2017 JAPANESE POETRY
Viewing comments for Chapter 14 "jisei haiku (chilled to the bone)"A collection of Japanese poetry
45 total reviews
Comment from Ric Myworld
I just wonder if a person who has passed is all knowing and seeing? Or, just merely a remnant of what they were, a shell of the person we knew, and possibly loved. Great job. :-)
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2017
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I just wonder if a person who has passed is all knowing and seeing? Or, just merely a remnant of what they were, a shell of the person we knew, and possibly loved. Great job. :-)
Comment Written 05-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2017
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I wonder too.
Thank you for taking the time from your busy schedule to read and ponder my poem. You are very kind and I appreciate it very much.
Gypsy
Comment from papa55mike
The poets on this site are amazing! I can't believe all the things you can do. I just read so many great poets that are challenging the edge of poetry has a form. Videos, pictures, soundtracks and so many toys. This site has the best poetry in the world! I wish I had a six for you.
Have a great day and God bless.
mike
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2017
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The poets on this site are amazing! I can't believe all the things you can do. I just read so many great poets that are challenging the edge of poetry has a form. Videos, pictures, soundtracks and so many toys. This site has the best poetry in the world! I wish I had a six for you.
Have a great day and God bless.
mike
Comment Written 05-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2017
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LOL I love your enthusiasm. Welcome to fanstory. It is the best site for writers. Let me know if you need help.
Thank you for taking the time from your busy schedule to read and ponder my poem. You are very kind and I appreciate it very much.
Gypsy
Comment from Dolly'sPoems
This is a sad write, I know it's for the contest and it's a great entry. The memory of your children's laughter is so precious and I find it sad that you will never hear it again, love Dolly x
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2017
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This is a sad write, I know it's for the contest and it's a great entry. The memory of your children's laughter is so precious and I find it sad that you will never hear it again, love Dolly x
Comment Written 05-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2017
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Thank you, Dolly, for taking the time from your busy schedule to read and ponder my poem. You are very kind and I appreciate it very much.
Gypsy
Comment from Douglas Paul
I like this one, my friend. I can definitely see that remembering your children's laughter might well be the last thing on you mind as death is imminent. This is beautiful
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2017
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I like this one, my friend. I can definitely see that remembering your children's laughter might well be the last thing on you mind as death is imminent. This is beautiful
Comment Written 05-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2017
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Thank you for taking the time from your busy schedule to read and ponder my poem. You are very kind and I appreciate it very much.
Gypsy
Comment from Mark Schardine
Thank you for this poem and also the explanation of jisei haiku. Few of us will be able to offer any meaningful words in our final moments.
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2017
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Thank you for this poem and also the explanation of jisei haiku. Few of us will be able to offer any meaningful words in our final moments.
Comment Written 05-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2017
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Thank you for taking the time from your busy schedule to read and ponder my poem. You are very kind and I appreciate it very much.
Gypsy
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I greatly enjoy your Haiku club and would like to ask if I can contribute.
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Really? I am very funny when you get to know me. I've done funny stuff before. But lately, it has been a challenging time for me. Laughter is good for the soul.
luv ya,
gypsy
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Are you kidding? We love to have you join us. I will add your name to our roster and send you the info in a private message.
Yay...
gypsy
Comment from Sasha
I think I understand the meaning behind the hearing her children's laughter. The last fond memory of her children brings peace before death. The music adds to the eerie tone of this poem. Excellent work with this and a terrific entry for this contest. I wish you all the best.
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2017
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I think I understand the meaning behind the hearing her children's laughter. The last fond memory of her children brings peace before death. The music adds to the eerie tone of this poem. Excellent work with this and a terrific entry for this contest. I wish you all the best.
Comment Written 05-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2017
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Yes! You got it. Thank you for taking the time from your busy schedule to read and ponder my poem. You are very kind and I appreciate it very much.
Gypsy
Comment from judiverse
This is a marvelous deathbed thought--hearing your children's laughter. It would make for peace if thinking of your children brings back pleasant memories. I hear stories of children and parents who've become estranged over the years. What sad dying thoughts they must have, to be cut off from their family. Best of luck in the contest. Rather a morbid category, these jisei poems, but something to think about. Best of luck in the contest. judi
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2017
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This is a marvelous deathbed thought--hearing your children's laughter. It would make for peace if thinking of your children brings back pleasant memories. I hear stories of children and parents who've become estranged over the years. What sad dying thoughts they must have, to be cut off from their family. Best of luck in the contest. Rather a morbid category, these jisei poems, but something to think about. Best of luck in the contest. judi
Comment Written 05-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2017
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Thank you for taking the time from your busy schedule to read and ponder my poem, Judi. You are very kind and I appreciate it very much.
Gypsy
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You're very welcome. You sure surprised me with your humorous 5-7-5. So different from what you usually do. judi
Comment from Donya Quijote
I'll have to think some more about these jisei haiku. The one by Basho is in a book I have, at least I think it is because it feels very familiar. I have questions about two aspects of your poem: imagery and word usage. I subscribe to the philosophy that when it comes to haiku less is almost always best. So this vain I would recommend dropping "as" from the second line. It is not really necessary and its absence is not noticeable. I often go by sound when determining what I can trim. Grammatically you already have a introductory clause in "chilled to the bone" and "as" sets up another, by eliminating it you will have two well connected phrases, and grammatically proper. The other problem I have is the use of "empty". Your bed is not empty if you are lying in it. You can eliminate it and not lose a thing regarding your haiku. If you feel that a word is necessary in that spot then try lonely, because whether your are dead, sleeping, or ill, your bed is a lonely one. It sounds good too. Lastly, and here is the funny thing that happened to me as I read your haiku. When I read that last line, immediately the image of the old women haggling over Scrooge's curtain rings came to mind. I don't think that was the image you were going for. Maybe changing laughter to tears would be better. I'm not sure of the imagery you were trying to convey in this as there are many contradictions. I will have to look more into this type of haiku to better understand it. Good luck in the contest...
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2017
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I'll have to think some more about these jisei haiku. The one by Basho is in a book I have, at least I think it is because it feels very familiar. I have questions about two aspects of your poem: imagery and word usage. I subscribe to the philosophy that when it comes to haiku less is almost always best. So this vain I would recommend dropping "as" from the second line. It is not really necessary and its absence is not noticeable. I often go by sound when determining what I can trim. Grammatically you already have a introductory clause in "chilled to the bone" and "as" sets up another, by eliminating it you will have two well connected phrases, and grammatically proper. The other problem I have is the use of "empty". Your bed is not empty if you are lying in it. You can eliminate it and not lose a thing regarding your haiku. If you feel that a word is necessary in that spot then try lonely, because whether your are dead, sleeping, or ill, your bed is a lonely one. It sounds good too. Lastly, and here is the funny thing that happened to me as I read your haiku. When I read that last line, immediately the image of the old women haggling over Scrooge's curtain rings came to mind. I don't think that was the image you were going for. Maybe changing laughter to tears would be better. I'm not sure of the imagery you were trying to convey in this as there are many contradictions. I will have to look more into this type of haiku to better understand it. Good luck in the contest...
Comment Written 05-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2017
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Thank you, Donya Quijote, you are very kind. I appreciate your feedback. :)
Gypsy Sensei
Comment from Mrs Happy Poet
Yes this is well written my friend a very good example of this form the accompanying picture gave me the creeps but it adds to the feel of the poem well done regards Jill
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2017
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Yes this is well written my friend a very good example of this form the accompanying picture gave me the creeps but it adds to the feel of the poem well done regards Jill
Comment Written 05-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2017
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Thank you for taking the time from your busy schedule to read and ponder my poem. You are very kind and I appreciate it very much.
Gypsy
Comment from robyn corum
Gypsy,
I have to be honest, right? I have a problem with the imagery. If she's lying on the bed - it's not 'empty'. Maybe lying on her 'lonely' bed? Or something like that? Lying on my 'death' bed. That might be better, because you don't get the idea of death in this poem. Good luck in the contest. Thanks!
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2017
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Gypsy,
I have to be honest, right? I have a problem with the imagery. If she's lying on the bed - it's not 'empty'. Maybe lying on her 'lonely' bed? Or something like that? Lying on my 'death' bed. That might be better, because you don't get the idea of death in this poem. Good luck in the contest. Thanks!
Comment Written 05-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2017
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Thank you for taking the time from your busy schedule to read and ponder my poem. I do want you to be honest. I understand what you are saying. I'll give it a look.
You are very kind and I appreciate it very much.
Gypsy