Flash Fiction
Viewing comments for Chapter 17 "Time Marches On"Collection of Flash, Micro, etc.
40 total reviews
Comment from hotstuff
I think your story works as it is. It led me to think that a teenager was leaving, maybe because of an argument with her mum as they didn't seem to be speaking. I was surprised at the end when it was a five year leaving for the weekend.
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2010
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I think your story works as it is. It led me to think that a teenager was leaving, maybe because of an argument with her mum as they didn't seem to be speaking. I was surprised at the end when it was a five year leaving for the weekend.
Comment Written 30-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2010
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Thank you...Thank you..Thank you, my friend.
As always I appreciate your comments.
Smiles, CArol
Comment from cheyennewy
Hi Carol,
I wasn't confused at all about the events in this story. You have done your usual skillful job and I enjoyed this piece very much. The last line is a heart-wrencher. Well done...blessings, chey
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2010
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Hi Carol,
I wasn't confused at all about the events in this story. You have done your usual skillful job and I enjoyed this piece very much. The last line is a heart-wrencher. Well done...blessings, chey
Comment Written 30-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2010
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Chey,
Thanks so much..The first three or four reviews I got were not so good..they all said I should have explained myself better so I was worried. Thanks for the support...Smiles, Carol
Comment from fictionwriter
How sweet. I know that it's hard when you have your little ones growing up. I hated it when mine were all out of the house, so very lonely. Well done.
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2010
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How sweet. I know that it's hard when you have your little ones growing up. I hated it when mine were all out of the house, so very lonely. Well done.
Comment Written 30-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2010
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Joy,
Thanks again for stopping by and leaving me a review. Appreciate it so much...Carol
Comment from Belinda
Hi, Carol, you've got me fooled again. Had no idea how old Sandy is, where, and ho long she's going. The ending is a true surprise. A sweet one, though. Interesting short piece. I'm glad you're back to entertain us again ...
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2010
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Hi, Carol, you've got me fooled again. Had no idea how old Sandy is, where, and ho long she's going. The ending is a true surprise. A sweet one, though. Interesting short piece. I'm glad you're back to entertain us again ...
Comment Written 30-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2010
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Belinda,
Thanks for the kind review. I am really worried about this flash fiction because most are not getting the jest of the story..they are missing the part that daddy's gone, Mommy cries a lot, and now she's worried about disappearing too. Were you confused too? Any suggestions? Thanks again...Carol
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Dear Carol, I did not even realize it was a flash fiction. I think not all of us are born flash fiction writers. Certainly not me. Once I wrote one, and our friend Arjuna gave me her suggestions and I was able to cut a hundred words without the story missing anything. The trick is having something said with an economy of words. Although it is a challenge, I prefer to write general fiction.
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Me too!
Comment from Minglement
I really enjoyed this read and loved the surprise ending. What a touching last two lines. Just a suggestion but I'd switch the last two sentences of 'I'm not Daddy' would have more impact. Well done. Didn't notice any spags or nits.
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2010
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I really enjoyed this read and loved the surprise ending. What a touching last two lines. Just a suggestion but I'd switch the last two sentences of 'I'm not Daddy' would have more impact. Well done. Didn't notice any spags or nits.
Comment Written 30-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2010
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Minglement,
Thank you for the suggestion and the review. I think you might be right and I shall take another look..thanks again...Carol
Comment from Joseph Ephraim
This is a nice opening for a story, but hardly a story in itself. The surprise twist at the end was unexpected, but not particularly moving without a lot more development to give it substance. There are lots of unanswered questions that distract from the story. Why is the little girl going? Why is mom not speaking? Who is the driver of the car? Grandpa, taxi driver, stranger -- it makes a difference to the story. Does mom cry a lot, not just at this parting? If so, why? If not, why the the girl's room described as her sanctuary?
ADDENUM: I'm sorry, I didn't realize this was Flash Fiction. That explains a lot. It's not that I disliked the story, just that I thought it had so much more untapped potential. I would think you could use this story to create a longer short story or novella, where you can build on these ideas. As for suggested fixes, I would suggest somehow making it clear that mom's crying is connected with daddy's (recent?) leaving or at least leaving an ambiguity as to mom's overriding sorrow. Perhaps it is only me, but my thinking was so directed to the girl that daddy hardly seemed part of the equation. Good luck and keep writing.
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2010
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This is a nice opening for a story, but hardly a story in itself. The surprise twist at the end was unexpected, but not particularly moving without a lot more development to give it substance. There are lots of unanswered questions that distract from the story. Why is the little girl going? Why is mom not speaking? Who is the driver of the car? Grandpa, taxi driver, stranger -- it makes a difference to the story. Does mom cry a lot, not just at this parting? If so, why? If not, why the the girl's room described as her sanctuary?
ADDENUM: I'm sorry, I didn't realize this was Flash Fiction. That explains a lot. It's not that I disliked the story, just that I thought it had so much more untapped potential. I would think you could use this story to create a longer short story or novella, where you can build on these ideas. As for suggested fixes, I would suggest somehow making it clear that mom's crying is connected with daddy's (recent?) leaving or at least leaving an ambiguity as to mom's overriding sorrow. Perhaps it is only me, but my thinking was so directed to the girl that daddy hardly seemed part of the equation. Good luck and keep writing.
Comment Written 30-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2010
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Joseph,
Thank you for the review. The story is limited because it is flash fiction..a story cut to the bare minimum. The connection comes from the first paragraph where she says Daddy went away and didn't come back and Mommy cries alot...to the ending where she says she'll be back because she's not Daddy. Sorry if you didn't understand or enjoy the story...Carol
Comment from Shirley B
This was so sweet and emotional. It brought back so many memories. Your writing was so good and the imagery was believable. I felt like I was the mother telling my son goodbye. Great job. I wanted you to tell her not to go! great job, Shirley
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2010
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This was so sweet and emotional. It brought back so many memories. Your writing was so good and the imagery was believable. I felt like I was the mother telling my son goodbye. Great job. I wanted you to tell her not to go! great job, Shirley
Comment Written 30-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2010
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Shirley,
Thanks so much for the kind review..I too wanted her to stay..Appreciate your comments. Hope all is well with you..I've been gone from the site so long it's hard to get focused again. Smiles, Carol
Comment from Nefarioushibachi
I really liked this piece. I think the change at the end (going from thinking the narrator is someone older to a five year old child) works well. The only problem is it opens up a lot of questions that are hard to answer in a Flash Fiction piece. I think it works really well, but it might work better if it were longer.
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2010
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I really liked this piece. I think the change at the end (going from thinking the narrator is someone older to a five year old child) works well. The only problem is it opens up a lot of questions that are hard to answer in a Flash Fiction piece. I think it works really well, but it might work better if it were longer.
Comment Written 30-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2010
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Nefarioushibachi,
I was in the process of making changes when you reviewed..Maybe you will find it clearer now I hope. In the first paragraph I talk of Daddy leaving and Mommy crying..In the last line I say.."I'm not Daddy. I'll be back, MOm." Does that clarify it any? Thanks for the review...Carol
Comment from AnnaLinda
Begin Again,
This is a sweet little story. I was not sure
where you were going to take us here. You
have great descriptions that create vivid
images in the reader's mind. I think a lot
of mother's would be elated to get some peace -
but a mother's heart always does miss the
little ones and worry too.
"They stood there, neither saying a word."
I don't know if it is necessary, but I always say,
"niether (one) saying a word.
Linda
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reply by the author on 30-Oct-2010
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Begin Again,
This is a sweet little story. I was not sure
where you were going to take us here. You
have great descriptions that create vivid
images in the reader's mind. I think a lot
of mother's would be elated to get some peace -
but a mother's heart always does miss the
little ones and worry too.
"They stood there, neither saying a word."
I don't know if it is necessary, but I always say,
"niether (one) saying a word.
Linda
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 30-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2010
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SweetLinda,
Thanks for the review and the suggestions. I thought if the reader picjed up on the fact that Daddy had gone and not returned..they would understand why both hesitated to seperate..She'd never gone anywhere alone before..Thanks again..Carol
Comment from Diny
This felt sort of a let down- IMHO- I could feel the regret but thought perhaps she was leaving for colledge or getting married or somethng not a 5 year-old! Ido agree withthe facts they grow up too quick- I just think a trip to grandmas would be a fun thing not something she would not want to do... I think it was harder on the mom then the little girl in reality. But it was told well- write on-Di
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2010
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This felt sort of a let down- IMHO- I could feel the regret but thought perhaps she was leaving for colledge or getting married or somethng not a 5 year-old! Ido agree withthe facts they grow up too quick- I just think a trip to grandmas would be a fun thing not something she would not want to do... I think it was harder on the mom then the little girl in reality. But it was told well- write on-Di
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 29-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2010
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Diny,
thanks for the review..I wanted the reader to believe exactly as you did...until the end. It was her first time away from home and dad had already went away and not come home. she was afraid.
Appreciate the review...Smiles, Carol
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did not get the DAD gone thing at all- good idea!
