Falling Off The Edge
Viewing comments for Chapter 4 "Falling Off The Edge - Part Four"A true story
35 total reviews
Comment from Authorsue
Ulla, you and I have a couple of things in common; the name on my birth certificate is pronounced the same as yours but spelled differently (Eula), and I am also adopted.
I understood your story and your motives, but I did have a problem with so much narrative. You need to 'get into' you character. Use your five senses, See, hear, smell, taste and feel everything she can. Take her hand and walk with her through the story. Tell us a little something about every person we meet or you mention and what they mean to her.
You need to let us see what she sees, the scenery (briefly), buildings, offices, etc.
Remember, narrative is boring. Show us, don't tell us, what she feels, thinks, does, and so forth.
Your story is good. You'll get that first book.
Good luck, Authorsue
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2016
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Ulla, you and I have a couple of things in common; the name on my birth certificate is pronounced the same as yours but spelled differently (Eula), and I am also adopted.
I understood your story and your motives, but I did have a problem with so much narrative. You need to 'get into' you character. Use your five senses, See, hear, smell, taste and feel everything she can. Take her hand and walk with her through the story. Tell us a little something about every person we meet or you mention and what they mean to her.
You need to let us see what she sees, the scenery (briefly), buildings, offices, etc.
Remember, narrative is boring. Show us, don't tell us, what she feels, thinks, does, and so forth.
Your story is good. You'll get that first book.
Good luck, Authorsue
Comment Written 13-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2016
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Thank you, Sorry if the story is boring, but I take it on board what you are saying. As this is not fiction there is a limit to how much I can embroider. Learning all the time. All best. ulla
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Your welcome. And I didn't say it was boring. I said it sounded like narrative, and I just wanted you to put 'feeling' into your story.
Good luck, Authorsue
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I understand. Still learning. Ulla:)
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You're very welcome.
Authorsue
Comment from Ric Myworld
Oh, it's so good to hear the good news, and now I'll be expected something to go wrong, as it usually does when having to deal with inheritances and wills. Great job. :-)
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2016
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Oh, it's so good to hear the good news, and now I'll be expected something to go wrong, as it usually does when having to deal with inheritances and wills. Great job. :-)
Comment Written 13-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2016
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Hi Ric, thank you so much for another great review. I am so pleased that you are following this story. All the best. Ulla
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Since she has proof in the document and will have a good lawyer, should be no problem getting her share. It's the least the old bitty could do for her. :)
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2016
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Since she has proof in the document and will have a good lawyer, should be no problem getting her share. It's the least the old bitty could do for her. :)
Comment Written 13-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2016
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Thanks a lot for this, Phyllis. More will soon be revealed. All the best. Ulla
Comment from tspeer
Overall well written. I'm left a little in the dark, but probably because this is the first chapter I've read, so the others might have the needed background.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2016
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Overall well written. I'm left a little in the dark, but probably because this is the first chapter I've read, so the others might have the needed background.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 13-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2016
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Thanks. Read the first three chapters then. Ulla
Comment from seaglass
This story is keeping me interested. I wonder why your adopted mother chose to distance herself from family overall. That's never in anyone's best interest. This makes me wonder if outsiders have tried to set things up to get her inheritance.
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2016
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This story is keeping me interested. I wonder why your adopted mother chose to distance herself from family overall. That's never in anyone's best interest. This makes me wonder if outsiders have tried to set things up to get her inheritance.
Comment Written 13-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2016
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Hi, seaglass, My adoptive mother was not a nice person ever. More is to come soon. All the best. Ulla
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That's too sad, for a childe to lose one mother and have her replaced by a person that's less than decent is a tragedy. So many adopted children are abused in this country as well as foster children
Comment from Jacqueline M Franklin
Hi, Ulla
= A lot in this chapter ... good stuff.
= You got so lucky finding that lady who was so helpful.
= So many times that is NOT the case.
= Especially, since I used to work for the state ... I know the hoops they make people jump through.
= I had a little extra time, so did a more thorough review, with some editing.
= Of course, as always, made with respect, so us or lose as you see fit.
<> Missing comma.
="That is so kind of you," I said(,) and meant it.
= Maybe three hours(,) as I had no luggage,
= I promise they won't be long(,) and I will of course(,) reimburse you."
= doesn't win'(,) or something to that effect sprang to mind
= And with that(,) she disappeared through the door.
= And again(,) I was in luck.
= "Oh, hi(,) Otto, Ulla speaking. You're home?" (comma with direct address)
= "I hope I can ask you a favour(,) as I'm
= "Mrs Faber's Legal office(,) speaking."
<> Incorrect punctuation.
= phone number of Mrs Faber, remember the lawyer you recommended
Suggest: phone number of Mrs Faber. Remember the lawyer you recommended
= "Whoa, Ulla, slow down what's up, and where are you?"
Suggest: "Whoa, Ulla, slow down. What's up? And where are you?"
<> Missing quotes.
= told me, and now I'm glad that I did so.(")
<> Stands alone--not a dialogue tag: I sighed.
= I sighed[,](.) "I know Otto, she alienated herself
<> Suggest tweak for better flow.
=YOURS=
I chuckled, he was right, it never was boring but a little less would also do.
=SUGGEST=
I chuckled. He was right, because it never was boring. But, a little less would also do.
<> Incorrect comma.
= Otto returned as swiftly as promised[,] and gave me the number
<> Run on sentence.
=YOURS=
I thanked him and promised that I would, and as I was sending my love to my cousin, I saw the lady emerging from the basement, a broad smile on her face.
=SUGGEST=
I thanked him and promised that I would. While sending my love to my cousin, I saw the lady emerging from the basement, a broad smile on her face.
<> Suggested rewrite by tweaking verbiage for a smoother flow.
<> Last sentence seems to be worded as if she is asking?
= YOURS=
"You are all right, you are indeed eligible for inheritance purposes and I have made a copy of your entire adoptions file for you. I gather your next port of call will be a lawyer."
=SUGGEST=
"You were right, and indeed eligible for inheritance purposes. I have made a copy of your entire adoptions file for you. I gather your next port of call will be a lawyer?"
* Cheers & Blessings *
Keep Smilin'... Jackie/Jax (*>*)
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2016
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Hi, Ulla
= A lot in this chapter ... good stuff.
= You got so lucky finding that lady who was so helpful.
= So many times that is NOT the case.
= Especially, since I used to work for the state ... I know the hoops they make people jump through.
= I had a little extra time, so did a more thorough review, with some editing.
= Of course, as always, made with respect, so us or lose as you see fit.
<> Missing comma.
="That is so kind of you," I said(,) and meant it.
= Maybe three hours(,) as I had no luggage,
= I promise they won't be long(,) and I will of course(,) reimburse you."
= doesn't win'(,) or something to that effect sprang to mind
= And with that(,) she disappeared through the door.
= And again(,) I was in luck.
= "Oh, hi(,) Otto, Ulla speaking. You're home?" (comma with direct address)
= "I hope I can ask you a favour(,) as I'm
= "Mrs Faber's Legal office(,) speaking."
<> Incorrect punctuation.
= phone number of Mrs Faber, remember the lawyer you recommended
Suggest: phone number of Mrs Faber. Remember the lawyer you recommended
= "Whoa, Ulla, slow down what's up, and where are you?"
Suggest: "Whoa, Ulla, slow down. What's up? And where are you?"
<> Missing quotes.
= told me, and now I'm glad that I did so.(")
<> Stands alone--not a dialogue tag: I sighed.
= I sighed[,](.) "I know Otto, she alienated herself
<> Suggest tweak for better flow.
=YOURS=
I chuckled, he was right, it never was boring but a little less would also do.
=SUGGEST=
I chuckled. He was right, because it never was boring. But, a little less would also do.
<> Incorrect comma.
= Otto returned as swiftly as promised[,] and gave me the number
<> Run on sentence.
=YOURS=
I thanked him and promised that I would, and as I was sending my love to my cousin, I saw the lady emerging from the basement, a broad smile on her face.
=SUGGEST=
I thanked him and promised that I would. While sending my love to my cousin, I saw the lady emerging from the basement, a broad smile on her face.
<> Suggested rewrite by tweaking verbiage for a smoother flow.
<> Last sentence seems to be worded as if she is asking?
= YOURS=
"You are all right, you are indeed eligible for inheritance purposes and I have made a copy of your entire adoptions file for you. I gather your next port of call will be a lawyer."
=SUGGEST=
"You were right, and indeed eligible for inheritance purposes. I have made a copy of your entire adoptions file for you. I gather your next port of call will be a lawyer?"
* Cheers & Blessings *
Keep Smilin'... Jackie/Jax (*>*)
Comment Written 13-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2016
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Hi Jax, thanks a lot for all your time taken and I have made a lot of changes. Thanks for pointing them out. Why I don't see them is beyond me.I edit and edit and still get it wrong. GRRRRR. All the best. Ulla
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= It is ALWAYS easier to see other peeps boo boos.
= As the writer, we edit/proof/edit/proof, etc., so we just STOP seeing things.
= For me, after about the 30th read-through, my brain just stops seeing the simple typos.
= That's why we are all here, to help each other.
= When someone points out a typo, I just shake my head -- I know better, just flat-out didn't catch it.
= LOL -- you certainly are NOT alone. (*<*)
Comment from Dawn Munro
Oh Ulla, what a wonderful chapter! I was on edge reading, jut as you must have been in that office!
One tiny nit, for grammar I think - paragraph 12 - "...but more important(ly),"
I enjoyed this very much, and I can't wait for the next bit!
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2016
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Oh Ulla, what a wonderful chapter! I was on edge reading, jut as you must have been in that office!
One tiny nit, for grammar I think - paragraph 12 - "...but more important(ly),"
I enjoyed this very much, and I can't wait for the next bit!
Comment Written 13-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2016
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Thanks a lot Dawn, and I have made the correction. More is to follow soon. All the best. Ulla
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My pleasure, Ulla. :)
Comment from robyn corum
Wow! Sometimes things DO go right, don't they??!! I'm so thrilled that you're moving along in this procedure -- and still angry at that rude lawyer! humph!
Thanks for sharing!
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2016
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Wow! Sometimes things DO go right, don't they??!! I'm so thrilled that you're moving along in this procedure -- and still angry at that rude lawyer! humph!
Thanks for sharing!
Comment Written 13-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2016
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Hi Robyn, thanks a lot for this. And angry at the lawyer I sure was. All the best. Ulla
Comment from Writingfundimension
Hi, Ulla
It seems you are blessed with 'angels' no matter where you turn. Your attitude in facing challenges is stated well here: 'he who doesn't dare, doesn't win'. This story is fascinating as you make your way through the maze of obstacles created by your adoptive mother.
For your consideration:
'I hadn't need to worry.' This seems awkward to me. My suggestion: 'I needn't have worried.'
Another excellent chapter, my friend.
:) Bev
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2016
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Hi, Ulla
It seems you are blessed with 'angels' no matter where you turn. Your attitude in facing challenges is stated well here: 'he who doesn't dare, doesn't win'. This story is fascinating as you make your way through the maze of obstacles created by your adoptive mother.
For your consideration:
'I hadn't need to worry.' This seems awkward to me. My suggestion: 'I needn't have worried.'
Another excellent chapter, my friend.
:) Bev
Comment Written 13-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2016
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Hi Bev, thank a lot for this great review and the stars. Well, I suppose I've always been a fighter when I had to be. I have made the correction and thanks for pointing it out. You've made my day. All the best. Ulla:))
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You're very welcome, Ulla. Well-deserved!
:) Bev
Comment from Douglas Paul
This is another good chapter Ulla. I see no errors, I like the way this plot is developing and I like the anticipation of what is to come in the conflict with the sleazy lawyer
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2016
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This is another good chapter Ulla. I see no errors, I like the way this plot is developing and I like the anticipation of what is to come in the conflict with the sleazy lawyer
Comment Written 13-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2016
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Thank you so much for this great review. I am so pleased. All the best. Ulla