Comment from RazberryBullet

Excellent

You've really got a wild and scary story here!

Got a chuckle here: "Failure to comply will result in early-end-retirement or the recycling of your matter." Back to the door it is. ;p

Liked these lines: Preparing to install into the guilty sub-conscious. LOL!!!

Well done!

 Comment Written 18-Feb-2012

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reply by the author on 18-Feb-2012

Thanks, Raz. Glad you liked it.

Comment from Margaret Snowdon

Excellent

I enjoyed this chapter, Herb..
as always, well written in that
unique style of your own.


install into guilty's sub-conscious." ???
install into guilt's sub-conscious


Margaret

 Comment Written 18-Feb-2012

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reply by the author on 18-Feb-2012

Thanks, Margaret. By guilty's I mean the main character. maybe 'the guilty'

Thanks again.

My own style hey, like that. Think it's because I tried to write before I learned any of the 'rules.' As always its that balance. :)

Comment from c_lucas

Excellent

This is a little out of the box where sci-fi is concerned, but it shows your creativity at the max. There is good imagery and descriptive scheme.

 Comment Written 18-Feb-2012

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reply by the author on 18-Feb-2012

Thanks, Charlie. I'm trying to find that something different. In a world were every genre has been done to the 'max' . To stand out one has to think outside the box. A probably fail miserably upon the way out. My creativity is the juices that soak that cardboard box from within, weakening it's walls for the final punch. :)

reply by c_lucas on 18-Feb-2012

You're welcome, Herb. Charlie

Comment from livingwords

Excellent

Peter,
I like this ... a lot! Fascinating world and situation created in a few paragraphs. Had to read twice to fully grasp. Great opening chapter, leaving the reader dying to know what's going to happen with Treb-six in his head.

Technically, since this is first person, the italics shouldn't be used. The exception would be when he was using he thoughts to block the mind-reading, and again when he hears Treb-sixes voice. Otherwise, the italics seem random and distracting.

Can't wait for the next chapter. Dan :))
No sixes.

 Comment Written 18-Feb-2012

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reply by the author on 18-Feb-2012

I know what you mean with the italics, it's more of a tone thing that I was trying to create. I shall look at it closer.


He's Treb-six, she (the voice in his head) calls him by it at the end. Probably my fault will look at that bit too. Think this still needs to be made a little clearer.

As always, Dan, very helpful.

Peter :)

Thanks

reply by the author on 18-Feb-2012

Its a complicated little bugger I've set up for myself here, and my first attempt at sci fi, talk about deep end. :)

reply by livingwords on 18-Feb-2012

No. My mistake re Treb six.

Comment from Deejharrington

Excellent

Absolutely nothing to tear apart or down. It reminded me of Asimov. I look forward to reading part 2. It certainly made me stop complaining about how hard my own retirement is!
deb

 Comment Written 18-Feb-2012

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reply by the author on 18-Feb-2012

Thanks, Deb. Glad you liked it. I've never heard of Asimov, will check it out.

reply by Deejharrington on 18-Feb-2012

you're welcome
deb

Comment from Asyraf N. Jamsari

Excellent

Good job. I would like to hear more from you. Nicely done. Good luck with your days

A lot of efforts and emotions inserted. Good vocabulary and i adore the way you write. Magnificently written

 Comment Written 17-Feb-2012

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reply by the author on 18-Feb-2012

thanks

Comment from cvcopac

Excellent

If I'm getting this right; he'll have to live with all his victims. He'll get to know each one and that's expected to make him more human. What a stretch of imagination. I like this one too. I didn't find any spag.

 Comment Written 17-Feb-2012

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reply by the author on 17-Feb-2012

You'd think. But we'll see, they are only in his head and maybe will want revenge?? maybe?? :)

Thanks for looking.

reply by cvcopac on 17-Feb-2012

Yeah, I thought of that too. Maybe it was her attitude. Sardine City--that's good.

Comment from MumEsGirl

Excellent

I must confess to enjoying this story, please dont tell my friends. I usually avoid sci fi like the plague

Your title was excellent and drew me to the piece. The artwork sure is spooky. A bit like Frankenstiens Castle

Look forward to more

kate

 Comment Written 17-Feb-2012

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reply by the author on 17-Feb-2012

Thanks, glad you liked it

Comment from Patrick G Cox

Excellent

Hi Herb,

This had echoes of some early scifi I read, pre-Judge Dredd stuff. It held my attention OK, and has a nice twist in the tail there.

I guess he's the sardine ...

Patrick

 Comment Written 17-Feb-2012

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reply by the author on 17-Feb-2012

Thanks, Patrick

Comment from LilHippie

Excellent

Wow Herb!!! This is really good, very different, unique, clever and I want more, soon!!! I love the idea that your "victm's" consciousness will be implanted as punishment. I am intrigued about coming forth at age 5, and that at 21 you are retired. This is so creative. I can visualize this place, and by the way, the artwork you have chosen is dead-on and adds to the overall feel of your piece. You know, it is so sickening when you see/read the same crap over and over. I always wonder where the good writers or screenwriters are. Well I just found one here, in this great sci-fi story. What a great beginning. What do we always learn first, that the beginning has to "hook" the reader, well you have acheived that ten-fold. Ten-fold? Yeah, guess I'm old. lol This is so good. The animal lover in me winced about the slices of kitty, but its all good in sci-fi world. So, the end of this first installment is very powerful. And your victim is female, very interesting. I will be waiting. Very good, very unique, you are very talented. Thank you for allowing my comments, which I could expand upon greatly, but you get it, I love it!!!

 Comment Written 17-Feb-2012

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reply by the author on 17-Feb-2012

Thanks mate, very kind of you.