Comment from Tomes Johnston

Excellent

This is yet another terrifying poem from the author here. I have heard many frightening stories, but this is a new one on me. This is brilliant. Sorry, but no sixes left.

 Comment Written 28-Mar-2015

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reply by the author on 28-Mar-2015

Sixes are never necessary, my friend. I'm just glad you enjoyed it, and I hope you were entertained. That means more to me than anything else, my friend.

Thanks again. :} ~Dean

reply by Tomes Johnston on 29-Mar-2015

My pleasure

Comment from Sasha

Excellent

This definitely scared me. I used to have scary dreams but nothing like this one. Great chapter for the book, I look forward to reading the next chapter.

 Comment Written 28-Mar-2015

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reply by the author on 28-Mar-2015

Thanks, Sasha. I hope you're feeling better. I had some sort of bug about a month ago, and I'll tell you this, it was horrible! It seemed to linger on, and on...

I don't know why, but I often have nightmares. You'd think I'd be desensitized to horror, gore, blood and mayhem, and I am, really -- when awake. But subconsciously, I think some things bother me far more than I let on.

Thanks again, and stay healthy, ya' hear? :) ~Dean

Comment from Alan K Pease

Excellent

My own experience was a vacuum cleaner (stand up variety). I awoke to see it at the end of my bed. I was terrified it was a snake. Well written prose.

 Comment Written 28-Mar-2015

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reply by the author on 28-Mar-2015

That would be a bit unsettling, Alan. I like snakes personally, but I don't want one getting into bed with me. On second thought, I believe that's already happened a time or two, but I refused to see her again.

Thank you very much for your review. :) ~Dean

reply by Alan K Pease on 28-Mar-2015

Thanks for the laugh

reply by the author on 28-Mar-2015

;)

Comment from lancellot

Excellent

Very interesting. No this can be expanded into a longer tale if you wanted. I think something is about to kill daddy, otherwise why tell him to look. Good spooky shorty. Excellent presentation. Your tapping multiple senses with this post.

 Comment Written 28-Mar-2015

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reply by the author on 28-Mar-2015

Thanks, Lance, and you're right, I am trying to tap many different senses. In reality, all of the stories in this series will be under 200 words (which makes it a challenge for me as I tend to get a bit "wordy, LOL), and are stories that have been told around countless campfires, from urban myths or legends, and even contributions from good people, just like yourself. I'll be posting another story tomorrow which was told to by by girrafmang (Gareth). Of course, if a member gives me an idea, I will acknowledge them in my author's notes for their contribution.

So, if you've got any old urban myths or spooky stories bouncing around in your head, don't hesitate to shoot me a message. I wanted this to be a multi-authored book that everyone who wanted to could contribute, but I can't figure out how to do it. If you know, please, let me know.

Thanks again, Lance. Much obliged! :) ~Dean

reply by lancellot on 28-Mar-2015

You have to make a multi-authored book from the write menu:

Write


Short Work ?Story or Essay
?Poem
?One Scene Script

Book or Script
?A New Book
?Multi-Author Book
?Script
Inspired Writing ?Artwork Inspired
?Contest Inspired

reply by the author on 28-Mar-2015

Can I still do so with an existing book? I mean, can it be edited?

reply by lancellot on 28-Mar-2015

You would probably need Tom to do that, if possible.

reply by the author on 28-Mar-2015

Thank you, I'll see what he can do. I appreciate it! ;)

reply by lancellot on 28-Mar-2015

Or you could separate the chapters into single stories. Create a multi-authored book title, and then add the stories to it. That should work.

reply by the author on 28-Mar-2015

I might just try that if Tom isn't able to help me out.

Comment from barbara.wilkey

Excellent

OH MY! I have good bumps. That is some writing to cause that. You did a wonderful job and I wish I had a six left for your. This poem is good, but yucky a the same time. I am sure you understand.

 Comment Written 28-Mar-2015

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reply by the author on 28-Mar-2015

I understand perfectly, Barbara. And you pay me a great compliment by saying so, given the topic, of course...LOL.

Much obliged for the review, my friend. :) ~Dean

Comment from Deborah Marie

Excellent

Lovely. Virtual six! Please, How did you get the sound on here? Can you help me write one like this. I'd appreciate it, Deb

 Comment Written 28-Mar-2015

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reply by the author on 29-Mar-2015

I'll be more than happy to teach you how to do the same thing, Deborah. Just shoot me a message, my friend. Thanks a bunch for that "virtual", LOL.;}

~Dean

Comment from Patrick G Cox

Excellent

Hi Dean Kuch,

You do seem to have had some disturbing dreams as a youngster. This is a scary story, the question, of course, is which is the 'real' Betsy - the one in the bed? Or the one under it?

That's the problem with Dopplegängers ...

Patrick

 Comment Written 28-Mar-2015

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reply by the author on 28-Mar-2015

Yeah, you never know who's who, that's for sure, Patrick. And that's what makes them so creepy, I think.

Thanks so much for read and reviewing this for me, my friend. I really appreciate that! :) ~Dean

Comment from JanetRussek

Exceptional

Hello Dean,
To me there's nothing worse than a terrifying nightmare. You dread it's return.

Your story was great! As always, I enjoyed the read.

Warm Regards,
Janet

 Comment Written 28-Mar-2015

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reply by the author on 28-Mar-2015

Thanks so much, Janet. I'm really glad you and some others are digging this series. I'll admit, I was tentative at first, not knowing how well-received an entire series of flash fiction -- horror flash fiction at that -- would be by the readers here. But it's been a pleasant surprise thus far, and you're wonderful review and generous rating are no exception.

Thanks again, Janet. I hope you have a great weekend. :} ~Dean

reply by JanetRussek on 28-Mar-2015

Blessings, Dean.

reply by the author on 28-Mar-2015

And to you, Janet. :)

Comment from Louise Michelle

Excellent

This is really terrific, Dean. I'm sure many of the novelists will be begging you for more, but I love the abrupt endings in a micro fiction story.

Don't be confused. You can still classify it as flash, but when a piece is this short, it's usually called micro. And, of course, FS has no separate classification for this.

That ending just blew me away! I can visualize the father's face turning pale as he's struggling to breath. Turning the point of view right to the Doppelganger really leaves so much room for the old imagination to go nuts.

Hugs,
Lou

 Comment Written 28-Mar-2015

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reply by the author on 28-Mar-2015

Thanks, Lou, and that was really the entire point of the story, to leave it up to the reader as to what might happen next. If I've learned one thing during my time here, it's not to make micro or flash fiction black & white, If you do, it will fail. You have to let your readers imaginations take hold and run with the rest of the story.

Thanks so much again for your awesome feedback. I sure do appreciate it. :) ~Dean

Comment from jlkeltner

Excellent

Wow, what a surprise ending! I loved the twist, which to me says a lot about each person's perspective on things, especially someone whom we fear--perhaps they are just as afraid of us. This flash piece therefore has depth. On a more technical note, the pacing seems off with the girl under the bed gulping for air and then saying Shhhh. It would make more sense if the dad after seeing the quivering girl gasps or lets out some other sound of fear. Then, she would logically say, "shhh."
Also while getting technical, I would edit the following lines as such, by placing "and" in front of the two "then" and cutting the word "up' after "Grinning." The reason for the addition for "and" before then is because "then" is not a conjunction. Otherwise, this piece is clean and very well written.
Edgar hugs his daughter and then tucks her snugly into bed.
Grinning at her father ...
Edgar smiles, gets down on one knee, and then peers beneath the bed to humor her.

 Comment Written 28-Mar-2015

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reply by the author on 29-Mar-2015

Thank you very much, jlkeltner. I'm really glad you and some others are digging this series. I'll admit, I was tentative at first, not knowing how well-received an entire series of flash fiction -- horror flash fiction at that -- would be by the readers here. But it's been a pleasant surprise thus far, and you're wonderful review and rating are no exception.

Thanks again, my friend. I hope you're having a great weekend. :} ~Dean