Comment from winnona

Excellent

A well-written contest entry. the story is very realistic. Your words flow right along from beginning to end. The characters come to life as does the story in the reader's mind.

 Comment Written 05-Oct-2016

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reply by the author on 05-Oct-2016

Thank you so much, Winnona, for taking time to read my story. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated. I'm glad you liked. :-)

Comment from Judy Couch

Exceptional

This is cute and so realistic. I could see it happening in real life. I liked the idea of the kid getting lost while trying to escape what he thought was a pedophile. I especially liked the ending.

 Comment Written 05-Oct-2016

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reply by the author on 05-Oct-2016

Thank you so much, Judy Couch, for taking time to read my story. Yes, in today's society, crowded supermarkets and department stores are not a place for children run and play unsupervised, as this mother found out. I'm just glad I could give it a happy ending. Your kind words and extra-special six-star review are greatly appreciated. I am glad you liked it, and your outstanding review have made my week. :-)

Comment from barkingdog

Excellent

The only thing that caused me to pause and lose the flow of the story was when he said him mother's car wasn't there anymore. That part seems unnecessary.
Otherwise, the story read very well.
Good luck in the contest.

:) e

 Comment Written 05-Oct-2016

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reply by the author on 05-Oct-2016

Thank you so much, Barkingdog, for taking time to read my story. Appreciated your pointing out the line you didn't think was necessary. I figured that line would make a reader wonder if the car wasn't there or if the kid was looking in the wrong place, which probably he was. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated. :-)

Comment from damommy

Excellent

I don't blame him for being afraid of Ol' George. He sounds creepy. He should have identified himself to the little boy.

These things happen everywhere. Not long ago, in one of our Wal-Marts, a little boy disappeared. Immediately, they locked down the entire store. They found the little boy - dressed as a little girl.

Good story. Good luck. 8-)

 Comment Written 05-Oct-2016

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reply by the author on 05-Oct-2016

Thank you so much, DaMommy, for taking time to read my story. This story actually came from an incident at Walmart, where they locked us all in until they found the boy asleep in the woman's fitting room. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated. :-)

Comment from l.raven

Excellent

first of all...I wouldn't tell my five year old son to go anywhere in a store without me...lucky at ten...it's to easy for someone to grab you and take off...so glad everything turned out good....your story is very well told...and very well written...perfect picture...love Linda xxoo

 Comment Written 04-Oct-2016

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reply by the author on 04-Oct-2016

Thank you so much, Linda, for taking time to read my story. Yes, I'm with you, these crowded stores are dangerous for children of any age. Unfortunately, my idea for this story came from a little boy who disappeared in Walmart. They locked all the doors and had police inside and outside searching along with every patron who was also locked inside. They finally found him asleep in the women's fitting room. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated. :-)

reply by l.raven on 04-Oct-2016

I'm just thankful he was safe...you are so very welcome...love Linda xxoo

Comment from Jannypan (Jan)

Excellent

This is a great contest entry. You had me engaged from start to finish to find out what happened. I did not figure George was a security guard.

Good job on the flow of lines & the POV.

Best wishes in the contest. Jan

 Comment Written 04-Oct-2016

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reply by the author on 04-Oct-2016

Thank you so much, Jannypan, for taking time to read my story. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated. I'm glad you liked it. :-)

Comment from Mystic Angel 7777

Excellent

This meets the contest requirements splendidly. It is very well written with not a bit of SPAG to be had making for an enjoyable read. You develop the story nicely and I like the way you tell from the child's perspective all the way through. The ending was excellent as the way you executed it was a nice twist with George being the security guard.

 Comment Written 04-Oct-2016

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reply by the author on 04-Oct-2016

Thank you so much, Mystic Angel 7777, for taking time to read my story. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated. :-)

Comment from Spitfire

Excellent

I didn't expect the ending which is one of the criteria of flash fiction. A believable situation considering the physical appearance of much of the crowd who shop at the crowded noisy but inexpensive and good buy stores.

 Comment Written 04-Oct-2016

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reply by the author on 04-Oct-2016

Thank you so much, Spitfire, for taking time to read my story. This story comes from an actual incident, when a young boy ran wild in Walmart, wrecking my nerves, and I'm not the nervous type. The store locked all the doors, and had police officers inside and out, then we helped search every inch of the store. Someone finally located him, asleep in the women's fitting room. LOL! Oh, well, at least he was safe, and I hope his mother learned a valuable lesson, but I doubt it. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated. :-)

Comment from F. Wehr3

Excellent

I thought this was a touching story about a boy who gets lost. I especially enjoyed the image of him peeking through the pants underneath the clothes rack. I found a couple of things for your consideration.

cars seemed to be playing musical parking spaces,--musical chairs with parking spaces?

I'm big now . . . you even said so," as I glanced down with my sad, pouty-faced, best-disappointed look.-- This one is not a speech tag

"You like those toys don't you boy?"--When addressing someone even with a pet name use a comma before it. Comma before boy.

Overall, very nice tale. I wish you luck in the contest.

Take care,
Russell

 Comment Written 04-Oct-2016

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reply by the author on 04-Oct-2016

Thank you so much, Russell, for taking time to read my story and offering suggestions to make it better. I have already made third, but with the first one I'm needing to find a place to cut five words so I can make the change and stay under 500 words. I'm not exactly understanding what you were meaning on the second suggestion, where you said this one is not a speech tag? That whole part that says, "But, Mom, I'm five years old. I'm big now . . . you even said so," as I glanced down.... Those are meant to be speak tags, repeating what the kid said all those years ago. I just misunderstanding what you meant there, so that I can fix it. Your kind words, suggestions, and generous review are greatly appreciated. :-)

reply by F. Wehr3 on 04-Oct-2016

Glad I could help. For the speech tag, what I would suggest is placing a period after so. Capitalize As. It's an action tag, which I really like and keeps from having to say he said she said all the time. If you are looking to cut words out. Use my suggestion (if you want) about the musical chairs and delete this part:

trying to beat on-coming vehicles to the next open spot.

best of luck and please feel free to ask any questions. Take care.

Comment from Ulla

Excellent

A very good story about being lost. It's a big world out there and he was lucky not to run into a real bad guy. Good luck in the contest. All the best. Ulla:)

 Comment Written 04-Oct-2016

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reply by the author on 04-Oct-2016

Thank you so much, Ulla, for taking time to read my story. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated.