2015 Haiku
Viewing comments for Chapter 45 "Haiku ( Crabs Fight )"A collection of haiku I wrote in 2015
23 total reviews
Comment from Benjamin Valencia
Hey..this was a clever little treasure penned quite innovatively. I enjoyed the Hermit retreat. Two meanings immediately stand out, hermit's as in the people wanting to live alone and the name for the crabs. The pebble beach was nicely used because the imagery of the crabs tossing pebbles at each other like stones can be imagined. heh heh. Cheers.
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2015
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Hey..this was a clever little treasure penned quite innovatively. I enjoyed the Hermit retreat. Two meanings immediately stand out, hermit's as in the people wanting to live alone and the name for the crabs. The pebble beach was nicely used because the imagery of the crabs tossing pebbles at each other like stones can be imagined. heh heh. Cheers.
Comment Written 24-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2015
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Thank you Benjamin :)
Comment from mfowler
Your red, yellow colour scheme gives the poem a summer feel from the beginning. Taking us to Pebble beach and then down to the action of the crab is very evocative. Without images, that's a good trait. The punny 'hermit's retreat' completes the imagery perfectly. Best of luck.
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2015
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Your red, yellow colour scheme gives the poem a summer feel from the beginning. Taking us to Pebble beach and then down to the action of the crab is very evocative. Without images, that's a good trait. The punny 'hermit's retreat' completes the imagery perfectly. Best of luck.
Comment Written 24-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2015
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Thank you mfowler :)
Comment from Jackarrie
Hi,
This is a very good entry into the summer haiku contest. Plenty of rules, you have managed to write without breaking any. the presentation is summery.
good luck in the contest.
Mary
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2015
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Hi,
This is a very good entry into the summer haiku contest. Plenty of rules, you have managed to write without breaking any. the presentation is summery.
good luck in the contest.
Mary
Comment Written 24-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2015
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Thank you Mary :)
Comment from Chunger
This is one of the few poems I would like to see a picture for. Is the speaker describing two crabs fighting? Or the mass exodus of crabs to the ocean that covers the sand in a fight to the ocean? both are great ideas but evoke different emotions. Good job and good luck in the contest.
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2015
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This is one of the few poems I would like to see a picture for. Is the speaker describing two crabs fighting? Or the mass exodus of crabs to the ocean that covers the sand in a fight to the ocean? both are great ideas but evoke different emotions. Good job and good luck in the contest.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 23-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2015
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thanks
Comment from lightink
Your satori line made me laugh! It's a rather witty piece! You have a clear and crystallized concrete imagery. The only thing I am wondering about, maybe making the first two lines into one sentence would connect the two line grammatically a little more. It would be a pretty easy fix, if you are interested: just saying "crabS fight" instead of "crab fight". It's just a suggestion, the poem is quite good anyway!
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2015
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Your satori line made me laugh! It's a rather witty piece! You have a clear and crystallized concrete imagery. The only thing I am wondering about, maybe making the first two lines into one sentence would connect the two line grammatically a little more. It would be a pretty easy fix, if you are interested: just saying "crabS fight" instead of "crab fight". It's just a suggestion, the poem is quite good anyway!
Comment Written 23-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2015
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Thank you Lightink :)
Comment from mermaids
Love your haiku form about the crab. I have several poems about crabs in my portfolio. Hermit retreat is a wonderful last line that is an excellent play on words. It also fits as the last line of the poem, summing up the theme.
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2015
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Love your haiku form about the crab. I have several poems about crabs in my portfolio. Hermit retreat is a wonderful last line that is an excellent play on words. It also fits as the last line of the poem, summing up the theme.
Comment Written 23-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2015
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Thank you mermaids :)
Comment from LeslieP5
This haiku indirectly references summer with its crab fight at sunny Pebble Beach. There is no place that resonates with the ide of summer than a scene from a beach, in this case a hermit retreat. Well done.
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2015
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This haiku indirectly references summer with its crab fight at sunny Pebble Beach. There is no place that resonates with the ide of summer than a scene from a beach, in this case a hermit retreat. Well done.
Comment Written 23-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2015
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Thank you Leslie :)
Comment from kiwisteveh
I like your haiku with its clever last line, but I do have a query as to its true haiku-ness (since the organiser seems to have spelled out conditions to try to get 'real' haiku)
Really your whole poem revolves around that play on the word 'hermit' (or maybe on the whole phrase 'hermit retreat') and I suspect that this is not the sort of 'aha moment' most haikuistas think of. In my humble opinion, it should not be a case of verbal legerdemain (always wanted to use that word in a conversation), but rather a perspective on the preceding two lines.
Hope that makes sense, and, as I said, your poem is enjoyable to be just because of the pun.
Steve
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2015
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I like your haiku with its clever last line, but I do have a query as to its true haiku-ness (since the organiser seems to have spelled out conditions to try to get 'real' haiku)
Really your whole poem revolves around that play on the word 'hermit' (or maybe on the whole phrase 'hermit retreat') and I suspect that this is not the sort of 'aha moment' most haikuistas think of. In my humble opinion, it should not be a case of verbal legerdemain (always wanted to use that word in a conversation), but rather a perspective on the preceding two lines.
Hope that makes sense, and, as I said, your poem is enjoyable to be just because of the pun.
Steve
Comment Written 23-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2015
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Thanks :)
Comment from c_lucas
Crabs wer always ready to fight in a pinch. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very interesting read. There is very good imagery. Good luck in your contest.
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2015
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Crabs wer always ready to fight in a pinch. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very interesting read. There is very good imagery. Good luck in your contest.
Comment Written 23-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2015
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Thank you c lucas :)
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You're welcome.
Comment from Domino 2
Being a 'hermit' myself, this one struck a chord - I've also been accused of being 'crabby', occasionally. :-)
This sure is a sunny, bright colour presentation.
Nice flow of words, and I feel 'retreat' could have a double-meaning. I would personally consider, 'retreats' to infer one of them lost the 'fight' and retreated in shame, but that would lose the double-meaning to also infer 'sanctuary'.
Good luck and best wishes, Ray
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2015
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Being a 'hermit' myself, this one struck a chord - I've also been accused of being 'crabby', occasionally. :-)
This sure is a sunny, bright colour presentation.
Nice flow of words, and I feel 'retreat' could have a double-meaning. I would personally consider, 'retreats' to infer one of them lost the 'fight' and retreated in shame, but that would lose the double-meaning to also infer 'sanctuary'.
Good luck and best wishes, Ray
Comment Written 23-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2015
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Thank you Ray :)