Of Poets and Poetry
Viewing comments for Chapter 7 "Ruminations on Life In Alaska"NaPoWriMo 2016 Challenge (30 Poems in April)
14 total reviews
Comment from ciliverde
This is fantastic!! I love it - I SO WISH I had a six left, as it would be yours. This is the only Ghazal I've seen on FS, other than two or three that I wrote in late 2015. I think you have done a really nice job on this one, it is positively entrancing. The only thing I'd say is, I thought the last couplet was supposed to include the author's "signature".
For example, Agha Shahid Ali says in the last couplet of his poem "Even the Rain"
"They've found the knife that killed you, but whose prints are these?
No one has such small hands, Shahid, not even the rain."
...and Ciliverde said the following (my signature is The Orphan) -
"Can't shake myself, can't shake this grief, my history.
From ages past, an old motif, my history.
Uneasy stares and awkward truth, an ugly child
"Too shy!" they said, those gaping teeth -- my history.
A life in flight; the world splayed out on tattered page.
A refugee with scant relief, my history.
My genes passed on a bitter brew, a murky mix.
I know this now -- I'm no naif! -- my history.
The tempest of an introvert, the rage, the fear.
As ocean boils around a reef, my history.
On synapses so much depends, my seething cells
in vital fight and fiery sheaf, my history.
The day begins anew. Why not burn up the past?
Flood the gulch, fire the hill and heath, my history.
Of nature born but nurture made, you'll lose this fight.
Forget the past! I would as lief, my history.
A nameless one becomes a god, so Taji's tale.
An endless quest -- forswear this grief -- my history.
...And yet, I lived to tell this tale, time slipped away.
The Orphan, I, a sordid thief, of history."
reply by the author on 07-Apr-2016
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This is fantastic!! I love it - I SO WISH I had a six left, as it would be yours. This is the only Ghazal I've seen on FS, other than two or three that I wrote in late 2015. I think you have done a really nice job on this one, it is positively entrancing. The only thing I'd say is, I thought the last couplet was supposed to include the author's "signature".
For example, Agha Shahid Ali says in the last couplet of his poem "Even the Rain"
"They've found the knife that killed you, but whose prints are these?
No one has such small hands, Shahid, not even the rain."
...and Ciliverde said the following (my signature is The Orphan) -
"Can't shake myself, can't shake this grief, my history.
From ages past, an old motif, my history.
Uneasy stares and awkward truth, an ugly child
"Too shy!" they said, those gaping teeth -- my history.
A life in flight; the world splayed out on tattered page.
A refugee with scant relief, my history.
My genes passed on a bitter brew, a murky mix.
I know this now -- I'm no naif! -- my history.
The tempest of an introvert, the rage, the fear.
As ocean boils around a reef, my history.
On synapses so much depends, my seething cells
in vital fight and fiery sheaf, my history.
The day begins anew. Why not burn up the past?
Flood the gulch, fire the hill and heath, my history.
Of nature born but nurture made, you'll lose this fight.
Forget the past! I would as lief, my history.
A nameless one becomes a god, so Taji's tale.
An endless quest -- forswear this grief -- my history.
...And yet, I lived to tell this tale, time slipped away.
The Orphan, I, a sordid thief, of history."
Comment Written 07-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 07-Apr-2016
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Hi Carol!
YAY! Someone who actually knows something about this form! :) I was hoping this would count as the signature:
Lingering memories of long winters fade in light of summer solstice,
Stretch wings and fly, feathers unfrozen by the Midnight Sun, enduring love.
With the wings, fly, and feathers alluding to ~Dovey. I do have another idea and will play with that line if you think I need to be more specific. :)
Thanks for sharing your Orphan Ghazal, it is amazing.
Kim
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Carol,
What if I changed the last line:
KAW speaks, flying with ravens, wings unfrozen by Midnight Sun; enduring love.
KAW being my initials, and the sound the ravens make? What do you think?
Kim
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Do you feel that it's a signature you'd want to stick with? You could even just say "Kim" if that resonates.
What about "Kim flies, unfettered, feathers unfrozen by Midnight Sun, enduring love." ..?
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It wouldn't necessarily be the same every time, right? I'm thinking you said you put Ciliverde in one and The Orphan in another?
I'm not even certain I'll tackle another anytime soon lol but I want to be as authentic as possible to the form.
I was just thinking that a bird flying makes perfect sense ~Dovey, but a person, not so much? lol
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It would be the same every time. In my ghazals, I always used the Orphan (long story, but I have referred to myself using that before)
Here is what the site I used says
"The final couplet usually includes the poet?s signature, referring to the author in the first or third person, and frequently including the poet?s own name or a derivation of its meaning."
So you certainly could use Dovey, if you want to. Why not?
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I've made a change...
Dove?s white feathers amongst ravens glint in the Midnight Sun, enduring love.
Thanks for all the input!
Kim
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Thanks for the fun of working on this with you; Keep that image of something "unfrozen by Midnight Sun" I hate to see that line disappear - it could reappear in another ghazal, perhaps? Well done!
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It will appear somewhere :)
Thanks, Carol!
Comment from Sandra du Plessis
It was for me, one of the hardest formats I ever worked on apart from the sonnet, which I totally give up to try. Your first attempt worked out excellent to my limited knowledge. Thank you for mentioning my humble work in your notes.
reply by the author on 07-Apr-2016
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It was for me, one of the hardest formats I ever worked on apart from the sonnet, which I totally give up to try. Your first attempt worked out excellent to my limited knowledge. Thank you for mentioning my humble work in your notes.
Comment Written 07-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 07-Apr-2016
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Hi Sandra!
It was my pleasure to include you in my author's notes. It is definitely a challenging style. I'm so happy that you've enjoyed mine, too. I did a lot of reading on the origins, it is quite facinating. Thanks for taking the time to read and comment.
Kim
Comment from Pantygynt
A fascinating form and I got involved in a most interesting red herring over the name Denali that I had not come across before. Whoever McKinley was he didn't have as much right to the mountain as does the native American name, Denali. The is interesting form with its repetition an rhyme proves an excellent vehicle for this peaen to Alaska.
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reply by the author on 07-Apr-2016
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A fascinating form and I got involved in a most interesting red herring over the name Denali that I had not come across before. Whoever McKinley was he didn't have as much right to the mountain as does the native American name, Denali. The is interesting form with its repetition an rhyme proves an excellent vehicle for this peaen to Alaska.
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Comment Written 07-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 07-Apr-2016
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McKinley was a politican, of course ;) William McKinley was the 25th President of the United States, serving from March 4, 1897, until his assassination in September 1901, six months into his second term. Someone thought they'd get some favors for naming the tallest mountain in North America after him. It has been heavily debated for years, but just last year they finally "officially" changed the name of the mountain back to Denali lol
Up here we tend to interchange the name (depending on who we are talking to) We may have had the Gold Rush, but Denali is the true gem of this state :)
Thanks for a grand review. I should probably add Denali to my author's notes :)
Kim
Comment from Jannypan (Jan)
I enjoyed your poem. The format seems difficult. However with a good topic, you [I] may have a chance at completing one in my lifetime.
Your notes are so informative and worth reading even if one did read the poem. But, who would do that?
The poem is amazing. The flow is great, the repeated parts are seamless, and the references to history/geography is awesome.
Good job and thanks for sharing.
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 07-Apr-2016
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I enjoyed your poem. The format seems difficult. However with a good topic, you [I] may have a chance at completing one in my lifetime.
Your notes are so informative and worth reading even if one did read the poem. But, who would do that?
The poem is amazing. The flow is great, the repeated parts are seamless, and the references to history/geography is awesome.
Good job and thanks for sharing.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 07-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 07-Apr-2016
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Hi Janny:
I tried not to overwhelm with the notes. The link on the origins is really an informative site, so interesting. Thank you for taking the time to read and comment. I appreciate all the thoughts and compliments you've shared. I also hadn't realized the widespread popularity of Rumi, although, I know I'd heard of him, I hadn't read much of anything translated of his work. I listened to a recitation of works translated, with additions of his own poetry, by Coleman Barks. I was most surprised when he called Rumi the number 1 poet in America.
Kim