Miscellaneous Poems Vol 2
Viewing comments for Chapter 8 "The game"More poems
13 total reviews
Comment from rama devi
I love that word - never heard it before today, and I think you've applied it aptly. Great job with a word of the day book poem.
GREAT OPENING LINE and alliteration;
Outside the House on Humbug Hill
hilarious satirical wit (suggest a comma not a semicolon):
thankful throngs digest the pill;(,)
applauding democratic choice,
ecstatic to have found their voice.
This line made me GIGGLE ALOUD:
A flock of fedifragous fools
It sounds so ironically eloquent in flow and alliterative phrasing, and is nicely supported by the alliterative next line:
within the walls have set the rules:
Clever and well alliterated too:
"We must employ our Teflon tricks,
and make damned sure that nothing sticks."
*
The poker game is underway(,)
and all the best have come to play.
Pitch perfect pun:
The tactics of these changeling chumps--
"Throw in your hand, and come up Trumps."
this is biting witty satire with outstanding slant rhymes:
The faithful know what they must do-
be trusting of The Chosen Few.
Assimilate alternate facts;
close borders, and then lower tax.
The alternate faces line has forced scansion a bit but I can't find a way to remedy that, because the word alternate is required there...even though it cannot slide in iambically.
*optional suggestion:
Have faith in Jesus, buy a gun;(--)
keep the sheeples on the run.
the keep sheepless on the run line cracked me up too! HA HA HA!
Good continued satire:
Salute the flag, don't bend a knee-
how else to keep the country free?
******Utterly outstanding stanza --stroke of genius rhyme of Messiah and liar!
Alas, what if their new Messiah
is nothing but a bald-faced liar?
He wouldn't be the first or last;
to see the future, know the past.
This rhyme pair made me chuckle, and bravo on further alliteration:
Why trust the powerful and rich,
or buy their patriotic pitch?
TOTALLY AGREE:
It's time to really raise the stakes
And cut the av'rage Joe some breaks.
Perfect, eloquent and apt penultimate stanza with a shift from what's wrong to how we can fix it:
Devise a game where all can win-
compassion is no mortal sin.
My gain does not require your loss-
just who made greed and envy boss?
Outstanding closing note too - great metaphor and rhymes and alliteration:
Is it not time to stop the rot
and form an ever-growing pot?
To recognize there's just one race-
together, all can play the Ace.
Really wish I had a SIX!
Bravo. Bookmarking this, as my mom will want to read it (she's a political activist).
Maybe she'll share it at a meeting if that's okay with you?
Warmly, rd
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2018
  |
I love that word - never heard it before today, and I think you've applied it aptly. Great job with a word of the day book poem.
GREAT OPENING LINE and alliteration;
Outside the House on Humbug Hill
hilarious satirical wit (suggest a comma not a semicolon):
thankful throngs digest the pill;(,)
applauding democratic choice,
ecstatic to have found their voice.
This line made me GIGGLE ALOUD:
A flock of fedifragous fools
It sounds so ironically eloquent in flow and alliterative phrasing, and is nicely supported by the alliterative next line:
within the walls have set the rules:
Clever and well alliterated too:
"We must employ our Teflon tricks,
and make damned sure that nothing sticks."
*
The poker game is underway(,)
and all the best have come to play.
Pitch perfect pun:
The tactics of these changeling chumps--
"Throw in your hand, and come up Trumps."
this is biting witty satire with outstanding slant rhymes:
The faithful know what they must do-
be trusting of The Chosen Few.
Assimilate alternate facts;
close borders, and then lower tax.
The alternate faces line has forced scansion a bit but I can't find a way to remedy that, because the word alternate is required there...even though it cannot slide in iambically.
*optional suggestion:
Have faith in Jesus, buy a gun;(--)
keep the sheeples on the run.
the keep sheepless on the run line cracked me up too! HA HA HA!
Good continued satire:
Salute the flag, don't bend a knee-
how else to keep the country free?
******Utterly outstanding stanza --stroke of genius rhyme of Messiah and liar!
Alas, what if their new Messiah
is nothing but a bald-faced liar?
He wouldn't be the first or last;
to see the future, know the past.
This rhyme pair made me chuckle, and bravo on further alliteration:
Why trust the powerful and rich,
or buy their patriotic pitch?
TOTALLY AGREE:
It's time to really raise the stakes
And cut the av'rage Joe some breaks.
Perfect, eloquent and apt penultimate stanza with a shift from what's wrong to how we can fix it:
Devise a game where all can win-
compassion is no mortal sin.
My gain does not require your loss-
just who made greed and envy boss?
Outstanding closing note too - great metaphor and rhymes and alliteration:
Is it not time to stop the rot
and form an ever-growing pot?
To recognize there's just one race-
together, all can play the Ace.
Really wish I had a SIX!
Bravo. Bookmarking this, as my mom will want to read it (she's a political activist).
Maybe she'll share it at a meeting if that's okay with you?
Warmly, rd
Comment Written 02-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2018
-
Hi RD,
Thanks for this wonderful and detailed review. i'm glad you enjoyed.
One thing: I reread the "assimilate alternate facts" line several times, but couldn't find fault with it. Then I noticed you had copied it as "assimilate alternate faces". Maybe that it why it didn't seem to scan correctly, as that would definitely add an extra syllable?
If your mother wishes to share the poem, I'd be honoured :)
With many thanks,
Craig
-
Thanks! I have to follow up with my mom tomorrow...she came home tired from a big long meeting. (She's 83!)
That was a typo (faces)...I type too fast and often forget to proof my reviews.
Anyway, to my ear, ALTERNATE has forced scansion. Might be a matter of diction, but
aSImiLATE alTERnate FACTS
that's how the iambs scan to my ear. But the word alternate should not accentuate the middle syllable, unless I am mistaken, which is entirely possible. It's 2 am right now...so I'll not look it up...will try to remember to check it out tomorrow...
Best, rd
Comment from Barb Hensongispsaca
'Just who made greed and envy boss?'
My favorite line and you did an excellent job of all the listing of what is going on. Very well done in rhyme and flow
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reply by the author on 02-Jan-2018
|
'Just who made greed and envy boss?'
My favorite line and you did an excellent job of all the listing of what is going on. Very well done in rhyme and flow
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 02-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2018
-
Thanks again for a great review - Craig
Comment from c_lucas
Politics is a worthy game that anyone can play. Some more successful than others. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very interesting read. There is good imagery.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2018
|
Politics is a worthy game that anyone can play. Some more successful than others. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very interesting read. There is good imagery.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 02-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2018
-
Thanks for the kind comments. Very gratefully received - Craig