Oblivion
A story about guilt33 total reviews
Comment from John Garvey
Powerful opening! I admire the metaphor "breaking like antique glass."
All too many people face situations and choices just like this. I haven't, but I have seen people ravaged by dementia. I'm sure people who face this dilemma feel guilt and ambivalence about it--such is the nature of many dilemmas. I hope if this is derived from personal experience you're not down on yourself about it.
The use of the word "murder" here is interesting because this doesn't legally or morally qualify as murder, but it vividly brings the narrator's guilt to life.
According to Word, this is 103 words. You could eliminate the words "Meanwhile" and "gently" from the first sentence in the third paragraph without sacrificing anything of substance, in my opinion. Then you could cut "tubes" (paragraph 2) or replace "the morning after" with "hours after" in the final paragraph. That's not as easy to call because that's substantive information. If, that is, you're being a stickler. Getting the word count right on the nose is a major challenge sometimes.
On another minor note, I don't know whether "transferral" is a real word. I was slightly (slightly, I emphasize) thrown by it.
The final paragraph is as powerful as the opening. I admired this story for the emotional depth and the amount of detail in so little space. Well done.
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2021
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Powerful opening! I admire the metaphor "breaking like antique glass."
All too many people face situations and choices just like this. I haven't, but I have seen people ravaged by dementia. I'm sure people who face this dilemma feel guilt and ambivalence about it--such is the nature of many dilemmas. I hope if this is derived from personal experience you're not down on yourself about it.
The use of the word "murder" here is interesting because this doesn't legally or morally qualify as murder, but it vividly brings the narrator's guilt to life.
According to Word, this is 103 words. You could eliminate the words "Meanwhile" and "gently" from the first sentence in the third paragraph without sacrificing anything of substance, in my opinion. Then you could cut "tubes" (paragraph 2) or replace "the morning after" with "hours after" in the final paragraph. That's not as easy to call because that's substantive information. If, that is, you're being a stickler. Getting the word count right on the nose is a major challenge sometimes.
On another minor note, I don't know whether "transferral" is a real word. I was slightly (slightly, I emphasize) thrown by it.
The final paragraph is as powerful as the opening. I admired this story for the emotional depth and the amount of detail in so little space. Well done.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 14-Jul-2021
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2021
Hi, John,
Thank you for reading the piece and writing those suggestions in detail.
Very respectfully,
J. P.
Comment from Susan Newell
This is heart-wrenching and the only way we can justify such actions is to ask,"What if it were me? What would I want my father to do out of love for me?" As medicine improves at prolonging life, it also prolongs suffering. There are no easy answers, but certainly refusing to end torture can not be seen as a sin. And torture is what those last days or even years can become. When technology interferes with the natural "time to die," it is somehow a perversion. You wrote an exceptional piece.
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2021
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This is heart-wrenching and the only way we can justify such actions is to ask,"What if it were me? What would I want my father to do out of love for me?" As medicine improves at prolonging life, it also prolongs suffering. There are no easy answers, but certainly refusing to end torture can not be seen as a sin. And torture is what those last days or even years can become. When technology interferes with the natural "time to die," it is somehow a perversion. You wrote an exceptional piece.
Comment Written 14-Jul-2021
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2021
Hi, Susan,
Thanks so much for reading my work and sharing those thoughts. I need to stop by and look at your work as you have been so kind to do for me.
Very sincerely,
J. P.
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You are welcome. My work ranges from serious to humorous to political to whatever. Prose, poetry, satire.
Comment from barbara.wilkey
WOW! This is a heart wrenching contest entry. Unfortunate one that happens way to often. Dad had a DNR order in place. When he had his last heartache Mom followed his wishes. That was 6 years and she still wonders if he's be alive if she had not. Anyway, Thank you for sharing and good luck with the contest.
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2021
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WOW! This is a heart wrenching contest entry. Unfortunate one that happens way to often. Dad had a DNR order in place. When he had his last heartache Mom followed his wishes. That was 6 years and she still wonders if he's be alive if she had not. Anyway, Thank you for sharing and good luck with the contest.
Comment Written 14-Jul-2021
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2021
Hi, barbara,
Thank you for coming by again, reading my stuff and taking the time to comment. It's very much appreciated.
Kindest regards,
J. P.
Comment from Jannypan (Jan)
It's an agonizing decision that stays forever with those left behind. Your contest entry reads well. I could see everything you wrote. Best wishes.
Respectfully, Jan
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2021
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It's an agonizing decision that stays forever with those left behind. Your contest entry reads well. I could see everything you wrote. Best wishes.
Respectfully, Jan
Comment Written 13-Jul-2021
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2021
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Hi, Jannypan,
Thank you so much for taking the time to read my story and commenting.
Very sincerely,
J. P.
Comment from amahra
Wow. I don't think I could have done that, or maybe so if it ended the suffering for someone I loved. But, still, that's a lot to process. I told my adult kids, if I ever got to a place where I did not recognize them, take me out of here.
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2021
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Wow. I don't think I could have done that, or maybe so if it ended the suffering for someone I loved. But, still, that's a lot to process. I told my adult kids, if I ever got to a place where I did not recognize them, take me out of here.
Comment Written 13-Jul-2021
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2021
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Hi, amahra,
Thanks for reading my story. Good to see you again!
Best wishes,
J. P.
Comment from DonandVicki
This short flash fiction has been written like a true story, because I.m sure it is played out on a daily basis. Your fiction reads like a true story. well written.
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2021
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This short flash fiction has been written like a true story, because I.m sure it is played out on a daily basis. Your fiction reads like a true story. well written.
Comment Written 13-Jul-2021
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2021
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Hi, DonandVicki,
Thank you for those kind remarks.
Warmest regards,
J. P.
Comment from Susan Larson
In my latest post I describe how in my son's final day in hospice. The doctor said he had at the most two months to live. He loved trains and I read him a poem about trains. I then told him to go ahead and take the train. He took his final train ride that night. It's tough. I hope your fiction never becomes fact.
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2021
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In my latest post I describe how in my son's final day in hospice. The doctor said he had at the most two months to live. He loved trains and I read him a poem about trains. I then told him to go ahead and take the train. He took his final train ride that night. It's tough. I hope your fiction never becomes fact.
Comment Written 13-Jul-2021
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2021
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Hi, Susan,
I'm so very, very so for your loss.
Deepest sympathies,
J. P.
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Thank you. Your story touched me. That?s what good writing is supposed to do
Comment from equestrik
This is a well presented entry for the '100 Word Flash Fiction' contest. It is creatively written. It is also tragic and sad which is often inviting to readers. Well done.
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2021
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This is a well presented entry for the '100 Word Flash Fiction' contest. It is creatively written. It is also tragic and sad which is often inviting to readers. Well done.
Comment Written 13-Jul-2021
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2021
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Hi, equestrik,
Thank you for taking the time to read the story and those comments.
All the best,
J. P.
Comment from Cogitator
My brother went through this horrendous hospice routine. Watching him deteriorate seemed hypocritical. "To be, or not to be, that is the question" is tough enough for our self to consider. To decide for a loved one is truly worth one night of oblivion...Just John
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2021
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My brother went through this horrendous hospice routine. Watching him deteriorate seemed hypocritical. "To be, or not to be, that is the question" is tough enough for our self to consider. To decide for a loved one is truly worth one night of oblivion...Just John
Comment Written 13-Jul-2021
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2021
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Hi, John,
You . . . get it.You never really let yourself off the hook?.
Thank you,
J.P.
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(Sorry, John,
Another random question mark. Replies on the PC from now on....)
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Letting go is hard but necessary.
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
That is so very sad, JP, it's a terrible way to end your life like this, and many people are. I understand the guilt, but also understand why it had to be that way. No one wants to live like that, and I would want to know that my sons end my husband would let me go. Amazing story. I wish you good luck in the contest. Well done. :)) Sandra xx
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2021
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That is so very sad, JP, it's a terrible way to end your life like this, and many people are. I understand the guilt, but also understand why it had to be that way. No one wants to live like that, and I would want to know that my sons end my husband would let me go. Amazing story. I wish you good luck in the contest. Well done. :)) Sandra xx
Comment Written 13-Jul-2021
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2021
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Thank you so very much for those kind words, Sandra.
Very sincerely,
J.P.