Traveling Incognito
This can only happen to an oddball33 total reviews
Comment from Elizabeth Emerald
Startling twist! I think I'd do the same thing--didn't know anyone else who would prefer to leave the past as it was--I dread the prospect of running into a ghost of my past, even a friendly one. Stunning piece, masterfully narrated!
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2021
  |
Startling twist! I think I'd do the same thing--didn't know anyone else who would prefer to leave the past as it was--I dread the prospect of running into a ghost of my past, even a friendly one. Stunning piece, masterfully narrated!
Comment Written 04-Jun-2021
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2021
-
Ahh, thank you kindly, Elizabeth, for your enjoyable review and thoughts. Yes, the past is right where it should be, in the past.
I really appreciate your lovely comments. Means the world to me!
Have a great weekend,
Senyai
-
Ahh, thank you kindly, Elizabeth, for your enjoyable review and thoughts. Yes, the past is right where it should be, in the past.
I really appreciate your lovely comments. Means the world to me!
Have a great weekend,
Senyai
Comment from Begin Again
You wrote a very interesting and intriguing story... it has me wondering why she wants to remain the oddball, keeping Ron in the past and what happened in adulthood. Have a great day!
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2021
|
You wrote a very interesting and intriguing story... it has me wondering why she wants to remain the oddball, keeping Ron in the past and what happened in adulthood. Have a great day!
Comment Written 03-Jun-2021
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2021
-
Hi Begin,
Thanks for your lovely review and thoughts on my work. They are both very appreciated!
Have a great weekend,
Senyai
Comment from Jane Graille
This is a sweetly told story. I concur that some life moments need to stay encapsulated to preserve the integrity of the memory. Physically revisiting a place or reconnecting with a person isn't always for the best.
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2021
|
This is a sweetly told story. I concur that some life moments need to stay encapsulated to preserve the integrity of the memory. Physically revisiting a place or reconnecting with a person isn't always for the best.
Comment Written 03-Jun-2021
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2021
-
Hi Jane,
Thank you for such a lovely review and insightful thoughts on my work.
Yes, memories have a way of being what we are today.
All the best,
Senyai
Comment from amahra
This was beautiful writing. I must be an oddball too or why do I, somehow, understand why it is so important for her to keep Ron fifteen? I think it's because good and innocent childhood memories are so important to dwell on when the adult world we're living in gets a bit much. At least, that's my take.
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2021
|
This was beautiful writing. I must be an oddball too or why do I, somehow, understand why it is so important for her to keep Ron fifteen? I think it's because good and innocent childhood memories are so important to dwell on when the adult world we're living in gets a bit much. At least, that's my take.
Comment Written 03-Jun-2021
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2021
-
Hi Amahra,
Thank you for your thoughts on my little story... you are spot on with my intended meaning. Your insightful review made my day :-)
All the best,
Senyai
Comment from Susan Newell
This is a terrific story and you write some beautiful imagery. We all need some of our youth to stay just as it was, and you've expressed that well with your story. For that you get five stars.
On the other hand, it feels rushed because there are numerous SPAGs that interrupt the story. That makes it difficult and time-consuming to give a good critical review and may cause some readers to just skip reviewing. Your story deserves better, and so do your readers.
Here are some suggestions.
mixed with weeds growing -- not parallel, need words like "aroma of weeds" (scent and weeds don't go together)
I sensed a breeze of cigar smoke, -- sensed a cloud? This just doesn't seem right. If he blew it in your face, you should say so.
I looked up to a tall man looking down at me. -- repetitive. Use "staring" for the second one?
I searched the broadly smiling features who had a body with an outstretched hand. -- features don't have a body -- suggest: features of the man who . . .
My mind, an attack dog with an oversized amygdala, scanned my -- minds don't scan; eyes do. Suggest: My eyes, controlled by a mind like an attack dog . . .
trying to place the vaguely familiar. -- you need an object for your preposition. Familiar what? Face?
Three years my junior and just a boy down the street. -- incomplete sentence
"Do I know you?" but I did know him. ==> But
"Ron Henley" ==> Henley."
Odd seeing this finely built man that used to be a lanky boy. -- incomplete sentence.
Rose Minton." his voice carried ==> His voice
" No, Rita Johnson." but I smiled ==> But I -- also have an extra space before No
He studied me quietly backing into a booth several booths away. -- Was he studying you backing into a booth? Suggest: he continued to study me while he quietly backed . . .
he'd look up from his dinner and stared at me ==> stare
room for the night with the door ==> night, with
fabric of my childhood and held me up into the oddball I was today. -- as the oddball?
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2021
|
This is a terrific story and you write some beautiful imagery. We all need some of our youth to stay just as it was, and you've expressed that well with your story. For that you get five stars.
On the other hand, it feels rushed because there are numerous SPAGs that interrupt the story. That makes it difficult and time-consuming to give a good critical review and may cause some readers to just skip reviewing. Your story deserves better, and so do your readers.
Here are some suggestions.
mixed with weeds growing -- not parallel, need words like "aroma of weeds" (scent and weeds don't go together)
I sensed a breeze of cigar smoke, -- sensed a cloud? This just doesn't seem right. If he blew it in your face, you should say so.
I looked up to a tall man looking down at me. -- repetitive. Use "staring" for the second one?
I searched the broadly smiling features who had a body with an outstretched hand. -- features don't have a body -- suggest: features of the man who . . .
My mind, an attack dog with an oversized amygdala, scanned my -- minds don't scan; eyes do. Suggest: My eyes, controlled by a mind like an attack dog . . .
trying to place the vaguely familiar. -- you need an object for your preposition. Familiar what? Face?
Three years my junior and just a boy down the street. -- incomplete sentence
"Do I know you?" but I did know him. ==> But
"Ron Henley" ==> Henley."
Odd seeing this finely built man that used to be a lanky boy. -- incomplete sentence.
Rose Minton." his voice carried ==> His voice
" No, Rita Johnson." but I smiled ==> But I -- also have an extra space before No
He studied me quietly backing into a booth several booths away. -- Was he studying you backing into a booth? Suggest: he continued to study me while he quietly backed . . .
he'd look up from his dinner and stared at me ==> stare
room for the night with the door ==> night, with
fabric of my childhood and held me up into the oddball I was today. -- as the oddball?
Comment Written 03-Jun-2021
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2021
-
Hi Susan,
Thanks for your very concise and insightful review. I really appreciate you taking the time to add all the suggestions and corrections. I will take them into consideration.
All the best,
Senyai
Comment from Jannypan (Jan)
You did a good job with your contest entry. I enjoyed reading it. I like the way the ending played out. Memories can be great most of the time. I was engaged from start to finish to find out the outcome. I like the twist at the end. Best wishes.
Thanks for sharing.
Respectfully, Jan
reply by the author on 02-Jun-2021
|
You did a good job with your contest entry. I enjoyed reading it. I like the way the ending played out. Memories can be great most of the time. I was engaged from start to finish to find out the outcome. I like the twist at the end. Best wishes.
Thanks for sharing.
Respectfully, Jan
Comment Written 02-Jun-2021
reply by the author on 02-Jun-2021
-
Hi Jan,
Thanks for your lovely review and interesting take on my little story. Yes, this could only happen to one oddball, me.
All the best,
Senyai
Comment from Alaskastory
"Traveling Incognito" holds a main character who seems to have an odd reaction to her old hometown, and to Ron. The story stirs up all sorts of questions about her. I feel it is at the beginning to a much longer and fine story. I hope that is something soon coming.
reply by the author on 02-Jun-2021
|
"Traveling Incognito" holds a main character who seems to have an odd reaction to her old hometown, and to Ron. The story stirs up all sorts of questions about her. I feel it is at the beginning to a much longer and fine story. I hope that is something soon coming.
Comment Written 02-Jun-2021
reply by the author on 02-Jun-2021
-
Hi,
Thank you for your lovely review! You are very kind.
Yes, I was mulling over a continuation of this story..
All the best,
Comment from Judy Lawless
This is an interesting story about a chance meeting with an old childhood friend. You've used some good descriptions to show us where you were and how you felt, but I don't understand why you didn't want to be known. Maybe you could expand on that?
I have a few other suggestions, for what they're worth:
"For(After) about 400 miles in that direction, I drove into a truck stop's gravel drive and crunched into a parking spot." - replace for with after
"hot-white" - one compound word
"I felt a breeze of cigar smoke, oily denim and leather boots." - I don't know how you could feel a breeze of cigar smoke, etc. Perhaps try, "My nose detected the scent of cigar smoke, ...)
Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 02-Jun-2021
|
This is an interesting story about a chance meeting with an old childhood friend. You've used some good descriptions to show us where you were and how you felt, but I don't understand why you didn't want to be known. Maybe you could expand on that?
I have a few other suggestions, for what they're worth:
"For(After) about 400 miles in that direction, I drove into a truck stop's gravel drive and crunched into a parking spot." - replace for with after
"hot-white" - one compound word
"I felt a breeze of cigar smoke, oily denim and leather boots." - I don't know how you could feel a breeze of cigar smoke, etc. Perhaps try, "My nose detected the scent of cigar smoke, ...)
Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 02-Jun-2021
reply by the author on 02-Jun-2021
-
Thanks Judy, for a very insightful review and suggestions that I will consider. Your input is truly appreciated. I am in your debt.
All the best,
Senyai
-
Thanks Judy, for a very insightful review and suggestions that I will consider. Your input is truly appreciated. I am in your debt.
All the best,
Senyai
Comment from Erika Seshadri
This is quite nice. It shows your unique writing style quite well. I loved lines such as: "Every now and then, he'd look up from his dinner and stare at me wondering how Rita Johnson had swallowed up Rose Minton over the years." and "I hugged the overly crisp pillow..."
The one thing I will say--there are a few mistakes that would benefit from plugging this piece into a website like grammarly.com
Just a few things here and there. For example:
fire flies is a compound word --> fireflies
"I could have sworn..". he retreated, puzzled. --> The period should be inside the quotation marks with the other dots.
Excellent story, though. Cheers!
reply by the author on 02-Jun-2021
|
This is quite nice. It shows your unique writing style quite well. I loved lines such as: "Every now and then, he'd look up from his dinner and stare at me wondering how Rita Johnson had swallowed up Rose Minton over the years." and "I hugged the overly crisp pillow..."
The one thing I will say--there are a few mistakes that would benefit from plugging this piece into a website like grammarly.com
Just a few things here and there. For example:
fire flies is a compound word --> fireflies
"I could have sworn..". he retreated, puzzled. --> The period should be inside the quotation marks with the other dots.
Excellent story, though. Cheers!
Comment Written 02-Jun-2021
reply by the author on 02-Jun-2021
-
Hi Erika,
Oh, I am thankful for your help on grammar issues. They have always been my weak point. I will correct.
Insightful and very helpful review. It is appreciated!
All the best,
Senyai
-
Hi Erika,
Oh, I am thankful for your help on grammar issues. They have always been my weak point. I will correct.
Insightful and very helpful review. It is appreciated!
All the best,
Senyai
Comment from Pj Dennison
Rose valued her childhood memories more than catching up with the man that was the fifteen-year-old who fawned over her. She didn't want anything to ruin the memory of those firefly nights and the sweetness of childhood. This story has an interesting theme of holding on to what you have that is sacred as it becomes the framework of who you are. I imagine those things of nature, celestial heavens and mystical things play a dominant part of your life. Maybe it started from the firefly.
reply by the author on 02-Jun-2021
|
Rose valued her childhood memories more than catching up with the man that was the fifteen-year-old who fawned over her. She didn't want anything to ruin the memory of those firefly nights and the sweetness of childhood. This story has an interesting theme of holding on to what you have that is sacred as it becomes the framework of who you are. I imagine those things of nature, celestial heavens and mystical things play a dominant part of your life. Maybe it started from the firefly.
Comment Written 02-Jun-2021
reply by the author on 02-Jun-2021
-
Hi PJ,
You nailed my meaning for this little piece. Thanks for such an insightful review and interesting thoughts.
Very much appreciated!
Have a great rest of your week,
Senyai
-
You are welcome. Have a great week.
-
Hi PJ,
You nailed my meaning for this little piece. Thanks for such an insightful review and interesting thoughts.
Very much appreciated!
Have a great rest of your week,
Senyai
-
You too!
-
Thank you