Comment from Goodadvicechan

Excellent

This is a good poem for children. Your choice of creatures is good and you have done a good job to describe each one of them.

I like the panda. " Next came a panda who's dressed to the hilt." It is cute.

Thanks for sharing.

 Comment Written 12-Jun-2023

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reply by the author on 12-Jun-2023

Thank you so much for your very kind review. I really appreciate it. Several others have liked that particular line as well.

Comment from Zoe Webb

Exceptional

This was sweet and very funny. I could easily see each line being in an illustrated children's book or something similar. You paint great pictures with your words here. My favorite is the panda. I have a four year old niece and think that she would love it as well!

 Comment Written 12-Jun-2023

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reply by the author on 12-Jun-2023

Thank you so much for your very kind review, and the 6 stars, Zoe. I've yet to read it to my two young grandsons. Next time they come over, I will. I think it's their kind of humor.

Comment from Carol Hillebrenner

Exceptional

This is really cute and smaller children would love to have someone read this to them. You have a neat rhyme pattern of the kind that kids love. Older kids would enjoy the challenge of reading lines like the lion to lie on. The mental pictures of each of the animals are also enjoyable, although real pictures would be very neat.

 Comment Written 11-Jun-2023

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reply by the author on 12-Jun-2023

Thanks very much for your great review and the 6 stars, Carol.

I actually found a picture of a monkey climbing in a prickly cactus but didn't have enough room for it.

Comment from Wendy G

Excellent

What a wonderful children's poem! I hope you will get it illustrated and published for young ones! it had a great rhythm and excellent rhyme, and the whole poem was fun from beginning to end. Best wishes for the contest.
Wendy

 Comment Written 11-Jun-2023

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reply by the author on 12-Jun-2023

Thank you so much, Wendy. I appreciate your excellent review and the good wishes.

Comment from kiwisteveh

Excellent

Lots of fun here in this humorous kids' poem and I can imagine it going down well as a bedtime read perhaps.

We all know that most kids love silliness and this certainly goes there with the ridiculous actions of the animals. Strong rhyme and meter give this good flow as well.

Steve

 Comment Written 11-Jun-2023

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reply by the author on 12-Jun-2023

Thanks for this great review, Steve. I tried to think of things my two young grandsons would think funny.

Comment from jmdg1954

Exceptional

Jim. I think this is a fabulous children's poem. Easily I could envision the pictures to flow with the phrasing (stanzas I guess you'd call them)?

I feel kids, 3-6 yr old, would giggle there vocal cords at some of the rhymes and phrases...

And finally, a skunk who sat up on a stump.
He was twitching his nose 'cause he thunk the stump stunk.
But the stump thunk the skunk stunk.

This is a kids book all day long! Publish it!

John

 Comment Written 11-Jun-2023

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reply by the author on 11-Jun-2023

Thanks for your wonderful review and the 6 stars, John. I'll put it to the real test the next time I see my young grandsons.

Comment from lyenochka

Excellent

This is simply delightful! I loved how you played with the sounds of words with the multiple internal rhymes and tongue twisters and homonyms. How perfect for a children's rhyme and my favorite was "He sounds like a monkey just pricked by a cactus." So clever to rhyme that with "practice"! Hope this does well in the contest!

 Comment Written 11-Jun-2023

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reply by the author on 11-Jun-2023

Thanks so much, Helen. I actually found a picture of a monkey climbing a large cactus, but I didn't have room for it so we have to just imagine it. Thanks for your good wishes in the contest.

Comment from royowen

Excellent

I have very strange dreams and woke up in a tiz thinking it was so real, but discovered I wasn't a prophet having a prophetic dream, my brain was hallucinating all on its own. You really are a very skilled poet, as well as a scribal raconteur and poet Jim, well done, blessings Roy

 Comment Written 11-Jun-2023

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reply by the author on 11-Jun-2023

That's awfully kind, Roy. Thank you very much. Perhaps this was a hallucination too!

reply by royowen on 11-Jun-2023

Could be, well done

Comment from Diana Harris

Excellent

I enjoyed your rambles through the brambles, viewing all the animals. This would be a hit with my grandkids. Good luck in the contest. Thank you. Diana

 Comment Written 11-Jun-2023

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reply by the author on 11-Jun-2023

Thanks, Diana. I appreciate the well-wishes.

Comment from Pam Lonsdale

Excellent

A sheep in a Jeep and a hoarse horse, of course! What a fun rhyming poem you've written for this contest.

Perhaps I'm not the right one to ask, but shouldn't the lines be the same syllable count in order for it to flow better. For instance:

Next came a panda who's dressed to the hilt,
Playing the bagpipe and wearing a kilt.

I think dropping "Next came" from the second line flows better.

Perhaps a better poet from this site will correct me if I'm wrong.

But it's fun, and I like the presentation. The picture is adorable. Do you have grandkids you can try this out on?

Take care and good luck with the contest.

Pam

 Comment Written 11-Jun-2023

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reply by the author on 11-Jun-2023

Thanks, Pam. I haven't tried it out on the grandsons yet. I'll let you know how they like it. They don't generally like my poetry, but this is a kid's poem so maybe they'll make an exception.

You've brought up an interesting point about meter. The basic meter I chose for this poem goes like this:

DA-dit-dit, DA-dit-dit, DA-dit-dit, DA

which is 3 dactyls and an ending DA. There are 2 variations I also use, being:

1) (dit) DA-dit-dit, DA-dit-dit, DA-dit-dit, DA and
2) (dit-dit) DA-dit-dit, DA-dit-dit, DA-dit-dit, DA

with the variations having either one additional unaccented upbeat serving as a grace-note or two of them serving as a double grace-note. This is the same rhythm used by Dr. Seuss in many of his rhyming children's books like Horton Hatches the Egg and How the Grinch Stole Christmas (with all 3--the basic and both variations). This is my favorite poetic meter that I've used in a number of poems including "Pluto."

The two lines you mentioned both use the basic rhythm rather than one of the variations. But all of them have the same number of feet in a line (which is 4) regardless of the number of syllables. I don't think of syllables when I write a poem, but poetic feet instead (combinations of syllables), with the feet in a line having a regular cadence like a metronome. If I can tap my foot in a regular beat while reciting a poem, and all the accents are on the correct syllables, I know it has good meter.

You've touched on one of my favorite subjects: poetic meter. I've even written a 26-page essay on the subject which I've shared with a few FanStorians. It includes lots of examples of good and bad meter, and how to fix bad meter. If you're interested in this, I can share it with you too.

reply by Pam Lonsdale on 11-Jun-2023

My goodness, you have thought this through way more than me and now I just feel foolish! Don't change a thing then, if you've studied meter and put this much time into your poem.

I don't write a lot of poetry, so I probably don't need your essay. But you could always publish it here and offer it for all!

reply by the author on 12-Jun-2023

I've thought about publishing it here, but I really prefer to send it along with a thorough critique of a poem that I do for those interested. It really reinforces the lessons of the essay when I do it this way, as it's more meaningful to them when applied to their own poems.