Steve's Story-Poems
Viewing comments for Chapter 29 "Apprenticeship"A collection of my poems
23 total reviews
Comment from Black_Oxygen
This poetry transports the reader to a heroic
tragedy. It held my interest from start to
finish. The attached photo is a befitting
accent that enhances the message. Thank You
for your creation.
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2013
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This poetry transports the reader to a heroic
tragedy. It held my interest from start to
finish. The attached photo is a befitting
accent that enhances the message. Thank You
for your creation.
Comment Written 29-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2013
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Thank you for your kind words.
Steve
Comment from cvcopac
I spent 50 years in the trades. This sounds like a real story to me.
I don't know what you did to achieve the rhythm but it's good, whatever. The rhyming couplets in no way hinder the enjambment. An excellent story and should be a top contender. Sorry I don't own a sixth star to leave here. Kenny
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2013
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I spent 50 years in the trades. This sounds like a real story to me.
I don't know what you did to achieve the rhythm but it's good, whatever. The rhyming couplets in no way hinder the enjambment. An excellent story and should be a top contender. Sorry I don't own a sixth star to leave here. Kenny
Comment Written 29-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2013
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Thanks, Kenny - I appreciate the virtual six.
I am glad you felt the story was 'real'
Steve
Comment from rhymelord
Dear Steve,
Strong powerful anapestics move this tale along at a great pace and the rhymes are solid. Great character and story development. Good one.
Regards
Reg
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2013
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Dear Steve,
Strong powerful anapestics move this tale along at a great pace and the rhymes are solid. Great character and story development. Good one.
Regards
Reg
Comment Written 29-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2013
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Thanks, Reg.
Steve
Comment from adewpearl
solid rhyming couplets
you catch my attention right away with your opening line
excellent story poem - I tell so many contestants in this contest they have NOT written a story
excellent use of enjambment to create flow in your story
good alliteration in phrases like car came crashing
excellent character development in this poignant story of selfless heroism
Brooke
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2013
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solid rhyming couplets
you catch my attention right away with your opening line
excellent story poem - I tell so many contestants in this contest they have NOT written a story
excellent use of enjambment to create flow in your story
good alliteration in phrases like car came crashing
excellent character development in this poignant story of selfless heroism
Brooke
Comment Written 29-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2013
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Thanks, Brooke
I know what you mean about some stories not really being stories. I had the idea for this one some time ago but struggled to get it on paper - also had trouble deciding who should save whom - the apprentice sacrificing his life to save the man who'd bullied him may have been even more poignant....
Steve
Comment from vkmack
You've done a great job on the share a story in a poem contest guidelines. This is just a terrific job. The meter work so well, as does the story. It's very reminiscent of the epics that we learned in school as kids, and the last stanza sealed that deal. Very traditional and really iconic. Great job.
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2013
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You've done a great job on the share a story in a poem contest guidelines. This is just a terrific job. The meter work so well, as does the story. It's very reminiscent of the epics that we learned in school as kids, and the last stanza sealed that deal. Very traditional and really iconic. Great job.
Comment Written 29-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2013
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Thank you - some readers here have grown to view my tales with suspicion because I often deliver a twist, but here the story is more traditional as you note.
Thanks for the kind words.
Steve
Comment from humpwhistle
I don't know, Steve. It's almost like you want me too believe that Terry might have had a hand in the 'accident', but I can't find any real clues to that effect. Maybe you played this one straight.
Best of luck with the Committee.
Peace, Lee
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2013
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I don't know, Steve. It's almost like you want me too believe that Terry might have had a hand in the 'accident', but I can't find any real clues to that effect. Maybe you played this one straight.
Best of luck with the Committee.
Peace, Lee
Comment Written 29-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2013
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It's just your suspicious old story-teller's mind....
Actually I would appreciate your point of view on the question of who saves whom..... I was tempted to write it the other way around with the new kid sacrificing himself to save the guy who'd bullied him. What do you think?
Steve
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Hmmm, I think it comes down to the sentimental favorite. The new kid saves his tormentor, or the mean guy redeems himself.
I like your version--mean guy wasn't really so mean. In the alternate version the new kid comes off as a saint.
Being the suspicious old curmudgeon I am, my question is: was the jack mishap meant to be a prank that went terribly wrong (I think yes). So my read has it that the new kid screwed up a prank that was supposed to scare Warren, but when the prank went wrong, Warren stepped up. And the new kid now has to live with it.
How's that for reading between the lines?
Am I close?
Comment from Laurie Clayton
This has just got to be a winner. As always, with your work, you have spun a well rounded tale within the confines of verse. Rich in ups and downs, twists and turns and a bittersweet finale.
Best wishes and good luck with the contest.
Laurie
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2013
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This has just got to be a winner. As always, with your work, you have spun a well rounded tale within the confines of verse. Rich in ups and downs, twists and turns and a bittersweet finale.
Best wishes and good luck with the contest.
Laurie
Comment Written 29-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2013
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Laurie - thanks so much for the great review and the six stars.
Unfortunately there are no 'got to be winners' in these contests. I have seen some great entries already and there are bound to be more that I've missed.
let's wait for the judges...
Steve
Comment from Bindu Saxena
No doubt the story is shared beautifully about life of Terry and the prankster Warren and his brutal end.
However, what I gained from this story is that we should not label a person and judgmental,coz that person may be irritating but his intentions may not so.To our surprise it was Warren who troubled Terry all the time but it was only he who saved Terry's life.
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2013
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No doubt the story is shared beautifully about life of Terry and the prankster Warren and his brutal end.
However, what I gained from this story is that we should not label a person and judgmental,coz that person may be irritating but his intentions may not so.To our surprise it was Warren who troubled Terry all the time but it was only he who saved Terry's life.
Comment Written 29-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2013
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Thank you, Bindu - yes, you have seized upon the point I wished to make about human nature - and it could just as easily have been the apprentice who saved the bully.
Steve
Comment from Warren Rodgers
Great story Steve, and I love that Warren was the hero in the end! LOL I think story poems are one of your great strengths. Your story kept me interested throughout and was a pleasure to read in good meter and excellent rhyme. I do have a few suggestions fr your consideration. Third line starts with a quote mark but has no end quote. Next line I think should be "matters"- add the s? Your rhyming couplets are great and the rhythm makes for a very enjoyable read. My father was an auto mechanic and I worked with him in my youth. I was always fearful of the jacks and lifts giving way but they never did. But my father was in a horrible fire before I was born in which his garage burned to the ground. He survived and returned to work after two years recovery from burns. But I can tell you mechanics are some of the most active pranksters I've ever seen. Good luck in the contest.
Cheers!
Rodger
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2013
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Great story Steve, and I love that Warren was the hero in the end! LOL I think story poems are one of your great strengths. Your story kept me interested throughout and was a pleasure to read in good meter and excellent rhyme. I do have a few suggestions fr your consideration. Third line starts with a quote mark but has no end quote. Next line I think should be "matters"- add the s? Your rhyming couplets are great and the rhythm makes for a very enjoyable read. My father was an auto mechanic and I worked with him in my youth. I was always fearful of the jacks and lifts giving way but they never did. But my father was in a horrible fire before I was born in which his garage burned to the ground. He survived and returned to work after two years recovery from burns. But I can tell you mechanics are some of the most active pranksters I've ever seen. Good luck in the contest.
Cheers!
Rodger
Comment Written 29-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2013
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Rodger, thanks for the keen eye and the kind comments - you are not the first to comment about the accuracy of the pranks component.
I was undecided about the ending - I felt the apprentice sacrificing himself to save the bully would have been just as strong....
Steve
Comment from Alcreator Litt Dear
Novice and innocent with firm footing started a career and learnt many lessons of living from the apprenticeship, even experienced hero worship death, I liked this complete narrative taletelling, sound images and good visual, simple sharing of living experiences. 2/293
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2013
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Novice and innocent with firm footing started a career and learnt many lessons of living from the apprenticeship, even experienced hero worship death, I liked this complete narrative taletelling, sound images and good visual, simple sharing of living experiences. 2/293
Comment Written 29-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2013
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Thank you for your kind words.
Steve