The Return
Viewing comments for Prologue "The Return"Erotic Turmoil
48 total reviews
Comment from DeboraDyess
Sandra, thank you for cueing me into the new novel. I haven't been very good at keeping up wiht my inbox lately. Not sure what's up in my head, but I need to get it back in the game!
Just a couple of thoughts...
~ lips followed just brushing her tremulous >> Do you need a comma here? Between followed and just? Not sure...
~ stroked and tormented >> Great! Perfect description of that emotion
~ filled the room, as she arched her back, and reaching the point of desperation, she cried out for that final abandoned moment of explosive release her body begged for ... demanded! >> filled the room as she arched her back and, reaching the point of desperation, cried out for that final abandoned moment of explosive release her body begged for ... demanded... >> I removed a couple of commas, moved one and took away the exclamation point. Oh, also took out 'she'. If you left out the bit that's encapsulated by the commas, you wouldn't nned it so you don't need it with the commas, either. Make sense? And this is US, not UK. So it might be wrong for you, anyway. lol
~ Of course, there was no answer, she was alone. >> Since these are two complete thoughts, I'd either make them two sentences or separate them with a semi-colon. Just me. :)
~ his and hers! >> I'm just not a big fan of exclamation points. I took a class once where the instructor said that an exclamaiton point is like a toddler. One or two every once in a while is fine. Lots of them close together create chaos. I'm not sure this is an exclamation point moment. It seems more sad and lonely than excited.
~ startling red hair in a smaller towel. >> First of all, I LOVE startling red hair. My oldest granddaughter has that beautiful red hair that hangs in tiny curls down to the middle of her back. Yes, I think she's a beauty and my rather biased opinion is backed by everyone else. lol. But... instead of using 'towel' twice in a sentence, I think you might consider just using a pronoun for the second one.
You've got me wondering. That's pretty graphic details for a virgin. I hope she's not disappointed later! ð???
Definitely a great lead-in, full of tension and mystery. I"m in!
Blessings and hugs and happy New Year!
Debs
reply by the author on 31-Dec-2021
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Sandra, thank you for cueing me into the new novel. I haven't been very good at keeping up wiht my inbox lately. Not sure what's up in my head, but I need to get it back in the game!
Just a couple of thoughts...
~ lips followed just brushing her tremulous >> Do you need a comma here? Between followed and just? Not sure...
~ stroked and tormented >> Great! Perfect description of that emotion
~ filled the room, as she arched her back, and reaching the point of desperation, she cried out for that final abandoned moment of explosive release her body begged for ... demanded! >> filled the room as she arched her back and, reaching the point of desperation, cried out for that final abandoned moment of explosive release her body begged for ... demanded... >> I removed a couple of commas, moved one and took away the exclamation point. Oh, also took out 'she'. If you left out the bit that's encapsulated by the commas, you wouldn't nned it so you don't need it with the commas, either. Make sense? And this is US, not UK. So it might be wrong for you, anyway. lol
~ Of course, there was no answer, she was alone. >> Since these are two complete thoughts, I'd either make them two sentences or separate them with a semi-colon. Just me. :)
~ his and hers! >> I'm just not a big fan of exclamation points. I took a class once where the instructor said that an exclamaiton point is like a toddler. One or two every once in a while is fine. Lots of them close together create chaos. I'm not sure this is an exclamation point moment. It seems more sad and lonely than excited.
~ startling red hair in a smaller towel. >> First of all, I LOVE startling red hair. My oldest granddaughter has that beautiful red hair that hangs in tiny curls down to the middle of her back. Yes, I think she's a beauty and my rather biased opinion is backed by everyone else. lol. But... instead of using 'towel' twice in a sentence, I think you might consider just using a pronoun for the second one.
You've got me wondering. That's pretty graphic details for a virgin. I hope she's not disappointed later! ð???
Definitely a great lead-in, full of tension and mystery. I"m in!
Blessings and hugs and happy New Year!
Debs
Comment Written 31-Dec-2021
reply by the author on 31-Dec-2021
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Thank you so much, Debs, I'm so pleased, ecstatic, even, that you enjoyed my prologue! And thank you for the great edits. I've got them sorted.
As for her being a virgin, yes she is but she's not. Lol. Sort that out!!! Thanks my friend. Love and hugs, Sandra xxx
Comment from Mary Shifman
Well, this is an excellent beginning and a very effective hook for the reader. I want to know more and I'm looking forward to Sunday when I can read the next installment of the story. Very well done.
reply by the author on 31-Dec-2021
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Well, this is an excellent beginning and a very effective hook for the reader. I want to know more and I'm looking forward to Sunday when I can read the next installment of the story. Very well done.
Comment Written 31-Dec-2021
reply by the author on 31-Dec-2021
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Thank you so much, Mary, for this lovely review, and the sixth golden star. I've chuffed to bits you enjoyed my prologue. Things will really get weird for our protagonist in the next few chapters. I hope you come along. Happy New Year, my friend. Warm hugs, Sandra xx
Comment from barbara.wilkey
Holy Cow!!! Who or what is this man? You've captured my interest. I can't wait for the rest. I can see you've done a great job writing this. I can't wait until Sunday. I will search my PM box.
reply by the author on 31-Dec-2021
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Holy Cow!!! Who or what is this man? You've captured my interest. I can't wait for the rest. I can see you've done a great job writing this. I can't wait until Sunday. I will search my PM box.
Comment Written 31-Dec-2021
reply by the author on 31-Dec-2021
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Lol, thank you, Barbara, I'm glad I've captured your attention. All will become clear as the story unfolds. I'm just putting the final touches to chapter one. Thanks for this fabulous review, my friend, and all those stars. Have a wonderful, productive New Year! Love and hugs, Sandra xx
Comment from Shirley McLain
This is an excellent prologue. You certainly got my attention and I defiantly want to know more. I hope you had a wonderful Christmas and have a blessed New Year. Great writing. Shirley
reply by the author on 31-Dec-2021
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This is an excellent prologue. You certainly got my attention and I defiantly want to know more. I hope you had a wonderful Christmas and have a blessed New Year. Great writing. Shirley
Comment Written 31-Dec-2021
reply by the author on 31-Dec-2021
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Thank you so very much for this really wonderful six star review, Shirley! I'm so chuffed you enjoyed the prologue. You will learn more about this 'man/phantom' shortly. You have a wonderful New Year, my friend, love and hugs, Sandra x
Comment from damommy
This is certainly a turn from your usual writing. The imagery is outstanding, you naughty girl. This is sure to draw in readers you've never had before. They will be expecting a very graphic novel. I'm looking forward to Sunday's post. (I don't have a six today.)
reply by the author on 31-Dec-2021
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This is certainly a turn from your usual writing. The imagery is outstanding, you naughty girl. This is sure to draw in readers you've never had before. They will be expecting a very graphic novel. I'm looking forward to Sunday's post. (I don't have a six today.)
Comment Written 31-Dec-2021
reply by the author on 31-Dec-2021
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I know, now you know why I was a bit nervous! Lol. The next few parts will gradually tell you what this prologue was about. I'm so pleased you weren't put off, it was neccesary for the plot ... well, sort of!! Lol. Thank you, my dear, SATP xxxxx
Comment from Judy Lawless
Wow, this is a powerful prologue you've written, Sandra. I think you've already captured enough reviewers to make this novel another hit. I haven't read any of your work before, because when I came onboard your last novel was well underway, too far to catch up. I look forward to following this one. Happy New Year to you too!
reply by the author on 31-Dec-2021
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Wow, this is a powerful prologue you've written, Sandra. I think you've already captured enough reviewers to make this novel another hit. I haven't read any of your work before, because when I came onboard your last novel was well underway, too far to catch up. I look forward to following this one. Happy New Year to you too!
Comment Written 31-Dec-2021
reply by the author on 31-Dec-2021
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Thank you so very much, Judy, for this amazing review and all the stars! This prologue has gone better than I could have dreamt. I have to tell you, I was really nervous putting this on. I hope you enjoy the story, chapter one starts Sunday! Thanks again, my friend, and a Happy New Year to you, too!! :)) Sandra xx
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You're welcome Sandra. I understand your hesitancy of posting this here. I've been in the same position with my novel and pulled it because of negative reviews. But using more description such as yours in a personal memoir, received more reviews than I've ever gotten! Go figure.
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I know what you mean, well I'm not going to hold back again!! Lol. Thanks, Judy. xx
Comment from Dolly'sPoems
A brief sexual encounter introduced us to your new story Sandra and this girl certainly is in tune with this boy and the cold shower killed their desires here, good luck with this one, love Dolly x
reply by the author on 31-Dec-2021
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A brief sexual encounter introduced us to your new story Sandra and this girl certainly is in tune with this boy and the cold shower killed their desires here, good luck with this one, love Dolly x
Comment Written 31-Dec-2021
reply by the author on 31-Dec-2021
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Thank you, Dolly, for reading my prologue, it will be quite different to anything I've written before, but also, not overly sexy. In fact there isn't much of it at all throughout the story. At least, there isn't at the moment!! Thanks for you lovely review. Love and hugs, Sandra xx
Comment from Sanku
My ! This is really rivetting .An excellent start .will be with you right through the novel.
Wishing you a very happy new year.may God bless you and your family with peace and prosperity.
reply by the author on 31-Dec-2021
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My ! This is really rivetting .An excellent start .will be with you right through the novel.
Wishing you a very happy new year.may God bless you and your family with peace and prosperity.
Comment Written 31-Dec-2021
reply by the author on 31-Dec-2021
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Thank you so much, Sanku! I'm so pleased you enjoyed my prologue! Chapter one will be here on Sunday! Love and hugs, my friend. :)) Sandra xx
Comment from Ben Colder
Wow! What a nightmare. I am surprised there was a bed left and for sure any sheets to grab, I am surprised she was able to find her fuzzy slippers let alone the shower. Very surprising post from you. From children's books to hickory- Dockrey - dock. Happy New Year, Sandy.
reply by the author on 31-Dec-2021
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Wow! What a nightmare. I am surprised there was a bed left and for sure any sheets to grab, I am surprised she was able to find her fuzzy slippers let alone the shower. Very surprising post from you. From children's books to hickory- Dockrey - dock. Happy New Year, Sandy.
Comment Written 31-Dec-2021
reply by the author on 31-Dec-2021
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You have no idea how nervous I was posting this one, Chuck! You were the one person on here I worried about most. My story isn't like the prologue but you will understand the reasoning for it later in the book. I know, my children's stories are a long way from this book. Lol. Thank you so much, my dear friend, I really appreciated you reading this part. Now the story begins!! Love and hugs, and a Happy New Year to you, too! :)) Sandy xx
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We all dream much like the rain, falls on the just and the unjust.
Comment from Sherry Asbury
Just great with the sex...and you certainly can count on a readership with this story. I am going to follow this carefully, learning from you what a novel should be. I write other things but want to branch out. This was an enticing and delightful introduction to your story!!
reply by the author on 31-Dec-2021
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Just great with the sex...and you certainly can count on a readership with this story. I am going to follow this carefully, learning from you what a novel should be. I write other things but want to branch out. This was an enticing and delightful introduction to your story!!
Comment Written 31-Dec-2021
reply by the author on 31-Dec-2021
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Aw, thank you so much, Sherry!! You have no idea how pleased I am that you liked my prologue, I was a bit nervous posting it. I'm beginning to relax a bit now!! Lol. Thank you, and a very happy New Year!! Love and hugs, Sandra xx
I started off just writing children's stories in poetry, it was when I joined Fanstory and got to know people here that I tried my hand at novels. It's been quite an experience. You must try it, branch out and see what comes, you will surprise yourself by what you can accomplish. I will be watching out for it. xxxx