Kidnapped
Can Janet afford to pay? Can she afford not too?42 total reviews
Comment from barbara.wilkey
Interesting twist at the end. I never suspected it. You did a good job with this story.
The softly spoken voice continued. "No, it's not bully for me. It's more like -- if you want to see him again -- (comma after continued)
"The money will be ready for me to pick up tomorrow at three o'clock."
"OK. Then you will go back to the bank tomorrow just before three o'clock taking a small hand luggage flight bag with you into which you will put the cash. Once you have the money, take the tube to Heathrow Airport, and leave it under the second seat in the second carriage. You will then walk away and get off at the next stop. Have you got all that?" (you need a space between the two dialogues)
"Not a problem." She muttered quietly. (comma after problem and a lower case 's' on she)
"I would love to be there when he opens the bag in front of Peter," Hugh grinned, taking Janet in his arms. (period after Peter)
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2013
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Interesting twist at the end. I never suspected it. You did a good job with this story.
The softly spoken voice continued. "No, it's not bully for me. It's more like -- if you want to see him again -- (comma after continued)
"The money will be ready for me to pick up tomorrow at three o'clock."
"OK. Then you will go back to the bank tomorrow just before three o'clock taking a small hand luggage flight bag with you into which you will put the cash. Once you have the money, take the tube to Heathrow Airport, and leave it under the second seat in the second carriage. You will then walk away and get off at the next stop. Have you got all that?" (you need a space between the two dialogues)
"Not a problem." She muttered quietly. (comma after problem and a lower case 's' on she)
"I would love to be there when he opens the bag in front of Peter," Hugh grinned, taking Janet in his arms. (period after Peter)
Comment Written 23-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2013
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Thank you so very much, Barbara, for your wonderful review and help. I have been back and changed those spags! :) I am really pleased you enjoyed it. xsx Sandra
Comment from Tomes Johnston
I like this story. It is descriptive and interesting. It has a good mixture of dialogue and descriptions. This makes it punchy and gives it pace and tempo. This is very good. Well done.
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2013
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I like this story. It is descriptive and interesting. It has a good mixture of dialogue and descriptions. This makes it punchy and gives it pace and tempo. This is very good. Well done.
Comment Written 23-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2013
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Thank you so much for reading my rather long short story, Tomes. I am so pleased you liked it. Sandra :)
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It was my pleasure.
Comment from barkingdog
We knew that she was going to switch the bags, but I thought her husband was going to die because of the switch and that was part of her plan.
Boy, was I wrong. LOL Hubby is in Mexico with the girlfriend sans money.
Janet and the officer, Hugh, chose the Bahamas with lots of cash.
Great twist and very well written/
I only saw two typos:
-Suddenly everything began to(make) sense;
-alarm to the girl(')s face
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2013
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We knew that she was going to switch the bags, but I thought her husband was going to die because of the switch and that was part of her plan.
Boy, was I wrong. LOL Hubby is in Mexico with the girlfriend sans money.
Janet and the officer, Hugh, chose the Bahamas with lots of cash.
Great twist and very well written/
I only saw two typos:
-Suddenly everything began to(make) sense;
-alarm to the girl(')s face
Comment Written 22-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2013
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What a wonderful review, Barkingdog! I have gone back and corrected those typos. Thank you so much for your kind help. xsx Sandra :)
Comment from SaluteDobby
Hi Sandra,
This has the makings of a Hollywood movie!
I loved the thrilling tale. Though I guessed that she wouldn't pay the ransom, the story was fast paced..I laughed my lungs out when I read the "006 and a half" part. That was really funny. Her character is very believable-her anger at being fooled by her husband, her embarrassment that he hadn;t told her of the new account and the lottery, and her suspicion that he was having an affair- very well done. You alternate between what happened in the past (explaining her relationship with him) and the present very nicely.
But, one thing that doesn't make sense is the romance b/w Janet and the cop. How and when did that happen? Looks like they met for the first time when she informed the police-it's not like thet had any history..that bit doesn't seem too believable.
Overall, it was fantastic! I enjoyed this thriller.You should have considered entering the contest!
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2013
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Hi Sandra,
This has the makings of a Hollywood movie!
I loved the thrilling tale. Though I guessed that she wouldn't pay the ransom, the story was fast paced..I laughed my lungs out when I read the "006 and a half" part. That was really funny. Her character is very believable-her anger at being fooled by her husband, her embarrassment that he hadn;t told her of the new account and the lottery, and her suspicion that he was having an affair- very well done. You alternate between what happened in the past (explaining her relationship with him) and the present very nicely.
But, one thing that doesn't make sense is the romance b/w Janet and the cop. How and when did that happen? Looks like they met for the first time when she informed the police-it's not like thet had any history..that bit doesn't seem too believable.
Overall, it was fantastic! I enjoyed this thriller.You should have considered entering the contest!
Comment Written 22-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2013
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Thank you so much for your lovely review, and also for your opinion about Hugh and Janet. After reading it through again, I do agree with what you have said, so I am going to make a few changes. I do appreciate your honest review, without them, how can any writer improve? :) Sandra xsx
Comment from Jim Lorson Sr
Well Sandra, I'm not very adept at reviewing stories for technical points and attributes. What you have written is filled with intrigue and drama. Your dialogue brings a tremendous mystery I imagine this is what you intended. The entire plot of this kidnapping has been very well hidden. The foiling of this kidnap was masterful and your ending is absolutely perfect. This is my take on this grand story. Well done my friend,,,,,,,Jim xxx
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2013
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Well Sandra, I'm not very adept at reviewing stories for technical points and attributes. What you have written is filled with intrigue and drama. Your dialogue brings a tremendous mystery I imagine this is what you intended. The entire plot of this kidnapping has been very well hidden. The foiling of this kidnap was masterful and your ending is absolutely perfect. This is my take on this grand story. Well done my friend,,,,,,,Jim xxx
Comment Written 22-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2013
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Aww, my dear friend, thank you so much for taking the time to read this story. Your opinion has always meant a lot to me, Jim, thank you! :) Love always, Sandra. xsx
Comment from Selina Stambi
Hello Sandra, dear,
I loved the twists in this tale. I would have never seen them coming.
Great that curly grey lady found a wee bit of romance at the end.
Some men ....!
Nicely done, dear lady.
Love,
Sonali
p.s. Hope you're well settled back in the UK - looks like you've taken sunny Spain back with you, hmmm?:)
a first-class prat ... I've never heard this expression before
master bedroom altogether (,) even when he came home at a normal time. Apostrophe not necessary in mb
the past two years Peter and Janet (had) led separate lives and no
I doubt very much (that) the bank will
it hit her like a cricket ball ... suggest: .. it struck her like a cricket ball (because you use 'hit' immediately after)
she spent at the gym.... not spends
brushing her hair, she looked at her watch ... should be .... brushing her hair. She looked at her watch.
The girl's face (missed the apostrophe)
no one spoke (no hyphen)
she had always thought the sun shone out of Peter's backside! ... love it! (My mum's like that too!!)
ushered his men out (of) the room,
collected everything up ... should be ... collected everything ... or ... picked everything up .... gathered everything up
She'd only filled it two days ago, next, ... should be ... two days ago. Next, ...
slightyly greying/ curly hair (no hyphens)
officer she hadn't met, was sitting in his car across the road... remove the comma after officer
The day's event (need an apostrophe) ... suggest: the eventful day
down the road (,) but didn't acknowledge ... need the comma
nodded encouragingly at (not to)
gave a brave smile in thanks to the two men ... suggest: ... flashed a brave smile of thanks at the two men
Deep breath, and then she started the engine ..suggest ... Taking a deep breath, she started the engine
make up (no hyphen)
Bahamas is wonderful (not are)
It didn't take long before two police officers ... should be ... it wasn't long before two police officers ... or ... it didn't take long for two police officers
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2013
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Hello Sandra, dear,
I loved the twists in this tale. I would have never seen them coming.
Great that curly grey lady found a wee bit of romance at the end.
Some men ....!
Nicely done, dear lady.
Love,
Sonali
p.s. Hope you're well settled back in the UK - looks like you've taken sunny Spain back with you, hmmm?:)
a first-class prat ... I've never heard this expression before
master bedroom altogether (,) even when he came home at a normal time. Apostrophe not necessary in mb
the past two years Peter and Janet (had) led separate lives and no
I doubt very much (that) the bank will
it hit her like a cricket ball ... suggest: .. it struck her like a cricket ball (because you use 'hit' immediately after)
she spent at the gym.... not spends
brushing her hair, she looked at her watch ... should be .... brushing her hair. She looked at her watch.
The girl's face (missed the apostrophe)
no one spoke (no hyphen)
she had always thought the sun shone out of Peter's backside! ... love it! (My mum's like that too!!)
ushered his men out (of) the room,
collected everything up ... should be ... collected everything ... or ... picked everything up .... gathered everything up
She'd only filled it two days ago, next, ... should be ... two days ago. Next, ...
slightyly greying/ curly hair (no hyphens)
officer she hadn't met, was sitting in his car across the road... remove the comma after officer
The day's event (need an apostrophe) ... suggest: the eventful day
down the road (,) but didn't acknowledge ... need the comma
nodded encouragingly at (not to)
gave a brave smile in thanks to the two men ... suggest: ... flashed a brave smile of thanks at the two men
Deep breath, and then she started the engine ..suggest ... Taking a deep breath, she started the engine
make up (no hyphen)
Bahamas is wonderful (not are)
It didn't take long before two police officers ... should be ... it wasn't long before two police officers ... or ... it didn't take long for two police officers
Comment Written 22-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2013
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Thank you so very much for helping me out so brilliantly, Sonali! I just love it when I can get a review that helps me improve. (I need lots!) I have printed your review and will go through the story to correct all my errors and most probably use your wonderful suggestions. Thank you! :) Sandra
Comment from Lovinia
Hi Sandra
Well written and entertaining. Not too long at all. You kept the intrigue and suspense quite well. Though I think Janet is a little too cool. I can understand she may become 'hard' after the months of ill treatment, yet she has done nothing to resolve the situation ... it does sound as though she is just as happy with the relationship. I think it would be an idea to work your readers into more sympathy for her. Perhaps she has been a good wife and he has become cold and distant and obviously cheating.
You give little hints about Hugh being in on it with Janet, though it does sound as if she is just as cold and calculating as her husband. For this to work, I think your audience should have rapore with either the husband or wife.... one has to be the goodie turned 'bad' by the other's treatment of them.
I see you have been given the typos, etc I have picked up, one or two more ...easy to miss I know. I have read writing tips and one that stick in my mind is that editors hate gerunds...... I think there is certainly an excess in your first paragraph.
"Slamming down the phone, she grabbed her pillow and began thumping it" .... perhaps you might consider something like ... "She slammed the phone on it's receiver (on the hook), grabbed her pillow and pounded it with her fists. Silent screams filled her head" - a few shorter sharper sentences creates stronger action.
"With lunch out of the way, and the dishes in the dishwasher, they were now all looking at the phone sitting ominously in its cradle." ......."Lunch out of the way, eyes turned their attention to the phone. Comfortably cradled .... ominous in it's eerie silence." Something like this. Some of your descriptive sentences are a little too long. :She grabbed her keys and moved swiftly into the traffic and was soon at the bank." (We don't need her moving through the hall and into the garage and open the door with the remote.) You have done this a few times. Remember shorter sharper sentences with strong verbs will accentuate the urgency of the story.
Janet's character needs a little strengthening. Otherwise a very good base plot with the twist which becomes a little expected as the story progresses.You could work a little on the intrigue to make the outcome more surprising. Great base work Sandra ... with some tweaking and tightening ... you have a very good story. Warm regards. Hope you are recovering from the move. :)) Warm Regards - Lovinia xoxoxo
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2013
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Hi Sandra
Well written and entertaining. Not too long at all. You kept the intrigue and suspense quite well. Though I think Janet is a little too cool. I can understand she may become 'hard' after the months of ill treatment, yet she has done nothing to resolve the situation ... it does sound as though she is just as happy with the relationship. I think it would be an idea to work your readers into more sympathy for her. Perhaps she has been a good wife and he has become cold and distant and obviously cheating.
You give little hints about Hugh being in on it with Janet, though it does sound as if she is just as cold and calculating as her husband. For this to work, I think your audience should have rapore with either the husband or wife.... one has to be the goodie turned 'bad' by the other's treatment of them.
I see you have been given the typos, etc I have picked up, one or two more ...easy to miss I know. I have read writing tips and one that stick in my mind is that editors hate gerunds...... I think there is certainly an excess in your first paragraph.
"Slamming down the phone, she grabbed her pillow and began thumping it" .... perhaps you might consider something like ... "She slammed the phone on it's receiver (on the hook), grabbed her pillow and pounded it with her fists. Silent screams filled her head" - a few shorter sharper sentences creates stronger action.
"With lunch out of the way, and the dishes in the dishwasher, they were now all looking at the phone sitting ominously in its cradle." ......."Lunch out of the way, eyes turned their attention to the phone. Comfortably cradled .... ominous in it's eerie silence." Something like this. Some of your descriptive sentences are a little too long. :She grabbed her keys and moved swiftly into the traffic and was soon at the bank." (We don't need her moving through the hall and into the garage and open the door with the remote.) You have done this a few times. Remember shorter sharper sentences with strong verbs will accentuate the urgency of the story.
Janet's character needs a little strengthening. Otherwise a very good base plot with the twist which becomes a little expected as the story progresses.You could work a little on the intrigue to make the outcome more surprising. Great base work Sandra ... with some tweaking and tightening ... you have a very good story. Warm regards. Hope you are recovering from the move. :)) Warm Regards - Lovinia xoxoxo
Comment Written 22-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2013
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Lovinia, you are a diamond, thank you so much for taking all that time to help me! I have printed your review out and will work my way through your suggestion, (which are brilliant!) I am so pleased you like the plot, and I will certainly be taking your advice. Thank you again, Lovinia!! xsx Sandra
Comment from GWHARGIS
Don't worry about the length. When the story is good, people will finish it. I liked the British flair to this. Gave it an authentic feel. Janet's character was caught between a rock and a hard place. She had no love for her husband, but she still went the distance for him. There was just one part I couldn't get. Why did the secretary tell Janet about the lottery winning. It seemed kind of foolish. Maybe Janet wouldn't have bothered to pay ransom. EIther the secretary was a fool or Peter was. LOL. Nicely done.
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2013
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Don't worry about the length. When the story is good, people will finish it. I liked the British flair to this. Gave it an authentic feel. Janet's character was caught between a rock and a hard place. She had no love for her husband, but she still went the distance for him. There was just one part I couldn't get. Why did the secretary tell Janet about the lottery winning. It seemed kind of foolish. Maybe Janet wouldn't have bothered to pay ransom. EIther the secretary was a fool or Peter was. LOL. Nicely done.
Comment Written 22-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2013
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Thank you so much for reading and reviewing my short/long story, and I am really pleased you enjoyed it. I have had a few people mention that same point about the secretary and after reading it again, I agree and will revise the story. I am delighted to get reviews that question and suggest, it is the only way I will improve, so thank you, again. :) Sandra xsx
Comment from josieg521
I enjoyed this story very much and the twist ending was handled intelligently and added a good jolt to the story. There is one thing I don't get. The part where Hugh says, "I would love to be there when he opens the bag in front of Peter." Did I miss something? Was there something else in the bag and not the money? I reread it and I just don't see it.
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2013
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I enjoyed this story very much and the twist ending was handled intelligently and added a good jolt to the story. There is one thing I don't get. The part where Hugh says, "I would love to be there when he opens the bag in front of Peter." Did I miss something? Was there something else in the bag and not the money? I reread it and I just don't see it.
Comment Written 22-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2013
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thank you for your kind review of my story, I am pleased you enjoyed it. There were two cases in the car, one under the blanket and one on the passenger seat. When she came out of the bank with the suitcase carrying the money, that is the one she kept, and put the empty one under the seat. Hope that helps! LOL xsx Sandra
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I must have been brain dead. Just couldn't understand what happened but it does make sense. Enjoyed the story very much.
Comment from Carrie Carson
Good job with this, I hope he's broke for ever now. But I do wonder that a wife wouldn't know her husband won the lottery.
Teensy bit of spag:
Para "Janet gave a small...it(')s lunch time..."
Good job with this. Enjoyable. :) Carrie
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2013
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Good job with this, I hope he's broke for ever now. But I do wonder that a wife wouldn't know her husband won the lottery.
Teensy bit of spag:
Para "Janet gave a small...it(')s lunch time..."
Good job with this. Enjoyable. :) Carrie
Comment Written 22-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2013
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Thank you so much, Carrie, I am really pleased you enjoyed it. :) Sandra