Chip's Poetry
Viewing comments for Chapter 9 "Timeless"FanStory Collection
66 total reviews
Comment from Steve Harsin
That's a really wonderful Haiku. I'm up against you in this contest, and your post is a reminder I probably should have selected an image. My bad. I think it makes your work stronger.
Anyway, I appreciate your work. Thank you for sharing it!
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2019
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That's a really wonderful Haiku. I'm up against you in this contest, and your post is a reminder I probably should have selected an image. My bad. I think it makes your work stronger.
Anyway, I appreciate your work. Thank you for sharing it!
Comment Written 17-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2019
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Thanks, Steve, and good luck to you!
Comment from Mia Twysted
Very to the point and shows the dream that many people have or wish they had. Wanting to slow things down so that they can have more time to enjoy the things that are around them.
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2019
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Very to the point and shows the dream that many people have or wish they had. Wanting to slow things down so that they can have more time to enjoy the things that are around them.
Comment Written 17-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2019
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Indeed...thanks, Mia!
Comment from moongirlwriter
How I love making sandcastles at the ocean's edge. Those days were so carefree. Now I am far away from the ocean and when I am there, I prefer watching the children playing in the sand and building their sandcastles.
Nice job of th 5-7-5 prompt. Good luck to you in the contest.
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2019
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How I love making sandcastles at the ocean's edge. Those days were so carefree. Now I am far away from the ocean and when I am there, I prefer watching the children playing in the sand and building their sandcastles.
Nice job of th 5-7-5 prompt. Good luck to you in the contest.
Comment Written 17-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2019
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Thanks so much, Moongirl!
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:)
Comment from Earl Corp
Isn't it bad that you would build castles on the sand? I always thought it meant you wouldn't be able to buold anything permanent. But like sand through the hourglass goes the days of our lives. Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2019
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Isn't it bad that you would build castles on the sand? I always thought it meant you wouldn't be able to buold anything permanent. But like sand through the hourglass goes the days of our lives. Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 17-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2019
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Thanks, Earl.
Comment from Robert Zimmerman
Hey Chip: I read a lot of 5-7-5 that are words thrown together. Poetry should be like a song or a short story. That's a cool story so I'll give you 5 stars. Good work. -Robert-
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2019
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Hey Chip: I read a lot of 5-7-5 that are words thrown together. Poetry should be like a song or a short story. That's a cool story so I'll give you 5 stars. Good work. -Robert-
Comment Written 17-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2019
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I appreciate it, Robert!
Comment from Raul1
I like how you structured this poem. It feels as if children are building sand castles. Nice work! No grammatical errors. Good luck in the contest! Excellent work!
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2019
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I like how you structured this poem. It feels as if children are building sand castles. Nice work! No grammatical errors. Good luck in the contest! Excellent work!
Comment Written 16-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2019
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Thank you, Raul!
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You're welcome.
Comment from dragonpoet
Yes, we all need to slow down and remember our dreams and try to build them. I wish I could build a sand castle like that.
Good luck in the contest.
Keep writing
~dragonpoet
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2019
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Yes, we all need to slow down and remember our dreams and try to build them. I wish I could build a sand castle like that.
Good luck in the contest.
Keep writing
~dragonpoet
Comment Written 16-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2019
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I do too...thanks, dp!
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My pleasure.
dp
Comment from flylikeaneagle
Chip: yes, sands of time move on quickly.
I like your sand castle. My daughters and I
spent lots of time playing in the sand boxes.
Time moves on. Have a blessed weekend.
flylikeaneagle
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2019
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Chip: yes, sands of time move on quickly.
I like your sand castle. My daughters and I
spent lots of time playing in the sand boxes.
Time moves on. Have a blessed weekend.
flylikeaneagle
Comment Written 15-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2019
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Thanks, eagle!
Comment from kiwisteveh
I enjoyed the rhyme and rhythmic flow of this - not easy to achieve in this form.
Then there's the message - perhaps what most of us would really wish for, more time to do the stuff that we enjoy.
There is a little ambiguity in the last line - who is the 'you'? It could be the sands of time addressed in line 1, but then does it make sense. Perhaps it is for some longed for beauty who will be tempted by your castle-building prowess, but not so keen if the castle has been washed away by the tide - another personification of relentless time.
Steve
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2019
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I enjoyed the rhyme and rhythmic flow of this - not easy to achieve in this form.
Then there's the message - perhaps what most of us would really wish for, more time to do the stuff that we enjoy.
There is a little ambiguity in the last line - who is the 'you'? It could be the sands of time addressed in line 1, but then does it make sense. Perhaps it is for some longed for beauty who will be tempted by your castle-building prowess, but not so keen if the castle has been washed away by the tide - another personification of relentless time.
Steve
Comment Written 15-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2019
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Indeed, thanks, Steve!
Comment from catch22
Hello Poet, this is a good use of the form and syllable count is correct; however, "sands of time" is a cliché phrase. In such a short poem, I would try to use more original phrasing or sensory imagery to make an impact. Nonetheless, I wish you well in the contest.
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2019
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Hello Poet, this is a good use of the form and syllable count is correct; however, "sands of time" is a cliché phrase. In such a short poem, I would try to use more original phrasing or sensory imagery to make an impact. Nonetheless, I wish you well in the contest.
Comment Written 15-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2019
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Thank you, catch! Better to start with a cliché and support it with imagery/personification than to end with one, I feel. That's if one is compelled to use one in the first place, of course;^)
