Perennials of War
Viewing comments for Chapter 106 "Chapter Zweiunddreissig part eins"Is Anderson a gallant knight? Can he recover Shan
21 total reviews
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
I have to say that I found this instalment a little repetitive in terms of content. They've sort of been over this before and it just seems to be going round and round.
"He's a cat?" Anderson's eyes widened. - struck me more of a statement than a question.
reply by the author on 03-Dec-2018
  |
Hi there,
I have to say that I found this instalment a little repetitive in terms of content. They've sort of been over this before and it just seems to be going round and round.
"He's a cat?" Anderson's eyes widened. - struck me more of a statement than a question.
Comment Written 03-Dec-2018
reply by the author on 03-Dec-2018
-
I will take care of that question mark. I appreciate your input.
Comment from Mastery
Hi, Barbara. This is yet another good addition to our book
I can see some interesting new avenues that may result from the action and dialogue in this chapter, my friend.
Suggestions if i may: We have covered this territory a couple of times before, where i have pointed out that you should put the action ahead of the tag or subsequent follow up. Example here: She released a deep breath. "Ready for the s'mores?" She handed him a skewer. (can you see how you have this with action, then question, then action again. Unfortunately ou do this a lot, my friend and I am only trying to help you. this should rea like so:
"She released a deep breath and handed him a skewer. "Ready for the s'mores?" (see the difference?)
And try to get rid of the lazy verb "walked." You tend to use it a lot. There are so many better, stronger ways of expressing this move, like"he edged over to the table" etc.
And lastly, these two sentences should be split up, I think since one has nothing to do with the other. What do you think?
Happy Holidays, Bob
reply by the author on 08-Dec-2018
|
Hi, Barbara. This is yet another good addition to our book
I can see some interesting new avenues that may result from the action and dialogue in this chapter, my friend.
Suggestions if i may: We have covered this territory a couple of times before, where i have pointed out that you should put the action ahead of the tag or subsequent follow up. Example here: She released a deep breath. "Ready for the s'mores?" She handed him a skewer. (can you see how you have this with action, then question, then action again. Unfortunately ou do this a lot, my friend and I am only trying to help you. this should rea like so:
"She released a deep breath and handed him a skewer. "Ready for the s'mores?" (see the difference?)
And try to get rid of the lazy verb "walked." You tend to use it a lot. There are so many better, stronger ways of expressing this move, like"he edged over to the table" etc.
And lastly, these two sentences should be split up, I think since one has nothing to do with the other. What do you think?
Happy Holidays, Bob
Comment Written 02-Dec-2018
reply by the author on 08-Dec-2018
-
Sorry it took so long to answer this. I have made the corrections, I hope. Thank you for the help.
-
:) Bob
Comment from rama devi
It's hard to comments on such a short section of a chapter in terms of plot but the pacing and characterization and sentence mechanics are fine. Just one suggestion:
* Anderson grinned, and then faced the patio door.
Better pacing if you remove the comma and THEN:
Anderson grinned and faced the patio door.
Love,
rd
reply by the author on 08-Dec-2018
|
It's hard to comments on such a short section of a chapter in terms of plot but the pacing and characterization and sentence mechanics are fine. Just one suggestion:
* Anderson grinned, and then faced the patio door.
Better pacing if you remove the comma and THEN:
Anderson grinned and faced the patio door.
Love,
rd
Comment Written 02-Dec-2018
reply by the author on 08-Dec-2018
-
Thank you for the help. I've made the corrections.
Comment from Sasha
Shana keeps giving Drew the same message but he isn't going to listen to her. He needs to stand his ground and show his respect for her beliefs. I honestly believe in the end, he will win her over.
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2018
|
Shana keeps giving Drew the same message but he isn't going to listen to her. He needs to stand his ground and show his respect for her beliefs. I honestly believe in the end, he will win her over.
Comment Written 02-Dec-2018
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2018
-
I think Shana is beginning to soften. HMm, we'll wait and see. Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Shana has already explained. Drew just doesn't want to accept it. To him, religion is not enough to override the power of love. To Shana, her father still comes first as the man in her life. She needs to grow up and look to her future. Daddy won't be around forever. She needs to replace him in her life... it's the way nature planned it.
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2018
|
Shana has already explained. Drew just doesn't want to accept it. To him, religion is not enough to override the power of love. To Shana, her father still comes first as the man in her life. She needs to grow up and look to her future. Daddy won't be around forever. She needs to replace him in her life... it's the way nature planned it.
Comment Written 02-Dec-2018
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2018
-
I promise Shana will wake up, but what will it take. HMMM, Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from judiverse
Nice touch with the cat. I think Shana's being a bit of a drama queen. She's being a bit of a drama queen. If she truly thinks she and Drew will never be a couple, she should not equivocate. She is free to leave, and maybe she could get protection from the police. She's making it harder by staying around. Of course when it comes down to it, she really doesn't want to leave him. Maybe something dramatic will make her realize she and Drew can make things work, despite the different religions. I'll be curious to see what will finally give her a resolution. judi
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2018
 |
Nice touch with the cat. I think Shana's being a bit of a drama queen. She's being a bit of a drama queen. If she truly thinks she and Drew will never be a couple, she should not equivocate. She is free to leave, and maybe she could get protection from the police. She's making it harder by staying around. Of course when it comes down to it, she really doesn't want to leave him. Maybe something dramatic will make her realize she and Drew can make things work, despite the different religions. I'll be curious to see what will finally give her a resolution. judi
Comment Written 02-Dec-2018
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2018
-
Something dramatic does happen and she realizes how important Drew is to her. Thank you for the kind review.
-
You're welcome. I'll be so anxious to see what it is! judi
Comment from Ulla
Hi Barbara, I liked this chapter a lot and it's cute about the wee kitten. But Shana is still procrastinating. Will she ever get in? No, I don't think so. I think it's maybe time for Drew to see the writing on the wall. He needs to move on. All the best. Ulla:)))
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2018
|
Hi Barbara, I liked this chapter a lot and it's cute about the wee kitten. But Shana is still procrastinating. Will she ever get in? No, I don't think so. I think it's maybe time for Drew to see the writing on the wall. He needs to move on. All the best. Ulla:)))
Comment Written 02-Dec-2018
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2018
-
We'll wait and see what happens. Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from c_lucas
Sometimes a hungry kitten will work better than flowers. This is very well written.
Error
"I already know what you're going to say. What you want can't happen."
"Please explain why not." (Two different characters. Line break needed.)
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2018
|
Sometimes a hungry kitten will work better than flowers. This is very well written.
Error
"I already know what you're going to say. What you want can't happen."
"Please explain why not." (Two different characters. Line break needed.)
Comment Written 02-Dec-2018
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2018
-
I will correct that. I also just realized the photo didn't come through. Need to fix that too. Thank you.
-
You're welcome.
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
These parts are necessary if they are going to feel natural, and this does. I'm looking forward to the action coming up. I'm sure things will work out for Drew and Shana, if they don't there is going to be two very miserable people living long and lonely lives. Well done again, my friend. :)) Sandra xx
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2018
|
These parts are necessary if they are going to feel natural, and this does. I'm looking forward to the action coming up. I'm sure things will work out for Drew and Shana, if they don't there is going to be two very miserable people living long and lonely lives. Well done again, my friend. :)) Sandra xx
Comment Written 02-Dec-2018
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2018
-
Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Tootsie55
Another good chapter. Plenty of emotion and slowly, slowly getting closer methinks. Love the cat. I am a cat person. Just one miss this time. "Drew, why (are) you holding the kitten? Doesn't she like him?" Geoff here working on building up the funny money for another promotion of the Trip book.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2018
|
Another good chapter. Plenty of emotion and slowly, slowly getting closer methinks. Love the cat. I am a cat person. Just one miss this time. "Drew, why (are) you holding the kitten? Doesn't she like him?" Geoff here working on building up the funny money for another promotion of the Trip book.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 02-Dec-2018
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2018
-
Thank you for the kind review.