Paper Dolls and Toy Soldiers
Viewing comments for Prologue "Paper Dolls"selections for seal submission
17 total reviews
Comment from mickbey
A lot of insight and emotion comes pouring out of this poem, it is honest and raw, creative use of strong images that produced energy and heat, I like the way the poem ended, it gave me the feeling that the score was evened up, strong write.
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2013
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A lot of insight and emotion comes pouring out of this poem, it is honest and raw, creative use of strong images that produced energy and heat, I like the way the poem ended, it gave me the feeling that the score was evened up, strong write.
Comment Written 08-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2013
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glad to here you liked this one. wasn't sure how this might be received. your positive words are very encouraging. thank you very much. mike
Comment from ravenblack
I know this place, have been stuck there myself. And when in this place, we choke ourselves with smoke partially acknowledging our own hand in building the trap cursed with the clarity to see it , a way out but the only known way writing it out which sometimes seems like a trap unto itself. Last stanza - you mocking the reader.
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2013
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I know this place, have been stuck there myself. And when in this place, we choke ourselves with smoke partially acknowledging our own hand in building the trap cursed with the clarity to see it , a way out but the only known way writing it out which sometimes seems like a trap unto itself. Last stanza - you mocking the reader.
Comment Written 08-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2013
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I and I am sure many writers have said: "if only one person gets this then I will be happy." when I read your review that comes to mind. really delighted to read this. much appreciated and very encouraging. thank you very much. mike
Comment from Lighthouse Keeper
"I awake choking
in a smoke filled room
with no escape
without the caress of ignorance"
I like these lines the best. They capture a great thought and sad truth. Nicely done. The second half flows better for me that the first.
(I am new to this so perhaps my scale is off. When I sore a "3" I really mean to say a piece is "good". I REALLY mean it's good. I reserve the 4s and 5s for the
strikingly great or excellent.) Your work is quite good.
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reply by the author on 08-Sep-2013
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"I awake choking
in a smoke filled room
with no escape
without the caress of ignorance"
I like these lines the best. They capture a great thought and sad truth. Nicely done. The second half flows better for me that the first.
(I am new to this so perhaps my scale is off. When I sore a "3" I really mean to say a piece is "good". I REALLY mean it's good. I reserve the 4s and 5s for the
strikingly great or excellent.) Your work is quite good.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 08-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2013
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please you liked this. I was worried this might be hard to follow. shouldn't under estimate the great audience here. thank you so much. mike
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as a point of curiousity. since you enjoyed my piece and have no criticisms i was wondering why you felt a rather low mark was in order?
Comment from thequeencatalyst
I had to read this slowly, because not only were your words somewhat confusing in the way they were organised, but also because of the format you chose. The spacing is irregular and distracts the reader from the work itself. Did you mean to do that?
I like the content of this poem though, and what I think the meaning behind it is. Very, very well done poetry! But like I said before, the spacing is confusing and irregular.
Aside from that, kudos!
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2013
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I had to read this slowly, because not only were your words somewhat confusing in the way they were organised, but also because of the format you chose. The spacing is irregular and distracts the reader from the work itself. Did you mean to do that?
I like the content of this poem though, and what I think the meaning behind it is. Very, very well done poetry! But like I said before, the spacing is confusing and irregular.
Aside from that, kudos!
Comment Written 08-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2013
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yes, it is intentional. a style that some use to set words apart and phrases as well. some people like it and some people find it confusing. I am happy you decided to just consider the words and found them to your liking. that makes for good reviewing taking the time like that and is very appreciated. warm regards, mike
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Well, I can see how it would be useful for some poems. Thank you for letting me know! I appreciate it, especially since I'm so young and really know diddly squat about poetry c:
Anyway, your work was still quite good!
Have a fabulous week! - Jasmine May
Comment from Cookie333
And you wrote about it so clearly...and with so many unique word combinations...very refreshing for this reader. Every now and then a piece just pops out, and it takes a while to figure out 'why'-putting it down on paper helps us analyze what is right and what we hope to change,
thank you my friend,
karen
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2013
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And you wrote about it so clearly...and with so many unique word combinations...very refreshing for this reader. Every now and then a piece just pops out, and it takes a while to figure out 'why'-putting it down on paper helps us analyze what is right and what we hope to change,
thank you my friend,
karen
Comment Written 08-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2013
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looks like part of the review vanished. what is here is very encouraging though. and very appreciated. unless you are starting with "and" like I do all the time. ha! mike
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Yup, the 'country' in me doesn't always speak or write in proper English...sorry for the confusion...This one will linger for a while.
karen
Comment from twowheels
A powerful poem, with a rare deeper concept and well-thought expression. Does it really have such a disturbing end that is implied? (the word smokering should be fixed)
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2013
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A powerful poem, with a rare deeper concept and well-thought expression. Does it really have such a disturbing end that is implied? (the word smokering should be fixed)
Comment Written 08-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2013
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no. only a passing thought and nothing I would act on. just a feeling. thoughtful and very appreciated review. thank you and I will correct that error. thanks for catching it. regards. mike
Comment from Nichola
I like the way you start with the smoke ring in your poem, and you end with it but with an additional layer of the person in the poem dancing on the smoke ring while it is around the neck. The idea of the smoke is a theme throughout the outer edges of your poem.
You are trying to hide from it and are unable to hide, then you are choked by it, feeling trapped no matter what you do. It is an effective metaphor for those inescapable feelings.
Not only are you cursing the smoke, you are cursing the room in which you are trapped. You are cursing the light in your eyes. I like that line a lot: "I curse the light in my eyes and its mocking clarity" As a writer, I can really identify with this.
Your poem seems like a poem within a poem. The outside poem seems to be describing the smoke, and the inside poem is describing the dreams you are having about the windows and doors, the toy soldiers, the paper dolls, going around in circles as a child, and then as an adult.
There are a few spelling corrections: "smoke ring" (2 words), "remembrance," and the faint smell of "tobacco"
Your poem has a dream like quality to it and is lucid.
Nichola
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2013
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I like the way you start with the smoke ring in your poem, and you end with it but with an additional layer of the person in the poem dancing on the smoke ring while it is around the neck. The idea of the smoke is a theme throughout the outer edges of your poem.
You are trying to hide from it and are unable to hide, then you are choked by it, feeling trapped no matter what you do. It is an effective metaphor for those inescapable feelings.
Not only are you cursing the smoke, you are cursing the room in which you are trapped. You are cursing the light in your eyes. I like that line a lot: "I curse the light in my eyes and its mocking clarity" As a writer, I can really identify with this.
Your poem seems like a poem within a poem. The outside poem seems to be describing the smoke, and the inside poem is describing the dreams you are having about the windows and doors, the toy soldiers, the paper dolls, going around in circles as a child, and then as an adult.
There are a few spelling corrections: "smoke ring" (2 words), "remembrance," and the faint smell of "tobacco"
Your poem has a dream like quality to it and is lucid.
Nichola
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 08-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2013
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wonderful in depth review. you often make my own work more clear to me even. sometimes I know what I am writing but, am not thinking about it on too intellectual a level. this is so meaningful for me to hear that you understand it so clearly. I think it is lucid as well and appreciate the affirmation. some don't and it consoles me that someone that is talented and intelligent agrees with me. also appreciate the little errors you found which I shall correct. warmest regards, mike