Comment from Pantygynt

Excellent

It certainly is free verse. I wonder why you chose to lay it out formally in four-line stanzas like this. I wrote a piece of free verse recently and laid it out in stanza format. after a couple of adversle reviews I change to a format that followed the sense of the "story" and its popularity immediately soared.

In re printing this below all I have changed is some capitalization and punctuation together with some line and stanza breaks. I have made no alteration to any of the wording.

Reminiscing our encounters,
long, hot and sultry nights,
seized my heart
yet you mislaid it.

Wretchedly yours,
pretending
you were mine.

Bewitching and coquettish voice
transformed your melancholy eye,
explaining that we would be three.

To second place I was resigned.

I pricked my finger on a rose
piercing thorns drew blood for you.

To occupy my one true place,
I'd kneel before your feet again.

It's only you (I feel your sting)
It's only you (my place is true)
It's only you (submission's whip)
It's only you (command me)


I think it makes the piece look less formidable encouraging in the reader. Just a thought.

 Comment Written 04-Jan-2017

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reply by the author on 04-Jan-2017

And it's good to see you again! You certainly have given me a way to improve my poem. I'm going to have to take one of your classes one of these days. I'm going to print out this review and make your suggested changes, I think they're great and I thank you.

yours,

jeni

reply by Pantygynt on 04-Jan-2017

You are welcome. I look forward to having you as a student some day.

Comment from padumachitta

Excellent

hello
thanks for the poem, it has a cetain brooding allure to it...
I am glad you are back and out of the hospital..
may you be well and write lots in2017
padumachitta

 Comment Written 04-Jan-2017

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reply by the author on 04-Jan-2017

Thanks much for reading and choosing to leave a review for my writing. I thank you for your good wishes.

Always,

luna

Comment from DR DIP

Excellent

Nice write Luna I enjoyed the free verse. Some nice lines in this poem Luna. Glad you are out of hospital and back on your feet. Keep well and thanks for sharing

dio

 Comment Written 04-Jan-2017

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reply by the author on 04-Jan-2017

Hey, dip - long time no see! I'm happy to have your opinion on this poem. Actually I'm revising it to change the format a little bit, as Jim suggested to me that would be more entertaining for the reader.

Appreciate your good wishes, dip!

Always,

luna

Comment from William Ross

Excellent

Nicely done on the free verse and the weak, some people are just that weak willed weak in life. Glad you are feeling better. have a wonderful new year

 Comment Written 04-Jan-2017

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reply by the author on 04-Jan-2017

Thanks, Bill, for taking the time to read my work and leave me a review. I'm real appreciative of the well wishes.

Always,

jeni

Comment from kiwisteveh

Excellent

I'm not sure how much this is based on your own experience, but it tells a rather sad story (in my eyes) of a dominant partner in a relationship exerting his dominance over someone more submissive. I can't full understand this masochistic kind of love, if it is really love.

The final lines were to me the most striking, somehow echoing the lash and pause of a whipping, a painful end to a painful poem.

PS I see you are also coming up to a painful anniversary. As they say in Maori, here in New Zealand 'Kia Kaha!' (Stay strong)

Steve

 Comment Written 04-Jan-2017

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reply by the author on 04-Jan-2017

Hello, Steve.

First of all I'd like to thank you for noticing the anniversary that is on the way in just a few short days. Myself and my son's father have made a solemn pact that we will not stay in our beds crying that day, for it is truly good that our son Mickey doesn't have to suffer here on earth anymore, and suffering he was. Thank you again.

Secondly, I'm not going to say whether it is biographical or not, just presume that I am familiar with the BDSM lifestyle. Actually (and I know that some think it sad; at this point in time I do as well), in the lifestyle, the submissive truly feels empowered by her submission (knowing that she is giving the greatest gift that she can to her Dominant). I don't feel this way anymore, I've lived quite a few 24-hours since the time I was exposed to the lifestyle. (It does feel like real love in many cases.)

I'm really happy that you enjoyed the last four lines.

Have a great day/night, Steve!

Always,

jeni

Comment from randman58

Excellent

This speaks of need, of desire, of a want disregarding self. Any attention is better than indifference. Like the abused child that is programmed to see that abuse as an expression of love. But then again there is a certain liberation to giving yourself over, forgoing the negotiations of a partnership. Interesting, well done.

 Comment Written 04-Jan-2017

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reply by the author on 04-Jan-2017

Thank you for your uncannily on the spot review. Many who live the lifestyle of Domination and submission feel that the greatest gift the sub can give her Dom is total abandon and submission.
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I'm glad you found this interesting, and thank you for your insightful comments about the children from abusive pasts.

Yours,

jeni

Comment from jmcfadden1528

Excellent

Another great one Luna! I love the last four lines and how you offer a different insight into the same line four different ways. I love the imagery the line about pricking your finger on a rose brought. This was a very powerful poem, and I look forward to more of your writing in the future!

 Comment Written 03-Jan-2017

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reply by the author on 04-Jan-2017

Hi, thanks so much for your kind review. I'm really happy that you enjoyed this poem. That you got a piece of imagery from the read pleases me as well.

Yours,

Luna

Comment from Gypsy Blue Rose

Excellent

Hello, Luna, how are you doing? I like your poem. It is a wonderful poem with a lovely cadence ... it could be a song. It's heartfelt and emotional. Great job!

Gypsy Sensei

 Comment Written 03-Jan-2017

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reply by the author on 04-Jan-2017

Thanks so much Gypsy, I'm doing much better than when I first entered the hospital the day after Christmas. I rang in the New Year from my hospital bed and went home a few days later. I had some excellent doctors who were very intuitive and tapped into the root of some problems I had long suffered from but got no relief.

Thanks for reading my poem, I appreciate your kind words. Interestingly, I had started out writing a song, it was about the subject of love-gone-bad but not at all like this poeml I hesitated to post it because I've never posted a Song Lyrics poem before. Maybe I'll gather the gumption after your words.

Always,

Luna

Comment from mvbrooks

Excellent

I so enjoy your writing and wanted to share that I'm glad you're out of the hospital and I hope you are healing and feeling more strength each day.

I hope the worst of this year has already passed and all the days ahead bring you many reasons to smile.

I enjoyed the repetition of the final lines and enjoyed the poem.

 Comment Written 03-Jan-2017

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reply by the author on 04-Jan-2017

Thank you so very much and I appreciate your kind wishes more than you know!

I'm definitely looking forward to a good 2017.

I'm happy that you enjoyed the poem and it's repetition.

Always,

jeni

Comment from Drew Delaney

Excellent

Nice job writing this free verse, Luna.

So glad you are okay following your stay in the hospital. Be well my writing friend and have a happy and healthy new year. Drew xx

 Comment Written 03-Jan-2017

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reply by the author on 04-Jan-2017

Thanks so much, Drew!

I appreciate the well wishes and I hope that your new year is happy and healthy as well.

Always,

Luna