Twas the Night Before Christmas
A young mans encounter with a woman evokes lost memories.32 total reviews
Comment from Daylily
This is a beautiful First Milestone posting. I like that you chose a Christmas theme because it is so fitting at this time of year, and your message is a strong one.
It is sad being alone at such a time, especially with the recent loss of a beloved mother. I also like that your lines hold the Christmas spirit of love; and in this case, love shown to a stranger. Smiles, Lily
I honestly believe you are going to do very well here at FanStory and I look forward to reading more of your work.
reply by the author on 15-Dec-2023
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This is a beautiful First Milestone posting. I like that you chose a Christmas theme because it is so fitting at this time of year, and your message is a strong one.
It is sad being alone at such a time, especially with the recent loss of a beloved mother. I also like that your lines hold the Christmas spirit of love; and in this case, love shown to a stranger. Smiles, Lily
I honestly believe you are going to do very well here at FanStory and I look forward to reading more of your work.
Comment Written 15-Dec-2023
reply by the author on 15-Dec-2023
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Thank you for your kind words! Happy holidays Lily!
Comment from Carol Hillebrenner
You have a good story but, since you have no word limit, you need to use a few more words. The lady, since she had children, wasn't necessarily old. You need to put her at the door of the house with the children looking out around her. If the rock broke the window, it probably isn't around for him to kick it again. The man needs a bit more description, maybe how tall he was or some other image of him, like taping up the broken glass. As you write your story, try to visualize just what is happening. I'm not sure she would be happy with the broken window, but she might seem to be sad for him and invite him inside. You have of potential as a writer. Best wishes with this and your other endeavors.
reply by the author on 15-Dec-2023
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You have a good story but, since you have no word limit, you need to use a few more words. The lady, since she had children, wasn't necessarily old. You need to put her at the door of the house with the children looking out around her. If the rock broke the window, it probably isn't around for him to kick it again. The man needs a bit more description, maybe how tall he was or some other image of him, like taping up the broken glass. As you write your story, try to visualize just what is happening. I'm not sure she would be happy with the broken window, but she might seem to be sad for him and invite him inside. You have of potential as a writer. Best wishes with this and your other endeavors.
Comment Written 15-Dec-2023
reply by the author on 15-Dec-2023
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Thank you for your suggestions. I mentioned the old lady because it wasn't her children, as I never stated "her children in reindeer pajamas," just "children in reindeer pajamas." However, I have curated my short story to make it more clear, thank you! In addition, I wrote the story as if it was the man giving the story, so it wouldn't be realistic for him to describe his appearances, while writing about the death of his mother, and a kind woman inviting him in for dinner at the same time. Thank you for your review though, and happy holidays!
Comment from Ginda Simpson
Welcome to the Fanstory community of writers. We're glad you have joined us. Congratulations on this your first post. You used vivid description of people, place and time, creating an endearing Christmas story.
reply by the author on 14-Dec-2023
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Welcome to the Fanstory community of writers. We're glad you have joined us. Congratulations on this your first post. You used vivid description of people, place and time, creating an endearing Christmas story.
Comment Written 14-Dec-2023
reply by the author on 14-Dec-2023
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Thank you for the review and have a great day!!
Comment from Terry Broxson
Austin, welcome to FanStory, and I hope you enjoy your time. I want to point out a couple of things I really liked and a couple I think need work.
Let me start with the first paragraph. You use 'night' twice in the first sentence. I think you only need to use it once.
The sentence 'Why do good people, why did my own mother'...looks and sounds awkward. Consider 'Why do good people like my mother...'
The lights seemed to flicker in sympathy with my thoughts--excellent visual imagery.
Reindeer pajamas are also a good visual.
Your descriptions of the food and smells added to the scene nicely. Over all good job. Terry.
reply by the author on 14-Dec-2023
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Austin, welcome to FanStory, and I hope you enjoy your time. I want to point out a couple of things I really liked and a couple I think need work.
Let me start with the first paragraph. You use 'night' twice in the first sentence. I think you only need to use it once.
The sentence 'Why do good people, why did my own mother'...looks and sounds awkward. Consider 'Why do good people like my mother...'
The lights seemed to flicker in sympathy with my thoughts--excellent visual imagery.
Reindeer pajamas are also a good visual.
Your descriptions of the food and smells added to the scene nicely. Over all good job. Terry.
Comment Written 14-Dec-2023
reply by the author on 14-Dec-2023
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Thank you for your feedback! I have revised my work, given your suggestions!
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Austin, I think it reads better. Glad to help. Terry.
Comment from Yusita
This was a bittersweet story that tugged at my heartstrings. It was told well and I enjoyed reading it. I also like the purpose/message behind it, as indicated in your author's notes. We never know what someone is going through, so we should always try to bring them kindness and light in any way we can. Lovely work!
reply by the author on 14-Dec-2023
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This was a bittersweet story that tugged at my heartstrings. It was told well and I enjoyed reading it. I also like the purpose/message behind it, as indicated in your author's notes. We never know what someone is going through, so we should always try to bring them kindness and light in any way we can. Lovely work!
Comment Written 14-Dec-2023
reply by the author on 14-Dec-2023
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Thank you for your kind comment!
Comment from Wayne Fowler
Very nice story. (I'm just glad that you didn't break a window kicking the rock.)
I believe in the Divine and interventions such as your mother's chocolate-pecan butter cake.
Best wishes and good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 15-Dec-2023
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Very nice story. (I'm just glad that you didn't break a window kicking the rock.)
I believe in the Divine and interventions such as your mother's chocolate-pecan butter cake.
Best wishes and good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 13-Dec-2023
reply by the author on 15-Dec-2023
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Thank you for your kind feedback!
Comment from jenintorre
Ah. This is such a bittersweet Christmas story. It is very well written and brought tears to my eyes as I read it.
I wish you lots of luck in the competition and a very happy Christmas. Jen.
reply by the author on 15-Dec-2023
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Ah. This is such a bittersweet Christmas story. It is very well written and brought tears to my eyes as I read it.
I wish you lots of luck in the competition and a very happy Christmas. Jen.
Comment Written 13-Dec-2023
reply by the author on 15-Dec-2023
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I'm glad you loved it, and Merry Christmas to you!
Comment from Wendyanne
This is quite a nice story that you have written for the Christmas story competition. I might be wrong but I am guessing you are not English as the food you have mentioned is not typical of an English family and your story takes place in London. Not that it matters but it just seemed odd to read about American food and not English traditional food. Good luck.
reply by the author on 15-Dec-2023
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This is quite a nice story that you have written for the Christmas story competition. I might be wrong but I am guessing you are not English as the food you have mentioned is not typical of an English family and your story takes place in London. Not that it matters but it just seemed odd to read about American food and not English traditional food. Good luck.
Comment Written 12-Dec-2023
reply by the author on 15-Dec-2023
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Thank you for your feedback!
Comment from JSD
Welcome to FanStory. I hope that you enjoy your time here. This is a lovely, evocative piece of prose, with an important message for everyone at Christmas. Really effectively written. Well done.
reply by the author on 15-Dec-2023
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Welcome to FanStory. I hope that you enjoy your time here. This is a lovely, evocative piece of prose, with an important message for everyone at Christmas. Really effectively written. Well done.
Comment Written 11-Dec-2023
reply by the author on 15-Dec-2023
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Thank you, I just discovered FanStory about a week ago.
Comment from Barry Penfold
A very commendable first post. Welcome to Fan Story and I hope you enjoy your stay. Liked the story line. Well told. Thanks for the notes. Yes, it is a sad reality that many people are alone at Christmas butn your story invites them into the fold. Take care and have a most wonderful day.
Regards
Barry Penfold.
reply by the author on 15-Dec-2023
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A very commendable first post. Welcome to Fan Story and I hope you enjoy your stay. Liked the story line. Well told. Thanks for the notes. Yes, it is a sad reality that many people are alone at Christmas butn your story invites them into the fold. Take care and have a most wonderful day.
Regards
Barry Penfold.
Comment Written 11-Dec-2023
reply by the author on 15-Dec-2023
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Thank you Barry for your kind review. Yes, it is truly sad that millions spend Christmas alone each year, even in America. Glad you enjoyed my story, and Happy Holidays!