Quick Reads
Viewing comments for Chapter 4 "The Last Time"A Flash Fiction Collection
36 total reviews
Comment from Word Junkie
Hello lancellot,
This is weird in a good way, an imaginative story which might offend the sensibilities of some, but it's obviously fiction, so I wouldn't worry about those who think the story is sick.
La-Z-Boy - it's a brand name
When you began writing this story you worked with a mental picture of what was transpiring. The reader doesn't have that. I understand that writers here at FS are concerned about length, so I know you don't want this to be too long, but in my opinion it's not long enough. You need to paint a picture at the outset showing us where we are. If there are people in the courtroom, we need to see how they react. There's also another big question in my mind: Why did the nurses react with horror the following morning? At this point Dora has passed, we know that, but she was alive the previous evening. So the nurses see an elderly husband, nude, in bed with his deceased wife. He's asleep when they enter. What was all the hoopla about? In order for this story to make sense, we need more information. If an orderly were discovered in her bed we could understand this reaction. But the husband?
Okay, just some food for thought for you. The writing's sound. You might consider italicizing his testimony, or using some device other than the opening quote mark, which is confusing because the dialogue is interspersed throughout the testimony.
You use "had said" several times. No need for 'had' in those lines. It's passive.
Well, this one must have been tough to write. You did a great job. With a few tweaks I think it will be top-notch, and it's excellent for this particular contest.
Good luck!
Lana
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2016
  |
Hello lancellot,
This is weird in a good way, an imaginative story which might offend the sensibilities of some, but it's obviously fiction, so I wouldn't worry about those who think the story is sick.
La-Z-Boy - it's a brand name
When you began writing this story you worked with a mental picture of what was transpiring. The reader doesn't have that. I understand that writers here at FS are concerned about length, so I know you don't want this to be too long, but in my opinion it's not long enough. You need to paint a picture at the outset showing us where we are. If there are people in the courtroom, we need to see how they react. There's also another big question in my mind: Why did the nurses react with horror the following morning? At this point Dora has passed, we know that, but she was alive the previous evening. So the nurses see an elderly husband, nude, in bed with his deceased wife. He's asleep when they enter. What was all the hoopla about? In order for this story to make sense, we need more information. If an orderly were discovered in her bed we could understand this reaction. But the husband?
Okay, just some food for thought for you. The writing's sound. You might consider italicizing his testimony, or using some device other than the opening quote mark, which is confusing because the dialogue is interspersed throughout the testimony.
You use "had said" several times. No need for 'had' in those lines. It's passive.
Well, this one must have been tough to write. You did a great job. With a few tweaks I think it will be top-notch, and it's excellent for this particular contest.
Good luck!
Lana
Comment Written 29-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2016
-
Thank you very much
Comment from Halfree
Well done my friend. Story told with compassion, tenderness and love.
I am suggesting a Halfree ending...
"H,R, faded into the mists of time and was never seen again"
Ok, I might be overstepping the bounds of reviewing.
Do like this story,.. one of your best.
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2016
 |
Well done my friend. Story told with compassion, tenderness and love.
I am suggesting a Halfree ending...
"H,R, faded into the mists of time and was never seen again"
Ok, I might be overstepping the bounds of reviewing.
Do like this story,.. one of your best.
Comment Written 29-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2016
-
Thank you very much.
Comment from LIJ Red
A story that has a terrifying side if you are a reader old enough to feel the tide on your feet and wonder where you left your glasses...well written.
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2016
|
A story that has a terrifying side if you are a reader old enough to feel the tide on your feet and wonder where you left your glasses...well written.
Comment Written 29-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2016
-
Thank you very much
Comment from c_lucas
That is not a Court in the world that can keep lovers apart when they want to be together. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very good read.
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2016
|
That is not a Court in the world that can keep lovers apart when they want to be together. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very good read.
Comment Written 29-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2016
-
Thank you very much
-
You're welcome, L. Charlie
Comment from songlines
This is so beautiful a story, and so nearly spoiled by stupidity, but Ok I have to agree that they had to look at it both ways, but for heaven's sake.... I would like to think this is a true story.
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2016
|
This is so beautiful a story, and so nearly spoiled by stupidity, but Ok I have to agree that they had to look at it both ways, but for heaven's sake.... I would like to think this is a true story.
Comment Written 29-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2016
-
Thank you very much
Comment from trumby
very well done. This is what I'd call a "real" love story.
I wouldn't say that about many of the teenage "romance" books out there.
A life spent together and then to die in your true love's embrace. In mutual orgasm no less.
It's as if they both left together on that night.
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2016
|
very well done. This is what I'd call a "real" love story.
I wouldn't say that about many of the teenage "romance" books out there.
A life spent together and then to die in your true love's embrace. In mutual orgasm no less.
It's as if they both left together on that night.
Comment Written 29-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2016
-
Thank you very much
Comment from ~Dovey
Hi Lance,
I am sure this will quite unique among the entries for this contest. You handled this story so tastefully, expressing the emotions I'm sure we all hope to have at the end of our lives. I wouldn't change a word of it! My favorite line:
As she spoke I felt the strength in her grip fading like the delicate snowflakes on the window. (Excellent imagery)
Good luck!
Kim
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2016
|
Hi Lance,
I am sure this will quite unique among the entries for this contest. You handled this story so tastefully, expressing the emotions I'm sure we all hope to have at the end of our lives. I wouldn't change a word of it! My favorite line:
As she spoke I felt the strength in her grip fading like the delicate snowflakes on the window. (Excellent imagery)
Good luck!
Kim
Comment Written 29-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2016
-
Thank you very much
-
You are so welcome :)
Comment from dscheuren
We are suppose to provide positive and negative feedback. I thought this was well written and I enjoyed it up until the sexual portion. I think it is a beautiful story about the last moments of his wife's life - that she was able to remember her husband and not want to be left alone knowing her time was coming to and end. I think it could have stood on it's own without the erotic part. I have had a great experience with hospice and find it difficult to believe they would bring charges against the husband. Sorry, just providing my opinion. Having said that, it was well written.
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2016
|
We are suppose to provide positive and negative feedback. I thought this was well written and I enjoyed it up until the sexual portion. I think it is a beautiful story about the last moments of his wife's life - that she was able to remember her husband and not want to be left alone knowing her time was coming to and end. I think it could have stood on it's own without the erotic part. I have had a great experience with hospice and find it difficult to believe they would bring charges against the husband. Sorry, just providing my opinion. Having said that, it was well written.
Comment Written 29-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2016
-
Thank you. I respect your opinion but you do understand that without the erotic part, this story would be disqualified in this Erotic story contest, right?
-
I know it wouldn't have qualified but I thought it was a moving story without that . but yes, that would put it in a different genre. Best wishes.
Comment from jusylee72
Very well written and loved. Husbands and wives truly have a depth of understanding that others have never felt. Thank you for sharing a great story. Henry has moved on. Enjoyed
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2016
|
Very well written and loved. Husbands and wives truly have a depth of understanding that others have never felt. Thank you for sharing a great story. Henry has moved on. Enjoyed
Comment Written 28-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2016
-
Thank you very much
Comment from DonandVicki
A very haunting fiction, I enjoyed the short story in that you pulled me into the story and felt the characters were very real. I had to double check to see that it was fiction.
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2016
|
A very haunting fiction, I enjoyed the short story in that you pulled me into the story and felt the characters were very real. I had to double check to see that it was fiction.
Comment Written 28-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2016
-
Thank you very much