Betrayal
Viewing comments for Chapter 25 "Betrayal Chapter 25"In the title.
38 total reviews
Comment from JudyE
More very sound writing with Grant 'taking care of business'. It's lucky he has plenty of money. lol
Just a few thoughts:
Tania's wide smile when he walked into the kitchen, tugged at Grant's heart. - I might have rearranged this slightly. Perhaps 'When he walked into the kitchen, Tania's wide smile tugged at Grant's heart.
First, she cleared away the table and then took her cakes out of the oven. - delete with 'and' or 'then'
'Now you've arrived, Tania and I want to know what's going on, don't we?' she said turning to Tania. - comma after 'said'
Grant and Jeff each pulled out a chair and sat with the ladies at the table. Then three pairs of eyes turned their attention to Grant. - Maybe 'After pulling out chairs, Grant and Jeff sat with the ladies at the table.'
He sighed as he faced Tania and captured her eyes. - maybe '... and caught her eye'.
Grant went on to explain to both the women everything he'd been told. - I don't think 'to both the women' is necessary. The other three can all hear what he's saying so maybe 'Grant went on to explain everything he'd been told.' If you leave it as is, delete 'the'
'I'm sorry, Monica, but that isn't an option, not when your life could be in danger.' Grant was adamant. - I might have reversed these two sentences.
'I won't go anywhere knowing you could be in danger, Monica, I know what he's capable of now. - period after 'Monica'
Tania had a flashback of Colin's twisted face as he raised that table leg to hit her again and shuddered. - maybe 'Tania had a flashback of Colin's twisted face and the table leg smashing down at her. She shuddered.'
'You can't stay here, I won't let you, Monica. - period after 'here'
I have to agree with both Grant and Tania, you can't stay here on your own. - period after 'Tania'
'You'll know when we get there. Get some clothes together, lightweight, it's warm where we're going. - period after 'lightweight'
'Sure thing. I'll just help myself to one of these nice muffins here,' he said, already picking one up before Monica could stop him. - how about 'he said, snatching one before Monica could stop him.'
And having my latest prodigy with me so that we can get to know each other better, is a bonus!' - comma after 'and'
Best wishes
Judy
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2021
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More very sound writing with Grant 'taking care of business'. It's lucky he has plenty of money. lol
Just a few thoughts:
Tania's wide smile when he walked into the kitchen, tugged at Grant's heart. - I might have rearranged this slightly. Perhaps 'When he walked into the kitchen, Tania's wide smile tugged at Grant's heart.
First, she cleared away the table and then took her cakes out of the oven. - delete with 'and' or 'then'
'Now you've arrived, Tania and I want to know what's going on, don't we?' she said turning to Tania. - comma after 'said'
Grant and Jeff each pulled out a chair and sat with the ladies at the table. Then three pairs of eyes turned their attention to Grant. - Maybe 'After pulling out chairs, Grant and Jeff sat with the ladies at the table.'
He sighed as he faced Tania and captured her eyes. - maybe '... and caught her eye'.
Grant went on to explain to both the women everything he'd been told. - I don't think 'to both the women' is necessary. The other three can all hear what he's saying so maybe 'Grant went on to explain everything he'd been told.' If you leave it as is, delete 'the'
'I'm sorry, Monica, but that isn't an option, not when your life could be in danger.' Grant was adamant. - I might have reversed these two sentences.
'I won't go anywhere knowing you could be in danger, Monica, I know what he's capable of now. - period after 'Monica'
Tania had a flashback of Colin's twisted face as he raised that table leg to hit her again and shuddered. - maybe 'Tania had a flashback of Colin's twisted face and the table leg smashing down at her. She shuddered.'
'You can't stay here, I won't let you, Monica. - period after 'here'
I have to agree with both Grant and Tania, you can't stay here on your own. - period after 'Tania'
'You'll know when we get there. Get some clothes together, lightweight, it's warm where we're going. - period after 'lightweight'
'Sure thing. I'll just help myself to one of these nice muffins here,' he said, already picking one up before Monica could stop him. - how about 'he said, snatching one before Monica could stop him.'
And having my latest prodigy with me so that we can get to know each other better, is a bonus!' - comma after 'and'
Best wishes
Judy
Comment Written 14-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2021
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Thank you again, Judy! I've been right through them and changed a couple of paragraphs completely. Sometimes it needs someone to point out something that writers miss, as was the case here with the lightweight clothes....: ?You?ll know when we get there. Pack some lightweight clothes because you'll find it a lot warmer where we?re going. Jeff, can you hang on here while I go and sort the rest out??
Thank you again, my friend. Your reviews and time are so appreciated. Warm hugs. Sandra xxx
Comment from royowen
I've never travelled first class, only been able to press my nose to the glass, looking longingly at pure luxury, only my son in law travels first class as a bank executive, just think, he was a working class student when he married my daughter, I had faith though. I loved this episode, and I thought it was over when Colin was beaten up by grant, you are very clever Sandra, well done, blessings Roy
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2021
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I've never travelled first class, only been able to press my nose to the glass, looking longingly at pure luxury, only my son in law travels first class as a bank executive, just think, he was a working class student when he married my daughter, I had faith though. I loved this episode, and I thought it was over when Colin was beaten up by grant, you are very clever Sandra, well done, blessings Roy
Comment Written 14-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2021
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You and me, both, Roy. I'd love to be able to see what it's like to travel first class, and, perhaps in a private jet? Hmm, I can't see that happening at my age. Thank you, dear friend, for your lovely review, I'm delighted you loved this part. Sending you a special hug and love. Sandra xxx
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Clever girl, when your books take off, you?ll fly first class, and have a private jet.
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Lol, I wish! I'm too old for such wishful thinking! I'll settle for a nice comfy automatic car so my painful knee can have a rest. :))
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That?s sounds nice
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Give it to me, I?ll come and visit, heh heh
Comment from Jay Squires
A fab chapter, Sandra. Of course, your devoted readers know it won't be all sunbathing and romancing. Something's going to happen.
Oh, and Lorna. I trust her implicitly.' [Um... methinks he trusts her a bit too much! But we'll have to wait to find out ... won't we? It seems that early on in your novel she goofed on something, but it was forgiven. But I may be wrong.]
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2021
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A fab chapter, Sandra. Of course, your devoted readers know it won't be all sunbathing and romancing. Something's going to happen.
Oh, and Lorna. I trust her implicitly.' [Um... methinks he trusts her a bit too much! But we'll have to wait to find out ... won't we? It seems that early on in your novel she goofed on something, but it was forgiven. But I may be wrong.]
Comment Written 14-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2021
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Thank you so much for that shiny sixth star, my dear Jay. I'm so pleased you enjoyed this part. Now for some relief in the Bahamas. (I wish I could be there.) But, as you say, it might not be all sunbathing and romancing!! LOL. Sending you a hug, my friend. :)) Sandra xxx
I think you might have mixed Lorna up with Tania? Lorna is a middle-aged lady who has been with the company longer than Grant. She was employed by his grandfather and is a company director. xxxx
Comment from Iza Deleanu
Mmm finally on a romantic holiday with holding hands under the sun and enjoying the refreshing water. Thank you for making this chapter so interesting and romantic
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2021
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Mmm finally on a romantic holiday with holding hands under the sun and enjoying the refreshing water. Thank you for making this chapter so interesting and romantic
Comment Written 14-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2021
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LOL, you romantic lady! Thank you so much, Iza, for your lovely comments. Let's see if you're right! Warm hugs, my friend. :)) Sandra xxx
Comment from Jannypan (Jan)
enjoyed reading and reviewing this chapter, Sandra. It has a lot of action and intrigue in it. The dialogue works well, too.
I have a couple of questions:
Why did you use single quotation marks instead of double marks for the conversations?
Also, I'm wondering about these lines. [Please ignore if I'm wrong.]
a.s.a.p--->usually written asap
I'll phone you with news as [ as soon as possible. [and when I know anything. could you delete this part?']
away her newfound assurance. [ new-found ]
Before she could answer, the doorbell went, and Monica was out of the kitchen in a flash. [maybe this is UK English--but do you need to say the doorbell went off or the doorbell rang]
'That's fine. I'll be back soon.' And with that, he turned on his
heel [ heels ] and left.
Thanks for sharing.
Respectfully, Jan
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2021
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enjoyed reading and reviewing this chapter, Sandra. It has a lot of action and intrigue in it. The dialogue works well, too.
I have a couple of questions:
Why did you use single quotation marks instead of double marks for the conversations?
Also, I'm wondering about these lines. [Please ignore if I'm wrong.]
a.s.a.p--->usually written asap
I'll phone you with news as [ as soon as possible. [and when I know anything. could you delete this part?']
away her newfound assurance. [ new-found ]
Before she could answer, the doorbell went, and Monica was out of the kitchen in a flash. [maybe this is UK English--but do you need to say the doorbell went off or the doorbell rang]
'That's fine. I'll be back soon.' And with that, he turned on his
heel [ heels ] and left.
Thanks for sharing.
Respectfully, Jan
Comment Written 14-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2021
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Good morning, Jan! Thank you so very much for this lovely, helpful review. I really appreciate it. I've changed it to, asap, and taken out the periods. I don't know why I put them in!
I always use the single quotation marks, that's what they use in the UK. I don't know why they changed. If you read Pantygynts books, he uses single, too.
Newfound - that's the correct spelling, but I did double-check on Google. You can use, newly found, but I try to keep out the ly words as much as possible.
The last one, he turned on his heel [ heels ] and left.
I wrote it with heels a few months ago and was picked up by a few people on here. One said, have you tried turning on your heels? You turn on one heel and the other one is in the air ready to march forward. I tried it, and they were right! Lol.
Thank you so much, my dear friend, for all this. I'm going to change the other errors you found for me, thanks so much for that.
Have a lovely day, warm hugs. Sandra xxx
Comment from robyn corum
Sandra,
Oh, no! Being stuck together on a secluded island! Whatever will they do?!! Horror of horrors!
Hmmm... Maybe they'll think of something. I'm cheering for them, anyway. hahahaha Nice stuff!
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2021
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Sandra,
Oh, no! Being stuck together on a secluded island! Whatever will they do?!! Horror of horrors!
Hmmm... Maybe they'll think of something. I'm cheering for them, anyway. hahahaha Nice stuff!
Comment Written 14-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2021
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I know! Can you think of anything worse than being stuck on an island in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy, handsome man? Goodness me!! Lol. Thank you so much, dear friend, for this lovely, fun review. Warm hugs! Have a lovely day. Sandra xxx
Comment from Ric Myworld
Oh, whee, holiday on the beach with a new babe for Grant, and a billionaire suiter bitten by the bug wanting to whoo Tania. Get ready folks, the fireworks are about to start, or Colin causes chaos all over again. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2021
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Oh, whee, holiday on the beach with a new babe for Grant, and a billionaire suiter bitten by the bug wanting to whoo Tania. Get ready folks, the fireworks are about to start, or Colin causes chaos all over again. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 14-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2021
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Lol, you lovely man. I think you are a real romantic at heart. Let's see if you are right. Thank you so much for another of your lovely, fun reviews, and all those star. What a lovely present to wake up to. Lots of love and hugs, my friend. :)) Sandra xxx
Comment from damommy
A sigh of relief. He got Tania away and Monica guarded before anything could happen. However, I don't believe Colin is through yet. And with his mother's help, there's no telling what's next.
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2021
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A sigh of relief. He got Tania away and Monica guarded before anything could happen. However, I don't believe Colin is through yet. And with his mother's help, there's no telling what's next.
Comment Written 14-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2021
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Now to see how they get on together, there's nowhere for Tania to run now. Not that I'd want to if I were her! Lol. Thank you so much, dear SATP, for another of your lovely reviews, and the 6th-star award! Sending you loads of love and hugs! :)) Sandra xx
Comment from Ulla
Ah that sounds like a lovely wee escape. A private island in the Bahamas no less. I can't fault it. It's a great chapter and the urgency comes through loud and clear. Now, I wonder what is going to happen? As you know, I love this story. A big hug. Ulla xxx
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2021
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Ah that sounds like a lovely wee escape. A private island in the Bahamas no less. I can't fault it. It's a great chapter and the urgency comes through loud and clear. Now, I wonder what is going to happen? As you know, I love this story. A big hug. Ulla xxx
Comment Written 14-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2021
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Thank you so very much for the lovely sixth star, Ulla, and wonderful review! I'm glad you enjoyed this part. The calm before the storm, in more ways than one! Lol. Warm hugs, my friend. :)) Sandra xxx
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I'm looking forward to what's next. xx
Comment from Pam (respa)
-An excellent chapter, my friend.
-It is nice to see pieces starting
to fall into place and taking a
positive direction.
-The conversation at Tania's place
was a combination of serious and
trying to be more light hearted, but
both women could see the look on
Grant's face indicating all was not good.
-But the muffins were a different story-
it was good to see a bit of banter.
-It sounds like they have a good plan
with Jeff staying with Monica, and
Tania going somewhere, and what
a somewhere it was, too!
-I like her reaction to the seat
on the plane being better than her sofa.
-I like the conclusion, too, and will
look forward to seeing them in the Bahamas!
-Well done!
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2021
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-An excellent chapter, my friend.
-It is nice to see pieces starting
to fall into place and taking a
positive direction.
-The conversation at Tania's place
was a combination of serious and
trying to be more light hearted, but
both women could see the look on
Grant's face indicating all was not good.
-But the muffins were a different story-
it was good to see a bit of banter.
-It sounds like they have a good plan
with Jeff staying with Monica, and
Tania going somewhere, and what
a somewhere it was, too!
-I like her reaction to the seat
on the plane being better than her sofa.
-I like the conclusion, too, and will
look forward to seeing them in the Bahamas!
-Well done!
Comment Written 14-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2021
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Yes, I'd love to be flown off in a private jet, how wonderful that would be. I'm so pleased you enjoyed this part, Pam, and the way I mixed the mood between serious and a touch of light-hearted. Next week we land in the Bahamas! Thank you for the lovely sixth star, my friend, and another of your fabulous reviews. Always appreciate you. Warm hugs and love, Sandra xx
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You are very welcome and deserving of the stars and review, Sandra. I forget whose plane they showed on t.v., and it was like a penthouse. I am ready for the Bahamas!! Hugs back to you, too.