Bedtime stories
Viewing comments for Prologue "First story"Many bedtime stories for children.
21 total reviews
Comment from Jay Squires
Mum had told the kids that on New Year's day the kids were allowed [Just as a suggestion, you might want to rephrase the sentence to avoid the double use of "kids", such as the use of "they" for the second one]
You need to go in manually and put a space between each paragraph. This is so short it won't take a minute, but it's part of the editing job.
She puts it in between them. [perhaps "the bowl" to replace "it", since you just had her diving for the nuts ... and "it" doesn't refer to nuts, but the bowl they are in.]
"How nice New Year is",says Nikki. [The comma goes inside the quote: "How nice New Year is," says Nikki. BTW, you do this just about every time.]
"Do we also get up early then?", [In this instance, the Question mark replaces the comma. You don't have a comma AFTER the quote.
Once the distraction because of all the punctuation errors was past, I was able to reread it for the really cute content. You do seem to have a good feel for the young mind.
I am deducting for the SPAG, but if you let me know that the corrections are made, I'll give you back the five.
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2014
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Mum had told the kids that on New Year's day the kids were allowed [Just as a suggestion, you might want to rephrase the sentence to avoid the double use of "kids", such as the use of "they" for the second one]
You need to go in manually and put a space between each paragraph. This is so short it won't take a minute, but it's part of the editing job.
She puts it in between them. [perhaps "the bowl" to replace "it", since you just had her diving for the nuts ... and "it" doesn't refer to nuts, but the bowl they are in.]
"How nice New Year is",says Nikki. [The comma goes inside the quote: "How nice New Year is," says Nikki. BTW, you do this just about every time.]
"Do we also get up early then?", [In this instance, the Question mark replaces the comma. You don't have a comma AFTER the quote.
Once the distraction because of all the punctuation errors was past, I was able to reread it for the really cute content. You do seem to have a good feel for the young mind.
I am deducting for the SPAG, but if you let me know that the corrections are made, I'll give you back the five.
Comment Written 21-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2014
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Thanks for your kind and nice review. Have a lovely weekend, Ine.
Comment from Glasstruth
Very nice dialogue. Sounds like something that might have been. I could see you adding more to this story. A great opening for more. A little bit different for you, but I think it's a good change. Write on! Les
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2014
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Very nice dialogue. Sounds like something that might have been. I could see you adding more to this story. A great opening for more. A little bit different for you, but I think it's a good change. Write on! Les
Comment Written 20-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2014
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Thanks for your kind and nice review. Have a lovely weekend, Ine.
Comment from Diny
For your first story it shows promise... I would put in more discription and change the first sentence. To something like...
Everyone but little Douglas and his sister Nikki are asleep in the house on the hill. Your first sentence should grab the reader!- Then when they creep into the lounge... discribe more of the surroundings painting a picture of the room. Turning the calander is exciting but why? A bit short but you do show talent- keep on writing,Di
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reply by the author on 21-Jun-2014
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For your first story it shows promise... I would put in more discription and change the first sentence. To something like...
Everyone but little Douglas and his sister Nikki are asleep in the house on the hill. Your first sentence should grab the reader!- Then when they creep into the lounge... discribe more of the surroundings painting a picture of the room. Turning the calander is exciting but why? A bit short but you do show talent- keep on writing,Di
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 20-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2014
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Thanks for your kind and nice review. Have a lovely weekend, Ine.
Comment from Bryana
Lovely story, it doesn't sound like fiction
to me. It's a good way to teach children about
time and to give them special privileges they
can learn about time and to share certain things
as nuts.
Excellent writing.
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2014
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Lovely story, it doesn't sound like fiction
to me. It's a good way to teach children about
time and to give them special privileges they
can learn about time and to share certain things
as nuts.
Excellent writing.
Comment Written 20-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2014
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Thanks for your kind and nice review. Have a lovely weekend, Ine.
Comment from adewpearl
On an other table are - another
You set the stage well in your opening lines
good dialogue that sounds like it's from a child's point of view
A cute story about how impatient children can be when they anticipate something and how they don't have a good grasp on time and dates yet :-) Brooke
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2014
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On an other table are - another
You set the stage well in your opening lines
good dialogue that sounds like it's from a child's point of view
A cute story about how impatient children can be when they anticipate something and how they don't have a good grasp on time and dates yet :-) Brooke
Comment Written 20-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2014
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Thanks for your kind and nice review. Have a lovely weekend, Ine.
Comment from MizKat
Hi Ine,
This is a really cute and interesting story for your Bedtime Story Book. You did a good job in writing it. I look forward to reading more of the stories.
Kat
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2014
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Hi Ine,
This is a really cute and interesting story for your Bedtime Story Book. You did a good job in writing it. I look forward to reading more of the stories.
Kat
Comment Written 20-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2014
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Thanks for your kind and nice review. Have a lovely weekend, Ine.
Comment from Treischel
A lovely little vignette about two children on New Year's Day and their innocent discussions about the calendar. They nicely share and engage in a very realistic conversation.
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2014
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A lovely little vignette about two children on New Year's Day and their innocent discussions about the calendar. They nicely share and engage in a very realistic conversation.
Comment Written 20-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2014
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Thanks for your kind and nice review. Have a lovely weekend, Ine.
Comment from l.raven
HI Ine, well this is a change...and I love it...A great little story of to children looking forward to the coming months and years...very well done...so glad to see you...Luff Linda xxoo
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2014
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HI Ine, well this is a change...and I love it...A great little story of to children looking forward to the coming months and years...very well done...so glad to see you...Luff Linda xxoo
Comment Written 20-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2014
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Thanks for your kind and nice review. Have a lovely weekend, Ine.
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your so welcome Ine...and you have a great one too!!!luff
Comment from amada
Beautiful and light story about these two kids, Nikki and Douglas. Expecting to read about their adventures in the new year they are just starting. I liked it!
reply by the author on 20-Jun-2014
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Beautiful and light story about these two kids, Nikki and Douglas. Expecting to read about their adventures in the new year they are just starting. I liked it!
Comment Written 20-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 20-Jun-2014
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Thanks for your kind and nice review. Have a lovely weekend, Ine.
Comment from TAB_that's me
You're moving on and adding story writing now - how nice. I don't know much writing stories but I don't think (my opinion) that a prologue would have conversation in it. Spag - On an other (should be one word - another) table are small bowls
Teresa
reply by the author on 20-Jun-2014
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You're moving on and adding story writing now - how nice. I don't know much writing stories but I don't think (my opinion) that a prologue would have conversation in it. Spag - On an other (should be one word - another) table are small bowls
Teresa
Comment Written 20-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 20-Jun-2014
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Thanks for your kind and nice review. Have a lovely weekend, Ine.