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Viewing comments for Chapter 50 "Drinks"Shorter stories
27 total reviews
Comment from EMB
This was pretty good. I don't think I would've done it with rhyming names, though. (And isn't Sherry a drink? Ha!)
Note:
"Just an acquaintance," Kiley smiled back. (A smile isn't an utterance, so you want to write "she said, smiling" or something like that.)
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2013
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This was pretty good. I don't think I would've done it with rhyming names, though. (And isn't Sherry a drink? Ha!)
Note:
"Just an acquaintance," Kiley smiled back. (A smile isn't an utterance, so you want to write "she said, smiling" or something like that.)
Comment Written 13-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2013
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Thank you for reviewing and for the advice. Actually, if I were writing an essay or technical document, I would concern myself with such correctness. In creative writing, I let me be me.
Comment from GWHARGIS
Wow. I could feel the vindictive air to this one. Poor girl. I liked it, despite they didn't really strike up a friendship. Out of all of them, I guess Patrick made out the best in this story. LOL. Nice job.
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2013
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Wow. I could feel the vindictive air to this one. Poor girl. I liked it, despite they didn't really strike up a friendship. Out of all of them, I guess Patrick made out the best in this story. LOL. Nice job.
Comment Written 13-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2013
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Thank you for taking a look at this.
Comment from Zue65
Even if I don't really understand those drinks mentioned in this story because I don't drink and haven't tasted them except red wine(the sweet one) only thrice, during 3 Christmas celebration in my former office where I used to work, just three sips and I decline the rest, the story still caught my attention because of the exchange of conversations of the two women at the bar. The author was effective in the use of the dialogue , i was expecting a new bond of friendship between the two girls. But of course, the story turned out differently, Kiley taking advantage of the innocence of Sherry in making orders at the bar, to think that Kiley used to be the girl of Bobby and Kiley was turned or rather passed on to Bobby's boss, because of the unwritten code that if the boss took fancy of your woman, the boss is allowed to indulge with her. And Kiley I guess is giving a training to Sherry with the bartender, that Sherry has to pay at all cost for the drinks. It is something different and the author was succesfull in arousing the interest of readers.
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2013
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Even if I don't really understand those drinks mentioned in this story because I don't drink and haven't tasted them except red wine(the sweet one) only thrice, during 3 Christmas celebration in my former office where I used to work, just three sips and I decline the rest, the story still caught my attention because of the exchange of conversations of the two women at the bar. The author was effective in the use of the dialogue , i was expecting a new bond of friendship between the two girls. But of course, the story turned out differently, Kiley taking advantage of the innocence of Sherry in making orders at the bar, to think that Kiley used to be the girl of Bobby and Kiley was turned or rather passed on to Bobby's boss, because of the unwritten code that if the boss took fancy of your woman, the boss is allowed to indulge with her. And Kiley I guess is giving a training to Sherry with the bartender, that Sherry has to pay at all cost for the drinks. It is something different and the author was succesfull in arousing the interest of readers.
Comment Written 13-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2013
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Thank you for the excellent review of the story.
Comment from A Matter Of Words
That was a wicked piece of revenge. This piece was well written. The dialogue was easy and realistic. Excellent job. Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2013
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That was a wicked piece of revenge. This piece was well written. The dialogue was easy and realistic. Excellent job. Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 12-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2013
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Nuad1
Interesting work. Kind of funny. Trick ending that can either make or break reader opine depending on the mindset of the reader. I thought it cute.
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2013
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Interesting work. Kind of funny. Trick ending that can either make or break reader opine depending on the mindset of the reader. I thought it cute.
Comment Written 12-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2013
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Thank you for reading this.
Comment from Gert sherwood
Hello to you author
I like the way you kept my attention right from the start to your unexpected closure.
I wish you the very best in this contest.
Gert
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2013
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Hello to you author
I like the way you kept my attention right from the start to your unexpected closure.
I wish you the very best in this contest.
Gert
Comment Written 12-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2013
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Thank you for the kind and encouraging review.
Comment from Gungalo
Boy is she in for a surprise right? LOL it's pretty funny but not at all off the charts. Too much time taken up early on. Keep writing.
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2013
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Boy is she in for a surprise right? LOL it's pretty funny but not at all off the charts. Too much time taken up early on. Keep writing.
Comment Written 12-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2013
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Thank you for taking a look at it.
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Smile.
Comment from barleygirl
Your writing is good, you have a good command of writing dialogue, but I'm having a bit of trouble following your story. I'm not sure of the purpose of mistaking Sherry's name in the beginning, but toward the end, Kiley continues to address her as Shirley, as she appears to have it out for the younger woman. I understand what you're referring to as a BJ, but the way the dialogue went, it just didn't sound right to me. Oh well. I guess you had to have been there! *smile*
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2013
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Your writing is good, you have a good command of writing dialogue, but I'm having a bit of trouble following your story. I'm not sure of the purpose of mistaking Sherry's name in the beginning, but toward the end, Kiley continues to address her as Shirley, as she appears to have it out for the younger woman. I understand what you're referring to as a BJ, but the way the dialogue went, it just didn't sound right to me. Oh well. I guess you had to have been there! *smile*
Comment Written 11-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2013
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Saying 'Shirley' is Kiley's way of minimizing Sherry's significance. The BJ explanation was a lie to get Sherry to order that way, which we assume indicates the method of payment. It being a private bar and all characters a part of a syndicate (mob), the rules are assumed to be strictly enforced. If you buy the premise, you buy the bit. Thank you for reviewing.
Comment from RodG
You do an excellent job of setting the scene, introducing the two young women, and getting the ball rolling. Kiley is cunning; the debutante Sherry appears to be naive. The story's surprise ending is set up (like the drinks themselves) superbly. I especially like your dialog which sounds real. A fun read.
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2013
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You do an excellent job of setting the scene, introducing the two young women, and getting the ball rolling. Kiley is cunning; the debutante Sherry appears to be naive. The story's surprise ending is set up (like the drinks themselves) superbly. I especially like your dialog which sounds real. A fun read.
Comment Written 11-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2013
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Thank you very much for the enthusiastic and thorough review.
Comment from humpwhistle
Well, this is a mighty strange tavern--but you did specify 'private' in the beginning, so that adds plausibility to your story. That's one very catty bitch you've created in Kiley.
Best of luck with the voters.
Peace, Lee
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2013
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Well, this is a mighty strange tavern--but you did specify 'private' in the beginning, so that adds plausibility to your story. That's one very catty bitch you've created in Kiley.
Best of luck with the voters.
Peace, Lee
Comment Written 11-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2013
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I added the 'private' part along with the insert on 'rules' being important to help sell the scenario for this flash fiction story. Thank you for taking the time to review this.
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This is a good example of the way Flash works--'private' is essential to the plausibility of your story. One 'right' word means a lot more than several 'wrong' words. L