Steve's Story-Poems
Viewing comments for Chapter 8 "The Coat-Tail Ghost"A collection of my poems
54 total reviews
Comment from xxjsfuncxxxity
After reading your somewhat less-than-rave review, I decided to stop by and see from whence it sprung. Must admit I was hoping to find more of the same old FS crappy poetry and say so in no uncertain terms, but was mildly surprised that you actually write quite well.
That being said, I'll happily give you the kind of rating your work deserves here - more, I might add, than you were willing to do for mine.
cheers
js
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2012
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After reading your somewhat less-than-rave review, I decided to stop by and see from whence it sprung. Must admit I was hoping to find more of the same old FS crappy poetry and say so in no uncertain terms, but was mildly surprised that you actually write quite well.
That being said, I'll happily give you the kind of rating your work deserves here - more, I might add, than you were willing to do for mine.
cheers
js
Comment Written 29-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2012
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I'll take the reluctant praise - thank you.
I hope I made it clear that my less than rave review was due to misunderstanding of your intention - your sub-title led me to believe it was a lterary short story and I rated it accordingly. I didn't notice the bio/NF category - mea culpa
I see you have now added an explanatory note which helps
Steve
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Thanks for the amended rating, my friend. Don't know why I even give a shit, since the ratings here are obviously meaningless. Guess it's just my addictive personality LOL.
cheers
js
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Yes, I read the discussion on your profile page - I guess you have to sort out the wheat from the chaff - I have just received a four-star from Rama Devi which is more constructive and means more to me than all the carelessly tossed five and six stars from others...
Not really a site where serious writers will be 100% happy, but it does serve a purpose in encouraging and exposing...
Steve
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I get your point and wholly agree. Cheers!
Comment from sunnilicious
Scary long poem that I pray does not actually transpire, but still had to read it. This is a meticulously thought out narrative. Well-written. Great use of adjectives. Excellent work.
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2012
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Scary long poem that I pray does not actually transpire, but still had to read it. This is a meticulously thought out narrative. Well-written. Great use of adjectives. Excellent work.
Comment Written 29-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2012
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Thanks, sunni, for the kind review and rating
Steve
Comment from Jane Johnson
Oh that is soooooo cute! I loved it and if I had a six to give you, I would. I really enjoyed reading it. Everything was perfect, especially the punch line. Thanks so much for sharing!
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2012
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Oh that is soooooo cute! I loved it and if I had a six to give you, I would. I really enjoyed reading it. Everything was perfect, especially the punch line. Thanks so much for sharing!
Comment Written 28-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2012
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Thanks, Jane, for the nice review and virtual six. Glad you enjoyed.
Steve
Comment from fictionwriter
What a marvelous little story. I loved every minute of it, and I could see it really happening to one of the poor boys. I bet he was shocked when he found out the truth. Great work.
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2012
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What a marvelous little story. I loved every minute of it, and I could see it really happening to one of the poor boys. I bet he was shocked when he found out the truth. Great work.
Comment Written 28-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2012
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Thank you and for the six stars especially.
My father always swore it was true about the raincoat - I just added the bit about the ghost...
Steve
Comment from Titanx9
A scary tale at best, but you've got some very good rhyming and rhythm going on to tell this involved story. I like your choice of words to tell this spine tingling tale. Great job!
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2012
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A scary tale at best, but you've got some very good rhyming and rhythm going on to tell this involved story. I like your choice of words to tell this spine tingling tale. Great job!
Comment Written 28-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2012
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Thanks for the kind review and rating.
Steve
Comment from Sarahdanic
Your poem was humerous but haunting, which was really nice to see combined together. While your poem did ryme the flow was a bit rough. I felt like I had to read a few parts over and over again to comprehend them, which made it seem as if the poem was dragging. If you felt like editing it you may want to try and smooth it out to make it easier on the reader. A few corrections could be made but it was a great story!
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2012
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Your poem was humerous but haunting, which was really nice to see combined together. While your poem did ryme the flow was a bit rough. I felt like I had to read a few parts over and over again to comprehend them, which made it seem as if the poem was dragging. If you felt like editing it you may want to try and smooth it out to make it easier on the reader. A few corrections could be made but it was a great story!
Comment Written 28-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2012
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Thanks, Sarah.
Steve
Comment from jackpeg
Had me going all the way to the end. Great story, Kiwi. Good meter, wonderful story line, chilling suspense. Reminds me of the first posting of yours I ever ran across--about the two cobbers talking in a bar about hard times, and one of them turns out to have been a ghost. Good luck to you in the contest.
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2012
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Had me going all the way to the end. Great story, Kiwi. Good meter, wonderful story line, chilling suspense. Reminds me of the first posting of yours I ever ran across--about the two cobbers talking in a bar about hard times, and one of them turns out to have been a ghost. Good luck to you in the contest.
Comment Written 28-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2012
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Thank you. Perhaps I should make a habit of writing ghost stories. Tough competition and I'm not holding my breath for a win...
Steve
Comment from RaymondJohn
Absolutely delightful from beginning to end. I really like the narrator's voice, and nailing one's own coat to the floor is the perfect ending. You tell the tale with great style, really creating tension all the way along. Outstanding write in every way. Ray.
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2012
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Absolutely delightful from beginning to end. I really like the narrator's voice, and nailing one's own coat to the floor is the perfect ending. You tell the tale with great style, really creating tension all the way along. Outstanding write in every way. Ray.
Comment Written 28-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2012
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Ray, thank you for the great review and the six stars - much appreciated. Yes, I tried to give the 'narrator' some character in his voice - glad you picled up on iy.
Steve
Comment from rama devi
Fantastic entry! i think this should win (after fine tuning)...it is quite a remarkable tale and well told with well developed style, superb rhyming and good pacing (for the most part). Some very clever, amusing and memorable lines. I like the modern references such as:
Come closer to the campfire
And turn off them mobile phones!
A life without your Facebook friends
Ain't really sumpin' fearful.
***Good descriptive stanza:
Our torch-lights played o'er the drunken stones
Where the dead lay eternally sleeping,
And the rain tumbled down in torrents
As if God himself was a-weeping.
Overall, you have a GREAT storytelling tone and style, with superb use of diction to enhance characterization and plot --especially in this section, vividly portrayed:
You kids wouldn't know about terror,
How it melts all your bones to a mush;
The tremblin' hands and the chatterin' teeth,
Stark fear that comes in a rush.
But I tell you, that night I felt terror,
As sure as I'm talkin' to you,
For I knew in the dark church lay waiting
The ghost of the mad Dan Carew.
For a moment I thought he had found me
And I gave out a sort of a howl.
With a whoosh and a flash it flew past me-
'Twas just a harmless old owl.
The old door creaked noisily open,
I came back to my senses again;
I took a few steps t'ward the altar.
At least I was out of that rain.
Then I knelt at the front, by the prayer rail
Where thousands had pleaded their plight,
But I doubt that their prayers were as urgent
As the one that I muttered that night.
The torch I laid down as I hammered
Cast shadows of fear round the room
And I knew as I stood to start fleeing
That I'd hammered the way to my doom.
For a great ghostly hand from the darkness
Gave my coat-tails a bit of a tweak.
Though I struggled and fought, he held tighter,
Till I let out an almighty shriek.
I could smell Dan Carew at my shoulder,
I could feel his foul breath at my throat,
And I couldn't abide to be eaten
So I tore loose his grip on my coat.
LOTS of great rhyme pairs, too--original and inventive.
A few tiny nits and questions or suggestions--as i strongly feel this has potential to win the contest and deserves to be fully polished (perhaps for future publishing?):
*
A few lines seemed slightly out of rhythm when read aloud (in context of their respective stanzas)...please read them aloud to double check the flow(it might be a matter of diction):
A shiver of dread ran down my spine
Like those famous Moose-keteers.
And my heart gave a kind of a lurch.
*This day, we're sittin' feelin bored
Wi' nowt much else to do,
When Tommy spun this frightful yarn
About the ghost of Dan Carew.
THIS DAY is present tense, but SPUN (line three) is PAST. Maybe try:
This day, we're sittin' feelin bored
Wi' nowt much else to do,
When Tommy spins this frightful yarn
About the ghost of Dan Carew.
SPINS shares a nice assonance and consonance with sittin', too.
*
But to Tommy and Len I turned a bold face
And I showed not a quiver of fear.
Suggest trimming off the second pronoun--not required and makes it choppy.
And my heart gave a kind of a lurch.
But to Tommy and Len I turned a bold face
And showed not a quiver of fear.
*Our torch-lights played o'er the drunken stones
not sure you need a hyphen there.
torchlights
*typo at the end-
'It's time,' whispered Tom, and he thrust in my hand
A hammer and a six-inch nail.
'At the altar's foot you must mark the spot,
So we know that you did not fail.(')
*Two ANDS in a row here:
And I told how the ghost had clung to me
And his plans I'd be one of his meals.
Consider an alternative:
And I told how the ghost had clung to me
with his plans I'd be one of his meals.
*
As we checked out the nail that I'd driven,
Then the answer was quite plain to see.
The word THEN sounds odd and forced as if used just to keep the meter. Here's an alternative to consider:
As we checked out the nail that I'd driven,
the clear answer was quite plain to see.
Now(,) the God-fearin' folk of that county,
They still give a bit of a roar,(no comma)
The unnecessary use of the pronoun THEY sounds odd and forced as if used just to keep the meter. Here's an alternative to consider:
Now, the God-fearin' folk of that county
will still give a bit of a roar
Much enjoyed your impressive creativity. The well expressed colloquial diction enhances the storytelling tone wonderfully well.
Best of luck in the contest!
Warmly, rd
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2012
|
Fantastic entry! i think this should win (after fine tuning)...it is quite a remarkable tale and well told with well developed style, superb rhyming and good pacing (for the most part). Some very clever, amusing and memorable lines. I like the modern references such as:
Come closer to the campfire
And turn off them mobile phones!
A life without your Facebook friends
Ain't really sumpin' fearful.
***Good descriptive stanza:
Our torch-lights played o'er the drunken stones
Where the dead lay eternally sleeping,
And the rain tumbled down in torrents
As if God himself was a-weeping.
Overall, you have a GREAT storytelling tone and style, with superb use of diction to enhance characterization and plot --especially in this section, vividly portrayed:
You kids wouldn't know about terror,
How it melts all your bones to a mush;
The tremblin' hands and the chatterin' teeth,
Stark fear that comes in a rush.
But I tell you, that night I felt terror,
As sure as I'm talkin' to you,
For I knew in the dark church lay waiting
The ghost of the mad Dan Carew.
For a moment I thought he had found me
And I gave out a sort of a howl.
With a whoosh and a flash it flew past me-
'Twas just a harmless old owl.
The old door creaked noisily open,
I came back to my senses again;
I took a few steps t'ward the altar.
At least I was out of that rain.
Then I knelt at the front, by the prayer rail
Where thousands had pleaded their plight,
But I doubt that their prayers were as urgent
As the one that I muttered that night.
The torch I laid down as I hammered
Cast shadows of fear round the room
And I knew as I stood to start fleeing
That I'd hammered the way to my doom.
For a great ghostly hand from the darkness
Gave my coat-tails a bit of a tweak.
Though I struggled and fought, he held tighter,
Till I let out an almighty shriek.
I could smell Dan Carew at my shoulder,
I could feel his foul breath at my throat,
And I couldn't abide to be eaten
So I tore loose his grip on my coat.
LOTS of great rhyme pairs, too--original and inventive.
A few tiny nits and questions or suggestions--as i strongly feel this has potential to win the contest and deserves to be fully polished (perhaps for future publishing?):
*
A few lines seemed slightly out of rhythm when read aloud (in context of their respective stanzas)...please read them aloud to double check the flow(it might be a matter of diction):
A shiver of dread ran down my spine
Like those famous Moose-keteers.
And my heart gave a kind of a lurch.
*This day, we're sittin' feelin bored
Wi' nowt much else to do,
When Tommy spun this frightful yarn
About the ghost of Dan Carew.
THIS DAY is present tense, but SPUN (line three) is PAST. Maybe try:
This day, we're sittin' feelin bored
Wi' nowt much else to do,
When Tommy spins this frightful yarn
About the ghost of Dan Carew.
SPINS shares a nice assonance and consonance with sittin', too.
*
But to Tommy and Len I turned a bold face
And I showed not a quiver of fear.
Suggest trimming off the second pronoun--not required and makes it choppy.
And my heart gave a kind of a lurch.
But to Tommy and Len I turned a bold face
And showed not a quiver of fear.
*Our torch-lights played o'er the drunken stones
not sure you need a hyphen there.
torchlights
*typo at the end-
'It's time,' whispered Tom, and he thrust in my hand
A hammer and a six-inch nail.
'At the altar's foot you must mark the spot,
So we know that you did not fail.(')
*Two ANDS in a row here:
And I told how the ghost had clung to me
And his plans I'd be one of his meals.
Consider an alternative:
And I told how the ghost had clung to me
with his plans I'd be one of his meals.
*
As we checked out the nail that I'd driven,
Then the answer was quite plain to see.
The word THEN sounds odd and forced as if used just to keep the meter. Here's an alternative to consider:
As we checked out the nail that I'd driven,
the clear answer was quite plain to see.
Now(,) the God-fearin' folk of that county,
They still give a bit of a roar,(no comma)
The unnecessary use of the pronoun THEY sounds odd and forced as if used just to keep the meter. Here's an alternative to consider:
Now, the God-fearin' folk of that county
will still give a bit of a roar
Much enjoyed your impressive creativity. The well expressed colloquial diction enhances the storytelling tone wonderfully well.
Best of luck in the contest!
Warmly, rd
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 28-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2012
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Rama, thank you so much for the highly detailed review and the keen eye. I have saved your comments so I can go through them at leisure later.
I think you are right about the diction - I know the syllable count is iff in places, but when I read it aloud (I have tried it on a couple of people) it flows OK and I didn't want it to be clockwork regular - a little roughness suits the character. However, I shall certainly have a close look at the lines you have picked out.
A couple of good pickups on typos and other bits and pieces that need mending.
Thanks again - I am a lazy editor and need a jab or two to get me back to a piece after it's submitted.
Steve
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Thanks for your kind and gracious response to my review dear Steve. Blessings and Smiles, rd
Comment from cvcopac
Another tall tale but this one's about a tail--coat tail. It's not ballad meter but reads like one and held my interest throughout the story. Nice quatrains and easy natural lines no forced rhymes and all rhymes were true. (with the exception of again and rain, which is technically correct--maybe in Australia is pronounced that way) The name, Dan Carew brought to my mind another delightful tale of old, about a Dan, something like, Carew--Mc or something, but this poem is much more clever and has a funny and pleasant ending.
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2012
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Another tall tale but this one's about a tail--coat tail. It's not ballad meter but reads like one and held my interest throughout the story. Nice quatrains and easy natural lines no forced rhymes and all rhymes were true. (with the exception of again and rain, which is technically correct--maybe in Australia is pronounced that way) The name, Dan Carew brought to my mind another delightful tale of old, about a Dan, something like, Carew--Mc or something, but this poem is much more clever and has a funny and pleasant ending.
Comment Written 28-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2012
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Thank you. Dan Carew wasn't in my father's original story which focused on the raincoat, and which he swore was true - I popped him in the poem as Len.
The name Dan Carew came out of thin air so it is more than possible it came from a subconscious memory - now you've started me thinking I am recalling a Robert Service piece, Dangerous Dan McGrew - just checked it 'The Shooting of Dan McGrew' - don't recall ever reading it before although I know a few of his poems, but the name rang a bell.
In my mind 'again' is one of those clever words that can rhyme either with 'pen' or 'pain' depending on which you need....
Thanks agen for the kind comments.
Steve
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Yes, I remember now, Robert Service. I read his poetry many moons ago.