Betrayal
Viewing comments for Chapter 11 "Betrayal Chapter 11"In the title.
45 total reviews
Comment from JudyE
You're doing a great job here of making Grant Blake sound a very reasonable person, simply by his actions and behaviour. Let's hope he and Tania get together eventually.
I do have a few suggestions:
A sudden meltingpot of emotions, the like she'd never known before, bubbled over and held her by the throat. - should 'melting pot' be two words? And I might have said either 'like she'd never ...' or 'the like of which she'd never ..'
It couldn't have been long after that tragic day when, at just three-years-old, Tania became an orphan. - I might have said 'at just three years of age'.
but they had that in bucket-loads - 'bucketloads' doesn't need a hyphen.
When it was discovered there were no other relatives, Monica's parents tried to adopt her. The Social, however, had other ideas, - I might have added something to 'The Social' as it won't mean much to those in other countries. The Social ??? or 'the welfare agency'?
Colin Harding has kidnapped Tania Russel, - typo - Russell
Might I suggest that if Miss Russell hasn't turned up by this evening, you come into the station, bringing with you in a good photograph. - delete 'in' or better 'bringing with you a good photograph'.
Also make a list of your reasons why you think this Mr Harding would have kidnapped her. - I would delete 'your reasons'
Your assumption that it's all over a few drawings, doesn't really make me feel I should put this on high alert.' - delete comma after 'drawings'
Monica went and sat down as her mind tossed the thought around - delete 'went and'
'What's the problem here?' Grant asked in a quiet calm manner, seeing the lady was clearly distraught. - maybe 'As the lady was clearly distraught, Grant asked, in a quiet, calm manner, 'What's the problem here?'
'I don't know about, infamous, but, yes, I'm Grant Blake. - delete comma after 'about'
What did you want to see me about, that was so urgent, you couldn't make an appointment?' - delete comma after 'urgent'
Grant looked across at Margaret, raising an eyebrow and received a tilted head and shrug back. - comma after 'eyebrow' and maybe 'received back a tilted head and shrug'
Grant was ahead of her, and steered her over to the chair. He looked up at Margaret. 'Bring this lady a glass of water, will you, Margaret.' - question mark after 'Margaret'
'Wait here, I'll be back in a moment and you can tell me what you know.' - period after 'here'
Returning to his office, Grant gave his board members a brief explanation - at the beginning, Grant is meeting with clients; now it's board members. I don't think they'd be classed as 'clients'.
Thanks for an interesting read.
Judy
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2020
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You're doing a great job here of making Grant Blake sound a very reasonable person, simply by his actions and behaviour. Let's hope he and Tania get together eventually.
I do have a few suggestions:
A sudden meltingpot of emotions, the like she'd never known before, bubbled over and held her by the throat. - should 'melting pot' be two words? And I might have said either 'like she'd never ...' or 'the like of which she'd never ..'
It couldn't have been long after that tragic day when, at just three-years-old, Tania became an orphan. - I might have said 'at just three years of age'.
but they had that in bucket-loads - 'bucketloads' doesn't need a hyphen.
When it was discovered there were no other relatives, Monica's parents tried to adopt her. The Social, however, had other ideas, - I might have added something to 'The Social' as it won't mean much to those in other countries. The Social ??? or 'the welfare agency'?
Colin Harding has kidnapped Tania Russel, - typo - Russell
Might I suggest that if Miss Russell hasn't turned up by this evening, you come into the station, bringing with you in a good photograph. - delete 'in' or better 'bringing with you a good photograph'.
Also make a list of your reasons why you think this Mr Harding would have kidnapped her. - I would delete 'your reasons'
Your assumption that it's all over a few drawings, doesn't really make me feel I should put this on high alert.' - delete comma after 'drawings'
Monica went and sat down as her mind tossed the thought around - delete 'went and'
'What's the problem here?' Grant asked in a quiet calm manner, seeing the lady was clearly distraught. - maybe 'As the lady was clearly distraught, Grant asked, in a quiet, calm manner, 'What's the problem here?'
'I don't know about, infamous, but, yes, I'm Grant Blake. - delete comma after 'about'
What did you want to see me about, that was so urgent, you couldn't make an appointment?' - delete comma after 'urgent'
Grant looked across at Margaret, raising an eyebrow and received a tilted head and shrug back. - comma after 'eyebrow' and maybe 'received back a tilted head and shrug'
Grant was ahead of her, and steered her over to the chair. He looked up at Margaret. 'Bring this lady a glass of water, will you, Margaret.' - question mark after 'Margaret'
'Wait here, I'll be back in a moment and you can tell me what you know.' - period after 'here'
Returning to his office, Grant gave his board members a brief explanation - at the beginning, Grant is meeting with clients; now it's board members. I don't think they'd be classed as 'clients'.
Thanks for an interesting read.
Judy
Comment Written 07-Dec-2020
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2020
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AW, thank you, Judy, this was so kind of you. I've gone through them and will do my corrections now. I'm so pleased you enjoyed this part, and how Grant is starting to come across. You've made my day! Warm hugs, my friend. :)) Sandra xxx
Comment from Goodadvicechan
This is uninteresting story. I want to find out more about Tania and Harding. The whole chapter describes how worried Monica was about the missing of Tania. Love relationship is a mystery and can not be explained. Love can generate a lot of energy and power. I do believe Monica will eventually find Tania.
Good story.
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2020
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This is uninteresting story. I want to find out more about Tania and Harding. The whole chapter describes how worried Monica was about the missing of Tania. Love relationship is a mystery and can not be explained. Love can generate a lot of energy and power. I do believe Monica will eventually find Tania.
Good story.
Comment Written 07-Dec-2020
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2020
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Hello Chan, than you so much for coming along and reading my story. I really appreciate that, and hope you come along again! Warm hugs, Sandra xx
Comment from l.raven
are you kidding...forget thanking Nancy...I read all the way to the bottom of the page...looking for a hit...and got Nancy...by the way she's a very talented writer...and sweet person...
and with Tania missing ...Monica goes to sleep on Tania's settee...whatever the hail that is...OMG...she should've taken the shoe and went straight to the police station...
and the one she was talking to on the phone...I would've told her...if anything happens to my sister...I'll own everything you have...and then some...
I'm glad she went to Grant...but still not sure I trust him...I mean his getting rich with Colin...why does he need Tania???...
and I still couldn't find the aliens...maybe I should call that same police station...and tell them the aliens are missing...hmmmmmmm...
Hi Sandra, you truly have gotten a handle on this writing stuff...what a great chapter my amazing friend...
can hardly wait for the next one...and you can tell me...whisper...where's Tania????...and don't say the aliens took her...soooooooo very well written beautiful girl...love you the mostest...Linda xxoo
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2020
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are you kidding...forget thanking Nancy...I read all the way to the bottom of the page...looking for a hit...and got Nancy...by the way she's a very talented writer...and sweet person...
and with Tania missing ...Monica goes to sleep on Tania's settee...whatever the hail that is...OMG...she should've taken the shoe and went straight to the police station...
and the one she was talking to on the phone...I would've told her...if anything happens to my sister...I'll own everything you have...and then some...
I'm glad she went to Grant...but still not sure I trust him...I mean his getting rich with Colin...why does he need Tania???...
and I still couldn't find the aliens...maybe I should call that same police station...and tell them the aliens are missing...hmmmmmmm...
Hi Sandra, you truly have gotten a handle on this writing stuff...what a great chapter my amazing friend...
can hardly wait for the next one...and you can tell me...whisper...where's Tania????...and don't say the aliens took her...soooooooo very well written beautiful girl...love you the mostest...Linda xxoo
Comment Written 06-Dec-2020
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2020
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Do you know, that was the first question I asked Monica before she fell asleep. Why didn't you take the shoe to the police??? Guess what her answer was, 'Oh I forgot!!' What??? You just can't get the characters these days! LOL!!
Oh, the aliens ... I think they popped off on holiday to Mars when they got wind of you calling the police station!! LOL
Thank you so very much my wonderful friend, for another of you incredibly funny reviews. I always look forward to reading them. :)) I think I owe you an e-mail. If I don't, I'll still send you one. :))
Love you lots, my lovely friend. Say hello to Noah and Abby for me. :)) Sandra xxxxxx
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LOL...she forget...sure...selective amnesia...hmmmmm...
and you talked to Monica...well I guess that's ok as long as your not buying Christmas gifts for them...
and you my amazing friend...are sooooooo welcome...loads of love back at you...and lots of smiles...I will...and say hi to Ian for me...xxoo
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One of these days I'm going suggest we do a Skype, MSN, or a Zoom, so we can have a good old giggle together. How do you feel about that? I'd love to meet you, and that would be the only way I'd be able to do it. I'm too old to travel that distance now with my poor disintergrating bones.
I'll even let you see me with the extra 5000 pounds I've gained since the virus started!!!!! Yes, I always mention you to Ian, it really cheers him up. Heaping loads of love on you! xxxx
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I facetime with the kids...but I Skyped years ago...I'll get back to you...going to run to the store and the post office...I'll take your 5000 pounds to my mixed gray/white hair...and all these new wrinkles I get everyday...sigh...this growing old stuff is NOOOOOOO fun...later you...bunches of love...xxoo
Comment from Robert Zimmerman
Hello Sandra.
You have moved Monica into the position of the detective.
At this point in the story, we do not know what happened to Tonia but it looks like Monica will be getting help from Grant. It's an interesting twist to see Tonia's closest friend and foster sister really plunge into the investigation.
His history of having been in the SAS, shows me the thinking process of Grant. Unless he is corrupt, he has a penchant for getting to the truth of actions and issues. It will be interesting to see where the story goes from here. The involvement of Grant will become a major role...I think.
Robert
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2020
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Hello Sandra.
You have moved Monica into the position of the detective.
At this point in the story, we do not know what happened to Tonia but it looks like Monica will be getting help from Grant. It's an interesting twist to see Tonia's closest friend and foster sister really plunge into the investigation.
His history of having been in the SAS, shows me the thinking process of Grant. Unless he is corrupt, he has a penchant for getting to the truth of actions and issues. It will be interesting to see where the story goes from here. The involvement of Grant will become a major role...I think.
Robert
Comment Written 06-Dec-2020
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2020
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Yes, Grant definitely be a major role player, and you're right, being in the SAS, truth is a big factor in his life. Monica will do anything to get Tania back, so intersting times ahead. Thank you for your continued support, Robert, your reviews are great and mean a lot. Warm hugs, my friend. :)) Sandra xx
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You're very welcome Sandra.
Comment from Carol Hillebrenner
You have a very interesting story going here. I was once a member of SF/Fantasy workshop and this taught me to look for nits, as you call them, ad Infinium. First, I would suggest anytime you use a word that ends in -ly, you need to see if you verb can be changed to reflect the thought without using an adverb. You said she stood on the red shoe. You can hardly stand on a shoe but you can stumble into it or kick it and notice it. I saw two "withouts" within 5 words of each other. My thought was, if she fell asleep in Tania's apartment wouldn't she, upon awakening first think maybe Tania had come home. After she sees the empty bedroom, she can give way to despair and then anger and then turn her fury on the millionaire. Your dialogue was pretty good and Monica's anger makes sense as does the confusion in the office as she might not have been thinking clearly. Keep up the good work.
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2020
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You have a very interesting story going here. I was once a member of SF/Fantasy workshop and this taught me to look for nits, as you call them, ad Infinium. First, I would suggest anytime you use a word that ends in -ly, you need to see if you verb can be changed to reflect the thought without using an adverb. You said she stood on the red shoe. You can hardly stand on a shoe but you can stumble into it or kick it and notice it. I saw two "withouts" within 5 words of each other. My thought was, if she fell asleep in Tania's apartment wouldn't she, upon awakening first think maybe Tania had come home. After she sees the empty bedroom, she can give way to despair and then anger and then turn her fury on the millionaire. Your dialogue was pretty good and Monica's anger makes sense as does the confusion in the office as she might not have been thinking clearly. Keep up the good work.
Comment Written 06-Dec-2020
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2020
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Hello Carol,
Welcome to Fanstory, I'm sure you'll love it here. Thank you so much for going through this part. I hadn't noticed the two 'withouts' but there won't be two in a minute!
AIso, the 'ly' I had find and replace, and there were 17 adverbs, 4x family. Those you can't alter, but I'm going to rearange them so I can get rid of a couple. Only, early, and really, accounted for three of them. I'm sure I can get rid of some of the others. I'll check through the other 10 chapters. Sometimes the adverb is needed, but I agree, some can be changed for better adjectives or verbs.
Thank you again for your thorough review. I really appreciated it. Warm hugs, Sandra xx
Comment from Elizabeth Emerald
Gripping--can't wait till they catch the SOB!
a few hours sleep=>hours' sleep
melting pot is two words
miniscule=>pref. minuscule
three years old=>no hyphens--hyphenate adj (three-year-old boy) or noun (he is a three-year-old)
Cap. Hollow Voice when used as name.
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2020
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Gripping--can't wait till they catch the SOB!
a few hours sleep=>hours' sleep
melting pot is two words
miniscule=>pref. minuscule
three years old=>no hyphens--hyphenate adj (three-year-old boy) or noun (he is a three-year-old)
Cap. Hollow Voice when used as name.
Comment Written 06-Dec-2020
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2020
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Thank you so much, Liz. Your help is really appreciated. I'm so pleased you are still enjoying my story. Have a lovely week! Warm hugs, my friend. Sandra xx
Comment from Cindy Warren
Once he knows the whole story, hopefully Grant will be able to convince the police to get involved. I'm sure once he hears what Monica has to say, it won't take him long to put it all together.
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2020
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Once he knows the whole story, hopefully Grant will be able to convince the police to get involved. I'm sure once he hears what Monica has to say, it won't take him long to put it all together.
Comment Written 06-Dec-2020
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2020
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I'm sure it will give him pause for thought, Cindy, in more ways than one. Thank you so much, my friend, for another lovely review. I'm glad you're still enjoying my story. Have a lovely week! :)) Sandra xxx
Comment from royowen
I'm wondering if at last Colin has made a fatal error in his judgement, and greed has become his fatalistic problem, and it's turned from industrial espionage to a crime that is considered a capital one in a lot of countries, this a wonderful episode.. great twist on Monica being a coloured girl, and a blotch on white society, well done, blessings Roy
Typo : When (a) hollow voice put it...
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2020
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I'm wondering if at last Colin has made a fatal error in his judgement, and greed has become his fatalistic problem, and it's turned from industrial espionage to a crime that is considered a capital one in a lot of countries, this a wonderful episode.. great twist on Monica being a coloured girl, and a blotch on white society, well done, blessings Roy
Typo : When (a) hollow voice put it...
Comment Written 06-Dec-2020
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2020
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Isn't that always the way of it? Colin is not a nice person, as you will find out. This is a lovely review, Roy, you are such a supportive friend, and I really appreciate you. Sending you a warm hug, and lots of love. Have a lovely week. Sandra xxx
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Well done Friend Sandra.
Comment from blondie560
Ah Sandra you did it again! Just when I'm salivating over the way the story is going, you give us another cliffhanger! I'm glad Monica remembered that all this started with Tania being accused of being a thief. It will be interesting to see how Grant proceeds. Another great chapter Sandra! Have a lovely week!
Sally
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2020
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Ah Sandra you did it again! Just when I'm salivating over the way the story is going, you give us another cliffhanger! I'm glad Monica remembered that all this started with Tania being accused of being a thief. It will be interesting to see how Grant proceeds. Another great chapter Sandra! Have a lovely week!
Sally
Comment Written 06-Dec-2020
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2020
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Thank you so much, Sally, for another fabulous review. It's so nice to know you are still enjoying my story. You have a lovely week, too, my friend. Warm hugs. Sandra xxx
Comment from Colin John
Hi Sandra, I really enjoyed reading this follow up chapter, full of mytery and intrigue and whodunnits like Agither Cristie and sherlock holmes and not forgetting to miss Marple. Cheers Colin xx
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2020
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Hi Sandra, I really enjoyed reading this follow up chapter, full of mytery and intrigue and whodunnits like Agither Cristie and sherlock holmes and not forgetting to miss Marple. Cheers Colin xx
Comment Written 06-Dec-2020
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2020
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Thank you so much for the lovely six stars, Colin and your kind review. Miss Marple, now there was a sleuth I admired. Margaret Rutherford was my favourite, and she came from London. I think she was the first Miss Marple? Thanks for comparing my story to her! :)) Warm hugs, my friend. :)) Sandra xx
How are the twins? Any pictures yet?
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You are welcome Sandra x
Pictures soon lol x