Perennials of War
Viewing comments for Chapter 81 "Chapter Funfundzwanzig Part eins"Is Anderson a gallant knight? Can he recover Shan
22 total reviews
Comment from apky
Except for my remarks and comments below, you delivered another chapter full of action and excellent pacing.
Family members rushed outside as Anderson shoved the knife into the Bezrukov's chest. ~ Is Bezrukov a noun/name or an adjective? If it's a noun/name, you need to delete the determiner)
Jeff studied Anderson's arm and offered a towel. "He got you pretty good. Was he looking for Shana?"(I would delete this second question or formulate it differently. Jeff is responsible for security; asking if the man was looking for Shana sounds not only odd for chief of security but also makes him sound stupid and incompetent. But that's just my take.) After Anderson nodded, Jeff walked to the body and checked it. "We don't have to worry about him anymore."
Also, you need to make Shana's creeping behind the man with the clay pot and hitting him on the head more believable. Is the man short/is Shana taller? I found myself asking how she did that without anybody noticing her. Was she hiding behind something, for example? Again, just my take.
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2018
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Except for my remarks and comments below, you delivered another chapter full of action and excellent pacing.
Family members rushed outside as Anderson shoved the knife into the Bezrukov's chest. ~ Is Bezrukov a noun/name or an adjective? If it's a noun/name, you need to delete the determiner)
Jeff studied Anderson's arm and offered a towel. "He got you pretty good. Was he looking for Shana?"(I would delete this second question or formulate it differently. Jeff is responsible for security; asking if the man was looking for Shana sounds not only odd for chief of security but also makes him sound stupid and incompetent. But that's just my take.) After Anderson nodded, Jeff walked to the body and checked it. "We don't have to worry about him anymore."
Also, you need to make Shana's creeping behind the man with the clay pot and hitting him on the head more believable. Is the man short/is Shana taller? I found myself asking how she did that without anybody noticing her. Was she hiding behind something, for example? Again, just my take.
Comment Written 11-Jun-2018
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2018
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I had originally stated shoved the knife into the man's chest, then decided I needed to name the man and forgot to take 'the' out. I have corrected it and have deleted Jeff's question. I will work on the second suggestion. I had figured Bezrukov was so locked in on Drew that he never expected Shana to show up. I will continue to work on it. Thank you for the help.
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Always delighted to help, Barbara.
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I'd also change "shoved" - which is too 'weak' for a man - to "drove" the knife...
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Good suggestion. I have fixed it.
Comment from Sankey
Top chapter, again. The drama and suspense with action has just stepped up a shade. Absolutely great writing once again. New angle for Shana as well. Keep up the great story telling. If FS says this review is too short they better watch out!
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2018
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Top chapter, again. The drama and suspense with action has just stepped up a shade. Absolutely great writing once again. New angle for Shana as well. Keep up the great story telling. If FS says this review is too short they better watch out!
Comment Written 11-Jun-2018
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2018
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from giraffmang
With so much security it's a wonder first how they found them and second got through. It makes for a good break and some drama/action in the proceedings.
It dazed him enough that he tumbled to the ground. - maybe change this around. he tumbled (crumpled?) to the ground in a daze.
Anderson shoved the knife into the Bezrukov's chest - delete 'the' from here.
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2018
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With so much security it's a wonder first how they found them and second got through. It makes for a good break and some drama/action in the proceedings.
It dazed him enough that he tumbled to the ground. - maybe change this around. he tumbled (crumpled?) to the ground in a daze.
Anderson shoved the knife into the Bezrukov's chest - delete 'the' from here.
Comment Written 11-Jun-2018
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2018
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I have deleted the. I will address how he got around in the next few posts. I will fix the tumbled. I wondered about that myself. I appreciate the suggestion. Thank you for the help.
Comment from Ulla
Wow, Barbara, there was a lot of action to this chapter.Poor Shana has never been around violence let alone weapons and it shows.
A suggestion. Was he after Shana?" After Anderson nodded, Jeff walked to the body and checked it. This grated a bit. Two 'after' just after another. All the best. Ulla:)))
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2018
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Wow, Barbara, there was a lot of action to this chapter.Poor Shana has never been around violence let alone weapons and it shows.
A suggestion. Was he after Shana?" After Anderson nodded, Jeff walked to the body and checked it. This grated a bit. Two 'after' just after another. All the best. Ulla:)))
Comment Written 10-Jun-2018
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2018
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I changed the first one. Thank you for the catch.
Comment from c_lucas
A person not used to violence has difficulty in defending themselves from it. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very dramatic read.
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2018
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A person not used to violence has difficulty in defending themselves from it. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very dramatic read.
Comment Written 10-Jun-2018
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2018
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Thank you for the kind review.
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You're welcome.
Comment from judiverse
Definitely a six-star. Lots of action in this with Anderson wounded and one of the Russian's men killed. The police are on the scene, and they'll need to question Shana. They suspect another of the Russian's men may also be inside the perimeter. If they were able to get in, makes me think that someone in Anderson's circle is working with the Russians. Great suspense. Just a thought--I'm wondering about Anderson's dogs. They'd be perfect to help guard the ranch. judi
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2018
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Definitely a six-star. Lots of action in this with Anderson wounded and one of the Russian's men killed. The police are on the scene, and they'll need to question Shana. They suspect another of the Russian's men may also be inside the perimeter. If they were able to get in, makes me think that someone in Anderson's circle is working with the Russians. Great suspense. Just a thought--I'm wondering about Anderson's dogs. They'd be perfect to help guard the ranch. judi
Comment Written 10-Jun-2018
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2018
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Thank you for the review. Drew's dogs are on their way. LOL
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You're welcome. The dogs were a great addition. judi
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They will return in a couple of weeks.
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Those dogs could be a big help! judi
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They will be and they will cause some funny situations.
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I enjoyed the dogs when they appeared earlier. judi
Comment from Ben Colder
I'm not sure about this. You mixed it up but somehow I read a weakness in the plot. Don't ask me where, but many questions arise. Why is security weak at the main home. The prayer scene, not sure about. Somehow, something does not fit. It is losing strength. Go back and check the last chapter and see where you are. I say this because something just don't fit. Perhaps it's just me.
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2018
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I'm not sure about this. You mixed it up but somehow I read a weakness in the plot. Don't ask me where, but many questions arise. Why is security weak at the main home. The prayer scene, not sure about. Somehow, something does not fit. It is losing strength. Go back and check the last chapter and see where you are. I say this because something just don't fit. Perhaps it's just me.
Comment Written 10-Jun-2018
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2018
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I will see what I am missing. Thank you for the kind review.
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I address the weakness in security in a few following posts. I will again recheck everything.
Comment from royowen
Poor Anderson is wounded in his encounter with Bezrokov, but worse things happened to Buzrekov...he's dead. Zakery catches Shana praying beside her bed, and they pray together. Anderson tells Shana she'll have to put up with questioning by the police. Shana say, "never" to Zackery's suggestion she should arm herself. Well done, Barbara, excellent scribing. Well done, blessings, Roy
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2018
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Poor Anderson is wounded in his encounter with Bezrokov, but worse things happened to Buzrekov...he's dead. Zakery catches Shana praying beside her bed, and they pray together. Anderson tells Shana she'll have to put up with questioning by the police. Shana say, "never" to Zackery's suggestion she should arm herself. Well done, Barbara, excellent scribing. Well done, blessings, Roy
Comment Written 10-Jun-2018
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2018
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Thank you for the encouraging review.
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Welcome Barbara
Comment from Gert sherwood
Hello Barb
You made this chapter so exacting with action. I had to force myself to slow down.
Of course your endings of all the chapters I have read you left me wondering what is going to happen next
Gert
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2018
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Hello Barb
You made this chapter so exacting with action. I had to force myself to slow down.
Of course your endings of all the chapters I have read you left me wondering what is going to happen next
Gert
Comment Written 10-Jun-2018
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2018
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Thank you for the encouragement.
Comment from rama devi
This drew me right in with the action packed first paragraph. As usual, great pacing and characterization and dialog. Good descriptive detail...just enough to bring the scenes to life.
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Moments later(,) they finished, and Shana sat on the bed.
Love,
rd
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2018
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This drew me right in with the action packed first paragraph. As usual, great pacing and characterization and dialog. Good descriptive detail...just enough to bring the scenes to life.
*
Moments later(,) they finished, and Shana sat on the bed.
Love,
rd
Comment Written 10-Jun-2018
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2018
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You mean on one comma mishap??? YEAH!!!! I will get right on it.
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Only one comma mishap noticed! You're improving. Love, rd