Comment from Lena Borghi

Exceptional

I really enjoyed this poem, this story, and frankly, did not find anything to mention as needing improvement.

The opening stanza is an immediate attention getter; it has good imagery and peaks one's interest.

In the second stanza, the three rhyming directional words give the piece some grounding, makes the reader pay close attention. The line,
"for it is not forbidden to fetch the forgotten," in the third stanza, is quite thought provoking.

You transition very well from the story of the bird to your mother's story. It is seamless and well integrated.

The voice of the narrator is calm and pensive; I feel a slow, deliberate pace in the flow of the poem. You use alliteration well in several places, adding musicality to the poem.

The story is masterfully tied up at the end with the reference to rescuing the poems from the past, like the bird going back for the egg.

This is very well done and I wish you luck in the competition.

All my best,
Lena

 Comment Written 10-May-2016

---

reply by the author on 11-May-2016

Thank you, Lena, your detailed, six star review cheers me in the waning minutes of my poetry certificate. Crafting and refining this poem took a lot of creativity and feedback. Regardless of how well I will do in the contest, I feel I have already won by creating a narrative poem I never thought I could create. The poem changed me. Now I am devouring poems by Walt Whitman, Emily Dickinson, and Robert Frost. I want to push myself further. At the same time, I am a performer of live stories and folktales. My storytelling influences my poetry and my poetry influences my storytelling, creating works that are "seamless and well integrated."

Thank you, Lena, for pointing out the parts of my poem that inspired and moved you. Thank you, too, for wish me luck in the contest. This poem is going in the mail after the certificate expires.

Comment from InfinitePeace

Good

Great theme, symbolism, and story. I like how their is cultural history mixed with personal history. I would recommend trying to use a greater variety of words, as many are repeated. Keep up the great work!

 Comment Written 10-May-2016

---

reply by the author on 11-May-2016

Thank you, InfinitePeace, for your review and recommendation. I probably should not have done this, but I went ahead and watched a video of a poetry reading at the Dancing Poetry Contest in 2012. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c4LVARyk56U The poet, a friend of mine, used repetitions in order to help the dancer and the musicians perform her poem rhythmically. If I am one of three grand prize winners this year, I will read my poem on stage at the Legion of Honor in San Francisco while women perform an interpretive dance and musicians play. I read the winning poems for the last decade of this contest, and most of the winning poems used repetition because they knew it would be set to music and dance. On the other hand, the poem I submitted last year which used no repetition did not even earn one of fifty-one awards. For this particular contest, I am keeping the repetitions. I will also keep up the great work. Thank you for your review.

Comment from rspoet

Excellent

Hello Sis Cat.
I think you have a solid entry for the Annual Dancing Poetry Contest.
I've read some of the reviewer suggestions and I think they've done a fine
job in tightening the poem in spots.
It now reads very well, with excellent imagery, tells a wonder-filled
story that links the present and past, and has fine poetics
like alliteration
In the second stanza, the word "opened" might also be "open"
it works well with either choice
At first, the "f" alliteration seems excessive, but on second reading,
I wouldn't change it
"My mother embodied Sankofa;
she never forgot the cotton fields ( I wanted a period here, and new sentence on the next line
on first read, but again, a long line seems to also work)
Excellent imagery in the last stanza with "nest feathers"
I think you have a strong entry here.
Good luck in the contest.
May your poem dance.

 Comment Written 10-May-2016

---

reply by the author on 11-May-2016

rspoet, I read my poem and wanted to cry. It is so poignant and beautiful. I cannot believe that I wrote it three days ago.

FanStory has been a game of musical chairs for me for the last several days. I have accepted many reviewer suggestions to refine and tighten my poem. Your suggestions on "open" and and a period after Sankofa are good ones I have incorporated. These will likely be the last changes I make before the music stops here on FanStory in several minutes and I submit it to the contest so that my poem can dance at the Legion of Honor.

Thank you for your generous, detailed review, and encouragement as my FanStory phase for my poem draws to a close and a new chapter begins. It has been a thrilling journey.

Comment from MissMerri

Exceptional

I'm not at all sure, but I think you have a great entry here, and I would be surprised if it did not win something. I tried to read very critically, after reading the author notes, and couldn't find anything I'd want to change. It is certainly a visual poem and beautifully written and meaningful. I liked it very much. Please let us know how you do in this contest. I hope you win!

 Comment Written 10-May-2016

---

reply by the author on 10-May-2016

Thank you, MissMerri, for your generous, enthusiastic, six star review of my "visual poem." I feel like I have already won because I wrote a great tribute to my mother both of us could be proud of. I will let you know if it wins. Thanks again.

Comment from GoodHearted Woman

Excellent

SisCat! This wonderful poem has everything in it a poem or any piece of writing needs: spirit, color, passion, information, fire, love and I enjoy the sound of barefoot dancing that I can almost hear it. You have managed to put your own inner joy on the page and you have drawn me in! Best of luck. God Bless. GHW

 Comment Written 10-May-2016

---

reply by the author on 10-May-2016

Yes, GoodHearted Woman, that was my mother barefoot dancing on the stage. I was embarrassed at the time. Now, I am immensely proud. My mother would be proud, too. Thank you for your review and wishing me the best of luck in the contest.

Comment from johnwilson

Exceptional

This is a powerful, intensely passionate poem. I love the fact that you didn't use rhyme as it would have spoiled the intensity of spirit. This is a tremendous piece and I wouldn't move a ";" from it. I hope it wins because the imagination/imagery is tremendous!!!!!!

 Comment Written 10-May-2016

---

reply by the author on 10-May-2016

Thank you, John, for your enthusiastic review. I am thrilled that you enjoyed my " powerful, intensely passionate poem." Thanks.

Comment from astyanax

Exceptional

Beautiful this poem move me although I am not one who knows too much about poetry I was taken by the simplicity of the words. I love when poetry is written as beautiful as yours. Something that even those without a degree can appreciate and those who not aficionados of poetry can enjoy. I always try to write for the everyday man something not too illusive just beautiful. Thank you for sharing you encourage me to right my poetry

 Comment Written 10-May-2016

---

reply by the author on 10-May-2016

Thank you, astyanax, for your generous, six star review. I am glad my simple words moved and encouraged you to write your own poetry.

Comment from nancyrabbrose

Exceptional

You poem makes me cry, it is outstanding. I think you should win the contest. I do have some suggestions for improvement, as you asked for:
Perhaps you could insert either "her" before wings or a descriptive word before "wings to her body"
Delete "for" at the beginning of "for it is not forbidden..." (too much use of "for" on that line
Stick with your plan of more poetry, telling your stories. You have a gift and I know your mother from "heaven" is loving every minute of your transformation.

 Comment Written 10-May-2016

---

reply by the author on 10-May-2016

Yes, Nancy, my mother is loving every minute of this in heaven. I stopped writing stories and poetry twenty-five years ago. My mother kept bugging me for years to write again. Finally, she warning in a letter, that when I approach the age of fifty, I will awaken to my true calling. She called me a Sleeping Giant. Several years later when I approached forty-eight, I resumed writing again to write a eulogy for my father. She was thrilled to read it, and it brought her great comfort and joy in the last weeks of her life that I was writing again. She even gave me a gift subscription to Poets & Writers as her parting act.

Your suggestions for changes are good one and I will take a look at them, especially a descriptive word before "wings."

I did not think this poem was possible until I started writing. Regardless of how I do in the contest, I am proud of this poem.

Thank you for your generous, six star review.

Comment from davisr (Rhonda)

Excellent

Wow, what a beautiful and inspiring poem.
Mother, like your Sankofa bird, should nurture their child against all enemies, themselves included.
Sounds like your mother was a beautiful person who inspired her son to write.
Well done,
Rhonda

 Comment Written 10-May-2016

---

reply by the author on 10-May-2016

Yes, Rhonda, my mother was a beautiful person who inspired me to write. Thank you for your cheerful review.

Comment from RPSaxena

Excellent

Hello Sis Cat,
Nice piece of Commentary and Philosophy Poetry beautifully depicting the story enshrined in it!
Wording is impressive and perfectly matching the theme.
The description of 'SANKOFA' is especially laudable.
Picture enhances beauty of the poem.

 Comment Written 10-May-2016

---

reply by the author on 10-May-2016

Oh, thank you, RPSaxena, for your generous review. Yes, I beautifully depicted a story in it to describe Sankofa and my mother.