The Waters Off Rigel Part 1
Short Story19 total reviews
Comment from Rosalyne
Hi, Mikey.
Your story of space is an interesting concept. The romance and space travel is good. You've mentioned some notable facts, and important events and tragedies.
I hope I'm not overstepping with my suggestion. The style makes it somewhat difficult for me to connect with the characters. They are distant and narrated. With changing this into third person and adding dialogue, you have a great story. You are a very strong writer and draw in the readers. Your autobiography had me holding onto your every word. I identified with you, the writer, your story and life journey.
Bye
Rosalyne :)
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Hi, Mikey.
Your story of space is an interesting concept. The romance and space travel is good. You've mentioned some notable facts, and important events and tragedies.
I hope I'm not overstepping with my suggestion. The style makes it somewhat difficult for me to connect with the characters. They are distant and narrated. With changing this into third person and adding dialogue, you have a great story. You are a very strong writer and draw in the readers. Your autobiography had me holding onto your every word. I identified with you, the writer, your story and life journey.
Bye
Rosalyne :)
Comment Written 15-Jan-2014
Comment from Hadria
Bingo, Mikey! This one grabs me, the characters are alive to me and I want to follow them, black holes have always drawn me, I want to read on.
I think I would describe Sunny as a 'well proportioned' rather than 'proportional' woman and I think you would have 'gone with Mary or John' rather than 'went with' perhaps?
That aside, Rigel here I come
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Bingo, Mikey! This one grabs me, the characters are alive to me and I want to follow them, black holes have always drawn me, I want to read on.
I think I would describe Sunny as a 'well proportioned' rather than 'proportional' woman and I think you would have 'gone with Mary or John' rather than 'went with' perhaps?
That aside, Rigel here I come
Comment Written 15-Jan-2014
Comment from Green Lake Girl
An interesting read, Mike. There is still lots of "telling" and not "showing". For example:
He was downright hilarious. He looked like Albert Einstein gone mad, more hair, crazy ideas, laughing at his own thoughts as though the whole of existence was hilarious, but only he got the joke.
Give us some dialog or evidence that he was hilarious. Show us some of his thoughts.
That's my two cents worth of input today!
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An interesting read, Mike. There is still lots of "telling" and not "showing". For example:
He was downright hilarious. He looked like Albert Einstein gone mad, more hair, crazy ideas, laughing at his own thoughts as though the whole of existence was hilarious, but only he got the joke.
Give us some dialog or evidence that he was hilarious. Show us some of his thoughts.
That's my two cents worth of input today!
Comment Written 15-Jan-2014
Comment from 24chas
I can tell already I'm going to like this story. This was, as usual, well written and engaging. The narration is the key to a good story and yours is perfect.
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I can tell already I'm going to like this story. This was, as usual, well written and engaging. The narration is the key to a good story and yours is perfect.
Comment Written 15-Jan-2014
Comment from Nosha17
I am glad it is not too Scientific. I liked the description of the romance at the start, it was very believable and well-written. You made good use of language and your characters were sympathetic and well-drawn. The Science fiction part looks interesting. Faye
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I am glad it is not too Scientific. I liked the description of the romance at the start, it was very believable and well-written. You made good use of language and your characters were sympathetic and well-drawn. The Science fiction part looks interesting. Faye
Comment Written 15-Jan-2014
Comment from crzypnter
I like the casual style of your writing. Curious as to where this story will go. This is indeed a perilous journey your taking us on I like the humor of the piece and I think we are all in that canary cage Nice job August
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I like the casual style of your writing. Curious as to where this story will go. This is indeed a perilous journey your taking us on I like the humor of the piece and I think we are all in that canary cage Nice job August
Comment Written 15-Jan-2014
Comment from Barb Hensongispsaca
What a nice start to a written piece and I can follow from the beginning.
I still like your wtitings with humor.
I hope your birthday is wonderful and you do something to write about
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What a nice start to a written piece and I can follow from the beginning.
I still like your wtitings with humor.
I hope your birthday is wonderful and you do something to write about
Comment Written 15-Jan-2014
Comment from country ranch writer
You are so funny paper the canary cage indeed. Quite a tale you have started here, stopped in to see what you had hidden up your sleeve this time.
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You are so funny paper the canary cage indeed. Quite a tale you have started here, stopped in to see what you had hidden up your sleeve this time.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 15-Jan-2014
Comment from CR Delport
Mike, like always, I like your casual writing style. It makes for a good read. This is an interesting story and I'm curious to see where this goes.
She did not attempt to sound crude and she did not. --- this sentence doesn't make any sense. If you said: She did not attempt to sound crude, but she did. That would work, otherwise the entire sentence is unnecessary.
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
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Mike, like always, I like your casual writing style. It makes for a good read. This is an interesting story and I'm curious to see where this goes.
She did not attempt to sound crude and she did not. --- this sentence doesn't make any sense. If you said: She did not attempt to sound crude, but she did. That would work, otherwise the entire sentence is unnecessary.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 15-Jan-2014