Already Gone
haibun34 total reviews
Comment from Donald O. Cassidy
Your creation deals with a stark contrast of betrayed vows, calloused attitudes toward a lover, now a blessing in lives so different they don't belong together.
This poem is loaded with figures of speech, as in the contrast of rancid cologne, the very opposite of what was once fragrance.
Well done.
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2014
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Your creation deals with a stark contrast of betrayed vows, calloused attitudes toward a lover, now a blessing in lives so different they don't belong together.
This poem is loaded with figures of speech, as in the contrast of rancid cologne, the very opposite of what was once fragrance.
Well done.
Comment Written 21-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2014
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Women tend to store moments and try to anchor themselves to happy times, but if I were to write this from the man's POV, it would likely be more pragmatic, dealing with the reality of what the relationship had become. Thanks.
Comment from DALLAS01
Broken promises flushed away. Rusting razor, rancid cologne, dried out stick of deodorant, it's all that's left.
Remote control, I bathe, I eat and sometimes sleep, ignoring the remnants of intimacy. In every corner of this house, shadows of our life together gather dust, remain untouched
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Been here and felt this too. Love the example of residue, exaggerating the loss.
An awesome haiku. You might even grow to like the form.
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2014
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Broken promises flushed away. Rusting razor, rancid cologne, dried out stick of deodorant, it's all that's left.
Remote control, I bathe, I eat and sometimes sleep, ignoring the remnants of intimacy. In every corner of this house, shadows of our life together gather dust, remain untouched
.
Been here and felt this too. Love the example of residue, exaggerating the loss.
An awesome haiku. You might even grow to like the form.
Comment Written 21-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2014
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I do like haiku, but I like it as part of something which is why haibun intrigues me.
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Haibun is my favorite.
Comment from Cumbrianlass
Those things you mention are the things that hurt to most to chuck out. Toiletries are so personal to the person - more so than clothes, I think.
Great study of emotional upheaval and the breakdown of a relationship.
Well done, Ingrid.
Av
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2014
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Those things you mention are the things that hurt to most to chuck out. Toiletries are so personal to the person - more so than clothes, I think.
Great study of emotional upheaval and the breakdown of a relationship.
Well done, Ingrid.
Av
Comment Written 21-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2014
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It's pretty darn sad when I have to respond to a stale prompt in order to distract myself. thanks.
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Don't be sad. I'm making chicken. :)
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Cool!
Comment from humpwhistle
Nice choice to write a hiabun for this surprisingly
interesting and versatile prompt.
I like your prose very much.
Two things: 'not necessary or needed' is straight redundant--a haibun no-no.
Also, the title is one of the haibun's three legs,
and it's considered bad form to repeat 'already gone' in the prose section.
'yesterday is dead' clangs for me. Like a hammer on an anvil.
Just an opinion.
Best of luck, Ingrid.
Peace, Lee
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2014
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Nice choice to write a hiabun for this surprisingly
interesting and versatile prompt.
I like your prose very much.
Two things: 'not necessary or needed' is straight redundant--a haibun no-no.
Also, the title is one of the haibun's three legs,
and it's considered bad form to repeat 'already gone' in the prose section.
'yesterday is dead' clangs for me. Like a hammer on an anvil.
Just an opinion.
Best of luck, Ingrid.
Peace, Lee
Comment Written 21-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2014
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I'm stuck with the title due to the prompt rules, but I appreciate the tips and will remove the redundancy. Thanks.
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There's nothing wrong with the title. It's repeating the words in prose that's the problem. Just sayin'. L
Comment from Domino 2
For your sake, I hope this is 'fiction', as categorised, though your words seem so real, I'm not sure.
Excellent heart-felt words of regret, plus a very powerful haiku.
Top writing.
A deserved contender for sure.
Best wishes, Ray xx
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2014
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For your sake, I hope this is 'fiction', as categorised, though your words seem so real, I'm not sure.
Excellent heart-felt words of regret, plus a very powerful haiku.
Top writing.
A deserved contender for sure.
Best wishes, Ray xx
Comment Written 21-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2014
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Thanks, Ray. The actual circumstances are not real, but I am very familiar with loss. Using emotions that a writer has lived makes all writing resonate. Thanks.
Comment from drivenbackward
Ouch! I could feel the emotional pain. Is this based on your reality? If so, my apologies. If not, you got into the character extremely well.
blazing autumn leaves
crimson passion exhausted
yesterday is dead -- Move this up one spot. Otherwise, it's tough to tell if it's part of the story or notes.
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2014
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Ouch! I could feel the emotional pain. Is this based on your reality? If so, my apologies. If not, you got into the character extremely well.
blazing autumn leaves
crimson passion exhausted
yesterday is dead -- Move this up one spot. Otherwise, it's tough to tell if it's part of the story or notes.
Comment Written 21-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2014
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You're right, but then it doesn't qualify as a 5-7-5. It would be better, but, I'm stuck on format.
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Sorry. I just meant the spacing.
Comment from GWHARGIS
My goodness, I felt the sting of this. You managed to set it up so well, I felt like I needed to have a glass of wie to setle down, and it's only eight-thirty in the morning. Loved the haiku, but the prose was outstanding. Geat job. Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2014
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My goodness, I felt the sting of this. You managed to set it up so well, I felt like I needed to have a glass of wie to setle down, and it's only eight-thirty in the morning. Loved the haiku, but the prose was outstanding. Geat job. Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 21-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2014
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Thanks so much--especially for those stars. If we've lived an emotion, we can drop it into any situation, and unfortunately I've lived loss.
Comment from NurseBarb
Your story is interesting and kept my full attention and I really enjoyed it. I love the haiku at the end in which it was an added touch. Your story is sad and well written. Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2014
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Your story is interesting and kept my full attention and I really enjoyed it. I love the haiku at the end in which it was an added touch. Your story is sad and well written. Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 21-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2014
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Thanks very much.
Comment from gypsycaravan
Even though I could relate much too well with this piece and many more memories brought back to the forefront after reading it, I applaud the writing. So very well done.
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2014
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Even though I could relate much too well with this piece and many more memories brought back to the forefront after reading it, I applaud the writing. So very well done.
Comment Written 21-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2014
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Thank you. If you've lived loss, you'll feel the pain. It gets stored and we can drag it out and gift our characters with the memories we store.
Comment from Jay Squires
Good choice of prompt, Ingrid. I like what you did with the little chunks of facts in the first line -- short jabs of emotion triggers.
Then you build from his leaving: the feeling you are an automaton living with his memories all around you.
Then the kicker of the last two paragraphs:
Out of a place of total vulnerability, you beg him to try again.
And he shoves any vestige of pride you left yourself down your throat with his parting words:
"I'm already gone."
A very discerning, incisive vignette, for which I have no more 6's, unfortunately.
But, worthy.
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2014
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Good choice of prompt, Ingrid. I like what you did with the little chunks of facts in the first line -- short jabs of emotion triggers.
Then you build from his leaving: the feeling you are an automaton living with his memories all around you.
Then the kicker of the last two paragraphs:
Out of a place of total vulnerability, you beg him to try again.
And he shoves any vestige of pride you left yourself down your throat with his parting words:
"I'm already gone."
A very discerning, incisive vignette, for which I have no more 6's, unfortunately.
But, worthy.
Comment Written 21-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2014
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Thank you very much for your kind words.