Comment from Sheik S. Peer

Average

Surfacing out of his three hour sleep (three-hour)

"The Captain said after lunch we'll be there"
( "The Captain said we'll be there after lunch."

"Lunch? What happened to breakfast?
"Lunch, what happened to breakfast?"
Touch downs still a couple (Touch down is still...)
politely requested the male passenger in first class seats 12A.
(delete politely, if he said please, we know he's polite)

Mccail continued to take everything that he could, including the little pillow that he clutches like a Teddy bear as they now disembark.

tense lapse in above sentence clutches should be clutched...
I've pointed out a few, but there is too may errors throughout to rate this anything more than three
If you work on the sentence structure you might have an interesting story. I did not find the characters interesing, in fact almost annoying.


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 Comment Written 25-Mar-2005