Comment from rama devi

Excellent

I like how this captures the scene like a poetic snapshot. I also applaud your fantastic phonetics with all the S, W, R and M sounds plus B and cousin sound P consonance, plus consonance of C-K and T as well. Sounds super read aloud. I like the word economy, especially in lines one and there. Love the echoed SW sounds in the closing two lines.

Fine work. Not nits. You chose punctuation well for this. Dramatic presentation!


Enjoyed. Bravo

Warmly, rd

 Comment Written 13-Apr-2018

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reply by the author on 13-Apr-2018

Hi rd, thank you. I find these Japanese forms very difficult, but I thought I'd try this one using Jim's notes. I love watching crows fly at dusk because I know they're heading to their chosen place to roost - home for the night. They pick a different place every night - love how smart they are :)
hugs,
Carol

reply by rama devi on 14-Apr-2018

Big hugs! :-)))

Comment from Dawn Munro

Excellent

What a WONDERFUL tanka! This should have been a contest entry, IMHO. My only nit (and it is minor) is the use of "sooty" as an adjective, simply because it makes me think of coal dust flying off their wings - I know you meant it as a color description though, and perhaps it's my own pickiness... But I am completely enraptured otherwise, and feel that all the requirements of the form have been met and soar!

 Comment Written 13-Apr-2018

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reply by the author on 13-Apr-2018

Hi, thank you! I guess I like the word sooty because crows are SO black in color. They are such neat birds, even though they harass the hawks for some reason. I appreciate your review very much :))
Carol

Comment from Ulla

Excellent

Hi Carol. I think this is a wonderful attempt on the tanka form. You seem to have got it down to perfection. I loved it and with great imagery. It's great to see you back. All the best. Ulla:)))

 Comment Written 13-Apr-2018

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reply by the author on 13-Apr-2018

Thanks, Ulla. I'm sort of back. I'm out of the swing of writing and reviewing and just trying to ease into it :))
Carol

Comment from Linda Engel

Excellent

Crows are such perfect writing subjects. Their movement, color, demeanor all gives a writer room to take their wings in a lot of directions. You gave your crows such personality as you mold the movement into one cover of darkness. Good Tanka. Well done. So glad to see you still on FS and so many of the people i was following have left or seldom post.

 Comment Written 13-Apr-2018

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reply by the author on 13-Apr-2018

Thanks for the welcome back, I think it's hard to keep up the energy for FS without a break. But it gets to easy to NOT write so I'm trying to get into it again. I do think crows have tons of personality - they are such smart birds :))
Carol

Comment from royowen

Excellent

The crow and the Raven both are symbols of the night, and you've nailed this one Carol, as this bird personifies the night. Good to see you back, albeit only a short visit, well done, blessings, Roy

 Comment Written 13-Apr-2018

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reply by the author on 13-Apr-2018

Hi Roy, yes it's short, I am easing back into writing again. These crows are headed to their roosting spot for the night - apparently that's what they're doing when you see a big, noisy flock go by :))
Carol

reply by royowen on 13-Apr-2018

Well done

reply by royowen on 13-Apr-2018

Good to see you Carol.

Comment from Joan E.

Excellent

I enjoyed the scene you captured, and even without the picture, I could visualize the loud, dark birds. Your alliteration of "s's" adds to the intensity of the tanka. Cheers- Joan

 Comment Written 13-Apr-2018

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reply by the author on 13-Apr-2018

Hi Joan, I was trying not to use TOO much alliteration as you're not supposed to in the tanka form. It's hard not to! I like watching the crows, even though they are often noisy :)

Carol

reply by Joan E. on 14-Apr-2018

I have the same problem with alliteration! Fortunately, we have regular crow visits in Malibu too. Smiles- Joan

Comment from humpwhistle

Excellent

I'm not a tanka tout, but I think you've nailed it.
Nice haiku-ish beginning, then a deft pivot.
Subtle alliteration with sooty, sky, swirl and swift.
Also, good word selection.

Well done.

Peace, Lee

 Comment Written 13-Apr-2018

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reply by the author on 13-Apr-2018

Thanks, Lee. I find these Japanese forms too "particular" to want to do them often. I'm glad you like this one!

Carol

Comment from Katya

Excellent

I like this very very much! I'm not expert enough on the tanka form to critique it for form [though i think you got it], but the haiku-like quality is certainly there. Picture is good too.

 Comment Written 13-Apr-2018

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reply by the author on 13-Apr-2018

Thank you! I had written a free verse poem about the crows and decided it was awful - this one seems to have come out better! Yes, I thought the picture was a good one (not mine - a free pic from Google)
Carol

Comment from Pantygynt

Excellent

This is a fine attempt at the tanka form and I like the pivot line very much. It works really well as a pivot but I am sure that, like quite a few of mine, Ray (Mountain Writer) would say that it lacks some of the satori feel that it is also supposed to possess.

Remember, the tanka preceded the haiku historically and the haiku came about when it was realiesd that the best takas could stand alone with just their first three lines.

"Homeward bound" connects logically with the first two lines but to my mind it does not make one sit up and say "Oh really! I never thought of it tat way!" Which is what a top ranking satori line should make you feel.

I know many of mine miss the mark whatever some sycophantic reviewers say.

 Comment Written 13-Apr-2018

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reply by the author on 13-Apr-2018

I was using your notes to instruct me in writing this - lots to think about there. You know, the thing about the pivot line is that I was thinking about them heading home to roost for the night. They are smart creatures who pick a different spot to roost every night - so while they are heading home, it's just their temporary home - and one their way they caw and caw and make as much noise as possible. Seemingly alerting every creature, predator or not, of where they are going. Lol. Anyway, I agree it's not a line that really grabs you by the throat, ah well.
Carol

Comment from BeasPeas

Excellent

Hi Carol. Your wonderful tanka is a joy to read. Good word choices and descriptive. Terrific use of descriptive words -- raucous, sooty, and swirl. Your pivot line unites the two couplets nicely. Marilyn

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 Comment Written 13-Apr-2018

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reply by the author on 13-Apr-2018

Thanks so much, it was fun to picture the crows flying toward their roosting spot, making as much noise as possibly :))
Carol