Behold: the Cosmic Do-Over
Two Lives Knitted to a Continuum38 total reviews
Comment from dmt1967
This is a very moving piece. I don't fully understand it but that could be because I am a bit dim when it comes to this kind of writing. Good luck in the contest and thank you for sharing. Stay safe.
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2021
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This is a very moving piece. I don't fully understand it but that could be because I am a bit dim when it comes to this kind of writing. Good luck in the contest and thank you for sharing. Stay safe.
Comment Written 09-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2021
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You're not dim. I let the reader down. It was truly an experiment in transition. and should have been left on Word to study and jettisoned.
Comment from barbara.wilkey
I am guessing that this was a robbery attempt, but then a piece of me saw a seduction. Okay, I am not sure. It was a very interesting read. I am curious to find out this this post did in the contest. I wish you the best of luck.
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2021
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I am guessing that this was a robbery attempt, but then a piece of me saw a seduction. Okay, I am not sure. It was a very interesting read. I am curious to find out this this post did in the contest. I wish you the best of luck.
Comment Written 09-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2021
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It won't do anything in the contest (except alienate the judges). It shouldn't have been entered in the contest. I'm embarrassed by it.
Comment from Iza Deleanu
Yup you are right, you are the only one who gets it:) Let me try my two cents on it: genre -horror and here comes the scary part of a poor soul metamorphosis into a hideous creature:"The petals shiver, close upon themselves, devolve to bud. Legs, arms, head spasm like a puppet's whose strings, tugged by the puppeteer, yank at every joint until she stands, bewildered, mouth twisted." Thank you for sharing and good luck with the contest.
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2021
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Yup you are right, you are the only one who gets it:) Let me try my two cents on it: genre -horror and here comes the scary part of a poor soul metamorphosis into a hideous creature:"The petals shiver, close upon themselves, devolve to bud. Legs, arms, head spasm like a puppet's whose strings, tugged by the puppeteer, yank at every joint until she stands, bewildered, mouth twisted." Thank you for sharing and good luck with the contest.
Comment Written 09-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2021
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I should never have published it, Iza. It should have remained on my computer as an experiment from which I will learn to make future stories stronger and more compelling.
Comment from RetroStarfish
It works. It is spectacularly written in any direction on the space/time continuum: "Legs, arms, head spasm like a puppet's whose strings, tugged by the puppeteer, yank at every joint until she stands, bewildered, mouth twisted."
By writing the story forward and backward you've captured that sickening feeling where one relives a terrible moment over and over in one's head, wishing it could change, but watching helplessly as horror unfolds.
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2021
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It works. It is spectacularly written in any direction on the space/time continuum: "Legs, arms, head spasm like a puppet's whose strings, tugged by the puppeteer, yank at every joint until she stands, bewildered, mouth twisted."
By writing the story forward and backward you've captured that sickening feeling where one relives a terrible moment over and over in one's head, wishing it could change, but watching helplessly as horror unfolds.
Comment Written 09-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2021
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This is not a good day for my writer's ego, Retro. Oddly, you were spot-on with everything I wanted to convey. But it had no place on Fanstory as a story, certainly not as an entry in the contest for the judges to ponder over. It was an experiment just as the great artists experiment to hone their craft. But it should have remained in a folder on my computer, to study. Transitions and sequencing are of vast importance to the writer, but we learn them in the privacy of our homes, then, when learned, use them as seamless parts of our stories with plots and characters you care about.
That said, I truly, humbly thank you for your support in this and for ferreting out what I had intended. Perhaps you and I see the deeper implications in what we, as artists, should be trying to do.
Thank you for that, and for the lovely six. I cherish them.
Comment from Alcreator Litt Dear
This Flash Fiction Contest Entry speaks the true feeling about the pose, disguise apart; expressed mysticism in projection; well said, well done; thanks for sharing this. Wish best of luck. ALCREATOR
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2021
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This Flash Fiction Contest Entry speaks the true feeling about the pose, disguise apart; expressed mysticism in projection; well said, well done; thanks for sharing this. Wish best of luck. ALCREATOR
Comment Written 09-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2021
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Thank you Al. Thank you so much for reading it.
Comment from padumachitta
hi
Jay
Well, I got it. But I think for a flsh it might leave a few scratching their heads.
Poor we women shot with a tazer, me thinks, ouch.
Or just shot, or ..
see the thing is, the reader doesn't need to understand it completely, for in flash, we fill in the gaps ourselves.
good luck int he contest. I put a jokey one in for it...I am writing something serious for another submission site...and just needed a bit of fun...
Good one this, should do well.-)
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2021
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hi
Jay
Well, I got it. But I think for a flsh it might leave a few scratching their heads.
Poor we women shot with a tazer, me thinks, ouch.
Or just shot, or ..
see the thing is, the reader doesn't need to understand it completely, for in flash, we fill in the gaps ourselves.
good luck int he contest. I put a jokey one in for it...I am writing something serious for another submission site...and just needed a bit of fun...
Good one this, should do well.-)
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 09-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2021
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Jody, thank you for reading and commenting. However, this was an experiment only and should have been left in a folder on my "desktop". I'm sorry I put you in an awkward position.
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okay...but was i even close?
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Oh, I get it. Tazer for the string from her blouse to the gun, right? Well, that's as good an explanation as my actual one. But no, it was intended as the trajectory of a bullet from a gun. That just shows my limitation as a writer using words I have at my command.
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well, a gun was my first thought...but then that seemed to easy...though the blood couldn't have been from a tazer..
I watch a ton of Criminal Minds, I like the characters on the team, and end up getting all over thinky when it comes to shoot 'ems and crime stories...
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well do I feel stupid or what. I mean, now I read the other reviews. Jasus in a jar, Jay, I am usually smarter than this.
I think t the re-opening of the stores here. We were completely shut down for 3 and a half months...maybe I just got over stimulated and lost my mind at the DIY store.
I may have left it there under the electrical tape.
Please forgive my denseness, Larry on a rity, stupid me today:-)
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OMG, Jody, you're not stupid! The experiment was awkward and rather silly and should have stayed on my desktop in a folder.
Comment from phill doran
Hello Jay
Six-Plus. A great experiment, really well executed to make the piece intriguing and well worth a few reads (read bottom to top, of course, it's quite clear but you only think of that once you've worked it out). A very David Lynch approach and feel. Something different and fresh for it.
Great writing: the blossoming flower of the gun shot, (although, I think "devolve" is a forward action, not a reverse action like "revert" or the gun-pun "recoil"), the excellent imagery of the uncontrolled mannequin as a visual representation of a "reverse action" film - because, yes, that's exactly how it looks.
And a clever (and real) touch that, having shot her, in the immediate madness of a plot gone wrong, he notices her underwear. That's the way it would be.
Great stuff - Your intentions are appreciated. A clever idea, well delivered.
I wish you well with your continued writing and I trust that you will have a brilliant week ahead of you.
cheers
phill
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2021
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Hello Jay
Six-Plus. A great experiment, really well executed to make the piece intriguing and well worth a few reads (read bottom to top, of course, it's quite clear but you only think of that once you've worked it out). A very David Lynch approach and feel. Something different and fresh for it.
Great writing: the blossoming flower of the gun shot, (although, I think "devolve" is a forward action, not a reverse action like "revert" or the gun-pun "recoil"), the excellent imagery of the uncontrolled mannequin as a visual representation of a "reverse action" film - because, yes, that's exactly how it looks.
And a clever (and real) touch that, having shot her, in the immediate madness of a plot gone wrong, he notices her underwear. That's the way it would be.
Great stuff - Your intentions are appreciated. A clever idea, well delivered.
I wish you well with your continued writing and I trust that you will have a brilliant week ahead of you.
cheers
phill
Comment Written 09-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2021
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It's so difficult to honestly answer your review when you rewarded my "story" so handsomely, particularly since you where spot-on with what I had intended in my experiment. As an experiment to seriously study the use of transition and sequencing in stories I believe I did what artists have done throughout history, but had the good sense to leave them in their sketchbooks (and for writer-artists, in their journals), and not publish them as part of the body of evidence for who they are. Engaging in such experiments is how we grow. Of course, I'm singing to the choir now. Your story about the woman who had fallen and relives her past in her mind as she lies in her garden--that is a TRUE story which can be viewed as an experiment in transitioning and sequencing as well ... but by creating a real person that the reader can care about to exhibit it. I came close with the teller, who showed courage in the face of death to push the button.
I humbly thank you, Phill, for your lovely six. (How I love my sixes!) And I thank you for taking the time to show me that what I had intended, I had accomplished. You understood it. For that I am grateful! But the only reason I'm not withdrawing this entry is because I feel I need to take the time to answer each person who reviewed it.
Your six I take as a highlight to what otherwise will be a long day of paying penance.
Comment from Elizabeth Emerald
SSSSSStupendous! Ingenious rewind scenario vividly rendered in startling imagery. Brilliant idea, stunning rendering of the reversion--six-star-worthy on both countssssss. Cheerssssss. LIZ
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2021
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SSSSSStupendous! Ingenious rewind scenario vividly rendered in startling imagery. Brilliant idea, stunning rendering of the reversion--six-star-worthy on both countssssss. Cheerssssss. LIZ
Comment Written 09-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2021
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Bless you and thank you, Liz!