Free Verse Collection 2
Viewing comments for Chapter 5 "For A Pause In Current"selections for seal submission
15 total reviews
Comment from rama devi
Enjoyed this. It's not too long. I very much enjoyed your use of creative formatting to give a flowing sense of moving water by using indents with many lines. Quite effective and it suits the theme well.
I love using such devices to sculpt phrasing, and I see it so rarely on FS...not sure why! I think you're done it deftly and musically. Bravo.
LOVE this metaphor and the voicing of it:
even here a barnacle
clings to frozen debris
laying claim to a small piece
of a large reality
it sings its song
as we all do
and sends it out at random,
on whatever current happens by
However, I strongly recommend trimming off the line AS WE ALL DO because the metaphor reveals this and "telling' it makes it sound preachy rather than reflective and didactic.
and then the music of the ocean's dance
has a new counterpoint
to weave into its own melody
a bit of harmony perhaps
maybe a lost symbol crash
in the middle of a crescendo
or even a lucky three note solo
in between movements
Love love love love love the musical references, so tightly woven with finesse and flow and feeling! Enjoyed the alliteration of S and C and M and the assonance of E. LOVE THE MEANING TOO! Kudos.
there's no way to fathom the current's whim
the currents are without feeling
yet, we praise them
and damn them
and blame them
and thank them
as if they knew
the havoc or joy they brought us
Wonderful. Delightfully thought provoking and so true. Nice flow with line breaks too--rhythmic.
and some need
to find reason and order
begins forming a delicate web
and we trap ourselves within
even as we try to hold the universe
captive for a moment
but, it never pauses
never pauses
Good shift...and great repetition. Well voiced stanza
that is the tragedy
for a moment's pause
is all we require
a brief peak at the puzzle
stationary
a clear picture
to fit our piece in
that damn nonsensical piece
so forlorn and mishapened
unconnected
but, for brief encounters
with passing currents
on their way
as you are on your way
no pause
never a pause
Love the contemplative content in above stanza as well as the raw emotional overtones and also the fine repeat of repetition. Note one spag:
a brief peak at the puzzle
a brief peek at the puzzle
how noble the struggle is
when at best,
futility is your goal
an endless search for truth
when there is none
finally you accept a world
that never pauses
never pauses
Good good good. Fine chorus of never pauses again. Strong POV.
you realize
there is no puzzle
only debris
and you are sorry for
the frightened little particles
that cling to each other
squinting at some picture
of themselves intertwined
proclaiming themselves
the cornerstone
So sad. A tragic outlook--intense and well expressed. Lots of fine phonetics and poetics too.
and then sorrow turns to contempt
and you pray for ice
for it seems less frantic
and there is order in some measure
alone
POIGNANT. Strong imagery--very effective.
but, the currents stop for nothing
for no one
never pausing
never pausing
and insanity reveals its truth (POWERFUL LINE)
and meaning
and you embrace it
with gratitude
as you realize
that in all the universe
all the chaos
the hopeless maelstrom of existence
there is one
current
that will pause
Extremely powerful closing line--a sudden twist--startling and very very effective.
I think this is very close to a six but has some tiny tweaks and fine tuning that could improve it.
One more nit is that almost every line avoids end-line except for two random commas, which I suggest deleting so the style remains consistent:
and sends it out at random,
and
when at best,
This is one of my favorites of yours.
BRAVO!
Warly, rd
reply by the author on 16-Oct-2013
  |
Enjoyed this. It's not too long. I very much enjoyed your use of creative formatting to give a flowing sense of moving water by using indents with many lines. Quite effective and it suits the theme well.
I love using such devices to sculpt phrasing, and I see it so rarely on FS...not sure why! I think you're done it deftly and musically. Bravo.
LOVE this metaphor and the voicing of it:
even here a barnacle
clings to frozen debris
laying claim to a small piece
of a large reality
it sings its song
as we all do
and sends it out at random,
on whatever current happens by
However, I strongly recommend trimming off the line AS WE ALL DO because the metaphor reveals this and "telling' it makes it sound preachy rather than reflective and didactic.
and then the music of the ocean's dance
has a new counterpoint
to weave into its own melody
a bit of harmony perhaps
maybe a lost symbol crash
in the middle of a crescendo
or even a lucky three note solo
in between movements
Love love love love love the musical references, so tightly woven with finesse and flow and feeling! Enjoyed the alliteration of S and C and M and the assonance of E. LOVE THE MEANING TOO! Kudos.
there's no way to fathom the current's whim
the currents are without feeling
yet, we praise them
and damn them
and blame them
and thank them
as if they knew
the havoc or joy they brought us
Wonderful. Delightfully thought provoking and so true. Nice flow with line breaks too--rhythmic.
and some need
to find reason and order
begins forming a delicate web
and we trap ourselves within
even as we try to hold the universe
captive for a moment
but, it never pauses
never pauses
Good shift...and great repetition. Well voiced stanza
that is the tragedy
for a moment's pause
is all we require
a brief peak at the puzzle
stationary
a clear picture
to fit our piece in
that damn nonsensical piece
so forlorn and mishapened
unconnected
but, for brief encounters
with passing currents
on their way
as you are on your way
no pause
never a pause
Love the contemplative content in above stanza as well as the raw emotional overtones and also the fine repeat of repetition. Note one spag:
a brief peak at the puzzle
a brief peek at the puzzle
how noble the struggle is
when at best,
futility is your goal
an endless search for truth
when there is none
finally you accept a world
that never pauses
never pauses
Good good good. Fine chorus of never pauses again. Strong POV.
you realize
there is no puzzle
only debris
and you are sorry for
the frightened little particles
that cling to each other
squinting at some picture
of themselves intertwined
proclaiming themselves
the cornerstone
So sad. A tragic outlook--intense and well expressed. Lots of fine phonetics and poetics too.
and then sorrow turns to contempt
and you pray for ice
for it seems less frantic
and there is order in some measure
alone
POIGNANT. Strong imagery--very effective.
but, the currents stop for nothing
for no one
never pausing
never pausing
and insanity reveals its truth (POWERFUL LINE)
and meaning
and you embrace it
with gratitude
as you realize
that in all the universe
all the chaos
the hopeless maelstrom of existence
there is one
current
that will pause
Extremely powerful closing line--a sudden twist--startling and very very effective.
I think this is very close to a six but has some tiny tweaks and fine tuning that could improve it.
One more nit is that almost every line avoids end-line except for two random commas, which I suggest deleting so the style remains consistent:
and sends it out at random,
and
when at best,
This is one of my favorites of yours.
BRAVO!
Warly, rd
Comment Written 16-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 16-Oct-2013
-
I have used indenting since high school and it is second nature to me now. I think originally I saw some other poets do it and liked the look of it and the way a readers eyes could be directed with it. You are correct that not too many here use that. I also get confused responses when I use it. They wonder why and what it means or they can't follow it. Oh well, I am over that. hahaha. You are most correct on that line 'as we all do'. An insensitive mind suddenly speaks. It is removed. Thank you for catching that. Removed the two commas also. I have been trying to improve my punctuation skills so, I think they excaped from my subconscious. Close to a six suits me fine in conjunction with a most informative review. A piece like this most often flows out pretty quick and complete. I am so appreciative of seeing it broken down and discussed in detail. It reinforces what I perhaps thought but, didn't consider as I wrote if that makes sense. Wonderful comments and words of praise. So very, very appreciative of your time and effort, mike
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Thanks for your wonderful and gracious response, Mike. I often write the same way--it just flows. The muse knows! LOL
Warm smiles, rd
Comment from Just Pete
I enjoyed this poem, reading it as an extended metaphor. Well chosen words with a philosophical look at life. Just one question - is the word peak or peek (took a look at)? 'a brief peak at the puzzle' (Just so you know I did read it (:
reply by the author on 16-Oct-2013
|
I enjoyed this poem, reading it as an extended metaphor. Well chosen words with a philosophical look at life. Just one question - is the word peak or peek (took a look at)? 'a brief peak at the puzzle' (Just so you know I did read it (:
Comment Written 16-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 16-Oct-2013
-
Yes, peek. Good catch, I fixed it. Glad you liked this. I do appreciate you reading it very much. Some don't. HA! As we all know. Great review, mike
Comment from CR Delport
Never apologize for what you have to write. It is up to use the readers whether we want to read what you have written. I have no problem with this. It is well written. I must admit, I have a very healthy respect for the ocean, and although I love it, are always very careful.
reply by the author on 16-Oct-2013
|
Never apologize for what you have to write. It is up to use the readers whether we want to read what you have written. I have no problem with this. It is well written. I must admit, I have a very healthy respect for the ocean, and although I love it, are always very careful.
Comment Written 16-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 16-Oct-2013
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Thank you kindly. I was just trying to dissuade those that judge something by how long or too long it is. ha! So very pleased that you read and enjoyed it. I adore the ocean. I am with you though, no sense testing its powers. mike
Comment from Barb Hensongispsaca
Szorry you intrigue me and therefore are stuck with me.
This had to be long or you would never be able to fully understand what you wanted to say. We have to keep looking for that one nich in life just for us
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reply by the author on 16-Oct-2013
|
Szorry you intrigue me and therefore are stuck with me.
This had to be long or you would never be able to fully understand what you wanted to say. We have to keep looking for that one nich in life just for us
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 16-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 16-Oct-2013
-
Oh, bless you for that. Not too many people think that my pieces need to be so long. hahaha. I shall refer them to you! Thank you kindly. I just kept writing until I said what I wanted to say. Sometimes they aren't so long. ha! regards, mikey
Comment from country ranch writer
THE COMING AND GOINGS OF THE OCEAN NEVER PAUSE IT MIGHT COME TO A CRAWL BUT IS STILL COMING AND GOING WITH THE TIDES AND THEY STOP FOR NO MAN. AS THE TIDE COMES AND GOES IT PICKS UP ALL SORTS OF THINGS IT WASHES IN TO SHORE AND AS YOU EXPLORE THE BEACH ON YOUR WALKS IT WASHES UP BUY YOUR FEET. THE SONG OF THE OCEAN BRINGS WITH IT MOTION AND EMOTION FELLING AS THE OCEAN IS A LIVE AND DOING WHAT IT DOES BEST, EVEN WHEN THE ICE FLOWS COME THE WATER BELOW STILL GOES ON ITS MERRY WAY COLLECTING WITH IT THINGS IT HAS COLLECTED ALONG THE WAY AND THEN WE PAUSE OUT OF WONDERMENT OF IT ALL
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 16-Oct-2013
|
THE COMING AND GOINGS OF THE OCEAN NEVER PAUSE IT MIGHT COME TO A CRAWL BUT IS STILL COMING AND GOING WITH THE TIDES AND THEY STOP FOR NO MAN. AS THE TIDE COMES AND GOES IT PICKS UP ALL SORTS OF THINGS IT WASHES IN TO SHORE AND AS YOU EXPLORE THE BEACH ON YOUR WALKS IT WASHES UP BUY YOUR FEET. THE SONG OF THE OCEAN BRINGS WITH IT MOTION AND EMOTION FELLING AS THE OCEAN IS A LIVE AND DOING WHAT IT DOES BEST, EVEN WHEN THE ICE FLOWS COME THE WATER BELOW STILL GOES ON ITS MERRY WAY COLLECTING WITH IT THINGS IT HAS COLLECTED ALONG THE WAY AND THEN WE PAUSE OUT OF WONDERMENT OF IT ALL
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 16-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 16-Oct-2013
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Beautifully put as always. Half the time your reviews are more interesting then the pieces your reviewing!! Thank you very much, mike
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HOPE THAT'S A GOOD THING
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a very good thing!
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YOU ARE WELCOME AND THANKS
