Aaron's Dragons
Viewing comments for Chapter 16 "The Lake"An aging knight finds a clutch of dragon eggs
14 total reviews
Comment from Suzanna Ray
Dear Author, without even looking at the list of characters, I was able to follow this story. ( although I was glad that most of the little dragons are named after colors, ) I am also glad that you used the device of spacing your paragraphs out to show time frame, as it spreads out the action a bit. However if you ever want to publish it in book form, you are going to need a good illustrator so it can go into the children's section of the library. I am not sure if the readers at story time, will appreciate all the stinky poop. Is it necessary for development of action or info about the characters in the story?
reply by the author on 03-Nov-2019
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Dear Author, without even looking at the list of characters, I was able to follow this story. ( although I was glad that most of the little dragons are named after colors, ) I am also glad that you used the device of spacing your paragraphs out to show time frame, as it spreads out the action a bit. However if you ever want to publish it in book form, you are going to need a good illustrator so it can go into the children's section of the library. I am not sure if the readers at story time, will appreciate all the stinky poop. Is it necessary for development of action or info about the characters in the story?
Comment Written 03-Nov-2019
reply by the author on 03-Nov-2019
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Thanks. In the last chapter, two of them ate a mushroom after being told not to and got sick. I promise to leave the poop out of the pictures!
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Good episode. I like how you handled the battle with the intruders. Aaron is a skilled old man, and Duane and Mountain helped to save them all. They make a good team. But if the men come back with reinforcements... well, I'll wait and see. :)
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reply by the author on 03-Nov-2019
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Good episode. I like how you handled the battle with the intruders. Aaron is a skilled old man, and Duane and Mountain helped to save them all. They make a good team. But if the men come back with reinforcements... well, I'll wait and see. :)
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Comment Written 03-Nov-2019
reply by the author on 03-Nov-2019
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Thanks. Don't worry, Aaron and Dylan see it coming.
Comment from Alex Rosel
I enjoyed reading this, although dragons and such like aren't really my preference when it comes to fiction.
Here are a couple of points you might like to consider:
They stared at him in anguished disbelief, but didn't have the look of someone who had seen something supernatural. -- There's a bit of a disjoint here. "They stared at him" is plural. "Didn't have the look of someone" is singular. If this was mine I'd nix the "look of someone" and use something like:
"They stared at him in anguished disbelief, but didn't display any indication of having witnessed anything supernatural."
"A dozen guys and only three swords between them?" Dylan asked. -- I like this snippet of dialogue. It adds to Aaron's characterization, and also helps to define the nature of the relationship between Aaron and Dylan {thumbs up}.
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reply by the author on 03-Nov-2019
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I enjoyed reading this, although dragons and such like aren't really my preference when it comes to fiction.
Here are a couple of points you might like to consider:
They stared at him in anguished disbelief, but didn't have the look of someone who had seen something supernatural. -- There's a bit of a disjoint here. "They stared at him" is plural. "Didn't have the look of someone" is singular. If this was mine I'd nix the "look of someone" and use something like:
"They stared at him in anguished disbelief, but didn't display any indication of having witnessed anything supernatural."
"A dozen guys and only three swords between them?" Dylan asked. -- I like this snippet of dialogue. It adds to Aaron's characterization, and also helps to define the nature of the relationship between Aaron and Dylan {thumbs up}.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 03-Nov-2019
reply by the author on 03-Nov-2019
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Thanks. I'll have to take another look at that line. Your suggestion is a good one.
Comment from tfawcus
Another good chapter, Cindy. The fight scene worked well and the dragons are continuing to show their individuality. Nice touches of humour in the repartee, and some interesting foreshadowing of future events.
The only part I was a bit dubious about was the sudden appearance of Dylan. How did he get his invitation? If by supernatural means, wouldn't that have alerted him to the fact that something strange was going on?
reply by the author on 03-Nov-2019
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Another good chapter, Cindy. The fight scene worked well and the dragons are continuing to show their individuality. Nice touches of humour in the repartee, and some interesting foreshadowing of future events.
The only part I was a bit dubious about was the sudden appearance of Dylan. How did he get his invitation? If by supernatural means, wouldn't that have alerted him to the fact that something strange was going on?
Comment Written 03-Nov-2019
reply by the author on 03-Nov-2019
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Thanks! Aaron burnt a bunch of green wood in order to create a lot of smoke, knowing Dylan would see it. Of course it was a bit of a risk, because someone else could have seen it too.
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I added a line to make it more clear. Thanks for letting me know it wasn't.