Short
Viewing comments for Chapter 19 "Victim"Shorter stories
23 total reviews
Comment from Brett Matthew West
Seems Ole "Mavis" really went to an extreme to extract revenge on "Jake".
Can not say he did not deserve exactly what he got though.
Good blood and guts story here.
Now all that is needed is a wood chipper to run his cut up body parts through.
Why tag and bag them when a good grinding noise would resolve the issue much better?
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2016
  |
Seems Ole "Mavis" really went to an extreme to extract revenge on "Jake".
Can not say he did not deserve exactly what he got though.
Good blood and guts story here.
Now all that is needed is a wood chipper to run his cut up body parts through.
Why tag and bag them when a good grinding noise would resolve the issue much better?
Comment Written 03-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2016
-
Wood chippers are a bigger headache because they shoot DNA everywhere. Then there's the bits still in the grinders. Hosing, bleaching, repeating -- who needs it? Right? Thank you, Brett, fun the positive review. Bill
Comment from giraffmang
Hi Bill,
I really enjoyed this piece. the turnaround for Mavis and her family was very well written and something of a surprise. The dialect for Jake took a bit of getting used to but once there was a good read.
All the best
GMG
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2016
|
Hi Bill,
I really enjoyed this piece. the turnaround for Mavis and her family was very well written and something of a surprise. The dialect for Jake took a bit of getting used to but once there was a good read.
All the best
GMG
Comment Written 03-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2016
-
Thank you, GMG, for the excellent review. The dialect has been a critiquing point by most. I tried to get Louisianna plus mushy brain into his speech. When I read Huck Finn I was fascinated with the dialects Twain used going down the river and how they changed the farther south they went. Happy day.
Comment from Eric1
Hi Bill, this is a very good entry for this particular competition, a wonderful humorous story with well drawn interesting characters, the storyline was excellent too and I wish you the very best of luck in the contest my friend.
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2016
|
Hi Bill, this is a very good entry for this particular competition, a wonderful humorous story with well drawn interesting characters, the storyline was excellent too and I wish you the very best of luck in the contest my friend.
Comment Written 03-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2016
-
Thank you, Eric, for the excellent review. Bill
-
You are welcome my friend.
Comment from janalma
This is well written, but hard to take. I did have some trouble reading the dialect. Also, a bit of a problem here-- "...squelching an emotional release behind her glossy, green eyes." Don't quite know what the sentence means. That she resists crying tears?
Smiled at this sarcastic understatement, tho-- "Her temperament had definitely blossomed."
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2016
|
This is well written, but hard to take. I did have some trouble reading the dialect. Also, a bit of a problem here-- "...squelching an emotional release behind her glossy, green eyes." Don't quite know what the sentence means. That she resists crying tears?
Smiled at this sarcastic understatement, tho-- "Her temperament had definitely blossomed."
Comment Written 02-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2016
-
The intention of the line..."squelching an emotional release.." was to trick the reader into thinking she was trying to keep from crying, instead of laughing. The dialect is hard for everyone, but, I think, pretty accurate for Louisianna or Alabama strained through a drug-soaked mind. Thank you for the kind review. Bill
Comment from Cindy Warren
What a lovely family. And what a creative way to toughen Mavis up. At first I thought Jake was getting what he deserved. Guess things aren't always what they seem. LOL "Did ya get yer hair done too" needs a question mark.
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2016
|
What a lovely family. And what a creative way to toughen Mavis up. At first I thought Jake was getting what he deserved. Guess things aren't always what they seem. LOL "Did ya get yer hair done too" needs a question mark.
Comment Written 02-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2016
-
Thank you, Cindy, for the positive review and for the punctuation assist. Bill
Comment from ciliverde
This is a great story, I really enjoyed it!! I sure didn't expect this to end the way it did. Starting with this sentence, which I enjoyed:
"Donny remembered doing this very same thing for Jake a couple of years ago. Some bimbo had run him over with his own car." Ah ha, so that's what happened to that girl.
"fellow like Jake was the prescription needed to eliminate the empathy that held her back." !!! What a great ending to this story! Just loved it. I'm a big mystery/suspense fan. Didn't see it coming.
Oh, I loved Jake's accent, although it was a bit unintelligible here and there,
Carol
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2016
|
This is a great story, I really enjoyed it!! I sure didn't expect this to end the way it did. Starting with this sentence, which I enjoyed:
"Donny remembered doing this very same thing for Jake a couple of years ago. Some bimbo had run him over with his own car." Ah ha, so that's what happened to that girl.
"fellow like Jake was the prescription needed to eliminate the empathy that held her back." !!! What a great ending to this story! Just loved it. I'm a big mystery/suspense fan. Didn't see it coming.
Oh, I loved Jake's accent, although it was a bit unintelligible here and there,
Carol
Comment Written 02-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2016
-
Thank you, Carol, for the stunning review. I have heard the accent was a bit thick. I'll move his dialect up to Kentucky 😃. I appreciate the specificity of your review. Bill
-
Lol...so Kentucky accents are easier to understand? I'll take your word for it ;)
Comment from sage17611
Your story is interesting with a nice twist. Mavis as the villain with her scandalous family is a good theme in your story. However, it was difficult to understand Jake's language. The story is well written and creative, this should do well in the contest, good luck.
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2016
|
Your story is interesting with a nice twist. Mavis as the villain with her scandalous family is a good theme in your story. However, it was difficult to understand Jake's language. The story is well written and creative, this should do well in the contest, good luck.
Comment Written 02-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2016
-
Was it ever clear what he was saying? Do you think I should tone down his drawl?
-
Some of it I was able to make out but very little. I would tone it down a bit, I think you would get more votes.
Comment from nomi338
Symmetrical This story is beautifully tied together, nice and neat as a bow. I love it when a plan comes together. Some problems need to be completely destroyed in order to go completely away. The easiest foe to defeat is one who is convinced that he is invincible. No man alive is no matter what he thinks. Everyone's luck runs out eventually so to be an eternal pest if foolish at best. This was enjoyable reading and I would very much enjoy reading more stuff like this.
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2016
|
Symmetrical This story is beautifully tied together, nice and neat as a bow. I love it when a plan comes together. Some problems need to be completely destroyed in order to go completely away. The easiest foe to defeat is one who is convinced that he is invincible. No man alive is no matter what he thinks. Everyone's luck runs out eventually so to be an eternal pest if foolish at best. This was enjoyable reading and I would very much enjoy reading more stuff like this.
Comment Written 01-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2016
-
Thank you, nomi, for reading this and giving such an encouraging review. Bill
Comment from Gloria ....
Well that's quite the story, Bill. I'd even call this flash fiction as the language is lean and all the unnecessary bits removed. This is a good example of a scam on a scam. Poor Jake, he really was a chump who'd been through the mill.
Through various downgrading through drug use, felonies, and gun related mishaps, - This line needs a tweaking in the through various downgrading through part.
Anyhow, great writing. You held my interest from start to finish.
Gloria
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2016
|
Well that's quite the story, Bill. I'd even call this flash fiction as the language is lean and all the unnecessary bits removed. This is a good example of a scam on a scam. Poor Jake, he really was a chump who'd been through the mill.
Through various downgrading through drug use, felonies, and gun related mishaps, - This line needs a tweaking in the through various downgrading through part.
Anyhow, great writing. You held my interest from start to finish.
Gloria
Comment Written 01-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2016
-
Thank you, Gloria. I rewrote the sentence that you correctly identified as hinky.
Due to various and frequent altercations involving drug use, felonies, and gun related mishaps, Jake had been systematically removed from family interests and left to fend in the world to which he had buried himself.
Comment from P1
oh i really like this
it's so nice to see the bad ass
getting what's coming to him. k kept
wondering why she didn't call her uncles
but all was revealed in the end. very
enjoyable read. good luck with this
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2016
|
oh i really like this
it's so nice to see the bad ass
getting what's coming to him. k kept
wondering why she didn't call her uncles
but all was revealed in the end. very
enjoyable read. good luck with this
Comment Written 01-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2016
-
Thank you, Paige, for giving this a look. Bill
