2017 JAPANESE POETRY
Viewing comments for Chapter 28 "Renga (After harvest)"A collection of Japanese poetry
27 total reviews
Comment from royowen
I take it this is a joint effort Gypsy? I must admit I rather like this creation, I'm not familiar with this form I'm afraid but it's very affective, excellent wording, a work of content and substance, well done, blessings, Roy
reply by the author on 09-May-2017
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I take it this is a joint effort Gypsy? I must admit I rather like this creation, I'm not familiar with this form I'm afraid but it's very affective, excellent wording, a work of content and substance, well done, blessings, Roy
Comment Written 09-May-2017
reply by the author on 09-May-2017
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Yes, this is collaborative. I write three lines (a haiku) and Hitcher follows with two (a tanka with both together). Thank you for the review.
Gypsy
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Well done
Comment from Sandra du Plessis
A very well-written renga. It seems you are working well together to.make this poem. A great success the story line flow so well it s hard to believe it was written by two different people.
reply by the author on 09-May-2017
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A very well-written renga. It seems you are working well together to.make this poem. A great success the story line flow so well it s hard to believe it was written by two different people.
Comment Written 09-May-2017
reply by the author on 09-May-2017
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Thank you for the review, Sandra.
Gypsy
Comment from Heather Knight
I had never heard of this type of poem before, but I like it very much.
The story is sad and moving.
Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 09-May-2017
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I had never heard of this type of poem before, but I like it very much.
The story is sad and moving.
Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 09-May-2017
reply by the author on 09-May-2017
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Thank you for the review, Maria Jose.
Gypsy
Comment from Rasmine
Awesome, you guys did well!! This is really neat, I like this.
I'm wondering if the father was dead as well, or is that who is coming? Of course it could be Death coming.
Well, cool challenge! :)
reply by the author on 09-May-2017
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Awesome, you guys did well!! This is really neat, I like this.
I'm wondering if the father was dead as well, or is that who is coming? Of course it could be Death coming.
Well, cool challenge! :)
Comment Written 09-May-2017
reply by the author on 09-May-2017
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We don't know where this is going, only from stanza to stanza. Thank you for the review, Rasmine.
Gypsy
Comment from Mark Schardine
Right at the beginning we have a sense of foreboding, and even though it is a relatively short poem, we have the impression that the suspense builds slowly, but inexorably. We know it will end badly, but even so, the final image shocks us greatly.
reply by the author on 09-May-2017
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Right at the beginning we have a sense of foreboding, and even though it is a relatively short poem, we have the impression that the suspense builds slowly, but inexorably. We know it will end badly, but even so, the final image shocks us greatly.
Comment Written 09-May-2017
reply by the author on 09-May-2017
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Thank you for the review, Mark.
Gypsy
Comment from dragonpoet
The first stanza/tanka tells of the cold of being alone in grief and the final two tell why. It is sad when a parent kills another parent. With the arsenic in the stew did he mean to kill his daughter too.
This is a good collaboration.
Keep it up.
Joan
reply by the author on 09-May-2017
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The first stanza/tanka tells of the cold of being alone in grief and the final two tell why. It is sad when a parent kills another parent. With the arsenic in the stew did he mean to kill his daughter too.
This is a good collaboration.
Keep it up.
Joan
Comment Written 09-May-2017
reply by the author on 09-May-2017
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Thank you for the review, Joan. We don't know where this is going. Only from stanza to stanza.
Gypsy
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You're welcome. It seems to be going in a good direction.
Joan
Comment from apky
It's delightful enough to cope with one of you,
Gypsy and Hitcher,
separately.
The two of you combined
is delicious torture.
Thanks for this,
Apky
reply by the author on 09-May-2017
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It's delightful enough to cope with one of you,
Gypsy and Hitcher,
separately.
The two of you combined
is delicious torture.
Thanks for this,
Apky
Comment Written 09-May-2017
reply by the author on 09-May-2017
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Hahaha... thank you... I think. Thank you for the review.
Gypsy
Comment from RGstar
I am going to give this a six star for the opening two stanzas were fabulous. Beautiful. Unexpected ending which furthered the emotion. Exceptional in imagery.
"Mother lying motionless, my tears"
Comma not good after motionless, as it runs the sentence complete with a slight pause that would see it beg for sense. Better semi colon (;)
or --
"The last thing mom did for us, then her heart stopped''
The only thing I though that brought it back to ordinary was the first sentence of the last stanza. I felt too ordinary in saying in view of the excellence that came before.
Maybe you could work on that line a little though I realize the important of it being said, for I loved this little piece.
You could reverse the syntax'
The last for us she did.
Mom's heart stopped.
"The truth was too harsh.
Arsenic in the warm stew
mixing with his betrayal''
What a strong and brilliant end. Fantastic.
I don't usually give sixes to short unless stands out.
This does.
A strong and sublime write which as a short is publish worthy, but would like to see that line change to more dynamic fitting the rest.
Well done Gypsy and Hitcher.
RGstar
reply by the author on 09-May-2017
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I am going to give this a six star for the opening two stanzas were fabulous. Beautiful. Unexpected ending which furthered the emotion. Exceptional in imagery.
"Mother lying motionless, my tears"
Comma not good after motionless, as it runs the sentence complete with a slight pause that would see it beg for sense. Better semi colon (;)
or --
"The last thing mom did for us, then her heart stopped''
The only thing I though that brought it back to ordinary was the first sentence of the last stanza. I felt too ordinary in saying in view of the excellence that came before.
Maybe you could work on that line a little though I realize the important of it being said, for I loved this little piece.
You could reverse the syntax'
The last for us she did.
Mom's heart stopped.
"The truth was too harsh.
Arsenic in the warm stew
mixing with his betrayal''
What a strong and brilliant end. Fantastic.
I don't usually give sixes to short unless stands out.
This does.
A strong and sublime write which as a short is publish worthy, but would like to see that line change to more dynamic fitting the rest.
Well done Gypsy and Hitcher.
RGstar
Comment Written 09-May-2017
reply by the author on 09-May-2017
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Thank you for the review and feedback, RGstar. You are very kind. I will talk to Hitcher.
Gypsy
Comment from Dolly'sPoems
This is a sad story and quite shocking! Well written and chilling. Arsenic is the silent tool of death and often used in the Victorian era, and evidently abundant in rice! Love Dolly x
reply by the author on 09-May-2017
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This is a sad story and quite shocking! Well written and chilling. Arsenic is the silent tool of death and often used in the Victorian era, and evidently abundant in rice! Love Dolly x
Comment Written 09-May-2017
reply by the author on 09-May-2017
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Thank you for the review, Dolly.
Gypsy
Comment from Hitcher
I have to say your my beautiful friend your hokku have been top draw and have challenged me every time. I really enjoy the whole process, the waiting, the reveal and then the creative juices flowing in search of a response... It is a lot of fun!! I must also say that I thoroughly enjoyed my time under your tutelage Gypsy... Thank you!
reply by the author on 09-May-2017
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I have to say your my beautiful friend your hokku have been top draw and have challenged me every time. I really enjoy the whole process, the waiting, the reveal and then the creative juices flowing in search of a response... It is a lot of fun!! I must also say that I thoroughly enjoyed my time under your tutelage Gypsy... Thank you!
Comment Written 09-May-2017
reply by the author on 09-May-2017
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Wow, Hitcher, your heartfelt words moved me. Thank you, my friend. The feeling is mutual. I enjoyed having you in my class and writing this renga with you is a lot of fun. We make a good team. Rather sinister. Hahaha. Thank you for the review and the six stars.
Gypsy