Falling Off The Edge
Viewing comments for Chapter 2 "Falling Off The Edge - Part Two"A true story
46 total reviews
Comment from robyn corum
1.) how she regretted that she had ever adopted me. I could hear her calm voice when she said, "listen, you never know what you get,
--> I wish I could explain how much I REALLY dislike this woman.
2.) I stood watching as six men from the congregation(no comma) I didn't (recognise), <-- no 'd'
3.) since you were adopted in 1954 you are not eligible to get a single thing!"
--> oh, look... some thoughtful man is trying to nudge your adoptive mom out of the way for my disgust.... nice.
Ulla,
I am sooooo sorry that you had to bear these things -- BUT I know it's what's helped make you YOU. So, just know that I'm here - over the pond - cheering for you, wishing you joy and sending TONS of hugs!
reply by the author on 22-Feb-2016
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1.) how she regretted that she had ever adopted me. I could hear her calm voice when she said, "listen, you never know what you get,
--> I wish I could explain how much I REALLY dislike this woman.
2.) I stood watching as six men from the congregation(no comma) I didn't (recognise), <-- no 'd'
3.) since you were adopted in 1954 you are not eligible to get a single thing!"
--> oh, look... some thoughtful man is trying to nudge your adoptive mom out of the way for my disgust.... nice.
Ulla,
I am sooooo sorry that you had to bear these things -- BUT I know it's what's helped make you YOU. So, just know that I'm here - over the pond - cheering for you, wishing you joy and sending TONS of hugs!
Comment Written 19-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 22-Feb-2016
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Robyn, thank you so much. You are so sweet. I do appreciate you being there just across the pond. Yes, my adoptive mother was something else and so was her lawyer. You'll see. I have to say that I distanced myself from it all and I had and am having a wonderful life. Thanks ever so much again. More to follow. All the best. Ulla:)))
Comment from Jacqueline M Franklin
Hi, Ulla
= Oh, my! This is getting interesting.
= I came into your other story late, so I'm not familiar with the relationship between you and your adoptive mother.
= So sad to find out is was not good.
= Then to lose your adoptive father so many years prior, had to have been rough.
= I'm thoroughly engrossed in your story. Nicely written.
= Just some minor stuff to use or lose as you see fit. (*<*)
<> Upper case following a dialogue tag.
= she said, "[l](L)isten, you never know what you get, ... listen/Listen
= coffin while reciting, "[f](F)rom earth have you come and to ... from/From
<> Missing comma.
= you were adopted in 1954(,) you are not eligible to get a single thing!"
<> No comma.
- Since you are taking a breath as you stop and turn, it's more like one motion, so I would say no comma.
= I stopped in my track[,] and took a deep breath as I turned
<> Alternative ... to use commas, I'd write it this way.
= I stopped in my track, took a deep breath, and then turned around to look straight at him.
* Cheers & Blessings *
Keep Smilin'... Jackie <> Jax (*<*)
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2016
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Hi, Ulla
= Oh, my! This is getting interesting.
= I came into your other story late, so I'm not familiar with the relationship between you and your adoptive mother.
= So sad to find out is was not good.
= Then to lose your adoptive father so many years prior, had to have been rough.
= I'm thoroughly engrossed in your story. Nicely written.
= Just some minor stuff to use or lose as you see fit. (*<*)
<> Upper case following a dialogue tag.
= she said, "[l](L)isten, you never know what you get, ... listen/Listen
= coffin while reciting, "[f](F)rom earth have you come and to ... from/From
<> Missing comma.
= you were adopted in 1954(,) you are not eligible to get a single thing!"
<> No comma.
- Since you are taking a breath as you stop and turn, it's more like one motion, so I would say no comma.
= I stopped in my track[,] and took a deep breath as I turned
<> Alternative ... to use commas, I'd write it this way.
= I stopped in my track, took a deep breath, and then turned around to look straight at him.
* Cheers & Blessings *
Keep Smilin'... Jackie <> Jax (*<*)
Comment Written 19-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2016
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Hi Jax, how guilty I feel to reply this late. Don't know what happened here. Please do forgive me. I read it ages ago and made the corrections then. As always I so appreciate your feed back. All the best. Ulla:)))
Comment from alexisleech
I take it that the fact you used an explanation mark at the end of your adoptive mother's lawyer's statement, that he derived some satisfaction from what he said to you. I just hope your response is just as cutting! To assume you were only there in the hope of getting some financial gain is very presumptuous. Having said that, he was probably used to greedy relations turning up at funerals, so I wouldn't take it too personally. As my late husband used to say. 'There are three sides to every story - yours, mine, and the truth.' If he had only heard your mother's version, I wouldn't doubt he was dubious about your intentions. The laugh is, it probably cost you a small fortune having to travel at such short notice!
Based only on the way I write (which is in no way always correct!) I've made a few suggestions below. I can't wait to read on!
Love, Alexis xxx
tell-tale white collar that resembled a clowns collar.
suggest
tell-tale white collar that resembled that of a clowns. (gets rid of the repetition of the word 'collar'
she looked straight at me(,) although her look was somewhat impassive.
I had been denied (acknowledgement) a long time ago.
[I] My mind faded out [not capable to listen] because I couldn't bear to listen to the nonsense she was saying(,) and my thoughts began to wonder.
my thoughts [wandered] travelled back to a time of late nights when my (gets rid of the repetition of 'wander)
(and) made me feel as if (I was) suffocating.
My adoptive father(,) who I'd loved very much(,) had been dead for several years(,) so no help
Once it had finished(,) the vicar was back
She soon arrived [to] at the part where she
[And in that instance] At that moment I knew why I had come.
reply by the author on 22-Feb-2016
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I take it that the fact you used an explanation mark at the end of your adoptive mother's lawyer's statement, that he derived some satisfaction from what he said to you. I just hope your response is just as cutting! To assume you were only there in the hope of getting some financial gain is very presumptuous. Having said that, he was probably used to greedy relations turning up at funerals, so I wouldn't take it too personally. As my late husband used to say. 'There are three sides to every story - yours, mine, and the truth.' If he had only heard your mother's version, I wouldn't doubt he was dubious about your intentions. The laugh is, it probably cost you a small fortune having to travel at such short notice!
Based only on the way I write (which is in no way always correct!) I've made a few suggestions below. I can't wait to read on!
Love, Alexis xxx
tell-tale white collar that resembled a clowns collar.
suggest
tell-tale white collar that resembled that of a clowns. (gets rid of the repetition of the word 'collar'
she looked straight at me(,) although her look was somewhat impassive.
I had been denied (acknowledgement) a long time ago.
[I] My mind faded out [not capable to listen] because I couldn't bear to listen to the nonsense she was saying(,) and my thoughts began to wonder.
my thoughts [wandered] travelled back to a time of late nights when my (gets rid of the repetition of 'wander)
(and) made me feel as if (I was) suffocating.
My adoptive father(,) who I'd loved very much(,) had been dead for several years(,) so no help
Once it had finished(,) the vicar was back
She soon arrived [to] at the part where she
[And in that instance] At that moment I knew why I had come.
Comment Written 19-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 22-Feb-2016
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Hi Alexis, thanks as always for a thorough review and helpful as well. I have made corections and think it reads better now. The next chater of the Quest is now released. Hope you are still on target with the B&B. I'm looking forward to read your continuation of recent events. Will send you message soon. Love Ulla xxx
Comment from giraffmang
Hi Ulla,
A good continuation of this piece. I had to adjust to the relationship aspect of this as I had got used to your other biographical piece. but that's just me.
Good strong piece again.
G
reply by the author on 22-Feb-2016
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Hi Ulla,
A good continuation of this piece. I had to adjust to the relationship aspect of this as I had got used to your other biographical piece. but that's just me.
Good strong piece again.
G
Comment Written 19-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 22-Feb-2016
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Hi G, Thanks a lot. Much appreciated. All the best. Ulla
Comment from jpduck
This must have been such an ordeal for you, Ulla. I loved the way you structured your piece, with the flash-back in the middle which brought the rest into clarity. I was also very struck by the enigmatic ending with its insultingly rude lawyer. I look forward to reading what it was you abruptly realised at that point.
Typos/SPAGs. (Square brackets indicate suggested deletions, and asterisks, suggested insertions):
'I faded out not [cap]able to listen to the nonsense'
'and I see some traits in you that [is] *are* all your own, but which [defies] *defy* everything I've ever believed in' (The subject of both 'is' and 'defies' is traits {plural}).
'She soon arrived [to] *at* the part where she threw the earth on the coffin[t] while reciting,' (Also insert space after 'reciting,').
'It must have been hiding [to] *at* the side of the church'
Adrian
reply by the author on 22-Feb-2016
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This must have been such an ordeal for you, Ulla. I loved the way you structured your piece, with the flash-back in the middle which brought the rest into clarity. I was also very struck by the enigmatic ending with its insultingly rude lawyer. I look forward to reading what it was you abruptly realised at that point.
Typos/SPAGs. (Square brackets indicate suggested deletions, and asterisks, suggested insertions):
'I faded out not [cap]able to listen to the nonsense'
'and I see some traits in you that [is] *are* all your own, but which [defies] *defy* everything I've ever believed in' (The subject of both 'is' and 'defies' is traits {plural}).
'She soon arrived [to] *at* the part where she threw the earth on the coffin[t] while reciting,' (Also insert space after 'reciting,').
'It must have been hiding [to] *at* the side of the church'
Adrian
Comment Written 19-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 22-Feb-2016
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Adrian, thanks a lot, and sorry for the delay in answering. I made the corrections when I read your review. I always appreciate your great help. All the best. Ulla.
Comment from BruceMiller
I found this to be an interesting read. It held me right from the start. Also, it's refreshing to read something written by an author the has a good knowledge of punctuation. I'll look out for your next installment.
reply by the author on 22-Feb-2016
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I found this to be an interesting read. It held me right from the start. Also, it's refreshing to read something written by an author the has a good knowledge of punctuation. I'll look out for your next installment.
Comment Written 19-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 22-Feb-2016
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Thanks a lot and much appreciated. More to follow soon. All the best. Ulla
Comment from amahra
I now a little of what you felt. I was given to my grandmother to raise and she let me know that she didn't love me. So I can imagine how you felt about your adopted mother. And the lawyer? How cruel was that? Great chapter, my dear.
reply by the author on 22-Feb-2016
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I now a little of what you felt. I was given to my grandmother to raise and she let me know that she didn't love me. So I can imagine how you felt about your adopted mother. And the lawyer? How cruel was that? Great chapter, my dear.
Comment Written 19-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 22-Feb-2016
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Amahra, thank you so much for this review. Yes, he was something else, just like my adoptive mother. I am so sorry to hear your about your own bad experience. At the time it hurts so much. All the best. Ulla
Comment from Nika2016
It is a very good narration of what took place and the reader feels the writer's pain, even through the laughter. I am so glad you have found your real mother. I look forward to the next chapter. Why would a lawyer want to taunt you following a death? Terrible.
reply by the author on 22-Feb-2016
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It is a very good narration of what took place and the reader feels the writer's pain, even through the laughter. I am so glad you have found your real mother. I look forward to the next chapter. Why would a lawyer want to taunt you following a death? Terrible.
Comment Written 19-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 22-Feb-2016
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Thank you so much for your great review. Oh, you will be surprised what he wanted to do.More to follow soon. All the best. Ulla
Comment from Ricky1024
falling off the edges of well-written he still with dimension jective content as well as add jective content semen imagery in on that scale of 1 to 100 I give it a 104 out
reply by the author on 22-Feb-2016
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falling off the edges of well-written he still with dimension jective content as well as add jective content semen imagery in on that scale of 1 to 100 I give it a 104 out
Comment Written 19-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 22-Feb-2016
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Thank you so much Ricky. Much appreciated. All best. Ulla
Comment from MelB
I could barely breath. - breathe
on the coffint while reciting - extra t on coffin
Hi Ulla, another great chapter. I can't believe the gall of this lawyer who felt the need to tell you that at her funeral. How completely insensitive, but I guess many lawyers are not known for that. I can't imagine why she would be so cruel as to say she was sorry she adopted you. That is a terrible thing to say to an adopted child who already feels abandoned and rejected by the birth mother.
reply by the author on 22-Feb-2016
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I could barely breath. - breathe
on the coffint while reciting - extra t on coffin
Hi Ulla, another great chapter. I can't believe the gall of this lawyer who felt the need to tell you that at her funeral. How completely insensitive, but I guess many lawyers are not known for that. I can't imagine why she would be so cruel as to say she was sorry she adopted you. That is a terrible thing to say to an adopted child who already feels abandoned and rejected by the birth mother.
Comment Written 19-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 22-Feb-2016
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Hi Mel, thanks a lot for this and I corrected the minute I saw it. Yeah, he was something else. How bad is still to be shown. More to follow. All the best. Ulla