Comment from nancy_e_davis

Excellent

I know I never stumbled on family. It is automatic if you are indeed a poet. Your meter and rhyme are spot on, Steve. The picture is perfect. The message clear. Well done. Nancy:)

 Comment Written 07-Aug-2023

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reply by the author on 09-Aug-2023

Thanks, Nancy.
Haven't seen you around for a while. I hope all is well with you.

Steve

Comment from Michelle D. Carr

Excellent

Upon reading this I wondered who the broken bird really was. I thought the meter was good. It flowed well. I am still trying the sonnet so I appreciate that it's tricky. I enjoyed this. Thanks for sharing it.

 Comment Written 07-Aug-2023

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reply by the author on 09-Aug-2023

Thanks, Michelle.
Metaphors can be tricky! In this case the 'broken bird' is indeed a person who becomes a lover.

Steve

Comment from Tom Horonzy

Excellent

... and what if the reader reading the read poem is indecent? Then what?
Also, it must have been ome size of bird to break his cage to leave the scene where he was treated warmly. :-O

 Comment Written 07-Aug-2023

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reply by the author on 09-Aug-2023

Thanks, Tom.
The desire to escape can be a powerful motivator - especially if you are escaping from me!

Steve

Comment from Eleri

Exceptional

This a truly lovely poem with all of the correct rhyming scheme and metre for the sonnet contest. I agree that family should have more syllables than the reading of your poem allows but that seems fine and hopefully the contest committee with allow it. I love the image of your lover as a bird and it works well throughout this poem. I wish you all the bet with it in the contest
Eleri

 Comment Written 07-Aug-2023

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reply by the author on 09-Aug-2023

Elery, many thanks for this thoughtful review and the six shiny stars. Much appreciated.

Steve

Comment from lyenochka

Excellent

Your sonnet is in perfect form as I would expect no less from you, Steve! I wonder whether to take the bird story literally as a physical bird or more symbolically of pouring one's love into a risky relationship, as "friends all shook their heads and family frowned," and the hint in " careless passion treated as a toy;" There's always risk in giving love but even if the loved one disappears and causes pain, there still remains the memory of the love. Best wishes in the contest!

 Comment Written 07-Aug-2023

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reply by the author on 07-Aug-2023

Thank you. I struggled to get this finished to my satisfaction, and the ending you read was only a place-holder to make sure I met the deadline. You may want to re-read to see the 'new, improved' version although I know you can't revise your rating.

And yes the metaphorical meaning is the one intended.

Steve

reply by lyenochka on 07-Aug-2023

I liked your revision! But the first version made it feel like it was the heartless bird that left. Now the narrator feels some responsibility for enforcing the cage. Good to refer to December at the end which fits the Year in the title well.

Comment from Iza Deleanu

Excellent

I think I don't understand very well this poem or maybe the birds is hope and the beginning of a new life. Thank you for sharing and good luck with your writings and the contest.

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 Comment Written 07-Aug-2023

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reply by the author on 07-Aug-2023

Thanks for the kind words.

Steve

Comment from Alexandra Trovato

Excellent

If you're still feeling bad, I can at least make you laugh. I thought you had found a real bird for half of the story. I am just too literal sometimes. Anyway, I read it again. It truly is an excellent sonnet as it deals with human emotion. I think your descriptions are full and are worded beautifully. I think we've all been there and have seen wintery street of pain and days when everything just feels painful. There are better days past those days though. You did an excellent job describing those feelings and I wish you well, with better days ahead for you!

This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.

 Comment Written 07-Aug-2023

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reply by the author on 07-Aug-2023

Thank you. I struggled to get this finished to my satisfaction, and the ending you read was only a place-holder to make sure I met the deadline. You may want to re-read to see the 'new, improved' version although I know you can't revise your rating.

Happily married as I am for nigh on fifty years, any pain expressed is but a poet's imagination!

Steve