Falling Off The Edge
Viewing comments for Chapter 3 "Falling Off The Edge - Part Three"A true story
45 total reviews
Comment from foxangie123
This is the most relatable story I line and writing I've ever been able to relate as an adopted chil myself. You are an amazing authoress in all that you bless us to read. I mean it.
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2016
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This is the most relatable story I line and writing I've ever been able to relate as an adopted chil myself. You are an amazing authoress in all that you bless us to read. I mean it.
Comment Written 28-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2016
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Thank you so much, Angie. All best Ulla
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Love your work dear.
Comment from Mary Wakeford
So I'm definitely hooked and awaiting your ensuing chapters. Having a friend who was recently disinherited, by her own flesh and blood, your story caught me willingly to see it play out. No matter the flaw in a relationship, parents it would seem should always include every child as they depart the earth, for karma alone. Excellent read.
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2016
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So I'm definitely hooked and awaiting your ensuing chapters. Having a friend who was recently disinherited, by her own flesh and blood, your story caught me willingly to see it play out. No matter the flaw in a relationship, parents it would seem should always include every child as they depart the earth, for karma alone. Excellent read.
Comment Written 28-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2016
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Thank you so much Mary, I am so pleased that you like it. All the best. Ulla
Comment from Curly Girly
Ulla, yours is a compelling story.
Some suggestions:
I felt, rather than saw, that his small and narrow yet penetrating eyes followed me all the way as I ran down the steps,
I felt, rather than saw, that his small, narrow, penetrating eyes followed me as I ran down the steps,
He was doing this on his own, or, he had manipulated her when she was still alive.
Was he doing this on his own? Or had he manipulated her when she was alive?
"Ulla, your mother and I have drawn up a legal paper making sure that you will inherit us as if we'd given birth to you,"
"Ulla, your mother and I DREW up legal paperS TO MAKE sure that you will inherit FROM us as if we'd given birth to you,"
Nicole
reply by the author on 29-Feb-2016
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Ulla, yours is a compelling story.
Some suggestions:
I felt, rather than saw, that his small and narrow yet penetrating eyes followed me all the way as I ran down the steps,
I felt, rather than saw, that his small, narrow, penetrating eyes followed me as I ran down the steps,
He was doing this on his own, or, he had manipulated her when she was still alive.
Was he doing this on his own? Or had he manipulated her when she was alive?
"Ulla, your mother and I have drawn up a legal paper making sure that you will inherit us as if we'd given birth to you,"
"Ulla, your mother and I DREW up legal paperS TO MAKE sure that you will inherit FROM us as if we'd given birth to you,"
Nicole
Comment Written 28-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 29-Feb-2016
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Hi Nicole, How are you? Thanks a lot for a lovely review as usual. I've done a lot of edit to this as I was never quite happy with it. It reads better I think but still struggling to get it completely right. I have corrected the spelling mistakes, More is to come. All the best. Ulla:)))
Comment from Bryana
The laws are the same in the US, an adopted
child has as much right to an inheritance as
a natural child.
I don't think that lawyer had a heart, to choose
that moment to tell you about your inheritance
is heartless. I'm curious to know if you did anything
about it, I hope so...
Have a wonderful week dear friend.
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2016
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The laws are the same in the US, an adopted
child has as much right to an inheritance as
a natural child.
I don't think that lawyer had a heart, to choose
that moment to tell you about your inheritance
is heartless. I'm curious to know if you did anything
about it, I hope so...
Have a wonderful week dear friend.
Comment Written 28-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2016
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Thanks so much Bryana for the great review. All will be revealed. He, the lawyer, was a right piece of work. A good week to you as well. All the best. Ulla:)))
Comment from alexisleech
You can feel the clock ticking throughout this exciting chapter. The way you seperate the time line as a single statement helps to establish the urgency. Obviously, something is going on, and I hope you manage to get to the bottom of it before your plane leaves.
I'm by no means an expert when it comes to punctuation, but I've made a few suggestions below on the basis of what I would do. Hope they help!
Hugs from sunny France,
Alexis xxx
I'm leaving the chur[s]ch after the funeral
saying that he is my adoptive mother's lawyer, and as I was adopted before the end of 1954 I'm not to inherit anything.
suggest
saying that he is my adoptive mother's lawyer and, as I was adopted before the end of 1954, I'm not to inherit anything.
and wondered whether I'd understood him [OK] correctly.
all leaving from what was supposedly [to have been] a religious service
my adoptive mother could have seen in him(,) let alone the trust she'd apparently bestowed (on) him [with].
His small and narrow yet penetrating eyes followed me all the way as I ran down the steps (if he was behind you, you wouldn't be able to see his eyes watching you)
suggest
I just had to hope his small and narrow, yet penetrating eyes, followed me all the way as I ran down the steps, and it looked as though his comment hadn't fazed me at all.
when she was still alive[, and]. I [voted for] assumed it was the latter. Of that I was [now] certain.
[I turned away with a shrug and ran down the last steps.] This suggests you were looking at him over your shoulder as you went down the steps, which could be dangerous!
I realised [that] my lovely lunch had just gone out of the window.
I hurried [along the street, and when on] towards the main street, and when I reached it, I was lucky to hail a taxi right away. (gets rid of the repitition of the word 'street')
up a legal paper making sure that you will inherit (from) us as if we'd given birth to you,"
back to reality[,] when the taxi pulled up at
Four and half hour(s) until I had to
reason for being there as [brief] quickly as I could.
and [through] threw myself at the first taxi that came my way.
somewhat dishevelled appearance.
I suggest you use a different word because 'dishevelled' inplies some kind of physical trauma in the cab. How about 'flustered,' or similar?
"Can I help you [at all]?" she [said] asked.
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2016
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You can feel the clock ticking throughout this exciting chapter. The way you seperate the time line as a single statement helps to establish the urgency. Obviously, something is going on, and I hope you manage to get to the bottom of it before your plane leaves.
I'm by no means an expert when it comes to punctuation, but I've made a few suggestions below on the basis of what I would do. Hope they help!
Hugs from sunny France,
Alexis xxx
I'm leaving the chur[s]ch after the funeral
saying that he is my adoptive mother's lawyer, and as I was adopted before the end of 1954 I'm not to inherit anything.
suggest
saying that he is my adoptive mother's lawyer and, as I was adopted before the end of 1954, I'm not to inherit anything.
and wondered whether I'd understood him [OK] correctly.
all leaving from what was supposedly [to have been] a religious service
my adoptive mother could have seen in him(,) let alone the trust she'd apparently bestowed (on) him [with].
His small and narrow yet penetrating eyes followed me all the way as I ran down the steps (if he was behind you, you wouldn't be able to see his eyes watching you)
suggest
I just had to hope his small and narrow, yet penetrating eyes, followed me all the way as I ran down the steps, and it looked as though his comment hadn't fazed me at all.
when she was still alive[, and]. I [voted for] assumed it was the latter. Of that I was [now] certain.
[I turned away with a shrug and ran down the last steps.] This suggests you were looking at him over your shoulder as you went down the steps, which could be dangerous!
I realised [that] my lovely lunch had just gone out of the window.
I hurried [along the street, and when on] towards the main street, and when I reached it, I was lucky to hail a taxi right away. (gets rid of the repitition of the word 'street')
up a legal paper making sure that you will inherit (from) us as if we'd given birth to you,"
back to reality[,] when the taxi pulled up at
Four and half hour(s) until I had to
reason for being there as [brief] quickly as I could.
and [through] threw myself at the first taxi that came my way.
somewhat dishevelled appearance.
I suggest you use a different word because 'dishevelled' inplies some kind of physical trauma in the cab. How about 'flustered,' or similar?
"Can I help you [at all]?" she [said] asked.
Comment Written 28-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2016
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Thank you so much Alexis, I have done extensive edits to this, and have otherwise been very busy with the land. Pruning trees and turning over the land in preparation for the spring that is just around the corner. I'll answer your lovely email very soon. Hugs. Ullaxxx
Comment from Helen Bach
I'm loving reading this unfold in bite size pieces. You have my interest and enjoy your writing. I shall wait patiently for the next instalment.
Second paragraph 'church' has typo
Kindest regards Helen x
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2016
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I'm loving reading this unfold in bite size pieces. You have my interest and enjoy your writing. I shall wait patiently for the next instalment.
Second paragraph 'church' has typo
Kindest regards Helen x
Comment Written 28-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2016
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Hi Helen, thank you so much for this. I really do appreciate it and made the correction. All the best.Ulla x
Comment from jpduck
All very mysterious. I can't wait for the next instalment.
Typos/Spags. (Square brackets indicate suggested deletions, and asterisks, suggested insertions):
'what was supposed[ly] to have been a religious service'
'making sure that you will inherit *from* us as if we'd given birth to you'
'stated my reason for being there as brief*ly* as I could'
From Author Notes: 'I wouldn't inherit *from* my adoptive parents unless they had made other legal arrangements with the state.'
Adrian
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2016
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All very mysterious. I can't wait for the next instalment.
Typos/Spags. (Square brackets indicate suggested deletions, and asterisks, suggested insertions):
'what was supposed[ly] to have been a religious service'
'making sure that you will inherit *from* us as if we'd given birth to you'
'stated my reason for being there as brief*ly* as I could'
From Author Notes: 'I wouldn't inherit *from* my adoptive parents unless they had made other legal arrangements with the state.'
Adrian
Comment Written 28-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2016
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Hi Adrian, thank you so much, and I have made the corrections. Sorry about the late reply. All the best. Ulla
Comment from Pyrrho
Your prose flow and you present it with compelling pace. I like that in a writer. You seem interested. Some writers write as if their subject bores them to death. How can they expect their readers to follow them?
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2016
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Your prose flow and you present it with compelling pace. I like that in a writer. You seem interested. Some writers write as if their subject bores them to death. How can they expect their readers to follow them?
Comment Written 28-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2016
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Thanks a lot for this uplifting review. Yes, I do like what I'm writing. All the best. Ulla
Comment from giraffmang
Hi Ulla,
What an obnoxious creep, not to say unprofessional.
This is quite some life you have led, you can't make this stuff up! lol
Four and half hour - hours.
and through myself at the first taxi - threw.
The lady behind the desk looked at me with a bemused look - I would suggest bemused expression to eliminate the repetition of look.
All the best
G
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2016
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Hi Ulla,
What an obnoxious creep, not to say unprofessional.
This is quite some life you have led, you can't make this stuff up! lol
Four and half hour - hours.
and through myself at the first taxi - threw.
The lady behind the desk looked at me with a bemused look - I would suggest bemused expression to eliminate the repetition of look.
All the best
G
Comment Written 28-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2016
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Hi G, Thanks a lot for this and the help. Yes, I can't say I've had a boring life. I've made the edits and found more. I do edit a lot yet there are so obvious things that I keep missing. Thanks again. All the best. Ulla
Comment from DonandVicki
A very emotional travel for you and I have enjoyed following along on your true tale. This is made to be very readable with all the emotion that you put into it.
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2016
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A very emotional travel for you and I have enjoyed following along on your true tale. This is made to be very readable with all the emotion that you put into it.
Comment Written 27-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2016
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Thanks very much. Glad you are enjoying it. All the best. Ulla