2015 Haiku
Viewing comments for Chapter 48 "haiku ( radiant sun )"A collection of haiku I wrote in 2015
32 total reviews
Comment from Pam (respa)
-You follow the directions for the contest and presentation is good.
-Lines one and two connect well.
-Vivid imagery used-'radiant sun' 'behind mountain'.
-Very clever satori line.
reply by the author on 19-Aug-2015
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-You follow the directions for the contest and presentation is good.
-Lines one and two connect well.
-Vivid imagery used-'radiant sun' 'behind mountain'.
-Very clever satori line.
Comment Written 19-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 19-Aug-2015
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Thank you respa :)
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You are welcome.
Comment from Taffspride
I prefer this version to your first posting, here you meet all of the contest rules.
Two interconnected concrete images, and a well thought out satori.
Good luck in the contest.
Iechyd da
Ann
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2015
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I prefer this version to your first posting, here you meet all of the contest rules.
Two interconnected concrete images, and a well thought out satori.
Good luck in the contest.
Iechyd da
Ann
Comment Written 16-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2015
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Thank you Ann :) what is lechyd da?
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You are welcome.
iechyd da (good health, or mor commonly cheers)
Ann
Comment from The Mom/DarleneThomson
This is a lovely haiku. Thinking of the sun sunny side reminds me of breakfast LOL. Very well written. I love no artwork just the colour of yellow. Makes it seem like the sun is shining right now. Best wishes in the contest.
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2015
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This is a lovely haiku. Thinking of the sun sunny side reminds me of breakfast LOL. Very well written. I love no artwork just the colour of yellow. Makes it seem like the sun is shining right now. Best wishes in the contest.
Comment Written 08-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2015
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Thank you Darlene :)
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Your welcome
Comment from ann marie mazz
hello gypsy blue
you grace us with a beautiful moment in time
not to mention you give the gift of tranquility
the imagery is wonderful
the format is in proper form
all is well within the entry
thank you for sharing your talent
good luck with the contest
ann marie
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2015
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hello gypsy blue
you grace us with a beautiful moment in time
not to mention you give the gift of tranquility
the imagery is wonderful
the format is in proper form
all is well within the entry
thank you for sharing your talent
good luck with the contest
ann marie
Comment Written 06-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2015
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Thank you Ann Marie :)
Comment from patsolstad
What a beautiful portrait you have painted with your words! As I read through it, over and over, I thought about the possibility of one word change: what do you think of 'radiant orb'? This might work better because one does not read the echo of 'sun' in 'sunny.' Does this make sense? At any rate, it is gorgeous as is...
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2015
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What a beautiful portrait you have painted with your words! As I read through it, over and over, I thought about the possibility of one word change: what do you think of 'radiant orb'? This might work better because one does not read the echo of 'sun' in 'sunny.' Does this make sense? At any rate, it is gorgeous as is...
Comment Written 05-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2015
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Hello, I am going to keep it the way it is but thank you for the feedback. I appreciate the review.
Comment from Jackarrie
A very good entry into the Nature Haiku,
radiant sun
descends behind mountain
sunny side up
4-6-4 syllables, well done. good luck in the contest.
Mary
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2015
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A very good entry into the Nature Haiku,
radiant sun
descends behind mountain
sunny side up
4-6-4 syllables, well done. good luck in the contest.
Mary
Comment Written 05-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2015
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thank you Mary :)
Comment from mountainwriter49
First Review: 5 Stars
Contest Compliant:
Hello, Poet,
Thanks so much for participating in this contest!
I enjoyed reading your haiku this afternoon. It is in fine form and compliant with contest rules.
You have captured a moment in time and have presented it in two grammatically connected lines. Within these 2 lines, you've created a concrete image for the reader to image and enjoy. In the third line, you've provided a superb satori/ah-ha line. It too forms a concrete image. The juxtaposing of these two concrete images provides the reader with a terrific ah-ah and then sets his mind off to ponder similar sunsets he's enjoyed. The satori-ah-ha is simply genius. I love it!
You've written in present tense and have avoided gerunds, rhyme, unnecessary punctuation and capitalization. Importantly, you have not personified nature. You've used good, strong word choices to help create a vivid image. The alliteration used in line 3 is just enough--not overdone.
Even though you've done a splendid job with this haiku and it is contest compliant, may I offer a few suggestions for you to consider?
Haiku admires word economy, thus the contest seeking entries less than 17 syllables. I think you've an opportunity to further reduce the syllable count by removing a couple of unnecessary words, and still not harm the thrust of the haiku at all. For example, I would suggest removing 'hot' in line 1 and 'top' in line two. I think radiant gives the reader a splendid idea of the how the sun is looking. 'Hot' seems superfluous. Also in line 2, it is already a given that all mountains have a top or a ridge. Thus, top could be considered redundant to mountain. See what you think:
radiant sun
descends behind mountain
sunny side up
The other thing I would like to mention is one of format. Haiku are considered to be understated poems. May I suggest you change the bold font back to normal and remove the blank lines between the lines? In other words, just single space. Right now, the haiku seemingly jumps off of the page at the reader. I think it would be even more effective to be presented more subtly.
But these suggestions are just that since you've complied with all of those rules! Well done, my friend, and good luck to you in the contest.
-Ray
(mountainwriter49, contest sponser and monitor)
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2015
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First Review: 5 Stars
Contest Compliant:
Hello, Poet,
Thanks so much for participating in this contest!
I enjoyed reading your haiku this afternoon. It is in fine form and compliant with contest rules.
You have captured a moment in time and have presented it in two grammatically connected lines. Within these 2 lines, you've created a concrete image for the reader to image and enjoy. In the third line, you've provided a superb satori/ah-ha line. It too forms a concrete image. The juxtaposing of these two concrete images provides the reader with a terrific ah-ah and then sets his mind off to ponder similar sunsets he's enjoyed. The satori-ah-ha is simply genius. I love it!
You've written in present tense and have avoided gerunds, rhyme, unnecessary punctuation and capitalization. Importantly, you have not personified nature. You've used good, strong word choices to help create a vivid image. The alliteration used in line 3 is just enough--not overdone.
Even though you've done a splendid job with this haiku and it is contest compliant, may I offer a few suggestions for you to consider?
Haiku admires word economy, thus the contest seeking entries less than 17 syllables. I think you've an opportunity to further reduce the syllable count by removing a couple of unnecessary words, and still not harm the thrust of the haiku at all. For example, I would suggest removing 'hot' in line 1 and 'top' in line two. I think radiant gives the reader a splendid idea of the how the sun is looking. 'Hot' seems superfluous. Also in line 2, it is already a given that all mountains have a top or a ridge. Thus, top could be considered redundant to mountain. See what you think:
radiant sun
descends behind mountain
sunny side up
The other thing I would like to mention is one of format. Haiku are considered to be understated poems. May I suggest you change the bold font back to normal and remove the blank lines between the lines? In other words, just single space. Right now, the haiku seemingly jumps off of the page at the reader. I think it would be even more effective to be presented more subtly.
But these suggestions are just that since you've complied with all of those rules! Well done, my friend, and good luck to you in the contest.
-Ray
(mountainwriter49, contest sponser and monitor)
Comment Written 05-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2015
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Thank you so much Ray, I really appreciate your feedback and I like the changes. Thanks :)
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You are very welcome!
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I just noticed you did not change the title of the poem. That still shows as radiant hot sun. Just an FYI--you might want to change it to bring it into alignment with the revised first line. You're getting great reviews! I really like this haiku. -Ray
Comment from Dean Kuch
Well, you seemed to have conformed to all of the contest rules (and there were many!) very carefully, Gypsy. You included no gerunds, your haiku is in present tense--as if we were experiencing it firsthand--and the imagery created by your satori as the whole scene appearing like a gigantic egg in the sky, "sunny side up" was wonderful. Also, breakfast in the morning is said to be our most important meal of the day.
I wish the very best for you in the contest, my friend. ~Dean ":)
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2015
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Well, you seemed to have conformed to all of the contest rules (and there were many!) very carefully, Gypsy. You included no gerunds, your haiku is in present tense--as if we were experiencing it firsthand--and the imagery created by your satori as the whole scene appearing like a gigantic egg in the sky, "sunny side up" was wonderful. Also, breakfast in the morning is said to be our most important meal of the day.
I wish the very best for you in the contest, my friend. ~Dean ":)
Comment Written 05-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2015
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Thank you Handsome, I appreciate your feedback more than you can imagine. Thank you my friend. :)
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You are more than welcome, Gypsy darilin'. It's always a pleasure.
~Dean ;)
Comment from Nosha17
I liked your witty message, guess the fried egg really does look like a sun. Well chosen words and imagery and much luck in the contest. Faye
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2015
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I liked your witty message, guess the fried egg really does look like a sun. Well chosen words and imagery and much luck in the contest. Faye
Comment Written 05-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2015
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Thank you Faye :)
Comment from XGoneX
Hi,
This is a very good entry.
I liked the image you painted with your word choice. You described a beautiful nature element.
Good luck.
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2015
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Hi,
This is a very good entry.
I liked the image you painted with your word choice. You described a beautiful nature element.
Good luck.
Comment Written 05-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2015
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Thank you Jade :)