Mike Radshaw and the Black Dawn
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "The Demon of Death - BD1"The grim reaper casts his pall over London
32 total reviews
Comment from djsaxon
back again for another read. Your command of the language is way past great. Only one crit. Your similes are excellent, but you use them too often. I tried to rationalise the usage as a part of the RADSHAW character's demeanour, but ultimately, it didn't work. They wind up being 'roadblocks' to the otherwise escellent through line. Just one man's opinion, and dammit. you so should be published.
Cheers - J
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2011
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back again for another read. Your command of the language is way past great. Only one crit. Your similes are excellent, but you use them too often. I tried to rationalise the usage as a part of the RADSHAW character's demeanour, but ultimately, it didn't work. They wind up being 'roadblocks' to the otherwise escellent through line. Just one man's opinion, and dammit. you so should be published.
Cheers - J
Comment Written 08-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2011
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Cheers, DJ :-). I'm working on the 'published' bit. I'm glad you enjoyed this so much - I'm just working on the 3rd part now so I thought it was a good time to re-promote the first two.
Mike
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more than welcome, Mike
Comment from Deejharrington
I certainly hope it is continued! You can't leave us with you alone protecting the angel's child. It was a very well written story with such vivid imagery and scary scenes. I hope to read the conclusion soon.
deb
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2011
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I certainly hope it is continued! You can't leave us with you alone protecting the angel's child. It was a very well written story with such vivid imagery and scary scenes. I hope to read the conclusion soon.
deb
Comment Written 09-Jul-2011
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2011
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Thank you, Deb :-). I will be getting on with part 2. As so often happens with me, the story ran away with itself! I'm really glad you enjoyed it.
Mike
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You're very welcome
deb
Comment from kiwigirl2821
oooooooohhhhh a new word "sepulchral" love that!
You can write in any language style you choose and it would be a stellar story Mike. I love how you use vocabulary to excite your readers into participating in your story with you. I enjoyed this one so much. You are an amazing writer. So good my friend. xoxo Kiwi
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2011
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oooooooohhhhh a new word "sepulchral" love that!
You can write in any language style you choose and it would be a stellar story Mike. I love how you use vocabulary to excite your readers into participating in your story with you. I enjoyed this one so much. You are an amazing writer. So good my friend. xoxo Kiwi
Comment Written 08-Jul-2011
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2011
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Thank you, my dear :-). This is the character I return to when the jokes are filling up my head! I had a lot of fun with this one.
Mike
Comment from Rasp E
Radshaw's an interesting name.
"That'll be the hangover" - LOL!
:gasps for air: Whole paragraph is hilarious. the last sentence I'm not so sure about...to me that's getting outside the character's head and into yours. That sounded very like a writer criticizing himself more than anything. Plus swapping it out gives you a chance to foreshadow a bit and put a little shape to this opening segment. I enjoyed it, but I didn't have a place to anchor and determine why he's really there. The flippant tone gets serious in a heartbeat - really serious, but I don't see what motivated him to go there in the first place. Radshaw expresses his own disbelief, and lets us know he did, in fact, go there deliberately. He tells us a lot of things, besides why he's there. Was it for fun and it got real, was it an investigation, has he another reason to fear? I don't think a little shade of a hint would really spoil what's to come. Plus it's unusual to not know a character's motivation with first person POV. I know we get all of that later...but starting out with his initial notion that a 'colleague' is tailing him wouldn't be so bad. There are plenty of clues that something deeper is happening: the baby, the fact that Radshaw takes the gypsy's warning so very seriously, etc. - especially when he starts out basically mocking her. Is this something he believes in, or is he hoping it's as invented as his own predictions? And so forth. Am I missing background from any of his other stories?
I suggest replacing "my inner monologue" for being too writerly...something suited to the character instead. Stumbling on my midlife crisis -- just an example...lol. That's not it, I know. I like that Radshaw takes some time to talk directly to us, since it's funny and a perfectly valid dramatic technique, but make sure it's *him* talking to us, wholly. Not God the Author hiding in everything. You know?
Love all the descriptions of the gypsy. Very nice. Very interesting opening...
And now babies. LOL. One of the things you do really well is lace just the right touch of humor into otherwise heavy/dark events. That's a good thing.
Simon Cowell's waistband? Perhaps that one's a shade too much. Then again, I did chuckle, so perhaps not.
I think I know that ringtone...
I really liked this piece. Honestly, I think it could be an entire novel, if you felt like unpacking it into a slower developing work. Have you ever read Neverwhere by Neil Gaiman? This felt a skosh like that, or at least, felt like it could be something along those lines. I'm a sucker for anything by Gaiman...
Well, I've rattled on far too much for a short story, so I'll wrap it up now. :)
Erica
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2011
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Radshaw's an interesting name.
"That'll be the hangover" - LOL!
:gasps for air: Whole paragraph is hilarious. the last sentence I'm not so sure about...to me that's getting outside the character's head and into yours. That sounded very like a writer criticizing himself more than anything. Plus swapping it out gives you a chance to foreshadow a bit and put a little shape to this opening segment. I enjoyed it, but I didn't have a place to anchor and determine why he's really there. The flippant tone gets serious in a heartbeat - really serious, but I don't see what motivated him to go there in the first place. Radshaw expresses his own disbelief, and lets us know he did, in fact, go there deliberately. He tells us a lot of things, besides why he's there. Was it for fun and it got real, was it an investigation, has he another reason to fear? I don't think a little shade of a hint would really spoil what's to come. Plus it's unusual to not know a character's motivation with first person POV. I know we get all of that later...but starting out with his initial notion that a 'colleague' is tailing him wouldn't be so bad. There are plenty of clues that something deeper is happening: the baby, the fact that Radshaw takes the gypsy's warning so very seriously, etc. - especially when he starts out basically mocking her. Is this something he believes in, or is he hoping it's as invented as his own predictions? And so forth. Am I missing background from any of his other stories?
I suggest replacing "my inner monologue" for being too writerly...something suited to the character instead. Stumbling on my midlife crisis -- just an example...lol. That's not it, I know. I like that Radshaw takes some time to talk directly to us, since it's funny and a perfectly valid dramatic technique, but make sure it's *him* talking to us, wholly. Not God the Author hiding in everything. You know?
Love all the descriptions of the gypsy. Very nice. Very interesting opening...
And now babies. LOL. One of the things you do really well is lace just the right touch of humor into otherwise heavy/dark events. That's a good thing.
Simon Cowell's waistband? Perhaps that one's a shade too much. Then again, I did chuckle, so perhaps not.
I think I know that ringtone...
I really liked this piece. Honestly, I think it could be an entire novel, if you felt like unpacking it into a slower developing work. Have you ever read Neverwhere by Neil Gaiman? This felt a skosh like that, or at least, felt like it could be something along those lines. I'm a sucker for anything by Gaiman...
Well, I've rattled on far too much for a short story, so I'll wrap it up now. :)
Erica
Comment Written 08-Jul-2011
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2011
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You have exposed my biggest weakness - as so often happens, I started this story with a scene idea and I was almost finished in the gypsy tent before I had any idea what was coming next! I tend to plot my stories as I go, because my prepared plots usually go wrong. I totally agree that I need an early hint to why he's there, even of it's just the same fabrication he later tells Raffer.
I've already made the other changes you suggested, as they were spot on.
My friend Dave and I (he loves this character) have fleshed out a fairly detailed plot for a novel based around Mike Radshaw. It's due to be written after the current Bran book.
As for Neil Gaiman, I've read several of his but.not that one - I love Good Omens, but then it's written by two very clever authors, so I would!
Thanks for the great review, E :-).
Mike
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If you've got any spare time, I highly, highly recommend Neverwhere. And Startdust if you haven't read it either. Good Omens is fantastic. Living in the bible belt like I do though, I can't convince most people to read a satire about the apocalypse. lol.
What he told Raffer was a fabrication huh? LOL. I missed that clue.
Later,
E
Comment from barkingdog
-There were many things I'd rather have touched than the tap, such as a leprous tramp with halitosis and a psychotic temper, or a used condom from a council estate tower block's stair well, but needs must[did you leave a verb out here?] when you've just been cramming various bodily excreta into a sandwich bag.'
The above is just an example of the great descriptive style, unique to you, that I love and again want to read until I understand how you phrase thus think.
It is utterly amazing in its clarity and visual images.
Dialogue seems to just be part of the read rather than 'stuck in.'
The descriptive passages just wrap around the dialogue so well that it all becomes one big picture.
You are so thorough, meticulously giving us more.
Your story is full of points to be carried further in future chapters.
The occult, demon/devil, angel/baby and man.
The lead up from just another day at the office feel, to the scything of Raffer was perfect.
Did you see the movie 'Mr.. Black'?Brad Pitt was Death come to get Anthony Hopkins.
When you used the name 'Mister Black', my mind flashed to this movie. You may want to change it to something else.
Loved it. Real suspense.Radshaw is such a strong, cool character. An old fashioned PI like in he comics long ago.
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2011
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-There were many things I'd rather have touched than the tap, such as a leprous tramp with halitosis and a psychotic temper, or a used condom from a council estate tower block's stair well, but needs must[did you leave a verb out here?] when you've just been cramming various bodily excreta into a sandwich bag.'
The above is just an example of the great descriptive style, unique to you, that I love and again want to read until I understand how you phrase thus think.
It is utterly amazing in its clarity and visual images.
Dialogue seems to just be part of the read rather than 'stuck in.'
The descriptive passages just wrap around the dialogue so well that it all becomes one big picture.
You are so thorough, meticulously giving us more.
Your story is full of points to be carried further in future chapters.
The occult, demon/devil, angel/baby and man.
The lead up from just another day at the office feel, to the scything of Raffer was perfect.
Did you see the movie 'Mr.. Black'?Brad Pitt was Death come to get Anthony Hopkins.
When you used the name 'Mister Black', my mind flashed to this movie. You may want to change it to something else.
Loved it. Real suspense.Radshaw is such a strong, cool character. An old fashioned PI like in he comics long ago.
Comment Written 07-Jul-2011
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2011
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Thank you for the fantastic, hugely encouraging review :-). This character is a lot of fun to write, but the style can be difficult to maintain (I run out of jokes! lol). I will certainly be finishing this story off, though.
I haven't seen that film but I remember the trailer - I hadn't thought of that similarity. Unfortunately Mr Black has existed since the second Mike Radshaw story, so I'd have to change them all!
I'm so happy you enjoyed the read, and I'm grinning here thanks to your wonderful review :-).
Mike
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Well, how dumb of me not to realize your Mr. Black was an established character. So, sorry. But when they make this into a movie you can offer a new name. LOL
I thought your jokes were fine. You mean you don't have a pletheria of them?
I am loving your prose, but still struggle with your poetry. LOL
I just posted a metaphorical sonnet 'My Love's Prowess.' I don't think anyone really gets it. They think its about flags and trees. Would you give it a look and see if you know what I'm saying. They didn't all get 'Spillage' either, but this one is so obvious... I thought.
It's short...Please...
Comment from Rdfrdmom2
Fleedleflump:
What do you mean, to be continued? ? Of course, to be
continued!!! You cannot leave your writers in a lurch
like this. You have to turn this into a full-fledged
Mike Radshaw story, of course.
Thanks for sharing
Good luck in the contest
Love,
Jan
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2011
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Fleedleflump:
What do you mean, to be continued? ? Of course, to be
continued!!! You cannot leave your writers in a lurch
like this. You have to turn this into a full-fledged
Mike Radshaw story, of course.
Thanks for sharing
Good luck in the contest
Love,
Jan
Comment Written 07-Jul-2011
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2011
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Lol, thank you, Jan :-). I will certainly finish the story after the great response I've had. So happy you enjoyed the read!
Mike
Comment from Sasha
Thank goodness I still had a 6 left. I vaguely remember this and anxiously look forward to reading the next chapter. You are a genius when it comes to scaring the shit out of someone. Great work with this one. I am not on FanArt anymore but if you ever want to use my artwork you can go to www.artiscolor.weebly.com and copy anything you want.
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2011
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Thank goodness I still had a 6 left. I vaguely remember this and anxiously look forward to reading the next chapter. You are a genius when it comes to scaring the shit out of someone. Great work with this one. I am not on FanArt anymore but if you ever want to use my artwork you can go to www.artiscolor.weebly.com and copy anything you want.
Comment Written 06-Jul-2011
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2011
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Your painting was totally perfect as a companion :-). I was starting to miss writing Mike Radshaw's character, so the contest was an excuse to do another story with him. Of course, as always happens with me, it then ran away with itself and would have been too long!
I'm sitting on my train to work, grinning happily over yoir glowing review - thank you :-).
Mike
Comment from barbara.wilkey
Just before I read your post, I gave my last six away. I am sorry. Your contest entry is very worthy. I have to know if Radshaw is able to protect the baby so you need to HURRY with the next post. Before I became a fan, I was told you are the best at writing descriptions. The person who told me that is correct, you are the best. I hope I learn something from reading you.
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2011
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Just before I read your post, I gave my last six away. I am sorry. Your contest entry is very worthy. I have to know if Radshaw is able to protect the baby so you need to HURRY with the next post. Before I became a fan, I was told you are the best at writing descriptions. The person who told me that is correct, you are the best. I hope I learn something from reading you.
Comment Written 06-Jul-2011
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2011
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I'm blushing! I do love writing description (I detest writing in that style where everthing is stripped down to dialogue and single-line visuals), so it's great to hear others are enjoying it.
I'm thrilled you liked this. Mike's character is rarely far from my thinking, so every few months a new story has to come out. I will, of course, endeavour to finish this one off sooner than that!
Thanks so much for the great review :-).
Mike
Comment from Dannylink2007
This read was very good! It was not only very intriguing, but incredibly amusing at times! I really enjoyed reading this, and am looking forward to reading more of your work!
reply by the author on 06-Jul-2011
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This read was very good! It was not only very intriguing, but incredibly amusing at times! I really enjoyed reading this, and am looking forward to reading more of your work!
Comment Written 06-Jul-2011
reply by the author on 06-Jul-2011
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Thank you, Danny :-). I'm glad the humour came through!
Mike
Comment from 7thpoet
I found the story quite intriguing and though I was a little baffled by some of the phrases you used, the story helped out. Great piece, when is the next "chapter"?
reply by the author on 06-Jul-2011
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I found the story quite intriguing and though I was a little baffled by some of the phrases you used, the story helped out. Great piece, when is the next "chapter"?
Comment Written 06-Jul-2011
reply by the author on 06-Jul-2011
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Thank you :-). I do write this character with a large slice of nuttiness, so the wording can sometimes get away from me. I'm mostly concentrating on my Bran novel at the moment, but Mike is never far from my thoughts, so watch this space!
Mike