A Serpent Watching-Part Two
Short Story15 total reviews
Comment from Barb Hensongispsaca
You are doing just fine and any suggestions I give would betray my secrets. LOL
I love this and the story can take a lot of different directions and I cant wait to see where you take it.
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2016
  |
You are doing just fine and any suggestions I give would betray my secrets. LOL
I love this and the story can take a lot of different directions and I cant wait to see where you take it.
Comment Written 13-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2016
-
Ah HA! I'll just make stuff up. :)) LOLOL
Part Three is ready to view. mikey
Comment from Jacqueline M Franklin
Hi, Mikey
= Good setting of the scene as to intent of Darby's lusting after Hannah, and her unease. However, you mentioned wanting help no your povs.
=FYI=
<> You have =2= povs going in the same scene, which is always a no-no.
1) You have to decide which one you want.
2) The logical one is Darby
3) Case in point with pov switch from Darby to Hannah.
=a= You started out with Darby's inner thoughts
=b= Therefore, UNLESS you make a soft break to show the switch WITHIN the same scene, such as ...
EXAMPLES of soft break: ~ % *
EXAMPLES of hard break: * * * ~^~ (Used when you change settings -- large time gaps, etc.)
=c= Soft breaks are needed, just don't bounce back and forth willy-nilly. It gets far too confusing, so limit them.
=YOURS
Hannah tightens her hips and curses the moistness welling up inside her loins. Sin knows no boundaries. Hannah lightly moistens her lips as Darby begins to swell. The thought of Hannah seeing his impending condition causes him to rise from his chair. Hannah has her spectacles on, and Darby's erect penis strains at the fabric of his trousers proudly pointing to her, and beckoning her closer at the same time.
= MY SUGGESTION= (this is remaining in Darby's pov =BUT= still gets across Emma's thoughts. See Below, how tweaking the verbiage does this).
I see how Hannah tightens her hips. I'd bet she's cursing the moistness that must be welling inside her loins. And, knowing her as I do, she's most likely thinking about how Sin knows no boundaries.
Damn ... every time she moistens those kissable lips, it causes me to swell. The thought of Hannah seeing my impending condition forces me out of my chair. I have to hide my grin, because I'd lay odds beneath her spectacles, she sees my erect penis straining through the fabric of my trousers--proudly saluting her--beckoning her closer. Oh yes!
She probably thinks I can't see, but I notice how she can't keep her nervous hands quiet. Not to mention her furrowed brow. It looks like the prim and proper Hannah has her own urges ... indeed she does. That makes me happy.
= So, you see, how tweaking can get the other person's thoughts to surface, BUT within =ONE= pov. (*<*)
= Great chapter, giving the reader the creepy crawlies about Darby.
* Cheers & Blessings *
Keep Smilin'... Jackie/Jax (*>*)
reply by the author on 13-Mar-2016
|
Hi, Mikey
= Good setting of the scene as to intent of Darby's lusting after Hannah, and her unease. However, you mentioned wanting help no your povs.
=FYI=
<> You have =2= povs going in the same scene, which is always a no-no.
1) You have to decide which one you want.
2) The logical one is Darby
3) Case in point with pov switch from Darby to Hannah.
=a= You started out with Darby's inner thoughts
=b= Therefore, UNLESS you make a soft break to show the switch WITHIN the same scene, such as ...
EXAMPLES of soft break: ~ % *
EXAMPLES of hard break: * * * ~^~ (Used when you change settings -- large time gaps, etc.)
=c= Soft breaks are needed, just don't bounce back and forth willy-nilly. It gets far too confusing, so limit them.
=YOURS
Hannah tightens her hips and curses the moistness welling up inside her loins. Sin knows no boundaries. Hannah lightly moistens her lips as Darby begins to swell. The thought of Hannah seeing his impending condition causes him to rise from his chair. Hannah has her spectacles on, and Darby's erect penis strains at the fabric of his trousers proudly pointing to her, and beckoning her closer at the same time.
= MY SUGGESTION= (this is remaining in Darby's pov =BUT= still gets across Emma's thoughts. See Below, how tweaking the verbiage does this).
I see how Hannah tightens her hips. I'd bet she's cursing the moistness that must be welling inside her loins. And, knowing her as I do, she's most likely thinking about how Sin knows no boundaries.
Damn ... every time she moistens those kissable lips, it causes me to swell. The thought of Hannah seeing my impending condition forces me out of my chair. I have to hide my grin, because I'd lay odds beneath her spectacles, she sees my erect penis straining through the fabric of my trousers--proudly saluting her--beckoning her closer. Oh yes!
She probably thinks I can't see, but I notice how she can't keep her nervous hands quiet. Not to mention her furrowed brow. It looks like the prim and proper Hannah has her own urges ... indeed she does. That makes me happy.
= So, you see, how tweaking can get the other person's thoughts to surface, BUT within =ONE= pov. (*<*)
= Great chapter, giving the reader the creepy crawlies about Darby.
* Cheers & Blessings *
Keep Smilin'... Jackie/Jax (*>*)
Comment Written 13-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 13-Mar-2016
-
OH. YAY!!!! This is exactly what I dreamed of. You are the angel of all angels. I'm somewhat of a novice so this is the kind of instruction that just makes my day. Wow. I can study this now and learn something. You've explained it beautifully and I DO understand it. This is a huge help. I've already written more of this and I can go take a look now and try and get it straight BEFORE I post it. :)) Thanks so much. mikey
-
You are very welcome. (*<*)
I always enjoyed passing on what I've learned.
<> FYI: Things to watch for to many for... Not that you can't use them--just try minimizing.
= Adverbs
= Passive Phrases.
= Sentences ending with preposition
= When you catch yourself using them =stop= go back and reword your sentence. Tweaking works wonders.
<> Watch out for ...
= Redundant verbiage
= Excess (fluff) verbiage (it over-emphasizes intent) sounds too ... too... (*<*)
<> There is a GREAT software program FREE!
= editminion.com
= Fantastic tool.
= It gives you a readout with word count/color coding to let you know if you've overdone it in certain areas.
= Just copy/paste chapter into it.
= Click edit---that easy. (*<*)
Comment from foxangie123
Scarey for real. This may sound retarded but are serpents lizards too. One day I will tell you that this reminded me of but nt in writing. You are awesome..
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2016
|
Scarey for real. This may sound retarded but are serpents lizards too. One day I will tell you that this reminded me of but nt in writing. You are awesome..
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 13-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2016
-
They're in the same family, but most people associate them with snakes. :)) I'll remember to remind you. HA! You are too sweet. mikey
-
I just tell the truth. When the truth is less positive I roll that out too. I get blocked but their loss not mine:)))) you rock..
Comment from nordicgirl
Michael, this is very different for you and I don`t mean the mild sex, though that is just a small part of your fabulous bag of tricks or so I have heard. LOL! No, the patience in introducing the various elements is unlike you and I LIKE IT!!!! ,keep this pace and don`t be rushed. DO NOT LISTEN TO ANYONE. This is good.
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2016
 |
Michael, this is very different for you and I don`t mean the mild sex, though that is just a small part of your fabulous bag of tricks or so I have heard. LOL! No, the patience in introducing the various elements is unlike you and I LIKE IT!!!! ,keep this pace and don`t be rushed. DO NOT LISTEN TO ANYONE. This is good.
Comment Written 13-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2016
-
Yes, I like to keep mild sex around as a warm up for the shy and inexperienced. It can always be taken up a notch, but it's more difficult to gear it down when they are already in shock. Writing wise that is. So, the pace is good, keep the pace. Okay. I usually follow your advice as I know you read a lot. Thanks, I think I'm going to do just that. mikey
Comment from brenda bickers
Hi Mikey, I am not sure what pov means but everything looks ok to me. This is an interesting read, and I love the suspense. Are Hannah and Darby of the same age?
Great stuff.
Ready for the next chapter now!!!!!!!!
Brenda
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2016
|
Hi Mikey, I am not sure what pov means but everything looks ok to me. This is an interesting read, and I love the suspense. Are Hannah and Darby of the same age?
Great stuff.
Ready for the next chapter now!!!!!!!!
Brenda
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 13-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2016
-
HA! They got to me, Brenda. I'm talking technical mumbo jumbo!
POV is point of view. It's like, whose eyes are we seeing the story through. Sometimes it's the person telling the story who describes everything they see. Or it could be a character in the story. In my case, I have different people telling different parts. The nightwatchman tells his part, The headmistress tells hers, I, as the narrator, might tell another. There's a fancy word for it.
Glad you asked? HAHAHA!!!!
Anyway, I'm thrilled your enjoying and the next chapter is already posted. mikey
