The Dilemma
A marriage in turmoil27 total reviews
Comment from Wendy G
Well written first chapter. Yet it seems that the end for them is clearly in sight, so not sure what the rest of the book would be about - unless it's murder, or the new relationship he enters into.
Wendy
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2022
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Well written first chapter. Yet it seems that the end for them is clearly in sight, so not sure what the rest of the book would be about - unless it's murder, or the new relationship he enters into.
Wendy
Comment Written 25-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2022
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Wendy, thank you for reading, there will not be any more chapters. Terry.
Comment from Pam Lonsdale
This is a good first chapter for a book, and I love that you end the chapter with a hook. A dilemma? Some would say no dilemma here at all, but then we wouldn't have a book, would we?
Nice job of drawing us into the story - throwing that curve ball in there, as you so often do. Good luck with the contest, and with the book if you decide to pursue it.
A few notes I made while reading -
Second paragraph - I think you want it to be a COUNTRY band.
You're writing Elodie as a HE in the sentence that reads "She said he loved the people . . ."
Not sure who the female lead was in Same Time Next Year, but it wasn't Shirley Maclaine.
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2022
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This is a good first chapter for a book, and I love that you end the chapter with a hook. A dilemma? Some would say no dilemma here at all, but then we wouldn't have a book, would we?
Nice job of drawing us into the story - throwing that curve ball in there, as you so often do. Good luck with the contest, and with the book if you decide to pursue it.
A few notes I made while reading -
Second paragraph - I think you want it to be a COUNTRY band.
You're writing Elodie as a HE in the sentence that reads "She said he loved the people . . ."
Not sure who the female lead was in Same Time Next Year, but it wasn't Shirley Maclaine.
Comment Written 25-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2022
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Pam, thank you for reading and catching the edits, I got them changed. That was a great catch on Shirley Maclaine, it was Ellen Burstyn. I can't believe I missed that.
By the way there will no be no more chapters, and despite what it says about the contest, it is not in the contest. Terry.
Comment from Tom Horonzy
Heartache and heartbreak. Poor guy. There seems to be so much written in the first chapter, I have no idea what you can write after the divorce. Good luck. .....................................
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2022
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Heartache and heartbreak. Poor guy. There seems to be so much written in the first chapter, I have no idea what you can write after the divorce. Good luck. .....................................
Comment Written 25-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2022
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Tom, thank you for reading, they will not be any more chapters. Terry.
Comment from Wayne Fowler
Well, a dilemma indeed. Does he kill them individually, or as a threesome?
Good writing. Nice work.
Oh, and then, which vow does he break, to have and to hold, or not to return to Mexico?
Best wishes and good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2022
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Well, a dilemma indeed. Does he kill them individually, or as a threesome?
Good writing. Nice work.
Oh, and then, which vow does he break, to have and to hold, or not to return to Mexico?
Best wishes and good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 25-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2022
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Wayne, Thank you I like the way you think! Terry.
Comment from giraffmang
Hi Terry,
I think you have the bones of a good tale here. It's a good start but I'd treat it like a draft rather than the finished article. I think you could push this a little more. The writing itself is spot on for the most part but you can develop this more. There's a couple of plot points which may need another look at to tie things up.
I made some notes as I read through-
There's a lot of clipped sentences early on (very short ones) You could vary these and make some of them longer, such as when you start the next one with a conjunctive.
Elodie and her friend Theresa traveled to Mexico every five or six months in the last few years- I think I'd be inclined to say once or twice a year.
I found the keys in the sixth bag. In the fifth bag, I found the letters from Ruben.- I'd have thought finding the letters would have given him pause than to keep going onto the sixth bag. Maybe rearrange this a little or explain why he went on looking. The fact that there's no further mention of the Lexus or the keys would suggest the keys were a storytelling device to get to the letters. Most folk would abandon the search at the moment. See what you think. It's a nbit of a dangling thread that needs sniped. He was to return the Lexus but there's no further mention of this or the new car.
I think you should delve deeper into the emotional aspect of what has transpired so far. We don't really get a sense of how he's feeling.
The letters you gave us had Spanish and English. Ruben wrote in English. Martine wrote in Spanish. Martine's letters were explicit and detailed. - I'd have thought that Frank may have noticed the different handwriting. Something to consider.
Personally, I'd remove the final three words. They're a bit redundant and undercuts to emotional current.
Just on a side note, how did Lovett manage to get Julia Roberts to marry him briefly? lol
All the best
G
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reply by the author on 25-Sep-2022
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Hi Terry,
I think you have the bones of a good tale here. It's a good start but I'd treat it like a draft rather than the finished article. I think you could push this a little more. The writing itself is spot on for the most part but you can develop this more. There's a couple of plot points which may need another look at to tie things up.
I made some notes as I read through-
There's a lot of clipped sentences early on (very short ones) You could vary these and make some of them longer, such as when you start the next one with a conjunctive.
Elodie and her friend Theresa traveled to Mexico every five or six months in the last few years- I think I'd be inclined to say once or twice a year.
I found the keys in the sixth bag. In the fifth bag, I found the letters from Ruben.- I'd have thought finding the letters would have given him pause than to keep going onto the sixth bag. Maybe rearrange this a little or explain why he went on looking. The fact that there's no further mention of the Lexus or the keys would suggest the keys were a storytelling device to get to the letters. Most folk would abandon the search at the moment. See what you think. It's a nbit of a dangling thread that needs sniped. He was to return the Lexus but there's no further mention of this or the new car.
I think you should delve deeper into the emotional aspect of what has transpired so far. We don't really get a sense of how he's feeling.
The letters you gave us had Spanish and English. Ruben wrote in English. Martine wrote in Spanish. Martine's letters were explicit and detailed. - I'd have thought that Frank may have noticed the different handwriting. Something to consider.
Personally, I'd remove the final three words. They're a bit redundant and undercuts to emotional current.
Just on a side note, how did Lovett manage to get Julia Roberts to marry him briefly? lol
All the best
G
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 25-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2022
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Thank you for reading.
Comment from Thomas Blanks
The Dilemma appears to be the first chapter of an unnamed book for the first chapter contest. However, this book would be quite short if I was the husband. All of her stuff would be on the curb. and there would be new locks on the doors. It's not a dilemma. It's nyetu problema. I know some Russian hit men that will go to Mexico.
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2022
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The Dilemma appears to be the first chapter of an unnamed book for the first chapter contest. However, this book would be quite short if I was the husband. All of her stuff would be on the curb. and there would be new locks on the doors. It's not a dilemma. It's nyetu problema. I know some Russian hit men that will go to Mexico.
Comment Written 25-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2022
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Thank you for reading, no more chapters, I don't have the talent to write a book like you. Terry.
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Dastardly clever!
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Thank you, sir! I hope to get back to reading on my kindle and if and when I do I plan on getting some of your books.
I like the stuff you put on FS, and you write in a genre I like.
A problem I have is reading books on FS. It is hard to keep up with the chapters and which book I am reading. So, I don't usually read the books.
And I am old and running out of time.
I wish I had your energy and ability. Terry.
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Thank you... And I also have the issue of following books on FS..
Regards,
Thomas
Comment from karenina
I'd live to tell you how I feel about this.
I don't know how I feel.
Love is complicated.
Honesty is not.
I know I waded deep into this story, and wonder how these two will cope.
I care. I think that makes this a good first chapter.
Your characters are conflicted and so am I-
Spouses often get over infidelity.
It's lack of trust that erodes the foundation.
Wow.
I'm intrigued.
Write that second chapter!
So many things to go wrong/or right!
Karenina
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2022
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I'd live to tell you how I feel about this.
I don't know how I feel.
Love is complicated.
Honesty is not.
I know I waded deep into this story, and wonder how these two will cope.
I care. I think that makes this a good first chapter.
Your characters are conflicted and so am I-
Spouses often get over infidelity.
It's lack of trust that erodes the foundation.
Wow.
I'm intrigued.
Write that second chapter!
So many things to go wrong/or right!
Karenina
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 25-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2022
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Karenina, thank you very much for reading. There will be no more chapters. Terry.
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Shucks. With so many of these first chapter entries my mom nd is leaping ahead to what could happen next...