Tantalizing Eyes
Viewing comments for Chapter 16 "Chapter 4 Part 3"Dishonesty VS Love. Which will win?
53 total reviews
Comment from eliz100
This is another well-written chapter. I was interested from beginning to end. I am glad to see you posting again. I look forward to see what happens in Columbia.
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2009
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This is another well-written chapter. I was interested from beginning to end. I am glad to see you posting again. I look forward to see what happens in Columbia.
Comment Written 07-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2009
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I'm sorry, but I don't understand why you gave me 4 stars. You said it's another well-written chapter and it's interesting from beginning to end. What did I do wrong???
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Sorry that was an error. i will fix it.
Comment from thewriter1970
I can't wait to hear more of this story.
You're killing me here, which is good in a novel. The suspense and tension you have woven between these two is intense.
Great work. I look forward to reading more.
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2009
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I can't wait to hear more of this story.
You're killing me here, which is good in a novel. The suspense and tension you have woven between these two is intense.
Great work. I look forward to reading more.
Comment Written 07-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2009
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Thank you for your review and kind words.
Comment from RazberryBullet
Just got in on this story. I like the tenseness of the situation, not only the diffculties with the drug cartel, but also the simmering attraction between Steven and Leya.
Great cliff-hanger of an ending!
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2009
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Just got in on this story. I like the tenseness of the situation, not only the diffculties with the drug cartel, but also the simmering attraction between Steven and Leya.
Great cliff-hanger of an ending!
Comment Written 07-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2009
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Thank you for your review and kind words.
Comment from Donald O. Cassidy
Barbara ,this is full of action, a good plot, good characterization, sharp dialogue and necessary narration
Your descriptions of your characters are skilfully woven in the story.
You end on high suspense.
I suppose the previous chapters have explained the lesser characters better.
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2009
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Barbara ,this is full of action, a good plot, good characterization, sharp dialogue and necessary narration
Your descriptions of your characters are skilfully woven in the story.
You end on high suspense.
I suppose the previous chapters have explained the lesser characters better.
Comment Written 07-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2009
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Thank you for your review. The prvious chapters will tell you the part the lesser characters play in the manuscript.
Comment from adewpearl
Offers to let him replace the tattoo, walking about in a lace nightgown - boy, he sure is becoming more and more tempted to make this marriage an actual one! LOL I like the humor, too, in the tomato chopping scene and in the comment about handing over the billfold. This relationship sure is an interesting one! Brooke :-)
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2009
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Offers to let him replace the tattoo, walking about in a lace nightgown - boy, he sure is becoming more and more tempted to make this marriage an actual one! LOL I like the humor, too, in the tomato chopping scene and in the comment about handing over the billfold. This relationship sure is an interesting one! Brooke :-)
Comment Written 07-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2009
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Thank you for your review. I always to hear from you. It's a reality check to make sure it's working. Thank you again.
Comment from pilgrim_of_truth
There is great emotional tension in this, you can feel it in the air. There is also the very human feeling of jealosy, closely guarded but evident still. A powerful piece of writing
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2009
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There is great emotional tension in this, you can feel it in the air. There is also the very human feeling of jealosy, closely guarded but evident still. A powerful piece of writing
Comment Written 07-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2009
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Thank you for your review. I appreciate your kind words.
Comment from Veronica Grace
A well written chapter and keeps the reader going. It will be interesting to see the climax unfold.
Just a couple of adjustments and suggestions:
Steven married Leya to protect her from an arranged married. She is a Drug Lord princess. Steven works for a secret government agency that fights drug.
"Can we stop by Task Force?" Michael asked, as they entered the city. "I need to make sure my paperwork is in order before I leave for Colombia."
"Not a problem." Steven took the exit leading to the Task Force building.
As Steven clicked on the turn signal to drive into the parking lot, Leya shouted, "Keep driving!"
Steven glanced at her but continued driving. He drove a mile down the street before he stopped the car and glared at Leya. "What was that about?"
"The man standing beside the dark green van was Paco Martinez, Carlos's younger brother."
"Are you sure?"
"Of course, I'm sure." She wrung her hands.
"Damn!" Steven thought a moment. "Michael and Bob will drop us at the Court House. We'll get copies of the marriage certificate and mail them. Michael and Bob can do what they need to do at Task Force and then come get us."
At the post office, Steven and Leya made sure the certificates would arrive in Bogota' the following day. The first certificate needed to (be signed=passive) for by Hector Vegas and the second (one needed to be signed = passive = remove this section) for by Carlos Martinez. The first certificate needed signing for by Hector Vegas and the second by Carlos Martinez.
Not much to change.
Veronica Grace
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2009
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A well written chapter and keeps the reader going. It will be interesting to see the climax unfold.
Just a couple of adjustments and suggestions:
Steven married Leya to protect her from an arranged married. She is a Drug Lord princess. Steven works for a secret government agency that fights drug.
"Can we stop by Task Force?" Michael asked, as they entered the city. "I need to make sure my paperwork is in order before I leave for Colombia."
"Not a problem." Steven took the exit leading to the Task Force building.
As Steven clicked on the turn signal to drive into the parking lot, Leya shouted, "Keep driving!"
Steven glanced at her but continued driving. He drove a mile down the street before he stopped the car and glared at Leya. "What was that about?"
"The man standing beside the dark green van was Paco Martinez, Carlos's younger brother."
"Are you sure?"
"Of course, I'm sure." She wrung her hands.
"Damn!" Steven thought a moment. "Michael and Bob will drop us at the Court House. We'll get copies of the marriage certificate and mail them. Michael and Bob can do what they need to do at Task Force and then come get us."
At the post office, Steven and Leya made sure the certificates would arrive in Bogota' the following day. The first certificate needed to (be signed=passive) for by Hector Vegas and the second (one needed to be signed = passive = remove this section) for by Carlos Martinez. The first certificate needed signing for by Hector Vegas and the second by Carlos Martinez.
Not much to change.
Veronica Grace
Comment Written 07-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2009
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Thank you for your review. I am not sure how to change that from passive to active voice, since there is really no way to write it and all of my writing books state as long as you keep passive voice under 5% you are all right. Which I have done. I will take another look at it.
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Oh, okay... Evil Eddie made me do it!
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I did change one of them, but couldn't figure out another way to say the first one. We can always blame evil eddie. Hey, I wonder if he burned the sausage this morning at breakfast????
Comment from empire76
Interesting events, for sure. Leya isn't thinking straight obviously. I see you incorporate Steve's thoughts more. I think the emotion is missing. You describe a series of events, but let the reader feel the character's experience.
- Michael asked[,] as they entered the city.
delete comma
- As Steven clicked on the turn signal to drive into the parking lot, Leya shouted,
Suggestion: As Steven signaled to turn into the parking lot
- Steven glanced at her but continued driving.
Thought is needed here. I expect surprise or something. Don't assume the reader knows. Also, what made him decide to go with her instruction? It's important for us to see that not all his decisions are made with his other head.
- The first certificate needed to be signed for by Hector Vegas and the second [one needed to be signed for] by Carlos Martinez.
The sentence can be simplified by deleting the part in []
- ...Steven wasn't sure why he got a third copy, but folded it and put it in his pocket.
Doesn't the couple keep one? So it's not so strange that
Steven got a third one
- ...he noticed Leya chewing on her lower lip
What's he thinking here? At the very least, I expect that it's a sign that he's noticing or understanding some of her mannerisms, which wld show a development in their relationship.
- "Both the Vegas and the Martinez Cartels are well represented."
I like that line
- "Soup(')s on!"
sounds like a contraction: there shd be an apostrophe
- ...her adorable little rear-end
little?
- after a restless night, Steven knocked on Leya's door. When she answered, Steven noticed
You are using their names quite a bit in the chapter. In this line for example you have Steven two times. The second can easily be replaced with 'he', which would read better.
- He sighed and muttered under his breath, "Rookies!"
I imagine he's frustrated. Just saying he sighed gives me a whole different image. What kind of sigh - exasperated, maybe?
Well, those are the things I spotted. Looking forward to the next chapter
Empi
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2009
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Interesting events, for sure. Leya isn't thinking straight obviously. I see you incorporate Steve's thoughts more. I think the emotion is missing. You describe a series of events, but let the reader feel the character's experience.
- Michael asked[,] as they entered the city.
delete comma
- As Steven clicked on the turn signal to drive into the parking lot, Leya shouted,
Suggestion: As Steven signaled to turn into the parking lot
- Steven glanced at her but continued driving.
Thought is needed here. I expect surprise or something. Don't assume the reader knows. Also, what made him decide to go with her instruction? It's important for us to see that not all his decisions are made with his other head.
- The first certificate needed to be signed for by Hector Vegas and the second [one needed to be signed for] by Carlos Martinez.
The sentence can be simplified by deleting the part in []
- ...Steven wasn't sure why he got a third copy, but folded it and put it in his pocket.
Doesn't the couple keep one? So it's not so strange that
Steven got a third one
- ...he noticed Leya chewing on her lower lip
What's he thinking here? At the very least, I expect that it's a sign that he's noticing or understanding some of her mannerisms, which wld show a development in their relationship.
- "Both the Vegas and the Martinez Cartels are well represented."
I like that line
- "Soup(')s on!"
sounds like a contraction: there shd be an apostrophe
- ...her adorable little rear-end
little?
- after a restless night, Steven knocked on Leya's door. When she answered, Steven noticed
You are using their names quite a bit in the chapter. In this line for example you have Steven two times. The second can easily be replaced with 'he', which would read better.
- He sighed and muttered under his breath, "Rookies!"
I imagine he's frustrated. Just saying he sighed gives me a whole different image. What kind of sigh - exasperated, maybe?
Well, those are the things I spotted. Looking forward to the next chapter
Empi
Comment Written 07-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2009
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I will take another look at those areas. Thank you for catching them.
Comment from jadapenn
Hey, Barbara, it was great to catch up to task force again. I didn't like the father beating the poor mother like this, but thugs are just that. Now Leya has flown the coup and caused chaos. I loved the dialogue. Story moving well. luv jada
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2009
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Hey, Barbara, it was great to catch up to task force again. I didn't like the father beating the poor mother like this, but thugs are just that. Now Leya has flown the coup and caused chaos. I loved the dialogue. Story moving well. luv jada
Comment Written 07-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2009
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Thank you for your review. You're one of the people I wait on pins and needles to hear from to make sure it works, thank you again. JAKE!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Yep, I'll tell you where I get worried. Of course I can clout Steven for handing his wallet to Leya, but now he knows. Gosh I don't know about Jake. Had so many visitors today. So much for complaining about lonliness. I'll try. I miss our DAVID. luv jada
Comment from Patrick G Cox
Hi Barbara
Good for the lady, I expect her father will find she's no pussycat. Her 'husband' obviously has already. Well written and a good follow on from the last chapter. Nice suggestion of the attraction building between them too. Well done.
Patrick
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2009
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Hi Barbara
Good for the lady, I expect her father will find she's no pussycat. Her 'husband' obviously has already. Well written and a good follow on from the last chapter. Nice suggestion of the attraction building between them too. Well done.
Patrick
Comment Written 07-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2009
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Thank you for your review. I appreciate your kind words and support.