Steve's Story-Poems
Viewing comments for Chapter 6 "Smiler Jack"A collection of my poems
75 total reviews
Comment from Cornelius2000
That is one heck of a poem...I'm amazed that it didn't win the prize. I guess I liked your alternative ending better than the Hollywood ending in the original version. The whole poem has a nice rhythm going, and that's a lot of really good rhyming. Nice job.
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2013
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That is one heck of a poem...I'm amazed that it didn't win the prize. I guess I liked your alternative ending better than the Hollywood ending in the original version. The whole poem has a nice rhythm going, and that's a lot of really good rhyming. Nice job.
Comment Written 04-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2013
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Thank you!
Steve
Comment from Mike Stevens
Excellent poem; tells a complete story and well-rhymed. Spooky. So many poems see to be just fragments of a larger story, but not this one.
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2013
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Excellent poem; tells a complete story and well-rhymed. Spooky. So many poems see to be just fragments of a larger story, but not this one.
Comment Written 04-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2013
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Thanks, Mike
Steve
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You bet!
Comment from MissMerri
This was so good! I find it difficult to believe it was not a winner in the story poem contest. I read it to my husband and we both agreed it was excellent. Rhymes and meter and story all combine into a little masterpiece. There is plenty of emotion and colorful description to make it a compelling story as well as a splendid poem. Why don't you offer it for publication to a paying magazine and make it a winner anyway... Or maybe a contest elsewhere? It is first rate, Mate. ;")
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2013
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This was so good! I find it difficult to believe it was not a winner in the story poem contest. I read it to my husband and we both agreed it was excellent. Rhymes and meter and story all combine into a little masterpiece. There is plenty of emotion and colorful description to make it a compelling story as well as a splendid poem. Why don't you offer it for publication to a paying magazine and make it a winner anyway... Or maybe a contest elsewhere? It is first rate, Mate. ;")
Comment Written 04-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2013
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Thank you! from memory, it didn't even get into the placings - go figure.
Yes, I will attempt to find a place for it somewhere.
Thanks again for the kind words.
Steve
Comment from kiwijenny
I liked this and it flowed.... I think it is well deserving of your awards and in my book you should have won the competition.
It was great ..I like the first version better than the last... Hate divorce
Well done kiwi
God bless
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2013
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I liked this and it flowed.... I think it is well deserving of your awards and in my book you should have won the competition.
It was great ..I like the first version better than the last... Hate divorce
Well done kiwi
God bless
Comment Written 04-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2013
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Thank you, fellow kiwi.
This one was written when I was living in Cairns so it has a little Aussie flavour to it.
It is really hard to win one of the site contests (the ones with the $100 cash prize), I did win one once when I least expected it in a sonnet contest, but I would really like to be successful in this category
Cheers
Steve
Comment from donaldww
This is an excellent story in the form of a poem. I wonder how many guys have sat in the corner of a bar, talking to a ghost. It's extraordinary that you have an alternative ending that is equally as good as the original.
I like the local dialogue and historical references to WWII.
Super job! I would give a 6 but seem to have run out. Sorry mate.
Cheers,
DW
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2013
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This is an excellent story in the form of a poem. I wonder how many guys have sat in the corner of a bar, talking to a ghost. It's extraordinary that you have an alternative ending that is equally as good as the original.
I like the local dialogue and historical references to WWII.
Super job! I would give a 6 but seem to have run out. Sorry mate.
Cheers,
DW
Comment Written 04-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2013
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Thanks, Donald. I appreciate the kind words and the virtual six.
Steve
Comment from Ridley Williams
I, personaly, thought this was an excellent story, (can't believe you didn't win). You did a great job in the story telling. Easy to understand, with a touching plot that had me from the start and kept me to the end, (with a misty eye). Really well done, Ridley
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2013
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I, personaly, thought this was an excellent story, (can't believe you didn't win). You did a great job in the story telling. Easy to understand, with a touching plot that had me from the start and kept me to the end, (with a misty eye). Really well done, Ridley
Comment Written 04-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2013
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Thanks, Ridley. My poems are usually aimed at raising a good chuckle, chortle or guffaw, but you are right, this one is going hard for the misty eye!
Steve
Comment from Zue65
yes, this is some story of a bloke who failed to control his demons woven within a poem, the narration of the important facets in the life, his bout with alcohol, gambling, how he got broke without money, his exploits in Singapore with his brother Bill who died of fever, the Rail of Death in Burma, the death of his first wife Ruth claimed by cancer, his present wife who left him and took all the kids, and his conversation with a ghost Jack, Smiler Jack and the final ending when his wife finally decided to give him a chance, of which he attributed his change and his energy back at life to the ghost Jack Smiler. I enjoyed the story in your poem.
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2013
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yes, this is some story of a bloke who failed to control his demons woven within a poem, the narration of the important facets in the life, his bout with alcohol, gambling, how he got broke without money, his exploits in Singapore with his brother Bill who died of fever, the Rail of Death in Burma, the death of his first wife Ruth claimed by cancer, his present wife who left him and took all the kids, and his conversation with a ghost Jack, Smiler Jack and the final ending when his wife finally decided to give him a chance, of which he attributed his change and his energy back at life to the ghost Jack Smiler. I enjoyed the story in your poem.
Comment Written 04-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2013
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Thank you.
Steve
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Superb story... surprised it wasn't a winner, frankly. I lovvve the second ending... LOL! It's best as you have it, in the notes as an alternate ending, tho. The story really is supposed to end on a high note, because of Smiler's help.
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2013
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Superb story... surprised it wasn't a winner, frankly. I lovvve the second ending... LOL! It's best as you have it, in the notes as an alternate ending, tho. The story really is supposed to end on a high note, because of Smiler's help.
Comment Written 04-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2013
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Thanks, Phyllis.
It is really hard to win one of the site contests (the ones with the $100 cash prize), I did win one once when I least expected it in a sonnet contest, but I would really like to be successful in this category.
Steve
Comment from Hollyhock
Got to give you another six because this one actually brought the tears. I am really surprised it was not a competition winner.
Again you make use of direct speech/thought which takes the reader right to the heart of the poem. Thbe poem is made doubly effective by your use of Australian English, the "dialect" comes over clearly, your use of colloquialisms and choice of verb "whined" all add to the tone and mood.
The regulare rhyming couplets bind the piece together but never become intrusive. This is in part due to the longer lines which vary in length and this also adds to the conversational tone.
I think your alternative ending is probably more true to life but the original one fits in better with the "ghost" story theme.
Worth of congratulations even if not a winner!
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2013
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Got to give you another six because this one actually brought the tears. I am really surprised it was not a competition winner.
Again you make use of direct speech/thought which takes the reader right to the heart of the poem. Thbe poem is made doubly effective by your use of Australian English, the "dialect" comes over clearly, your use of colloquialisms and choice of verb "whined" all add to the tone and mood.
The regulare rhyming couplets bind the piece together but never become intrusive. This is in part due to the longer lines which vary in length and this also adds to the conversational tone.
I think your alternative ending is probably more true to life but the original one fits in better with the "ghost" story theme.
Worth of congratulations even if not a winner!
Comment Written 04-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2013
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Thanks, Andrea - you can see why I had high hopes for this one - from memory, I don't think it even made it onto the podium! On my wish-list for a better FanStory would be the provision of feedback of some kind into the committee's contest judging...
Good to get someone else's insight into why this works since I'm usually just flying by the seat of my pants.
Steve
Comment from Rondeno
I absolutely love it. Your verse form is perfect for the story, and perfectly executed. The idea of the phantom friend who saves the day is a familiar one, but you imbue it with fresh life. And those Antipodean cadences were there from the first syllable. Terrific!
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2013
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I absolutely love it. Your verse form is perfect for the story, and perfectly executed. The idea of the phantom friend who saves the day is a familiar one, but you imbue it with fresh life. And those Antipodean cadences were there from the first syllable. Terrific!
Comment Written 04-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2013
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Thanks, Mike.
Steve