone, it was consistent throughout. You communicated your theme well. I felt the word choice was strong.
Barbara
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2013
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This is a well told tale. I like the tone, it was consistent throughout. You communicated your theme well. I felt the word choice was strong.
Barbara
Comment Written 26-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2013
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Thanks, Barbara.
Steve
Comment from krys123
Sharon does lovely story with myself, fans and other readers/writers. I must say that they enter and outer rhyming was done to perfection and none of them were either strain, labored or forced. Oh how I enjoyed this poem very much. Even though there is a little bit long it kept me enticed all throughout the poem. I believe the concept and topic was very well thought out and in good intricacy of your rhythm, tempo and especially your writing was done to perfection also. You have a good one and God bless.
AK
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2013
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Sharon does lovely story with myself, fans and other readers/writers. I must say that they enter and outer rhyming was done to perfection and none of them were either strain, labored or forced. Oh how I enjoyed this poem very much. Even though there is a little bit long it kept me enticed all throughout the poem. I believe the concept and topic was very well thought out and in good intricacy of your rhythm, tempo and especially your writing was done to perfection also. You have a good one and God bless.
AK
Comment Written 26-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2013
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Thanks a lot for the kind words and thoughtful review.
Steve
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You are so welcome Steve. I really enjoyed your poem.
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You are so welcome Steve. I really enjoyed your poem.
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You are so welcome Steve. I really enjoyed your poem.
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You are so welcome Steve. I really enjoyed your poem.
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You are so welcome Steve. I really enjoyed your poem.
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You are so welcome Steve. I really enjoyed your poem.
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You are so welcome Steve. I really enjoyed your poem.
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You are so welcome Steve. I really enjoyed your poem.
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You are so welcome Kiwi. And isn't it a shame that the Kiwis lost the cup in America somehow came from behind and they were 8 down to win. Something doesn't sound the right.
Comment from gramalot8
Kiwisteveh, this is very good. I loved the vivid images we get from your descriptive words. Such a tragedy to have had to go through. Great job and good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2013
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Kiwisteveh, this is very good. I loved the vivid images we get from your descriptive words. Such a tragedy to have had to go through. Great job and good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 26-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2013
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Thanks for the review and the good luck wishes.
Steve
Comment from JeanneHP
What a clever and original poem. It was long, but I was wishing it was longer. It certainly did tell an entire story. Very enjoyable!
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2013
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What a clever and original poem. It was long, but I was wishing it was longer. It certainly did tell an entire story. Very enjoyable!
Comment Written 26-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2013
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Thanks, Jeanne, for the kind words and the six silvery stars.
Steve
Comment from shortwerks
This is delightful! I loved the story and the internal rhymes were lovely. I have only a few comments re possible improvement, but they are very small.
I wish you good luck in the contest, though I don't think you need it.
Thanks so much for the pleasant read.
I think you meant to use a comma after "Like snail and slug." rather than a period.
Suggest that "Me arithmetic" so soon followed by "My head" seems an inconsistency in the narrator's vernacular. Also, her vocabulary seems too good to let "Me arithmetic" stand.
I would also suggest a period at the end of the piece.
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2013
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This is delightful! I loved the story and the internal rhymes were lovely. I have only a few comments re possible improvement, but they are very small.
I wish you good luck in the contest, though I don't think you need it.
Thanks so much for the pleasant read.
I think you meant to use a comma after "Like snail and slug." rather than a period.
Suggest that "Me arithmetic" so soon followed by "My head" seems an inconsistency in the narrator's vernacular. Also, her vocabulary seems too good to let "Me arithmetic" stand.
I would also suggest a period at the end of the piece.
Comment Written 26-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2013
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Thanks so much for the six stars, but especially the sharp eye for picking out the little things - I truly appreciate the alerts to improve punctuation etc.
Glad you enjoyed the story - as for winning, I seem to be doomed to second place in these contests so no chicken counting.
Steve